Do You Know Who You Are? (l.s.)

18

Louis Tomlinson

"Is he always horny like this?"

Liam is seated in front of me with his fork in his hand, we've been talking about what happened between me and Harry for the past 20 minutes but it felt like ages. "I honestly don't know Lou," His laugh echoes in the room before he realizes I'm serious about what is happening. "I told you, we are not really friends, I've seen him just a few times and it's only because we are both friends with Niall."

The place is really calm at this hour, I remember when we came here on Wednesday, this place at night is really different. The calm of the room let us talk without difficulties and I'm grateful for it. "I know Liam. He is just... so... turned on all the time. Mate I'm so lost, I think all of this is a bad idea."

"What do you mean?" He seems kind of shocked by my words but he is finally taking me seriously. I think he was taking me seriously before but at least he is not laughing because 'he feels bad for the counter'.

"Harry, I-" I sight loudly and pass my hands all over my face, my hand is still hurting but I can't put my thoughts together and I am really tired of dealing with issues like this. I let my head fall and put my hand on my neck before looking back at Liam with a heavy choice to share. "I don't want to see him anymore."

"What the fuck Louis?" The confusion on his face can be seen from miles away. "It's going really well, why would you do that?" I don't think he understands how awful the dinner has been for me, after all he doesn't know about Sarah, so I just said that my mom talked about this stupid dream and other personnal stuff I didn't want to share. Hopefully, he isn't trying to find out what it is and he just wants me to feel better.

"It's just not my thing."

"What? Men?"

"No, human interactions."

"So you're into him?"

"Well yeah of course, who wouldn't?"

"Then go for it."

"Liam!" Why can't he understand? "Listen to me!" My voice is louder than expected, it contrasts with the calm atmosphere of the place making a few people look at us. I'm not angry at Liam, I'm just exhausted because I always have to explain my own choice to others. "All my life I've stayed in my comfort zone and gosh what happened with Harry is NOT comfortable. I won't change my way of living and I'm happy like this."

"But you're not." A heavy silence takes over our table and I can't hear the people around us anymore. I am happy. Right? Well, I was before last week. All those sad events happened since I decided to go out with Liam. Maybe it's just a coincidence but I don't want to take the risk to get attached to anyone and lose them because of it. "Louis... I've never seen you more happy than when you're with him. I know how you work, you tell me that what happened at this dinner was awkward but I refuse to believe that you care about what people think of you. There is something else that makes you run away from him and I can't help you if you don't honestly talk to me."

I drink a huge sip of water and put my glass back on the table. Liam is looking at me deep in the eyes, it feels like he is trying to read my mind and it's kind of creepy. But at the same time it makes me realise that it's probably the good moment to be honest towards him and myself.

"I'm scared Liam." I can see a slight expression of confusion in his brown eyes, I think he wasn't expecting me to answer or express any of the things I'm feeling about the situation. "Forget about it, it's stupid." I break the contact of our eyes to look down.

"No, no, go ahead. What is it?" He is going to laugh at me for sure.

I keep my mouth shut for an instant before exposing the fight I've been having with myself for a week now. "Well, I... I feel like all the things happening to the people I like... are... in a way because of me? You know?" Ok here comes the hard part. "And, th-that I... well... that I-." I cough, the words don't want to get out of my mind but Liam -as always- gives me the help I need.