Do You Know Who You Are? (l.s.)

21

At some point in the chapter y'all should listen to "have a drink on me" by ACDC, it makes it all better if you're able to do it. I'll tell you when it's time to start it. Enjoy.

Louis Tomlinson

"Mom! No!"

I brutally enter the house, sweat covering all my body and legs aching from a probably too long run. She is here, right in front of me, at the top of the stairs. My house is really quiet when I step in, I can't stop screaming but it makes no sounds and I can't interact with anything around me.

I have this thing inside of me, it's the need to find my mom, the need to make someone suffer, not her, someone. I don't know who but I guess it's probably the person standing next to her. I can't see their face because of the hood they are wearing, their identity is totally hidden by their black clothes and it makes my anxiety grow. Is this the murderer Harry talked about?

Everything around me seems so real, is this really happening? Is this person really holding my mom's neck? Am I really standing here quietly and watching them hurt my own mother? My brain is slower than usual but I finally decide to run towards her.

My breath is heavy, my body is shaking and I can't feel anything else but pain. The panic attack I am having is clear to my mind when the words appear in my mind. Those 4 fucking words I can't get rid of.

Punch.

I run towards the stairs, the unknown person and my mom don't react to my sudden arrival. Are they seeing me? Can I touch them? Talk to them? Punch them? But now I'm not next to them anymore, I'm behind the black silhouette. My shaking hand appears in front of me and touches their covered shoulder. The fear in my mom's eyes is unbearable, her body is now standing over the void of the stairs with her life between the hand of a murderer. Why can't she see me?

Hit.

Through my wet eyes I can see the black hood react to my touch, their blue eyes meet mine and then a glass explodes inside of my heart. I can't breath. Behind the hood I see the face I see each morning when I look at a mirror. I am the person holding my mom, I am the person who is about to kill her, I am the person who killed them all.

Fall.

That's it. She is falling and her body rests now on the floor. I scream, scream and scream louder. I've just seen myself kill my own mother, the only person I had from my previous life, this can't be real. "What have you done, Louis?" Sarah is now standing next to me. Her hand is on my back as I'm kneeled in front of my mom's body. What did I do Sarah, help me, it hurts so bad, is this real, what did I do, Sarah! Kill me! Kill me!

Die.

One more nightmare.

With my feet flat on the floor and my elbows on my knees I've been seated on the large sofa of Niall's lounge. The clock is telling me it's past 3 in the morning but time doesn't make sense to me right now. The moon let me see Niall and Liam sleeping on the floor in front of me and Harry on the couch next to me.

I've been nervously crying for several minutes now, I'm used to those unlivable nightmares haunting my nights but this one seemed so real, I remember almost everything and dealing with all this culpability is impossible to handle. My body has never been more empty, my tears are taking everything I have out, no water, no feeling just screams begging to be realised.

I get up and unconsciously step towards one of the rooms I only saw when I arrived earlier. On my way I close every door I come across to prevent the noise from waking the boys up. I finally close one more door and find myself in Niall's fitness room. Before walking towards the usual punching bag I spot a pair of headphones on a near table.