All Rounders Review Shop (CLOSED)

Lovely (Review Two)

Remember that the point of this review is to guide you to improvement. If you have any questions, do not before afraid to talk to your reviewer or to @ericson119. We are here to help you, not review your book and simply move on to the next one.

Lovely by Rochellesjjx

Reviewer: MiniMoxx

Cover/Title: 8/10

. The title is a bit common, however I like it. You'll get people on Wattpad say they hate it BECAUSE it's common, but I think it's a good title.
. The cover is nice, but the black typing is hard to read. I would maybe look into changing it and maybe the font to make it easier to read.

-

Blurb: 5/10

. I like the mystery of the blurb, it makes it interesting. What I would say is that it doesn't tell me anything about the book. What's the plot? Who's the character (even if it's just a tiny mystery of who she/he is?) that kind of thing. Maybe just weave some more in there to really make us get the flavour of what's to come?
. As I started reading, it took me a while to understand what was going to come, and I think thats because the blurb didn't tell me (I was also reviewing things so that didn't help my brain LOL) so I'd definitely just tell us more.
. Think main character. What is she after? Also, add in the leader because he seems to be a MC as well as he has a POV. Basically give us an exciting yet concise plot point in the blurb.

-

First Chapter: 5/10

. I LOVE the beginning, the question is great and gets the reader hooked.
. What I wasnt sure about was: 'a reminder that I love me' - maybe this could be expanded upon because it doesn't quite make sense. Did you mean 'he loves me'?
. The paragraph that starts "sheesh" could use an edit. The semi colon isn't needed and the two sentences can be separated. This part is also an opportunity to use some more emotional description, maybe some imagery here.
. The memory of Frank found dead - doesn't quite make sense. Did she see him dead? If so, this would make sense, but needs a little tidying up. If not, I'd take it out or add that the memory was of the news etc.
. A lot of tense changes with dialogue tags. Some parts are past "said", some are presents "says" - I would pick one and try to stick with it.
Overall, the first chapter was good, however, I think right now it's lacking simply because of the errors. As a reader, I'd be distracted by these and wouldn't read on unfortunately. In saying that, I can see the potential in this, once it's edited to be a REALLY good first chapter.

-

Grammar/Punctuation: 6/10

. I noticed a few tense changes, mainly around the words 'will' and 'can' placements. My advice for that would be to read it out loud. It'll become more obvious that way.
. Some places start without a word so it feels incomplete "Hard to believe I was happy" < should be a "it's" or "it was" depending on your tense of preference.
. I addressed a lot up in first chapter as it's all relevant in there LOL
. With the scene changes/ paragraph breaks I would just make it more obvious, with more space between them.
. Instead of showing a picture of the outfit in chapter 5, I would use this as an opportunity to use description and elevate your writing.
. Instead of going "doooo youuuu understanddd meee" - it doesnt look professional, so instead, again you can use this to try and get across some dialogue tags, or some description of the long drawn out voice to get across some characterisation here.
. I would puts thoughts on a separate line in italics, instead of >>these<<
. On the whole, your grammar isn't bad at all. Some places that could use just a little polishing. I think my main issue is the tense changes and to be honest, my main port of "issue" with the grammar is in chapter 1, so you're doing well!