Plus size problems

Sweats, anyone?

Before reading I would just like to point out that this story is still under editing, I am determined to get this all nice and polished. There will be mistakes in this draft (No Hate) I am still working my way through chapters.
  Another pointer, this story does consist of a main character with really Low Self Esteem and her journey trying to accept what is and the ways she looks and is as a person. This story is quite personal to me on some aspects and a treasure too, I wrote this when I was fifteen and always will be proud of the first story I ever started to create. Ana is personal to me.

Ana, a name. A quite common name in America these days. My name as it goes. I'm not your average women that you'll meet in life. I'm beyond normal. I'm kind of a whack job and certainly have communication issues.
I'd rather not go outside if it was up to me. I have a cat that comes and goes when it pleases, some days I barely see him. Arthur, the man of the house. The only gentleman in my life that doesn't shy away from my tubby belly and big ass. He's the only man in my life and forever staying that way unless I sort my shit out, which is going to take a lot of Twinkies before that happens.
It's been nearly six years since I have had sex and I'm positive that my vagina has gone into lock down due to lack of contact. Majority of men that see me assume I'm a mother of four and a wife of a husband that sleeps his way around. I wish.
The thing is, I've adopted the religion of foodisum. It's the new religion that food lovers take when their lives are shit. I'm an American foodisum woman who can't get laid.
I wouldn't say that I was ugly, my face is quite cute and I hardly have any blemishes on my skin, it's just what my body looks like that's the issue.
My friend Jess is bigger than me and she is stunning. She has the most perfect face, which I would trade for mine. Half the time I forget that she's bigger than me. Due to her charismatic sense, guys adore her. Her husband Ben is ridiculously hot, it's unbelievable. They met one day at our local gym in Daly City San Francisco.
I can remember the first time I met him, broad shoulders and a sun kissed tan. He is without a doubt the hottest guy I know and will ever know in my life. I think I've said that already, he's hot that's all you need to know.
He's a firefighter and a hot one at that, done it again. He has a lot of male friends who work at the local gym, which Jess has mentioned on the odd occasion.
I wish I had the guts to walk into a gym and ask for help. I mean, it can't be healthy to look this big. To be perfectly honest if I continue to eat and eat every hour of every day, I don't think there is going to be plenty of tomorrows to wait up to.
Jess said that the gym holds Carbs and Cuts Club every Tuesday at seven where they talk about cutting calories and carbs. That wouldn't be bad. But you must be a member to join. But every time I do think about going to a gym or doing any exercise my anxiety starts up and I bail on the idea all together.
Thursday when I was walking home from work, I was contemplating whether I should drop by the gym and get a register form. However, that idea went out the window when a group of teens around the age of fourteen to sixteen walked passed me and started to make pig noises. As childish as that sounds it does happen.
It was then that I started to change my route home, too scared to look at them again or for them to remember me. It does sound pathetic with them being teenagers and me being thirty-five, but I just couldn't hold that sort of humiliation anymore.
On Friday, I decided to walk the long way home, feeling a little more confident in myself and enjoying the fresh air. That was a bad idea too.
This required walking past the gym, where thin, athletic, pretty girls stood outside disusing each other's lives as their classes had finished. Some girls that I did go to school with notice me a lot of the time, but never make conversation. I was glad that they didn't.
I never showed my interest in them, as I knew they didn't care much for me. So, I always carried on with my life like I never knew them.
Continuing my walk home I climbed the steep bank, going at a steady pace so people couldn't see me struggle. When I was half way up the bank, I usually took a glance behind me making sure nobody had seen my performance. I normally did this due to my nerves. I didn't want anybody to see me period.
In that swift glance behind me, I saw a car turning up the street I was walking.
I heard the car roar as the driver changed gear to get up the steep bank. It was more than likely a local gym member heading home, most of the time it was and most of the time they nearly every time stare at me.
It so happened to be the moment when my thighs started burning and my breathing became pants which caused a cramp in my chest. I was really starting to have a struggle getting up.
I took a minute to catch my breath, knew my face was red from lack of oxygen. As I stopped I realized that I stopped at the top of the bank which was by a set of traffic lights.
Shit a car's coming. Turn green, turn green. Shit they've stopped. Turning away as the car came to a halt by the white line. This must be hell.
I get a quick glance at the person in the car and I'm in bits. He is without a doubt the hottest guy I've ever seen. Yes, I may have said it before but now I've changed my ways.
Fuck. He's looking at me. Shit he's going to laugh and see what a pathetic excuse for a woman I am. Even overweight people would be laughing at me right now.
I give him a nod and walk on. When I get half the way up the second bank. The car with the delicious man in has pulled over. I panic. Shit over everything that is holy. I'm walking slow and I realize that he is waiting for me to move out of the way. I pick up the paste. I don't want him to talk to me at all. I don't want him to remember me at all, let alone look at me.
"Evening" he says and I turn around just to give him a smile and I'm on my way. Fuck even his voice is sexy.
I basically run as fast as my fat ass takes me until I'm safe from the world. My apartment.
After that stranger greeted me and I ran home, I decided not to leave my apartment for a good twenty-four hours.
Saturday consists of watching breaking bad and eating until I'm bored. In that moment of peace, it all comes crashing down. My phone starts buzzing, I knew I should have turned it off.
I reach over the couch until I find my phone. The caller ID indicates that my charming best friend Jess is ringing me. Lord knows what she wants at 6.30pm. I hover my finger over the decline button, but feel defeat and hurt if she did that to me. I hit accept very sharply, greeting her with a mild but friendly tone.
"Hey sugar, tonight is the night. I'm in the car downstairs. Get your sweats on and I'll meet you in ten" She chirps.
Jess hangs up before I even open my mouth, sweats? What the hell is she talking about. What the hell is she on.
I get up from my messy state on the coach, looking down at the survivors of Cheetos on the floor. Lucky buggers. Sweats? Waiting downstairs? It hits me. She wouldn't.
I knew exactly what she had in mind. She was going to take me to the gym. I had never been there and nor did I want to. I was a gym virgin. Oh god, what else could go wrong tonight? Nothing I hope.
I'm not sure why but an uneasy feeling is developing in the back of my mind. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I guess only time will tell.
We make our way down to the gym, taking the car instead of walking.  When we are inside, we make our way over to the reception where a few people are making small talk or booking in.
As I look around, I see people, not staring at us, but showing interest at our sudden goal to lose weight. Yes, I'm a fat cow and yes, I do want to change that. Although I wouldn't mind scream I LOVE FOOD at the top of my voice to quite their inner thoughts.
Jess doesn't seem to care that they are looking at us, she waves to a few and they wave back. Some say a few words to her but she doesn't leave me to make conversation with them. In fact, she hasn't left my side since we got here, she is remaining loyal, as I would for her.
When the meeting starts, we both take our seats at the back, Jess protesting to sit at the front so she can be engaged in the lives of others. A few training instructors come to the front and say a little bit about the program and what we will benefit out of this.
The first thing they do is ask for us to pair up and discuss what sorts of foods we should be eating.
I feel like I'm back at school, it's like sex education all over again, what you should be doing, if its right. The right protection for your body.
After a few minutes of me and Jess talking about how good Papa John's pizza is, the class falls silent and a huge lad that looks bigger then me walks to the front. Jess whispers something that I couldn't quite catch.
"Hello, I'm Kevin. I got weighed the other day for the first time since a child. I can safely say I cried when I saw the numbers on the scale. My wife did this course last year and the results were amazing. My wife weighed more a little less than me, but...we want a baby and I don't want my kid to see how fat and lazy their dad is" A baby huh? Never even considered that possibility.
I am terrified to be called up to say a bit about myself, what would I say, there is nothing remotely interesting about my life. Jess decided that going to the Carbs and Cuts Club would be beneficial. How would standing up to everyone and saying I'm a fatty be beneficial for me.
"Is anybody there, how about you with the blonde hair" the female but manly instructor says to Jess.
"Ana, will go" Jess says and pushes me off my seat. Fuck my life.
I try to walk up without shitting myself but that goes out the window, I don't like to be put on show. I don't want people to see me.
"Hey, I'm Ana, I'm Thirty-four, I work at the super store down the road. Big store, great prices" ugh, why do I say such twat-ish things. This is so embarrassing. For the life of me I start talking about Arthur. I'm trying to not tell them my weight, but one of the instructors asks what I've done before to lose weight.
"I weight 358" I whisper, but the instructor just nods and lets me carry on. I still manage to get my rambling going, until I look up and see Mr. sex on legs with a smile walking in.
I freeze, I think I'm going into a sex coma without having sex. Not only is he the kind of man that belongs in movies or magazine covers but he's just heard everything I've just said.
I wish that the earth would eat me up. I wish that an apocalypse would happen and wipe out every human on this planet.
He looks at me again, but this time I see the realization. He remembers me from yesterday afternoon. I wonder if he's ok with that, is this embarrassing for him, it bloody is for me.
When I do come out of the coma, the see Jess glaring at Mr. sex on legs. She's noticed him and so has the rest of the class. He gives a tight smile before walking over to the rest of the instructors and whispering over at one. I want to move and head back to my seat, but I fear he will stare if I make a move. Don't move a muscle, it's like Jurassic Park and he's the deadly T-rex.
"I will go next" turning my attention to the voice, Jess. My knight in shining armor.
When it is time to go home I wait for jess in the parking lot. She talking to some girls about plans for the week. Never even telling me about her plans with other people, I wasn't even sure she had pretty friends. She also said I was her number one bitch.
Where is my fucking invite? Don't dwell, you wouldn't have gone anyway if she had told you. I'm pulled out of my dark bubble when someone is trying to get my attention. What now, I just want to go home and eat.
"Hey, you do know being thirty-four and working in a super store is still hot in my books. See you" Mr. sex on legs just complimented me and he said see you. What does that mean? Sex, I hope so.
Just as I am about to stop breathing, Jess walks over to me with a huge smile.
"That's Danny, he works here, he's one of the personal trainers. I've never seen him here, but Marie who we went school with does and said he's good at his job".
Who the fuck is Marie.
I need to start the gym, so I can see that god like creature again.