Keep Me Closer

Prologue

NANGINGINIG ANG MGA kamay ko pero hindi ako makakilos. Gusto kong humikbi pero tanging mga luha lang ang lumandas sa mga mata ko. Nilingon ko ang iilang taong dumalo sa libing, i-ilan lang, nakatikom ang bibig ng lahat. Walang masabi. Kasi kung pipilitin ko, baka masasamang alalala lang ang maikuwento nila sa mismong libing ni Mama.

Nakatayo sa hindi kalayuan sina Avie kasama si Heiro at si Tita Emorie na dala-dala ang itim na payong at nakasuot ng shades. Hindi man sila nagsasalita alam kong nakikiramay sila.

Yumuko ulit at huminga ako nang malalim.

Bukod sa kanila ay nandito rin ang iilan sa mga kamag-anak ni Mama na nanatili kahit pa sakit lang sa ulo niya ang dala niya. Maybe they really cared for my late mother? Funny.

Years ago, when I left our home in Michigan, my parents came back here in the Philippines. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Dahil siguro galit sila sa pinaggagawa ko sa buhay ko? O baka hindi nila matanggap na hindi na ako kailanman uuwi sa bahay namin? Does that bring horror to them as my parents? I doubt it. That was what they wanted. For me to be independent, guess they'd pushed me too hard that I ended up on my own and resenting them.

But where did that resentment lead me? To my own chaos.

Well, I guess I'm fine with that.

Mag-isa akong nakasilip sa kabaong, hindi dahil iyon ang gusto ko kung hindi doon ako sanay. Mag-isa. Ayokong pilitin sila na magustuhan si Mama dahil lang patay na siya.

Alam kong wala akong karapatan na magalit sa sarili kong Ina. Ayoko rin namang magmalinis. I got her rebel attitude and too much enthusiasm to do what I think I needed to do, even when those things don't equate to being right.

Kaso hindi ngayon ang unang beses na nawala siya sa akin. I know I lost her the moment I chose my shitty life and distorted beliefs and values.

Ang alam ko, masasaktan ka lang kung ang taong nawala sa 'yo, pinahalagahan mo nang sobra. It's simple but it ain't easy. Because maybe when you lose someone, you lose a part of yourself along the way.

Had I lost so many people in my life that I can barely recognize myself? Pinakiramdam ko ang sarili. Hindi ko man lang maigalaw ang mga labi para ngumiti o humikab. Pagod sa nakaraang mga taon, ngayon, wala na akong maramdaman.

It's like I've been stripped of my own identity. Standing here today attending the mother's burial... I felt like a candle slowly succumbing to fire-to the sadness that's slowly consuming my entirety. But there's nothing to lose. Nothing is left in me.

I don't know who am I anymore. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I aspire to. I just know I needed to keep breathing even when I don't exactly know if my life has a purpose or not.

I didn't expect I'd be devastated when I see my Mom lying in a coffin, her eyes closed, her face showing how she'd felt peace before her last breath.

Losing someone is painful right?

Kailangan kong maramdaman ang sakit... pero bakit wala?

Mama.

If I had to go through extreme, I'd gladly accept it, I don't wanna feel numb anymore. I wanna feel something. I want to let out all this pain.

Humangin nang malakas sa memorial park. Napapikit ako at dinama ang hangin, at kasabay noon ang pag-alala sa mga araw na nakikita ko pa ang pag-intindi at pagmamahal ni Mama sa akin sa kabila ng inis at irita.

"It's cold outside, Lienna," her voice was stern.

"I know, Mommy." I gave her my sweetest smile. "I have my jacket on."