Through The Storm

21

[ TW: eat!ng d!sorder, mentions of suic!de ]

Estella

I woke up the next day later than usual. My mother was still in town because of the accident, even though I had asked her multiple times to just go home. She said Jules was back, am I surprised she didn't come to see me? No. We weren't that close and she knew exactly why.

I was 11 years old the first time she tried to kill herself, and I was the one who found her too. I thought she was my best friend, I would've done anything for her. But apparently I was just another annoying part of her life. It's expected that siblings fight right? Well when she tried to kill herself, she cut me off completely. It was like I had never existed. She resented me for finding her; acting as if I should've let her die there on the bathroom floor.

It was a touchy subject between the two of us for years, and I was 13 when she tried again. This time, I wasn't there to find her— it seemed she resented me for that even more. I tried talking to her, but she wanted nothing to do with me. I was just starting to grasp the idea of depression, not realizing I too would come to find it a short time later.

She tried again when I was 16, she said it was because of me. The way I had gone about living my life— I had developed an eating disorder. She said it was like she was watching me kill myself slowly, when in reality I was the one watching her do that. Jules never showed her love very well, but this was something she wouldn't let go.

When I met David I was 19 and 86 pounds. I was extremely underweight as a 5'4 19 year old. But I didn't care, after all that's what drew him to me right? It didn't take long before I had pushed the workouts too hard, before the calorie counting became too restricted. I was no longer me. And I was hospitalized. Jules was 23, she had finally taken hold of her depression and she says at that moment she knew she was done with me forever.

"You don't care for anyone but yourself Stella! I finally got better. After all these years, I'm finally okay. And here you are dragging me back down with you! I told you years ago to stop this nonsense. But you don't care. This is it Estella. I'm done. I'm done watching you destroy everyone around you, and I'm done letting you destroy me."

I'll never forget that fight. She had been right, I was destroying my life and everything involving it. I ended up in rehab at 22 years old, not having talked to her for two years other than muttering hello at Christmas and Thanksgiving. We had a strained relationship, but I had hoped after getting treatment she would at least talk to me.

I reached out to her, and she ignored my calls. She had become an entrepreneur in Oregon, not too far from Seattle, Washington. But she never visited me while I was there. In fact she made it a point to fly our parents to her instead of coming to us. She avoided me at all costs. So no, I wasn't surprised that she was home in Seattle when mom got the call, and I'm not surprised she didn't have the decency to come see me.

My mom had tried to defend her saying "Stell she's going through a lot."

But I shot back "so am I mom. Moving is a lot. Moving across country is a lot. And I would've been there for her." It mainly hurt more than anything.

"She'll come around eventually. It was hard for her to watch you throw your life away." She looks down as if bringing it up would cause me to spiral.

"Oh right I forgot. It wasn't difficult for me at all finding her half dead when I was 11 years old." I roll my eyes at her. She had always defended Jules, never once agreeing with me.

I walked back to my room, closing the door when my mom tried to follow me. I know she loves me and cares for me but sometimes I just wish she could see my side. And I know I haven't really told her what's been going on here, she thinks I've been meeting with Ruby and the girls this whole time. She had no idea there was even a Cade.

Speaking of, I had pondered all day over the thought to call him or not. I didn't want to be one of those girls that calls after the first date but we just left things so bad. I mean he tells me he wants to take me on a proper date, stuff happened, and now it's like Im the worst person he's ever met.

Part of me also felt like an idiot, he literally threatened my sister if I didn't go on the date. I should've went to the cops, there should've never been a meet up with him. In fact, the person he was when I was with him didn't seem dangerous at all. Unless he got pissed off— which he did that night in the alley.

It truly had been my fault, I said something and I pushed too far into his personal life. He had a right to be angry, not saying he should've told me he'd kill me. But I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. He had been angry, and we all say things out of anger. Maybe he didn't mean it? Maybe he was being honest at the diner when he said it got out of hand and it wasn't really him that night. But even if it was, my heart still hurt for him.

Imagining those nightmares, the screams I heard at his place. It was enough to haunt me, and it should've been enough to make me turn away completely. But I couldn't do that. I wasn't that person. I knew what hurting felt like, and I knew that he needed a friend; that's all I wanted to be. I just wanted to be there for him and show him he could count on someone other than himself. But he didn't want that from me.

I needed to accept it one way or another, otherwise I'll keep ending up under him and then broken when he leaves. And I was not succumbing to that feeling ever again; not after David.

~~

[ once again, not my fav chapter. But that's the past with her sister which needed to be brought up, and yes her mom has been in Houston since the accident. And I wanna make it clear she's not being blind with Cade, she just knows the feeling of hopelessness all too well and she wants to help.

Anyways, I woke up today to 1,000 reads! That's insane! I'm lost for words, I never expected to even get 100. Thank you guys so so much for this!! And thank you for reading <3 ]