Mindless Dreams and Nightmares

Chapter 4: Not so Alone

Dedicated to Iam_MindlessKay because she reminded me my opinion does matter and she wanted to hear it :') I was touched <3

I got home just before 7. I closed the door and leant against it for a second gathering all the emotional strength I had before straightening up and walking into the living room.
"Where the fuck have you been you stupid little whore?" Came my greeting. I was surprised she noticed I was gone to be honest.
"I was out with Rinaa mum, we went to the national gallery" I said quietly not daring to get any closer to the sofa she was sitting on.
"Really? You were out with Rinaa?" She said scathingly. I flinched at her tone. She smiled a bitter twisted smile I'm pretty sure she had reserved only for me. I felt so small "Go upstairs. Get into your room and stay there. I cant bear to look at you." She said waving her hand to indicate I was dismissed. I turned and ran from the living room. I took the stairs 3 at a time ran into my room and shut the door. I looked around. My room was a small sanctuary, the only room in the house that looked and truly felt like home.
My walls were plum and my duvet was cream with plum and gold coloured vines going from the bottom left to the top right hand corner with a matching pillow, but what made it feel like home was the fluffy rugs and fairy lights I had in there. I had wound the lights around my bedhead and wrapped them round my desk leg. I placed them along my curtain rail and trailed them across my shelves. In the evening after I shut the curtains and turned the lights on I feel relaxed and warm. Its almost enough to make me forget what lies outside my safe little haven. I took off my jacket threw it on my bed and sat in the centre of the room and curled into a ball. The rug was so comfortable I wanted to stay there forever but I uncurled myself pulled out my Ipod and put on some music. I lay back and stared at the ceiling, I wondered why I was so alone. My best friend had no idea what went on in my head and my house. My mum seems to hate the fact that I exist and my Uncle doesnt seem to remember or care that I am a living thing with feelings ......... I sat up suddenly. I knew who I needed right now. I looked at my clock. 7: 14 . It would be about midday where Devante is. I had an extension of the landline phone in my bedroom so I got up off the floor and got the phone. I pressed the cool plastic to my face and called dial-a-round, a company that makes the calls I place to america cost 1p a minute instead of "Thousands of pounds an hour" as my mum once put it. Once connected I dialled in Devante's number. It rang for a bit before "Hello?"
Devante's voice put an instant smile on my face "Hey Vante, whats up?"
I could hear the smile in his voice as he said "Nothing at the moment. Whats good Meelah?
I laughed slightly, "How'd you know it was me!?" I already knew the answer to this but I just wanted to hear him say it.
"You're the only person in the world who calls me Vante, Meelah" He paused "Meelah, whats wrong? You never call me on a saturday." I love the fact that he notices little things other people miss. "Is everything ok?"
I sighed. I didnt know where to start. "Its kinda complicated..."
"Since when is it complicated, when your talkiing to me?" He asked.
I smiled at the phone and crossed my legs. "I almost forgot who I was talking to"  I looked down "I had a really wierd feeling today."
"Oh? What kind of feeling?"
"Dont laugh"
"When have I ever laughed at your feelings?"
"I got butterflies like in my stomach.....I didnt like it, they kept getting stronger and they just wouldnt fade-"
"Whats his name Meels?" He asked me gently
"What?" I was shocked, I Devante knew me well, but I didnt think he knew me THAT well
"Look, you say you had butterflies, butterflies that you couldnt get rid of. I know you well enough to know that you can control your emotions, so just tell me his name"
I laughed "Its not like that!!!!" I explained everything that happened at Global to him and when I finished I waited for him to say something but he didnt speak. "Hello?"
I heard him take a deep breath and then say "Meelah, when someone makes you feel like that you need to go with it, you need to call him"
"But-"
"No Meelah listen. I know your mother has always told you love doesnt exist but trust me on this one, what your feeling is the beginning of love-"
"But, how could I love someone I dont even know?"
"It may not be love yet but how will you know what it'll turn into? You need to find out otherwise you'll regret it."
"Vante its not that I dont want to call him....What if he throws my feelings back at me like everyone else?" I said quietly
"You scared?"He asked. I fell silent. I couldnt explain what I felt because I barely understood it myself! "Meelah, listen to me, you need to stop being so afraid to feel. I'm worried about you, what happened to the sweet girl loving girl that waved me onto my plane 2 years ago?"
"She's still here!!" I said indignatly.
"I know your still sweet kind and loving but why wont you accept love?"
"Its comp-"
"Its less complicated than you think Meels, just stop locking your heart away. Trust me, you'll thank me later"
"Devante...." I felt a bit more sure of myself now and I knew what I had to do but there was one more question I had to ask him  "Its been 2 years. Are you ever coming back?"
Now it was his turn to go quiet "Jameelah its-"
"DONT YOU DARE TELL ME ITS COMPLICATED DEVANTE CARLTONI!" I yelled down the phone "ITS BEEN AGES SINCE I'VE SEEN YOU AND ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS ITS COMPLICATED"
"Jameelah calm-"
"DONT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!! I've been holding in how much I missed you because I knew you had to study but now schools over and you decide to stay there? Do you have any idea how I feel without you here?" I was a little shocked at my outburst but I thought it was about time he knew exactly how I felt about him living so far.
"Meelah listen. I dont want to stay far away from you forever and I promise you I wont, but once your mum and dad set me up with an apartment here I realised how much I love it here. I will come and visit you one day I promise."
I sighed deeply "I miss you Dev, things got real bad once you left." I sighed again, its about time I tell him exactly whats going on. I told him how Uncle Luke had been ignoring me and how my mum seemed to hate the sheer sight of me.
"Why on Earth didnt you tell me sooner? I wouldve been on the plane in a heartbeat."
I sighed "Well I thought you were coming back after your last semester didnt I?" I began to play with the corner of my rug, I hadn't told him how bad things really were because I thought that he would come back and fix it like he always used to. Even as an 8 year old kid Devante had always held our family together and I did a really bad job of continuing holding the family together once he'd gone. Things got worse and worse until one day the glimmer of family bonds we once had disappeared.
"I had no idea, look if you call this guy that gave you butterflies earlier, I'll see what I can do about getting a flight to London ok?"
I smiled big "okay!!!!"
"And Jameelah, I will call you 5pm tomorrow, your time, trust me I'll know if you've called that guy or not!"
I smiled at the phone, I knew he would know if I had called Prodigy or not. "Fine! Speak to you tomorrow Vante."
"Bye Meelah, I love you"
"Love you too." I hung up.
I rolled away from the phone and looked at the clock. 8pm. I'd been on the phone for 45minutes. It didnt feel like it! I swear the time flies when I talk to Devante and I always feel not so alone after talking to him.....

About half an hour later I had showered and put my night clothes on. I was wearing an old faded white nightie with elmo on the front and a pair of soft red shorts. I had put my fairy lights on and sat crossed legged on my bed but I still hadnt called Prodigy. I had the slip of paper he gave me earlier in my hand. I was toying with it, tugging it doing everything with it except calling the number on it.
Its not that I didnt want to call it, I just had no idea what I would say. A sarcastic voice at the back of my head said "You'd say say hello, idiot.". Its true, all I had to do was dial 11 digits. It really wasnt that hard. I stared at the phone in the corner wishing it would just take itself of the hook and dial the number and speak for me but I knew it wouldnt so I swung myself off of my bed and sat on the edge of the rug beside the phone.
I looked at the paper one more time before I sucked my breath in and dialled........The phone rang twice before someone picked up. "Hello?" A boys voice. It wasnt Prodigy, this boy sounded like he had a blocked nose. "Hellooooo???" the voice said again. I realised I hadnt spoken yet
"Oh er hello? Yeah I am calling to er talk to, Prodigy?" It came out more as a question than anything else.
"Ok, one second" The voice grew distant "Ayoo Prod, there's girl on the line, she say wanna talk to you." A scuffling noise then "Hello, Jameelah?" This time it was Prodigy's voice.
"Hi" I said the butterflies were back again. I put a hand on my stomach and breathed deeply "You told me to call if I feel 'friendly' later on. Here I am"
He laughed. He had a really nice laugh, a smile came over my face. It just crept up on me but this time I didnt try to get rid of it I just kept smiling like an idiot. "I'm surprised you called . I was beginning to think that you werent gonna you know call ." He said quietly, he sounded kind of upset. I thought things were going to get really quiet and awkward but he just said "So what are you doing?" in a really upbeat voice.
I smiled at the phone. "At the moment I'm talking to you"
"Ok what were you doing before then?"
"Why are you so interested?"
"Why dont you want to tell me? Were you with your boyfriend?" He teased
"What boyfriend?" I laughed "you keep asking me about my boyfriend and I dont even have one!" I exclaimed with a giggle. He was surprisingly easy to talk to, the butterflies died down.
"so .... I guess your not busy Tuesday? " he said with a chuckle. All of a sudden the stomach fluttered again. Was he asking me out? I didnt know what to say, I really didnt. I mean a date wasn't part of the deal! "Listen." he said sounding concerned "I'm not thinking anything major, we could go for a walk if you wanted!! I just wanted to get to know you a bit better and see you again?" He said softly. I knew it wasnt really a question but the way his voice slightly raised at the end made it sound like a question. "What do you think?"
I thought for a second. I did want to see him again, but I didnt know about going out during the day. I really didnt want another run in with my mother "Um, T-Tuesday's fine but uh" I was stuttering! Why was I stuttering? Ok I felt a bit nervous but I dont usually stutter! "Could we go out during the evening?"
"Why?" He asked curiously, I breathed in sharply. I wasnt about to go into details about why, I didnt know what I was going to say, my palms got sweaty as I prepared to make an excuse up but I was spared having to answer him because I heard a the blocked nose voice from before say "Ayoo Prod man get off the phone now we got rehearsals tomorrow"
I laughed at him then said "Ayee you gotta go now?" I asked
"Oh please, like I do what Ray tells me to do!" He said "But have you got a number I can text you on?"
"yeah...." I said with a slight smile
"Well.... Could I get it?"
"Maybe"
"Jameelah!"
"ok!" I laughed and gave him my number.
"Thanks. I'll send you a message in about 5minutes" He said
"Ok bye" I said
"Oh and Jameelah?" He asked
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for calling" He said
"No problem, I'm kinda glad I did to be honest" It was true, I was glad I called him. The butterflies were stilll there but they were no longer a issue. After one last goodbye I hung up the phone and dived onto my bed and just lay there staring at the ceiling thinking over what had just happened.....
My phone vibrated bringing me back to earth. It was unknown but once I read the message I knew exactly who it was. :

 Tuesday, 8pm, hows that for you? L. Prod :)

I looked at it for a moment before replying  :

Thats fine .... could you we meet outside the global radio building? you know where we were earlier I have a nice place to go in mind :)x Jameelah

it took about 5 more minutes before the reply came through :

Sure thing, see you there then :)

I looked at the message and smiled. I cant wait to tell Rinaa and Devante!!!!! I felt better than I had in quite a while, I dont know if I could call it complete happiness but, I was close....It  Looks I am not so alone after all.