Lost Control

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by chameleonboii

by chameleonboii

TRIGGER WARNING: weed/drugs

"You have to stop!" Evan took the joint from Connor's hand, throwing it to the ground and smashing it with the bottom of his shoe. Connor looked stunned, surprised the more quiet boy was showing so much confidence. His eyes were stunned red with big dark bags under them. A growl almost escaped his lips, looking at Evan darkly.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to taste weed when I kiss you. It makes me think I can't make you happy... I-I'm failing Connor! You need to stop! It's going to kill you!" Evan was yelling at Connor for smoking for months. But he had brought his weed into the orchard on their date which put it over the line for Evan. Tears lined his eyes as saw Connor break eye contact with him and look to the sky.

"It's not you... I'm just not happy. I am, when I'm with you... But the voices in my head declare otherwise." Connor stated almost simply, looking up a nearby oak tree. He leant against it, seeing if he could try to scale up it later.

"Then there's a bigger problem. You need help, and I'm going to help you! I-I can get you a therapist and we can start small... I'll even go with you!"

"Evan, I don't want help. I deserve it. I've lost control." Evan's expression darkened, tears streaming steadily out of his eyes.

"No. No you don't.... Connor Murphy I love you and I'm going to make your world a better place. First we're gonna go to the hospital and ask for help, okay?"

"I don't want help!" He nearly yelled out as he started climbing up the tree, putting his hoodie up over his hair as he managed to get to a high enough branch so he could still see Evan.

"But you need it! I can't... I can't let you go on like this... It'll kill me! Connor if anything happens to you..." Evan choked a little, sitting down and crying against the tree. Connor winced as he heard Evan's sobs, wanting to go down and comfort his crying boyfriend.

"I'll be fine-"

"I won't be! Is th-that what you want? You want to see me hurt? I-I can just leave!" Evan clenched his fists so his nails dug into his palms and a little blood came out. Connor gripped against the tree, trying not to cry.

"Don't leave..." He whispered, hoping Evan would hear him. Almost smiling as he saw Evan look up, his heart broke again when he saw Evan's palms covered in blood and tears staining his clothing. With his bleeding hands Evan managed to climb up the tree a little, reaching up to the branch below Connor.

"I'm gonna stay with you as long as I can. But... You need to get help. I can't just sit and watch my love wither away..."

"It's not that easy to just quit, you know." Connor nearly spat back at him, shivering as he saw Evan cower again.

"M-My mom is a nurse. She handles this stuff all the time... Do you want to talk to her? Just to start maybe?" There was a tense silence lingering in the air, Evan avoiding Connor's glances to him.

"I like it... Weed, I like weed..."

"More than me?" Evan murmured, not aware that Connor could hear him. Soon there was a presence next to Evan, looking at him with frightened eyes.

"No. I love you... A lot... And I want something that's going to make me happy. That's you... You make me happy. If the person who I love makes me happy, he deserves to be happy too. I want to try to be more happy, to silence the voices in my head. I thought smoking would do that... But fuck, it makes it worse. I don't want people thinking I'm weak to quit..."

"You're only going to show people how strong you are if you quit. If they don't think that, then ignore them since if you at least try to quit, you're the strongest person in the universe to me. Even stronger than this tree, and it's pretty strong! White Oaks are really-" Evan shut up noticing he was rambling, blushing a little as he hid his face in Connor's hoodie. The smell of weed was fading as the crisp air blew against their backs. Connor kissed Evan quickly, holding his hand as he looked deep into his eyes.

"If I try... I need you to stay with me the whole journey. You keep me strong Ev."

"I'll stay with you through anything... So, Connor Murphy, do you promise to at least try to get help and stop smoking?" Evan said softly, gripping Connor's hand tight in his own.

"I do. I promise... I swear on this tree!" Connor added with a small smile, earning a kiss on the cheek from Evan followed by both boys falling instinctively towards each other and kissing innocently but full of love for the other.

"Y-You're gonna be okay... I'm so fucking proud of you." Evan's face went red again, moving closer to Connor on the branch and wrapping his legs around the taller boy.

"I'm sorry for scaring you... I shouldn't have yelled. This is all my fault..."

"Mental illness isn't you. You can't help thinking what you do... And you turned to something that probably wasn't the best option but you tried. It's okay that you did... It's not healthy but you needed help. Now we can get you good help... As long as you accept it." Evan managed to stumble out some sort of speech to Connor, playing with his fingers in his own.

"I want help. I don't think I can go on without it... I don't want to leave you." Connor whispered the last part directly to Evan, as if he were scared that anyone else would hear.

"We're gonna go home after this... To my house. My mom loves you already, and she'd be happy to help you. You can even come with me to my therapist, he's really nice."

"Okay... Thank you. But for right now, let's focus on us." He pulled Evan closer to him, kissing him so that he didn't open his mouth all the way so he could avoid spreading the taste of stale weed. Evan smiled against the kiss in silent appreciation, leaning farther forward as Connor wrapped his arms around the small of his back. They stayed together, giggling and stealing kisses from one another for what seemed to be hours before Connor looked questioning to Evan, which Evan responded with a nod. Silently communicating to one another that Connor was ready to talk to Heidi, they climbed down the tree and kissed at the bottom once more before joining hands again and walking out from the orchard. The couple was quiet except for the occasional "I don't think I told you how proud I am-" and "Thank you". They approached the door as the sun set, the wind behind them almost pushing them forward. Connor looked nervously down to Evan, and Evan just gave his hand a squeeze and a trail of kisses from his neck up to his lips.

"It's going to be okay... Ready?"

"Ready."

a.n: idk man this is rlly bad im sorry,, i really need requests if you have any... <3