Write it Down so I Don't Forget

Sadish Childhood

So today is the one day I have two finals.... English and APES. I can't really study for English but I still need to watch the video for APES. I think I'm going to do that during lunch or forensics, probably forensics dice it's always awkward in that class since Rachel isn't talking to me. I got her a birthday/Christmas present. I'm going to write her a card and leave it on her door step one of these days.
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I have a really cute outfit picked out but I'm not sure if I should wear it tomorrow for Kane's party which he hasn't brought up again so I'll have to ask him about it today. We're slightly awkward around each other but also not, it's so weird, maybe it's just me idk.
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I told Erin about the gift because she was my secret Santa and I'm her's so yeah I felt it was only right. She said it was cool. So apparently Kane's party is late met than I thought it's at 7 and so I believe we're still going to go shopping. He said he hates it when hosts only talk to a certain group as opposed to loving about the room and talking to everyone so hopefully he'll do that and I won't be ignored. He called me the worst person, they all do because I am and he was like you're my number two after Hitler.... It was kinda funny cause I'm the worst but also not. I'm not sure how to explain it but they all tell me I'm the worst, it's a joke with us, like how we call each other trash.
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Finished my APES test in 38 minutes... It was literally the last test we took and some other questions thrown in, it was so easy. These two girls are still taking it though 🙄 we've already taken this test just put the same answers plus the video was the test verbatim.
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I told Erin and Claire my life basically and Claire was like "Aweee you're life is so sad" and I'm thinking  "oh gosh I didn't even tell you the worst part.... "I'm never gonna because I don't like to talk about it so yeah, I've never told anyone my deepest darkest secret. Except one friend but we were young so she probably doesn't remember or did know what it meant back then. Hell I didn't even really grasp the concept until I got older.
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During lunch I peeled his orange... For some strange reason I like peeling oranges and hard oiled eggs even high I don't like to eat either.... Idk it's weird.
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Anyway on a less depressing note Claire, Erin and I went to sonic again. We had loads of fun laughing and being idiots. I told them that I thought about asking Kane out after his party and they were like you should do it!!! Then Claire was like or I could tell him that he should ask you out. I love that idea, I really hope she does. She might say something along the lines of "so here's the thing Elizabeth likes you and I think you should ask her out, if you don't want to then don't do anything and forget this happened but you could ask her out. And honestly I don't care if nothing happens oh well but I don't want to go on being like "ohh I could have done something" so I'm going for it, if Claire doesn't do it then I will as I'm leaving for sure. Done waiting for things to happen, I'm going to make them happen. I'm almost 100% sure he doesn't like me back but you win some you loose some. I don't want a commitment just a date to see how things would be,  I want to keep my options open but he is the first guy I want to go on a date with. What I'm actually afraid of is tat if he knows for sure that I like him that he'll realize that all the signs were there.... Like my hang shaking and little things like that. I know he'll realize after he knows because he is super observant. I'm also scared that he likes Claire is is going to be spontaneous and kiss her while she is trying to tell him that I like him.... (This is what happens when you watch too many and read too many romance movies and books....)
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Erin and I really want to go shopping tomorrow before hand and I think he might tag along but I'm not sure, they get out at like 1:30 and I get out at 12 so we'll have plenty of time before the party. I think I picked out my outfit, I'm going to wear my hold glittery top, blue jeans and my brown booties with my leather jacket even though I hate black and brown together I'm going to suck it up because I want to wear both pieces.
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Omfg so I'm just scrolling through wattpad and clicking on stories I might want to read and no joke four of the stories have a character with Kane's last name! What the hell!? And some had his last name as the character's first name and Ughhh I can't escape! Fuck you Kane! Fuck you!!! You semi-arrogant, flirty, annoying, idiotic idiot! Grrrr can you like not be everywhere!? JFC.
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I know he doesn't like me like that. I'm nearly 100% sure.... But you know there is that small, tiny, itty bitty sliver of hope. I know in my head it's never gonna happen but sometimes I like to think it will. I told Claire out plan if off, I don't want to waste any of our time with stupid stuff.
I talked to my mom about it and she planted a seed of hope in me so i told Claire to do whatever she wanted.
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So I want to write about something however in kinda tired so I'll do it another day.