Matt Brown: Collection of Short Alaskan Bush People Fan Fics

Lost - A sequel to 'Baby'

For _Jessicajoyce_

You stared out of the window of the airplane and leaned your forehead against the cool pane. The clouds were weightless and light in contrast to your heavy heart. Your mind and emotions were still in turmoil after spending only a few days with Matt in Alaska. You both knew you had to go back home and the tightness in your chest at the thought of leaving him was both terrible and beautiful. The long flight gave you too much time to think and wrestle with your feelings for him.

You were stunned and scared because you knew he was the one. He was the one you had gotten lost in and who would live in your heart forever. Closing your eyes, you replayed every moment and every word you shared with him. Your vision was stark and you experienced clearly in your mind the way he looked at you; the way he touched you; the way his lips felt on yours.

The last thing you expected was to fall in love. You let that thought sit in your mind for a few seconds as you blinked the stinging tears away. You were in love with Matt Brown and you didn't want to deny it any longer. It should have been the most wonderful feeling in the world, to be in love. But the feeling was too fresh, too raw. In just a few days he had opened up your mind and your heart with his gentle words and his loud laugh. His innocent smile and his world-weary eyes left you breathless and aching for more of him.

Flying over the expanse of the ocean, your thoughts traveled back to the last time you had looked into Matt's sky blue eyes. He had held your hand tightly as he sat across from you at the small table in the coffee shop. His smile came and went as he struggled to find the words to convince you to stay in Alaska instead of traveling on with the "Poetry Unleashed" tour.

"I don't have a lot to offer you, but I'll give you everything I have." Matt's voice was husky with emotion.

"You don't have to give me anything, Matt." You wanted to look away from the earnestness in his eyes. Did he even know he had already given you everything you wanted?

"Is there anything I can do or say to make you stay?" He had asked that so many times you lost count.

"I want to stay, Matt. I really do. But the plans for the tour have been set for over a year. I can't cancel now."

He had been rubbing his thumbs against your fingers and he moved closer to you and dropped his head softly onto your hands.

"Can't or won't?" Was his anguished reply.

You blinked back more tears as the flashing memory assaulted you.

The days you and Matt spent together in Alaska were like drinking a cup of sweet tea after a lifetime of bitter vodka. The sound of his laughter was always in your ear as you listened to him talk of his life and his family and his dreams. The two of you talked of everything you could think of because you knew your time together was short. You held your sides and laughed as he told you about the time he superglued his hand to a desk they were hauling for a customer.

"I kind of paused for a moment." Matt looked up into the sky as he recalled the image. "And I thought; Okay. What are we gonna do now?" He grinned and asked the un-answering air.

Your response was to tell him about the time you accidently stapled your sleeve to the wall when you were working on a project at your home. His eyes widened and his laughter mingled with yours and the sound it produced was like a symphony.

For those few days your world revolved around Matt and his company brought a comforting warmth and joy to your life. He was your sun. And he said you made him feel like he could do anything. That he could be anything. Your heart ached in your chest, wanting that to be true. You wanted to throw everything away, just dive right in with no expectations and only an open mind and an open heart.

But your life had been ink on blank pages for so long that you didn't know how to talk without first looking down at the page. Loving Matt was like chasing butterflies that were just out of reach. He was there and you were here and the hole in your heart was like a crushing weight. You lifted your head from where it rested on the windowpane and focused back down on the blank page before you. Tapping your pen restlessly, you sighed out loud and didn't care who heard you. Matt wanted so much of you and you were afraid of the look of desire in his eyes because you weren't sure either of you could survive drowning in each other.

The first time he moved close to you and brushed your lips with his, you knew the kiss would be perfect. It felt as if everything you had been waiting for all came together in that moment when his mouth sealed to your mouth and you never wanted to leave that place. His hands grappled with your soft cloth hat; he wanted to feel your hair with his fingers. Your hands were busy too, searching, reaching, finding the places that made him moan and push closer to you. And his tongue swirled around yours and the taste of him burned into your brain and you surrendered to the shipwreck of sensations. Throwing your head back on the headrest of the airplane seat, your mind began to spin with the perfect words you had been wrestling so hard to express.

From the first moment I let my eyes travel,
You were their adventure.
I wanted to get lost in you
With you.
I wanted to explore the words
Love, lust, want, need... desire,
Wonderlust with you.

You are a wonderland
And I am in hell,
I want to find the rabbit hole
And dive right in,
With no expectations
But only with an open mind,
And open heart.

Your eyes hold the most beautiful oceans
The kind of oceans I'd get lost in,
The kind that I'd happily be shipwrecked in,
If it meant I could drown in –
Fill my lungs with your ocean.

Your laughter,
It's warmer than the sun's rays.
On days I forget that you are not with me,
That all I felt was the sun shining,
The same way you do.

Oh how I crave you,
Like a crush – I hate the word crush.
In order for you to be my crush,
You would have to crush my heart
And you haven't-
Could never do that

Loving you,
Is like chasing butterflies,
You seem just out of reach,
And I'm afraid to grasp onto you
What if I hurt you?
How will you fly again?

You are my cup of tea,
After a lifetime of alcoholism.
All of the bottles and wasted nights
Of vodka, tequila and sparkling champagne
Could never do you justice.
I am ready to put the bottle down.

Leaving Matt at the airport in Juneau was the hardest thing you had ever done. In those few days together his eyes had become your adventure and you knew you couldn't live without exploring every inch of him. Putting away your pen and paper, you breathed deeply as your flight landed. You watched all the faces of the people as they hurried off the plane and to their destinations. You walked slowly because you knew there was no hurry, no rush anymore.

When you saw Matt racing through the small Juneau airport, heading for the place you texted him you would be, your heart stopped for an instant. His wild curly hair was flying around his head and his boots were partially untied. He must have raced out of the house when he got your message that you were coming back. When his blue eyes met yours he never stopped running but his smile took over his face and his eyes shone.

For a second you thought he would knock you down he was moving at you so fast. But at the last instant he stopped and grabbed your face in his hands and there was so much he wanted to say and there was so much you wanted to say. There were more decisions to be made and things were still loose and unclear between you. Neither of you said a word, though. Because then his lips were on yours and you knew you would do whatever it took, risk anything, lose everything, just to fill your lungs with his ocean.

All the things I want to tell you,
The things you deserve to know.
I know that they could hurt you,
In ways love only understands.
So I buried them beneath ink and in blank pages.
I buried them so they cannot hurt you,
I buried them,
So they could hurt me instead.

**The poem was written by _Jessicajoyce_ specifically for this story.