Queen of the Pirates

A Chat with Blackbeard

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I wrap the blanket tighter around my body as I stare out at the black sea and twinkling stars above. There's comfort in knowing that the others could be looking up at the same stars as I am right now.

Today was hopefully my only full day with Blackbeard and his crew. It wasn't horrible in the sense that they were bothering me, but I would prefer that I don't have to spend more time than necessary with these creeps.

Last night I luckily had some food that could be used to make dinner without having to leave my room, so I did that to avoid running into anyone while I tried to find the kitchen. Once I was finished with dinner, I waited a long time before I exited my room to find some of the other much needed areas on this ship.

First, I found the kitchen that wasn't as much of a disaster as I thought it was going to be. The dishes were piled up in the sink, but it could have been a lot worse. Then I wandered around until I found the bathroom, so at least there is a private area for me to do my business. With my exploration done, I returned to my room to curl up in bed to try and get some rest.

I wasn't surprised to be awoken by nightmares like I have consistently since Kuma separated everyone, but I'm glad I didn't wake up screaming like I did the morning before. Instead, I just woke up with my heart pounding as I struggled to find the single blanket that was covering me. I know I should try to figure out how I can keep the nightmares away without having to rely on Luffy holding me, but I'm not even sure where to start.

When I think back on the memories that are the basis of these nightmares, I just see a little girl scared out of her mind doing her best to survive. I don't blame my younger self for not doing more to get out of the horrible situation that I was in. I did everything I could to avoid the man that raised me as much as possible, but I still felt like I had to go back to that house. It was the only home that I knew, and I wasn't sure that I could survive multiple years in the treehouse the boys made. I also knew that the man who raised me would just come after me and cause havoc to anyone who got in his way. I'm sure the mountain bandits that were in charge of watching over Luffy would have protected me, but I didn't want to put them through having to make that kind of decision. Thus, I kept going home because there was nowhere else I could go.

Regardless, I can't change the past, and I know that. All I can do is come to terms with what happened to me back then and work towards healing however I can. Except it is the healing part that is the most difficult. Chopper says that it isn't my fault that I have moments like when Luffy and Usopp were fighting over the Going Merry. Where I was uncontrollably shaking and overtaken by fear. That my trauma is triggered by certain incidents, causing unbelievable stress on my body as I revert back to the moment that caused the stress in the first place. I know that healing takes time, but I'm not sure how many more nightmares I can take.

I was able to fall back asleep for a few more hours before my stomach forced me away. For breakfast I had to go use the kitchen, and luckily I didn't have to deal with anyone as I made my meal. The only issue I ran into was when I was leaving, Laffitte was coming in to make some tea, but he only commented on my delicious meal and his own intent for quenching his thirst. I ate in my room to avoid anyone else.

Then came the struggle of the next couple of hours. With my room being as small as it is, it is impossible to train with my shurikens or daggers. I could barely make a full throwing motion. Then I tried to do any kind of exercise in the small space. It worked for a while, but there's only so much time that I could spend doing the same handful of exercises before I lost my mind.

Luckily it was lunch time at that point, so I made some lunch with the food that I had in my boxes. I could hear the others getting loud and shouting at each other, so I didn't want to risk having to go to the kitchen. Once I was finished with my meal, I decided the last thing I could do is try to get some more sleep. It would be a great way to pass the most time without getting bored, and I know that I'm going to need all the rest I can get before we get wherever the hell we're going.