Just one more pill 5sos fanfic Luke Hemmings, Ashton Irwin ( #wattys2015 )

Part 28. You don't try

When I walked in I knew I was going to be expecting it. I just didn't know it was going to hurt that bad. When Ashton said he liked my best friend, it felt unreal. It felt like I was being lied to and was on one of those prank shows.

I brought down my self confidence a lot.

And I know it's stupid to say that a boy can do that to you, but let me explain.

I love Kate I trust with anything and everything I need help with. But she's a lot prettier than I am, everyone thinks she's gorgeous. I get jealous so extremely quickly you wouldn't believe it. But Kate, she gets every guy. Even with out knowing it.

All of the people become close with me, they make me laugh, there cute and friendly. And I (over a period of time) develop a crush. Then that's when they confessed that they like my best friend that they have never even met.

This has never happened from Kates point of view, and it's not her fault. But I feel like it is.

"Oh did I ruin something..." I said awkwardly walking in to there conversation.

"Alex....um I, wait let me talk to you" Ashton tried to day.

"No... Ashton, your just like everyone else. I'm sorry I ruined you big moment" I said looking at my feet.

"Alex I'm so confused" Kate said

"You wont get it, but again I'm sorry" I said running down the stairs. I could feel tears in my eyes.

I ran into my room and slammed the door.

"Why are you doing this, your with Luke now Alex"

I don't think it's because of Ashton. I think it's that I live in a constant fear that people who I get close to will leave. And he just conformed my "test."

I could hear arguing upstairs. Sophia yelling at Ashton, Kate yelling at Sophia, Sophia yelling back at Kate, Ashton yelling at Sophia.

I was done.

I started packing my bag. I can't handle this stupid little town.

I grabbed blankets, pillows, and clothes.

I took a breath before opening my door and walking up the stairs. Everything went quite. Kate was so confused. I felt bad leaving. Sophia looked pissed, she knew exactly what was going on. Ashton looked sorry.

They were all looking at me.

I just grabbed my school bag and went to my car. Put everything in and drove away. Letting my worries go with the wind and belting Taylor Swift to myself.

I made my way to a rest stop about 15 minutes away from my aunts house.

I turned on my light and did my school work.

My phone was going crazy. Texts from Ashton, Kate, Sophia, and even Michael. I didn't awnser. I really did not want to explain my self to them. After I finished doing my school work, I put down the seats and laying blankets on them. Before I knew it I was asleep.

~●~●~●~

About half way through the night I got a tremendous migraine.

There were memories, thoughts.

Thoughts of Zach filled my mind. Image's, perfect pictures of the not so perfect person. Visions of things we did so clearly filled my mind.

I had known him for exactly 45 days. And it had been exactly 60 days since he left. In exactly 60 he managed to controll my life.

The pains in my head got progressively worse and worse. I was spiraling into confusion. Down the rabbit hole.

I was screaming. Kicking. Crying. All in everlasting pain. Zach. The name kept echoing back. I tried to push it aside for the longest time. I tried to dig it into the holes of my mind, never looking at it.

"I think I made you up inside my head" I banged my head with my hands.

"Get out, get out of my head! You died I remember you dying!" I screamed. I was still pounding. Harder and harder.

"I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane."

No. It's not true. I'm not crazy. He died. I know he did.

I was shaking, shivering. My head filled with nothing but visions. Happy ones, sad ones. Life.

I had known him for 45 days, 45 wonderful days. It had been 60 days since he died, 60 painful, life days.

"I think I made you inside my head"

The voices echoed getting louder every time they would repeat themselfs.

I went back to that night, the last time I saw him.

The real last time.

It was nothing how I remembered it. Everything cold.

I was talking to him. And everything seemed great. We seemed fine. It was nothing how I thought it was. In the end I went home. I went to my room a cried. I claimed my boyfriend died. I knew he died.

"I made you up inside my head"

And all at once the visions stopped. Leaving me dying from breath. Leaving me in a shaky cold mess.

Those weren't the last days I saw him. They were the last days I remember. The last days before I built up a wall. Before I made up the sick twisted lie in my head to protect myself. The sick twisted lie that he died.

I killed you in my mind because I didn't know how to handle it. I killed you thinking it would save me, but really I was dying to.

Just because you have a heartbeat, doesn't mean your alive. It doesn't mean your actually truely alive.

"I think I made you up inside my head" I let Silva Plath's words take over.

" "I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

A mad girl's love song by Silvia Plath. We had read it when I was still in Colorado, but I never really got it. You can search for the meaning of things and still be completely lost about it, until it smacks you right in the face.

He didn't die.

Zach didn't die. I implanted it in my mind. But he's still alive. Breathing, sleeping, living his life while I'm the one who got fucked by there own mind. There own body.

He didn't die.