-Jordan-
I was so happy for Blake. I was so, so incredibly happy for him. He'd looked spooked like a deer in the headlights when he talked with his parents for the first time, and even for a little while after that, but I could tell that he was happy too.
When he hugged me, I could feel his excitement. From a homeless thief to a man who finally knew who he was... I was so glad to be there to see that. He'd never be homeless again. He'd never be a thief again. And he finally had a name. A real name. I loved the name, Blake, but his real name was beautiful too.
"Antoni..." I whispered tentatively while his lips were traveling down my chest.
He let out a short chuckle and pushed himself up to see my face. I wrapped my legs around him under the covers and smiled up at him. He didn't say anything. He leaned in to kiss my lips and continued his exploration that I had interrupted. I rested my head back, closed my eyes, and let him do his magic.
And I didn't interrupt him again.
In the morning, I was the first one to wake up, as usual. I tried to move slowly and not let out a sound while I wiggled around to find a better position right next to Blake. He needed the rest after all the work he did last night. Poor guy had been exhausted... But it brought a smile on my face.
I stared at him for a while. How awful was I for being so glad that he was there, right next to me? He wouldn't be there if he hadn't been kidnapped. And then abandoned in a foreign country when he was just a small child. How on earth had no one noticed him? He'd told me many tales of homeless people taking care of him, raising him to become a thief because those people didn't trust the authorities.
The scars on his body told the tales he didn't like to talk about. How was he still such a sweet, kind and caring man after being treated so badly? How had he been able to trust me from the very beginning? He was still so full of life and hope and optimism, but what had the world given him in return?
He deserved so much more than the life he'd been living. I wanted to give him the world.
I couldn't resist touching him. I wanted to hold him, so I snuggled closer and carefully rested my arm over his chest and my chin against his shoulder. He didn't wake up, so I dared to slide my leg between his, completely wrapping myself around him.
He still didn't wake up... I couldn't help but smile at him. He really did exhaust himself last night, and I had to admit, I was sore. Sore and happy and relaxed. Even my normal anxiety couldn't quite keep its hold on me. I saw the nightstand behind Blake, and even the empty spot where my clock used to be couldn't affect me like it normally did. I didn't continue staring at it, though. I didn't want to jinx it.
By the time Blake started waking up, I was hungry. I rarely felt hunger, but now I did. I was practically drooling and torturing myself by thinking about all the things I wanted to eat.
"Morning," Blake murmured with a smile, pulling me into a tight hug and letting out a content breath. "I could use yoga now," he added, and chuckled while stretching his marvelous body.
"You overdid yourself last night," I muttered back. "I didn't know human could bend that way."
He laughed, making me laugh as well.
"Neither did I," he smirked, pulling out my volume of Kama Sutra under his pillow and peered at the cover. "It sure is a fun book."
Blake hid the book in the nightstand and turned to look at me. "How long have you been up?"
I was about to answer him, but my stomach let out a demanding growl.
"Oh, I see," he chuckled and bounced off the bed. "Let's get you fed, shall we?"
After taking a shower and eating a big breakfast, we lounged on the couch, watching Blake's favorite cartoons. He had missed out on watching them growing up, so I never had the heart to suggest something else. But after a few hours, I was getting so energetic I was almost unable to stay still, and he noticed it.
"You look like you're ready to run a marathon," he chuckled, turning off the TV.
"I honestly feel like I could run a marathon," I replied.
"Lucky for you, I'm very good at running," he said, winking at me playfully. "Well, at least I used to be," he added, patting his stomach.
I could almost picture him running for his life with faceless gangsters on his tail... Or cops. Or dogs.
"Maybe one day we can run a marathon," I said, pushing the dreadful thoughts out of my head.
"Definitely," he replied.
I stared at him, his goofy grin and kind eyes. I knew why I was feeling so energetic. I wanted to leave my room again, and see the entire house, especially the first floor. Blake's parents were coming to visit us soon, and I wanted to be there when they walked through the front door. I wanted to stand right next to Blake when he could finally hug his own parents for the first time in two decades.
And in order to do so, I needed to be comfortable with my own home.
"Let's go downstairs," I suggested, barely able to contain my excitement.
"Okay," he smiled, like what I just asked was the most normal thing in our life, and it made me feel so good.
"Let's go get dressed," I smirked, and got up from the couch, pulling him with me.
As we were making our long way down to the second floor, we talked about what made that particular moment scary for me, and just being able to voice my fears made everything easier. That was one of the reasons why I was glad to have Blake here with me. Just to be able to talk to him and not have to deal with the scary things on my own was so unbelievably empowering. With his help, I could understand the fear and have the strength to do my best to ignore it instead of letting it consume me.
When we stopped at the top of the next staircase, and he held my hand tightly in his, I wasn't afraid. Well, just a little bit, but it wasn't going to stop me. I knew why I was scared: I couldn't control any of this. I didn't even know what the first floor looked like. And I was also afraid of how I would react... But I didn't have to control anything, no matter how hard my mind tried to convince me otherwise. I now had faith in myself. Nothing bad would happen. I wouldn't do anything bad.
I looked up at Blake with a smile.
"Let's do this," I whispered.
Obviously, it wasn't that easy, but I knew I could do it. There was no doubt in my mind. I couldn't wait to get down and see the rest of the house. Kitchen, living room, the places my family spend their time together... I wanted to be there so bad it hurt.
Every time I took another step down, I could see the first floor a little bit better. Every time, my excitement almost drowned me, but I fought as hard as I could to stay calm. Excitement, no matter how fantastic feeling it was, could easily push me out of balance, so I wanted to stay calm. I didn't quite succeed, but it was manageable. I mean, this was my home that I hadn't seen in years. How could I stay neutral in a situation like that?
This was the last step in my recovery that mattered, after all.
I didn't care if I was forever unable to leave the house, as long as I was able to be with my family. As long as I was able to walk around the house, sit down for dinner in the dining room or hang out in the living room. As long as walking down the stairs would be natural, as it should be.
That was all that really mattered to me.
And then, after an eternity, we stood at the bottom of the stairs, and I could see it all. My home.
"I'm here," I whispered, feeling dizzy all of a sudden.
Blake noticed it and wrapped me in his arms, and I quickly buried my head against his shoulder. I focused on my breathing and Blake's soothing words. I tried to forget where I was, but it was impossible. I was finally there, downstairs, on the first floor where I'd been only in my dreams. The only thing missing was my family.
I couldn't help the tears from escaping. I felt too weak to stand and too weak to carry on. My breathing grew shorter, and I was suddenly scared.
"I don't want to go back up," I sniffed, fearing this was the furthest I could go this time. I wanted to see everything.
"Let's just catch our breath, okay?" Blake suggested ever-so-gently, and I nodded.
It took a very long time before I could find my balance again. It took longer than ever before, but I refused to give up. My mind had found a weak spot and tried to use it against me, but I had a way to fight it: I told Blake. I spoke out loud every lie and unwanted thought my mind attacked me with, and he disarmed them one by one.
"Something bad is going to happen..."
"No. Nothing will happen. See? We've been here for a long time now, and absolutely nothing has happened. My love, you know that is a lie. You know nothing will happen. I won't let anything happen."
"I'll never be able to do this..."
"You will. You have already done so many things you thought were impossible. You hugged your mom in her study only two days ago! I bet you can't even count all the things you've already done because there's too many!"
"They're better off without me... I have ruined my family..."
"They love you. They love you. You made your mom so happy two days ago. She's smiling so bright because her baby boy is doing so much better. Your sisters can't wait to see you – they are constantly talking about all the things they want to show you when you get better. And your father hates my guts but still let me stay here because he didn't want to hurt you."
"I will black out and then I'll hurt them..."
That was the worst one. It was the worst because it was true. I had done that many times before. If I tried to come down here and join my family, I would freak out and become violent. I'd fight until they'd leave me alone for good.
"I won't let you," Blake said.
That was all he said, but the way he said it silenced my head. There was no way I could fight him. He'd be strong enough to hold me. He was at least twice the size of me! He'd wrap me in his tight hold and wouldn't let go until he had calmed me down...
I could breathe again. A short moment later, I was able to look up. A little bit later, my curiosity won, so I peered over his shoulder at the entrance hall around us.
"Now I understand why you thought we were rich," I muttered. "We have a beautiful home."
"It's gorgeous," he agreed. "Just like you."
Oh, he even managed to make me smile so soon... I hugged him tightly, resting my head on his shoulder to catch my breath. The excitement was returning, pushing the last of the unwanted thoughts out of the way.
Once I was ready, I looked up again.
Our home really was beautiful. I could tell Mom had tried her best to make the house look warm and welcoming with the little money we had. There were flowers and paintings and nice carpets, and I spotted countless decorations I had made over the years.
"When we moved in, there was hardly anything in here," I told Blake.
I remembered stepping into the house seven years ago and thinking it was a cold, dark place. Of course, most of our belongings hadn't arrived yet, and I never saw them being brought in. All I saw that day were glimpses of the kitchen and the living room, and then the staircase leading up to my room. My mother held my hand when she walked with me, hurrying to get me out of the way, into the safety of the third floor.
It had been the first and last time I saw this part of the house.
But now I was back, and I wasn't going to let the memories of the past to stop me.
After a short moment, I found my courage to leave the safety of Blake's arms. He took my hand in his and gave me a bright, encouraging smile. I felt stronger.
"I'm ready," I told him, feeling nervous, but curious at the same time.
Step by step, we went closer to the kitchen so I could see the entire room. I didn't dare to step in in case I'd get overwhelmed, so we stayed by the doorway in silence as I tried to see every single little detail at once. I was barely aware of how tightly I was holding Blake's hand, not until my own fingers started to hurt, and I loosened my grip.
"Sorry," I breathed out, my own voice almost spooking me after the long pause of silence.
"No worries," he smiled at me.
When I was finally eager to move on and see the living room, I was close to suffocating by the strong emotions I had. I had finally seen our kitchen. I now knew exactly how it looked like. It wasn't just a dream anymore, and that thought nearly messed me up by how absurd it was.
I was here. First floor. The last few rooms I hadn't seen yet. The last few rooms I had so desperately wanted to see.
I had to stop to take a break, and once again, Blake's strong arms and warm shoulder gave me exactly what I needed: comfort. We waited there in the middle of the entrance hall until I had regained my strength before continuing our way closer to the living room. Staying in balance was getting difficult, but I was determined to see at least a short glimpse of the living room before giving up – or having a panic attack.
I had to keep my head down as Blake led me closer to the entrance. I gave my everything to keep my breathing steady. I sure was bad at handling my strongest emotions, but I made it there, right next to the threshold.
"You are so strong, and brave, and amazing," Blake murmured in my ear when we stopped, and carefully wrapped his arms around me.
I closed my eyes and focused on him. I had no idea how long we stood there, side by side, him holding me gently. He gave me all the time in the world to calm down, and I didn't even try to hurry myself. Fighting my head while trying to survive the emotional turmoil I was in was far from easy, and since I really wanted to see the final room, I had to take it easy.
Blake did well distracting me by caressing my back and planting small kisses on my temple... His efforts silenced my doubts and eased my emotions, and suddenly, I was enjoying the moment. It was becoming less scary, and more... more fun. It wasn't just another step on my journey to recovery, it was an exciting moment I was sharing with Blake.
"I love you," I whispered.
"I love you too," he murmured back, hugging me a little bit tighter.
With his words echoing in my ears, giving me another surge of energy, I opened my eyes and looked up.
The living room was right in front of me. I could recognize our old couch and armchairs, but nothing else. The green curtains looked similar too, but there wasn't much else I remembered. Except for a few paintings and decorations I had made.
"That's a big living room," I noted, turning to look out the big windows. The garden looked amazing as well... But that was a task for another day.
"It sure is," Blake muttered. "And now you've seen it."
"Yes," I smiled, feeling calmer than I thought. "I've seen my home now."
That was the first step of the last step. I could almost see myself sitting on that couch and watching TV with the entire family, curled up right next to Blake. Even my messed up mind couldn't stop me from seeing that.
I only needed a little more time. I had already hugged my mom in her study, so it would be only a matter of days before I could sit here with them. Eat with them. Live with them. Only a few more weeks, and I wouldn't be an outcast in my own home anymore.
And there was nothing my mind could do to make me doubt that.
I turned to look at Blake, that wonderful gift the universe had given me. I smiled, got up on my toes and kissed him, feeling his arms going around me. I didn't hurry to break that kiss, and when I eventually did, I rested my head against his, and enjoyed the warm, happy feelings in my heart.
"I wouldn't be here without you," I whispered. "You are my strength and safe place. I'm so sorry you had to go through so many years of neglect and loneliness, but I am glad you found your way to me. I am happy you found me."
"I'd do it all over again just to find my way to you," he spoke softly. "If I had to go back in time, I'd choose this life in a heartbeat as long as you are waiting for me down the road."
My emotions had taken over while he spoke, but I didn't even try to stop the tears.
"I'd choose this life as well," I spoke, trying to keep my voice steady. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," he whispered, his eyes watering up as well just before he pulled me into a tight hug.
But there was no need to go back in time. Everything had happened for a reason, and I was finally ready to accept it. I was done wishing the accident never happened. Even though I still had a long way to go, I now had Blake by my side, so I knew I was going to be just fine.
I was ready to let go of the past and focus on the bright future.
My future with Blake.
This is it, one more chapter and epilogue to go
and this journey is complete <3 <3 <3