-Jordan-
The next morning, I woke up wrapped in Blake's arms as always. I could tell he was still asleep, so I tried not to disturb him while rolling around to see his face. A smile appeared on my lips when I watched him, the handsome man that was all mine. No matter what his name was, he belonged to me.
My smile faded little by little when the worry I felt for him took its place. I wanted to help him. I wanted to take away all his pain and fear and sorrow. I wanted to reassure him that everything would be all right. I wanted to be there for him, but I wasn't fully able to do that. I wanted to be. There was nothing more I wanted from this life than to be there for him in every situation he was facing, but I wasn't even able to leave the house...
There were still so many things I wasn't able to do... So many things... What if I...? What if this was as far as I could push myself? What if this was the best I could do?
What if...
What if...
"Good morning, babe," Blake suddenly purred, hugging me tightly.
I had hardly even noticed the panic rising its ugly head inside me. I hadn't seen my dark thoughts trying to take a hold of me. Not until I saw his bright smile, and the world seemed much warmer around me once again.
"Good morning," I smiled too, feeling a bit shaken of how fast my insecurities had almost swallowed me whole.
I didn't want to ruin the morning for him by telling him how I had just felt, but I figured it was something he'd definitely want to hear, so I eventually did tell him about it.
"Oh, baby," he murmured and pulled me into a tight hug. "Please wake me up when that happens, okay? I don't want you to suffer like that."
"I will," I promised, feeling already much better.
We stayed in bed for a while, just talking about what made me feel like the way I did. He was really good at making me believe this wasn't the end of my healing process. Far from it. By the time we got out of bed, I was smiling widely as I held his hand, leaving the bed a mess.
Just before we stepped out of the room, I took a glance at my nightstand, and the clear, rectangular pattern on top of it where my alarm clock used to be.
This wasn't the end. Of course, it wasn't! Silly me...
When I used the toilet, I couldn't stop staring at the bathtub. I actually used it! I had never used it before! It hadn't even been that scary, and I really wanted to use it again tonight. I always thought I wasn't missing out on anything by not using it, but it really had been nice to just lay in there with Blake. So... relaxing. I now understood why Mom loved it so much.
Soon, when we were eating breakfast, I was still thinking of Mom. I had an idea forming in my head, but I wasn't sure if it was too soon to even think about such things... I just... really wanted to do it...
I peered at Blake, and realized he had been pretty quiet for the entire morning, and I immediately forgot all about everything else. He looked troubled, which made me feel worried again.
"Are you all right?" I asked quietly, and he looked up at me like he was surprised to see me there.
"I'm good," he smiled, but it was lacking his usual cheeriness.
"You're worried," I murmured.
He looked like he was about to say no, but then he took a deep breath. "A little, but mostly I'm just nervous."
"To be honest, so am I, but I know that it will be all right. We're in this together," I smiled at him, reaching across the table to take his hand in mine.
"Yes," he said, squeezing my hand gently. "I suppose I'll need to go talk to your mom today."
I nodded slowly, the idea I had earlier popping up in my head again. I felt like I shouldn't bring it up now, not when he was trying to deal with his own things. I already decided against telling him, but he gave me a reason to reconsider.
"I don't know..." he breathed out, shaking his head. "I don't think I'm still ready to think about it..."
"Well..." I started carefully, instantly gaining his attention. "If you want something else to think about...?"
"I'm all ears," he said in curiosity.
"Well... I mean... There's this one thing I'd want to do..." I spoke hesitantly.
"Yes...?"
"I... Want to go see my mom... In her room," I said, feeling excited and nervous at the same time.
He stared at me for a moment. It was clear he hadn't expected that. "That really would give me something else to think about," he then chuckled.
"Do you think it's a stupid idea?" I asked carefully, and he immediately shook his head.
"Not at all, if you want to do that, then we should try it," he smiled.
I squinted my eyes at him in suspicion. "You always ask if I'm sure whatever I suggest these things."
"I have finally learned that when you say you want to do something, you are ready to do it," he explained. "Like last night. You wanted to have a bath, so you took a bath. I haven't even realized how demoralizing it can be to have someone constantly questioning your decisions."
"I haven't seen it that way," I told him reassuringly. "But I am happy, nonetheless."
He nodded and kissed the back of my hand. "So, we're doing it?"
"Yes," I smiled, the excitement taking over the nervousness. "I want to see her face when she steps into her study and we're there."
"She will definitely be surprised, and happy," Blake smirked. "And I already know there's going to be a lot of crying involved."
"Definitely," I chuckled.
*****
I tried not to think about going to see my mom too much. I feared it would drive into a panic and I wouldn't be able to leave my room after all. I gave most of my attention to Blake, who definitely needed it. I was not used to see him so nervous, and no matter how hard I tried, it affected me as well, but I didn't blame him at all. Anyone would be nervous in his shoes.
We had a lot of time to kill, but eventually, it was about time for us to start moving. Mom would be home in half an hour, so we had plenty of time to get down into her office, even if walking down the stairs would prove difficult for me.
Stepping out of the door was easier than ever, I only needed a small moment to recollect myself afterwards, and that gave me strength and courage. With Blake by my side, I stepped closer to the stairs, feeling more eager and excited than scared and nervous.
I couldn't see the look on Mom's face... I couldn't wait to be well enough to casually walk around the house and be with my family... I was so close! The life I had wished to have, but never thought I could have, was so incredibly close...!
And this morning I almost let my fears consume me... Of course this wasn't the end of my journey. I would definitely get out of the house and live a relatively normal life as long as I just kept going and refused to give my fears take control over me. All I had to do was to keep my head up and enjoy the small steps I was taking.
I mean, I could almost see my mom's office after getting a few steps down. A few steps later, I did see the doorway behind the railing. If I could get this far, there was nothing to stop me anymore. I was already out of my prison, the cage I had locked myself into all those years ago.
Once we were almost halfway, I had to stop to take a breather. I turned to look up and smiled at the steps I had already walked, and it had only taken me a few minutes.
Nothing bad was going to happen. The nag was still there, and I did feel a bit uncomfortable, but that was about it. I was so much better at controlling my mind and ignoring the intrusive thoughts that it felt almost odd to think they used to have a full control over me. Nothing bad would happen, at least not because I went to see my mother or didn't wake up exactly at 6:28.
I shivered when I thought about the schedule and quickly pushed it out of my mind.
"Let's continue," I told mostly to myself, squeezing Blake's hand in mine.
"Sure, babe," he smiled.
When we reached the bottom of the stairs, I took a deep, content breath. I wanted to laugh at how easy getting down had been. The staircase hardly scared me anymore, and I hoped that a few more times later, I would be able to walk them down like any other person would. My real battle was with my head, not the stairs, nor the rest of the house, and getting used to being outside my room was relatively easy. I was actually surprised at how easy it was, and it kind of scared me.
When I let Blake know how I felt standing there, he gave me an encouraging smile.
"It's because you're a strong person. You're much stronger than what you give yourself credit for."
"I get my strength from you," I whispered, lifting his hand on my lips.
His smile grew wider, and he placed his hand on my cheek, caressing my skin with his thumb, making me feel calm and happy. Staring at him in the eyes made me nearly forget what we were doing, but we still had plenty of time, so I chose to enjoy his attention instead of continuing our journey. I loved his eyes... The way he looked at me was always so gentle and warm and encouraging... That was where I got my strength from.
After getting a big enough dose of his love, I turned to face my mother's study and got excited again. I pulled Blake with me when I started making my way to it, focusing only on the good feelings and thoughts. Soon enough, we reached the door, and I stopped to look around to give myself time to adjust.
"I can't wait to see the look on her face..." I whispered, biting my lower lip nervously.
"She'll be so happy to see you down here," Blake agreed, and hugged me with one hand, his lips brushing my temple.
I wanted to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Sure, I was nervous, but not scared. I really was ready to do this, and I couldn't wait until Mom got home.
"Come," I whispered, and stepped in.
I walked to the desk, and after a short moment of hesitation, sat down behind it. I studied the papers and touched the mahogany surface carefully while Blake leaned against the corner, crossing his arms over his chest.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
While we waited for my mom, we talked a lot about how being there made me feel, and what exactly was making me nervous. It was so great to have someone who listened while I went through my emotions. Speaking my fears out loud made them look smaller and not as threatening as I thought they were. And of course, Blake was great at making my fears go away by giving me the reassurance I needed.
And when we heard my mom's car outside, I wasn't afraid. I could only feel excitement.
"Here she comes," I whispered shortly after, when I heard the front door being opened.
I stayed seated in the chair behind the desk, listening in to the noises Mom made downstairs. It almost sounded like she wasn't coming up anytime soon, but thankfully, I was wrong, and I could hear the bottom step let out a silent creak as she started climbing up.
I focused on my breathing. One, two, three breaths, and Mom appeared in the doorway, but she didn't see us. She was looking down, reading her mail, and I smirked when she took two full steps towards us without realizing we were there.
Then she looked up. For a split second, there was no expression on her face. It was like she couldn't understand we were there but then, her eyes shot wide open and she sharply brought her hand over her mouth.
"Oh my god," she whispered, and started crying on the spot.
"Hi, Mom," I said, feeling overwhelmed by my emotions as well, but not in a bad way.
"What are you doing here?" she asked with a teary but wide smile.
"I wanted to surprise you," I spoke as steadily as I could while trying to fight back my own tears.
"That you sure did," she sniffed, trying to wipe her face dry as she stared at me, but in vain. "You're here... How...?"
"I walked here," I joked, and peered up at Blake. He was watching me with that same gleam in his eyes I knew I had – a bunch of crybabies, all of us.
"I can't believe you're actually here," she spoke so quietly it was nearly a whisper. "Oh, I wish I could hug you right now..."
"Maybe soon?" I murmured, truly wishing the same.
"Are you...? How are you feeling?" she asked gently, taking a careful little step closer to me.
"I'm good," I managed to say, and after a short moment of gathering my strength, I stood up. "It wasn't that hard to come down here."
"And... Is this making you uncomfortable? Having me here?" she asked hesitantly.
"I would never be afraid of my own mother," I said sincerely.
She cried a bit harder for a moment. I really wanted to hug her... My need for her embrace was becoming impossible to bear. I was not afraid of her. I was completely fine being there with her.
So, I took a deep breath and stepped closer to her. Her eyes became wide again, and I could see the hope in her eyes...
There was nothing in this world that could stop me from hugging my own mother.
Not anymore.
"Oh, my baby boy," she whispered when I stepped in front of her and wrapped my arms around her. "My sweet baby boy..."
She was careful when she placed her arms around me, and I would've told her she didn't have to be careful, but I was already crying too hard. From happiness, relief, hope and all the other good emotions a human could possibly have.
I could hear Blake sniffing hard behind me, and I smiled against Mom's shoulder. He was my strength. He had given me this, the ability to hug my mom. To come down here. To ignore my clocks and the stupid schedule.
"Come here, angel," Mom muttered behind her tears, and I could feel her other hand leave my back. It was replaced by Blake's when he came to us and wrapped me and Mom into a bearhug. I wiggled my own arm free so I could hug him back.
"My sweet, brave, gorgeous boys..." Mom whispered, caressing my hair. "I love you both so much..."
"I love you too, Mom," I whispered against her tear-soaked shoulder.
"I love you guys too," Blake murmured, making me smile even wider.
At that moment, I was truly happy with my life for the first time in seventeen long years.