#TCS70: Twisted Hidden Suffering
Miracle Silhouette's POV
"Silhouette, the Crown Sinner."
The moment those words came out of my mouth, they all almost fell on the floor while holding their breaths and looking so terrified of me. I felt a gripping pain in my chest because of their reaction.
Looking at Hope who was currently breaking down, and weeping loudly, made it heavier and more tensed. She was shouting as if the nightmare that she had been denying all her life, suddenly pulled her in the abyss. Making her witness the concealed memory that she had been keeping.
That was why she was always sorry to me... because she shot me, and she thought that because of what she did, I turned into a monster. She thought she created the monster inside me. Her betrayal... runs deep in her mind, that the scenes after that betrayal became blurry in her head.
But she was wrong. I didn't become an evil because of her shot, it was because of the Marquis Empress. The way she kept whispering Silhouette, and her voice of command with threats and danger. It was the one that pushed me to the limit.
I could still vividly recall everything that happened in that night. How could I forget that? The name that I loved the most—because it was my Momo's and her twin's name combination—became something that I despised the most.
That name caged me, and became the start of the sufferings that we experienced.
Nanatili akong nakatingin sa umiiyak at naghihingalong si Hope, habang yakap-yakap s'ya ni Theon habang pinapatahan. Ni hindi makalapit sa kanila ang lahat, dahil sa tindi ng tensyon. Lahat sila mukhang hindi humihinga at tinakasan ng kaluluwa.
"Silhoue..." I turned my head to see the voice that calmed everything in me. He slowly showed me his hand, and when I reached it, he enclosed me into a hug.
Pakiramdam ko nang magkakataong 'yun... pwedeng-pwede akong maging mahina sa bisig n'ya. Na pwede kong kalimutan lahat ng sakit at pait na dinala ko simula pagkabata. I hugged him tightly, and I felt his hand caressing my head.
"I love you... because you are Silhouette..." he whispered tenderly, and a tear fell from one of my eyes. I gulped because I could feel my heart aching so bad.
"Ate?" Humarap ako nang marinig ko ang boses ni Justice na tinawag ako. Hindi ako pinakawalan ni Akakios sa bisig n'ya kahit nakaharap ako kay Justice. He also wiped the tear from my cheeks. I heaved a sigh.
"I'm sorry..." My lips trembled.
I was also afraid to see how they would see me from now on... but I didn't want to start training them, and being with them, with this cloaked truth. Gusto ko wala kaming lihim sa isa't isa, dahil malalim ang pinagmulan ng trauma namin ni Hope.
"Ate... was that the reason for everything back then?" Lumapit si Rebel sa akin habang nagtatanong. Kita ko ang pagtutubig sa mga mata n'ya. He looked up, and tried to reach for my hand.
Akakios removed me from his embrace. Hinayaan n'ya akong makalapit kay Rebel. Kitang-kita ko kung paano nagpipigil ng iyak si Rebel sa narinig mula sa akin, sa kwentong hindi nila alam, dahil ang alam lang nila, nakuha kaming dalawa no'n, at pinahirapan.
"Ate's sorry for everything, Rebel..." Nagsimulang magpatakan ang mga luha ni Rebel, at kakaibang sakit sa puso ang naramdaman ko. Para akong nawalan ng hininga dahil sa matinding hapdi mula ro'n.
"No... I'm sorry... Ate..." Halos mawalan na s'ya ng boses, at saka ako mabilis na hinila para ikulong sa yakap n'ya. I rested my head on his shoulder, and I held the edge of his shirt. I was gripping it hard, as I heard his sob.
"I'm so sorry... Ate," he kept repeating with a broken heart.
Nakita ko si Justice na halos nanghihinang lumapit sa akin habang umiiyak. He looked so hurt, and mortified. He looked like he was about to kneel down because of what he heard from me. Parang hindi ako kaya lapitan, dahil baka masaktan n'ya ako.
"H-Hindi namin alam, Ate... Hindi namin alam..." halos magmakaawa s'ya habang papalapit sa akin, habang lumuluha. I slowly reached my hand to him, although, Rebel wouldn't let me go from the hug.
Justice went to us with a really heartbreaking expression as he slowly hugged me with Rebel. Paulit-ulit s'yang nagso-sorry at nakikita ko 'yong matinding pagsisisi at hinanakit sa mga mata n'ya. Parang sinisisi ang sarili.
"It's not your fault..." I whispered to the two of them. Mas lalo lang yata silang umiyak dahil do'n. All the hurtful and heart wrenching memories when we were young came flashing inside my head, kung hindi nila ako yakap paniguradong nasa sahig na ako ngayon.
I saw Law avoided my gaze. I smiled at him with sparkling eyes because of the tears pooling in. Harper slowly held his hand, as if gesturing him to join us, and he looked at Harper with so much emotion—but the profoundest one would be pain.
He slowly walked towards us, as if every step were filled with thorns and blades. Ang hirap makitang nanghihina at hirap na hirap si Law. He was always confident, and tough... pero ngayon, halos lumuhod na s'ya sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman n'ya.
He covered his eyes with his arms, because of my gaze at him. I could see that he was really trying his best not to show me his tears, but he couldn't help it. He slowly went near me with tears cascading his cheeks.
"Ate... kasalanan ko... Ate... s-sorry..." Para akong sinaksak nang sobrang talas na patalim sa puso ko sa sinabi n'ya. Lalong-lalo na no'ng lumapit s'ya sa amin at ikulong kami sa yakap n'ya.
Dire-diretso ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko dahil sa kanilang tatlo. Hindi naman sila dapat mag-sorry, eh. I was the one who was supposed to apologize for everything. I was the one who owe them an apology.
"I'm sorry... Ate's sorry..." Ako naman kasi 'yong dahilan kung bakit hirap na hirap sila. Kung bakit kinailangan naming lumayo at magtago. At kung bakit lumaki silang nasasaktan at may mga sugat sa puso.
I didn't know how long I was hugging the triplets. Then I saw Gabby, silently shedding tears for us. I smiled at her. She was probably the one... I owe the deepest applogy. I made everything so hard, and hell for her.
Humiwalay ang triplet sa sakin, at patuloy pa rin sila sa pag-iyak, at hinayaan nila si Gabby na lumapit sa akin. I saw how Gabby hesitated, but I opened my arms to her, and she ran to hug me, while bawling like a child that she was.
"I love you... Gabby..." I whispered, and she was choking on her tears. Ni hindi makapagsalita at niyakap lang ako nang sobrang higpit. Hindi alam ang sasabihin, hindi alam ang mararamdaman.
"I'm sorry, Gabby. Ate's sorry for everything..." Halos mawalan ako ng boses sa pagsasabi ng bagay na 'yon. Isa na yata 'yon sa pinakamasakit na paghingi ko nang tawad. It was so long overdue... it was so late.
"I d-don't blame you... Ate... because I love you..."
Sa mga salitang 'yon. Sa mga salitang 'yon ako halos mapaupo sa sahig, habang umiiyak nang malakas. Halos mawalan ako ng boses, at ng hininga nang marinig ko 'yon. Halos habulin ko na ang hininga ko sa matinding hinagpis.
"Gabby... I don't deserve it..." Halos ibulong ko 'yun sa hangin, at napaupo sa sahig sa sobrang pag-iyak. I felt an arm wrapped around me. Hindi ko man lingunin alam kong si Akakios 'yon. I embraced his arms.
I hugged him tightly while breaking down... si Gabby kasi talaga 'yong kahinaan ko sa lahat.
Gabby slowly lowered herself, and looked at me with a smile while the silent crystalline liquid was flowing beautifully on her cheeks. She looked so... solemn, and glowing at the same time. Her radiance was so powerful, that it felt like it was slowly healing my damaged heart.
Gabby reached for my cheeks to wipe my tears. Kahit walang sinabi, pakiramdam ko lahat ng takot, galit, sakit, poot, at pagsisisi sa puso ko, marahan n'yang tinatanggal do'n. Pakiramdam ko ginagamot n'ya ako.
I hugged Akakios's arms tighter while shedding more tears. Naghahabol na ako nang hininga at ramdam ko na rin ang pag-aalala ni Akakios.
Pinalibutan lang ako ng mga kapatid ko para patahanin at hindi magwala sa dahil sa bigat nang lahat ng dinadala kong sakit. It was like suddenly... everything was weighing down upon me... making it hard to stand up on my own feet.
Law, Justice, Rebel and Gabby kept repeating sorry, and that they love me, no matter what happened in the past. Akakios was making me feel calm, and loved with his presence and embrace.
Sa tinagal-tagal ko sa loob ng dilim... marahan akong nakakita ng liwanag dahil sa kanila.
I didn't know how long I was crying endlessly with them. But I saw Hope also on the floor, mutely lamenting inside Theon's and Biblee's arms with the pasaways around them, also crying... bigla akong napalunok.
Hope looked so lost, hurt, and terrified all at the same time. Ang hirap n'yang tingnan sa totoo lang. She looked like she lost everything she was clinging onto... like her world collapsed in one snap.
It was so hard for me to look at her because of the sin I committed to her. Hindi ko nga alam kung matatanggap pa rin nila ako. Kung mabubuo pa rin ba kami matapos nito. Pero kailangan kong sumugal. Kailangan ko ng tiwala nilang lahat.
"Miracle... bakit ang sakit-sakit?" Hope's voice broke, while trying to look at me.
She slowly looked at me with tears still shedding, halos gusto n'yang tawirin ang space sa pag-itan namin para lang makalapit sa akin. Hinayaan s'ya ni Theon. She almost crawled to me, because she wasn't able to stand up.
"Bakit ganito k-kasakit?" she repeated with a cracking tone.
I lowered my gaze. "I'm sorry..." I closed my eyes as tears cascaded continuously.
"I don't deserve any of your apologies, and I don't think I could deserve forgiveness..." Halos pumiyok ako sa sinasabi. Nanatili si Akakios na nakayakap sa akin. Pakiramdam ko umiiyak na rin 'to dahil ayaw na ayaw n'ya akong nakikitang nasasaktan.
"Miracle..." Hope tried to touch me, when she was in front of me. Nakaupo kami parehas sa sahig. Tinanggal ko ang korona sa ulo ko at inilagay sa sahig. She was looking at it. Afraid of the crown, but when she looked at me...
Muntik na naman akong mag-break down. Her eyes on me... it was nothing but hurt, yet soft.
"K-Kasalanan ko pa rin..." Hope stuttered. "I pushed you to the limit... because I shot you..." I shook my head repeatedly because it wasn't her fault. It wasn't hers. She didn't need to claim what wasn't hers.
"No..." umiiling na sambit ko. Napatungo, at kinagat ang ibabang labi.
Nang inaangat ko ang ulo ko, nakita ko ang mga pasaway. They all slowly went to us. Umupo sila sa sahig, malapit sa akin. Akala ko... Akala ko... tititigan nila ako ng takot, at hinding-hindi ako magagawang harapin muli sa isiniwalat ko... pero... nandito sila.
Hinabol ko ang hininga ko dahil sa mga tingin nila. Tingin ng pag-aalala, pag-iintidi, at pagmamahal. I broke down, and held my chest. Hindi ko deserve... sobrang hindi ko deserve lahat nang 'yon.
"I'm sorry..." Hindi ko na talaga alam ang sasabihin ko. Gusto ko lang humingi ng tawad.
"You are also hurt... why are you sorry?" Mas lalong lumakas ang iyak ko nang marinig kong sinabi 'yon ni Pierce.
"Why would you blame yourself when you are also a victim?" Napahawak ako nang mas mahigpit kay Akakios sa sinabi ni Thorn. The Sy siblings looked at me and smiled sincerely, their eyes watering because of pain, and heaviness.
"You are scarred, you bleed, and you have been carrying all those burdens all alone, Ate... why are you sorry? It's us... who are sorry..." I bit my lower lips when I heard Harper's shaking voice.
I saw her tried to blink and looked up to prevent her tears, but it wasn't effective at all. Kitang-kita ko rin 'yong matinding epekto sa kanya nang lahat.
"Sorry... Ate... because we are not with you in that path you took alone... But from now on... we will all be with you..." Honoka smiled at me sincerely, with her diamond tears streaming down her face.
"You can always share all the burden with us, we'll try to make it bearable... you are our Ate." Art beamed at me, while trying to wipe her tears.
Pinipiga ang puso ko sa magkahalong sakit, at matinding pagpapasalamat sa naririnig ko sa kanila. Sobrang bigat lang sa puso nang lahat, pero dahil sa kanila, pakiramdam ko nawawala 'yong bigat no'n.
"Hindi mo kasalanan, Miracle... patawad sa lahat..." Theon told me, while holding Hope's hand.
"Walang may kasalanan sa inyo ni Ate Hopie... Ate Miracle..." Biblee tried to catch her breath while she was crying. "Sana makawala na kayo... sa nakaraan kung saan parehas kayong nasaktan at pinarusahan sa kasalanang hindi dapat sa inyo..."
Hope cried more with her sister's words. Napapikit naman ako nang mariin dahil sa tindi ng emosyon na sumuntok sa puso ko at sa matinding sakit na patuloy kong nararamdaman.
"Salamat... kasi bumalik ka pa rin sa amin... Miracle... kahit kailangan mong kaharapin 'yong sakit na dala ng lahat..." Cleon told me with eyes so genuine, and worried. I nodded at him, and his tears slowly dropped one by one.
"We are all going to be together from now on..." Akira smiled warmly, and everyone nodded with his gentle and true words.
Napalingon din ako kay Katniss, Sloane, at Caerus. Nasa isang tabi lang silang lahat, pero kita ko 'yong sakit sa mga mata nila, at marahang pagluha. Napalingon ako kay Isolde, she was watching us with worry in her eyes, but she walked out of the room slowly, to give us some time.
"Salamat..." halos ibulong ko 'yon sa hangin, at nagmamakaawang makarating 'yon sa puso nilang lahat.
Tahimik kaming umiyak lahat. Hindi nagsasalita, pero marahang ipinaparamdam sa bawat isa na walang iwanan. Nanatili kami ro'n, nakaupo lang may hinanakit, pero mas lamang pa rin 'yong pang-unawa.
Nang mas kumalma kaming lahat, nagbuntonghininga ako. Napatingin sila lahat sa akin.
"You must be curious why it led to that..." I whispered, and they all avoided my gaze. Curious man, they would still respect whatever decision I would make... I smiled at them, because I wanted to tell them why.
"It started that night..." I started, Hope held my hand, and I caressed it. Hindi kami makatingin sa isa't isa pero, sapat na 'yon. Kahit 'yong hawak lang. Makakayanan namin ulit bumalik sa alaalang 'yon.
"Tanda n'yo? Nag-sleep over tayo lahat sa bahay?" I smiled, remembering how inseparable we were in our childhood. Nagkakaaway-away man kami dahil mga bata, sa huli, sa iisang bahay pa rin kami tutulog dahil gusto naming kasama ang isa't isa.
"Some of you were upstairs, and some on the living room." Tumango sila at inalala ang gabing 'yon.
Kami nina Theon, Cleon, at Hope ang natulog sa living room no'n. Kasama namin si Momo no'n at si Dada nasa taas. Lahat kami pagod kaya nakatulog kaagad. Pero... ang hindi namin alam, delubyo pala ang dala nang gabing 'yon.
Hope and I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. Ako nauuhaw, si Hope, gustong umuwi kina Tito Tim, dahil gustong makasama ang Nanay n'ya. Ginising ko pa si Momo no'n, dahil ayaw kong umiiyak si Hope.
It was normal for us... if someone wanted to go to their own house. Lalakad lang naman kami o tatawid, eh. Gano'n lang. Madali lang... kaso nang gabing 'yon hindi naging madali ang lahat. Momo, Hope, and I, went out of the house.
Ihahatid lang sana si Hope... pero bigla na lang sa isang iglap... may mga masasamang tao ang pilit kaming kinuha kay Momo. I hardly remember what happened, but Momo was struggling to fight them off, because she couldn't see me, and I was with the enemies.
Hope was also a hostage in that situation. Momo was breaking down. Hindi alam ang gagawin nang magsolo. Pero ang alam ko, todo ang pagproprotekta ni Momo sa tiyan n'ya no'n. Kita ko 'yong takot sa mga mata n'ya no'n kapag umiiwas s'ya sa mga atake sa tiyan n'ya.
I couldn't understand it back then... why my Momo—the strongest person I know—looked helpless. But... I realized, that it wasn't just Hope, and I that she was protecting...
She was protecting our Gabby with all her might, too.
The enemies were too strong for her alone, and we were taken away from her. Hope and I were sedated. Hindi ko alam kung paano kami tuluyang nakuha, hindi ko alam kung saan kami dinala. Basta nang magising nando'n kami sa lugar na mukhang kastilyo.
Nakatali kami parehas ni Hope no'n sa upuan. Magkatapatan... parehas umiiyak, parehas humihingi ng tulong at parehas takot na takot.
There was a throne in the middle of the place. It was the throne of the Marquis Empress. She would seat there. She would torture us; she would tell us terrifying stories.
Akala namin ni Hope no'n nakuha rin ang mga kapatid namin at nasa taas sila. Kaya naman kailangan namin sundin ang babaeng Marquis para hindi magising ang mga kapatid namin sa itaas, at hindi sila ang malagay sa kinalalagyan namin noon.
The torture was different. They wouldn't really touch us. But they would make us cry everytime with the situation.
They would show us... dead people. They would tell us about the Empire, and on how they would control it, because they have Hope and I.
Sa mura kong isip, hindi ko gano'ng maintindihan ang lahat. Pero ang klaro sa akin. Gusto ng Marquis Empress ang Empire na mapasakamay nila, at kung hindi mangyayari 'yon, kami ni Hope ang kabayaran.
A day passed and we were slowly believing all the things that they were saying to us.
Silhouette. Silhouette. Silhouette.
Palaging bulong ng babaeng nasa trono. Inuutusan akong pumatay ng mga taong ihaharap n'ya sa akin... dahil kung hindi si Hope ang papatayin nila. Habang tulog si Hope... habang wala s'yang muwang at malay...
Pinapakawalan ako ng Marquis Empress... at do'n n'ya ako tinuturuan kung paano patayin ang mga nagmamakaawang tao na nakaluhod sa harap ko.
"Kill them... their suffering will stop... you are doing the right thing... Silhouette..."
And she would hold my hand with a knife, as she would slowly point out the vital spots that would kills those men who were bloody kneeling in front of me. I would protest and shake my head, I would disobey, but she would smile at me.
Ipapakita pa n'ya sa akin ang dapat kong gawin. Iiyak ako, pero tatawanan lang n'ya ako sa napakademonyong paraan. Na para bang kada patak ng luha ko ay kasiyahan sa kanya. Na hindi s'ya makapaniwala na mahina ako.
"You are the great granddaughter of Andrada of the Domain... you should be merciless... like on how your great grandmother... killed my father..."
"Show me that Andrada's blood run in your veins, Silhouette."
"Kill before getting killed, Silhouette..."
I would cry, and I would shake my head at her. Mali kasi 'yon... ipagtatanggol mo ang sarili mo, pero hindi ka dapat tatapak ng ibang tao. Mali 'yon. Hindi magandang bagay 'yon. 'Yon ang sabi ni Momo at Dada sa akin.
But the Marquis was nothing but vengeful. Dahil sa pagpatay ng Lola namin sa angkan ng magulang n'ya, s'ya mismo ang pumunta para pahirapan ang pamilya namin, nang malaman nitong namuhay ng masaya ang Lola Andrada sa piling ni Lolo Leonard.
It made her angrier that Lola Andrada even became part of the powerful Empire, while she suffered the loss of her clan, because of my lola.
Kapag hindi ako sumusunod sa utos n'yang patayin ang mga dugaang taong dinadala ng tauhan n'ya, ako ang sasaktan n'ya. She would slap me, she would yank my hair, she would punch me, and sometimes she would whip, cut, or slash me on the back.
It was okay...
I was okay with getting all of her punishments, as long as she won't touch Hope.
Kahit papaano nakakaya kong maging matatag dahil do'n. I thought I could be invisible, and somehow find a plan on how to escape, but I was wrong... the Marquis had been keeping an eye on me, and my invisible self was useless because she could see me... with her eyes.
Her eyes that was nothing but vengeful and dark.
Kapag nakakatulog si Hope mula sa ituturok sa kanya. 'Yon ang hudyat ng Marquis Empress para lumapit sa akin.
"Silhouette... I have something for you..." And she would whisper and laugh, as a bloody person begging for his life would show up in front of us. Palaging papaluhurin ang mga 'yon sa harap ko matapos dalhin ng mga tauhan ng Marquis.
Hindi ko maintindihan madalas ang lengguahe nila, pero minsan, naiintindihan ko. Lahat 'yon iyak ng pagmamakaawa. Iyak para h'wag silang malagutan ng buhay. Pero sa dulo... palaging mawawala ang iyak nila.
Dahil sa putok ng baril na puputol sa buhay nila. Minsan dahil naiingayan ang Marquis sa kanila, pero madalas, dahil hindi ko sinusunod ang gusto nito.
My small body, would always shake, and my cries would always echo. A person would drop bloodily in front of me. I watched countless of people... died mercilessly... while looking in my eyes. And the words... that would always reach my ears, and survive in my heart would be their heart wrenching plead of save me.
"Tulong! Tulong! H'wag mo akong papatayin!"
"Parang awa mo na... gusto ko pang mabuhay..."
"Pakawalan n'yo ako... parang awa n'yo na..."
Those words would always haunt me, even when I close my eyes, and tried to turn a blind eye. Those voices would always haunt me... because I couldn't help them, and they died because I couldn't save them...
"Silhouette..." The whisper of that name would make me shiver in my seat, because the Marquiss Empress would say it near my ear, and with a mocking tone.
"Are you enjoying that you could not save them, Silhouette?" she would ask, and I would beg her for mercy.
"You should help them... use this..." Ibinigay n'ya sa akin ang isang patalim. Ituturo ang bandang puso ng mga nagmamakaawa sa akin. "Doing this... burying this blade in them... would save them, Silhouette..."
Alam ko mali, alam ko kasinungalingan ang bagay na 'yon, kaya iiyak ako, magmamakaawa, at itatapon ang bagay na 'yon. Pero isang sigaw na galit at palaging aalingawngaw sa buong lugar kapag ginagawa ko 'yon. Kasunod ang malakas at malademonyong tawa.
After that she would go near me... and I would always feel so frightened as her breath touched my ears with whispers of evils.
"Silhouette... kill them..."
"Silhouette... help them... bury this blade in their hearts..."
"Silhouette... hear them plead. Hear them beg for more mercy then shot them dead..."
Para akong mababaliw sa paglipas ng oras na naririnig ko ang pangalan na 'yon at mga utos sa pangalan na 'yon. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nakayanan ang lahat, hindi ko alam kung paano ko nalampasan ang lahat... ang alam ko lang...
Lahat ng sakit, lahat ng hirap, lahat ng takot... maglalaho kapag makikita ko si Hope.
Si Hope na nakangiti sa akin, kapag gigising s'ya.
Si Hope na sasabihing magiging okay rin ang lahat, dahil hinahanap kami nina Momo.
Si Hope na tatanungin kung okay lang ba ako.
Si Hope na kakanta ng isang mahinang musika, para makatulog ako at hindi bangungutin sa mga nasasaksihan ko kapag tulog s'ya.
Si Hope... Si Hope... na naniniwalang makakaalis kami nang ligtas.
"Let's go home... safely... Silhouette?" Hope would tell me with a smile so warm.
I would nod at her repeatedly, trying so hard not to cry, trying so hard to stay strong.
"Yeah... Let's go home... safely... Hope..."
Mabagal ang lipas ng oras sa lugar na 'yon. Pero alam ko na halos higit dalawang araw na rin kaming nando'n.
Lagi kong nakikita si Hope sa tapat ng upuan ko, umiiyak man minsan, at takot na takot, nanatiling umaasa na makakaalis kami, at pinapalakas ang loob ko.
Minsan ang hiling ko na lang... h'wag s'yang makakatulog kapag tinuturukan s'ya... dahil do'n nagsisimula ang paghihirap ko.
Ni hindi ko na nga rin alam kung umaga, tanghali o gabi, dahil palaging madilim, sa lugar namin. Kung may liwanag man, halos liwanag lang na nagmumula sa mga kulay kahel na ilaw malapit sa amin.
The throne would always shine bright with the Marquis Empress sitting on it. She would also watch us and enjoy our suffering.
Hanggang sa isang beses na makatulog si Hope, bigla akong nilapitan ng Marquis, akala ko may pilit na naman s'yang ipapapatay sa akin, pero hindi pala... ipinakita n'ya ang litrato ng mga kapatid ko... ang litrato ng triplets.
"They would be the ones suffering now... Silhouette..." She would smile at me wickedly.
"No! No! No!" iyak ko sa kanya, habang pilit na magwawala sa upuan kung saan nakatali ang mga kamay at paa ko ng chains. Pati katawan ko may tali. Tanging iyak nang pagmamakaawa lang ang magagawa ko parati.
May dinalang bata ang isang tauhan ng Marquis. The kid was bawling. He was dirty, and his clothes were bathed in blood. Ang ngawa n'ya ang pumupuno sa ingay ng buong lugar. Samantalang sa kabilang dako ay ang pagtawa ng Empress.
"Murder him... Silhouette... if you want to save your siblings..."
Para akong papatayin sa sobrang sakit nang marinig ko 'yon. "You have a choice... Silhouette. I'm kind right, Silhouette? Unlike Andrada who killed my clan, children or not... just because I was the chosen Empress of the Marquis..."
Tumawa 'to sa malakas na pag-iyak namin nang batang nasa harapan ko. Nagmamakaawa ang bata, halos ipagkiskisan ang mga nakatali n'yang kamay at halos lumuhod sa sahig sa akin para huwag ko s'yang patayin.
"But... I was still glad that I became the Empress of the Marquis... power, influence, richness, the whole country... in your hands... ah... what a grace..." Then she would laugh like it was the best thing she received.
"But the cries of my family, and the kids... in our clan... catching all the bullets and the slash that was meant for me... because of Andrada... It's an eye for an eye, Silhouette..."
She would remind me with a gaze and evil eyes that would always make me tremble in fear.
"Silhouette..." She walked near me, whispering my name in my ears. Until, I could feel nothing but fear.
"Kill him... kill him... kill him... Silhouette..."
Hindi ko kaya... bata rin s'ya kagaya ko... pero paano ang mga kapatid ko? Nandito rin ba sila? Nakuha ba sila mula kina Dada? Paano kung bigla rin silang kunin kagaya namin ni Hope? Paano kung...
"Silhouette... your time's ticking... choose..."
I closed my eyes while shaking and bawling. But because I couldn't make a choice. Ipinakita sa akin ng Empress Marquis kung paano n'ya sinaksak ang bata sa harapan ko nang ilang ulit. Ang dugo no'n ay patuloy na tumalsik sa mukha at katawan ko.
Natigil ako sa pag-iyak nang pagkakataong 'yon. Nanginginig sa takot. Hanggang sa mawalan ng malay.
Pero kahit sa panaginip... kakaibang takot pa rin ang nararamdaman ko. Dahil... sa panaginip... makikita ko lahat ng mga nagmaakaawa sa akin. Lahat ng humingi ng tulong. Lahat ng pinatay ng Marquis, dahil hindi ako sumusunod sa kanya.
I even saw my siblings... in the nightmare... asking for help. Getting murdered in front of me... who was tied helplessly.
Gusto ko na lang mamatay. Gusto ko na lang matapos 'yong lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko. Gutso ko na lang... mawala. Dahil hindi ako makatulong, 'tapos dahil din sa akin, mas nagiging madugo ang lugar na 'to.
Nang magkamalay ulit ako no'n, tatlong bata ang nasa harapan ko. Lahat sila lalaki...
Nababaliw na yata ako... kasi ang batang nasa harap ko... parang sina Law, Rebel at Justice. They were begging for me to save them.
The clothes. The height. The hair. Replika ng triplets 'yon. 'Yong pinakamamahal kong mga kapatid.
Sobrang hapdi sa puso. Sobrang sakit sa lalamunan at pulsuhan. Ang mga luha sa mga mata ko, parang hinihiwa no'n ang pisngi ko.
"Silhouette... you are awake..." exclaimed the Empress. And she removed the chain on my body. She handed me the black and golden knife.
"Kill them... it's the right thing to do, Silhouette. You'll end their suffering, and your siblings will be safe... Silhouette..."
I shook my head while howling. It was unbearable. It was too much for me. Parang gusto ko na lang isaksak sa sarili ko 'yong blade. Matatapos lahat 'to kapag ginawa ko 'yon hindi ba?
"Tulong... parang awa mo na... h'wag mo kaming patayin..." pagmamakaawa ng batang tila nagiging si Justice sa paningin ko.
"Gusto ko pang... makapag-aral... parang awa mo na... iligtas mo kami..." The one who seemed like Rebel in my eyes besseched.
"Ako na lang... ang putulan mo ng buhay, h'wag ang mga kapatid ko... parang awa mo na..." Mas biniak ang puso ko nang marinig ko 'yon mula sa batang lalaki na nakatingin sa akin na umiiyak, he looked like Law. And I was sure Law would really say those words.
With tears streaming down my face... and with my blurry vision. I saw the triplets in them. Begging, crying, hurting because they wanted to be free from this hell.
"Silhouette..."
"Silhouette..."
"Silhouette..."
The three kids cried my name, in hopes of being saved.
Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Kaya hinawakan ko nang mahigpit ang kutsilyo. Bago pa mabawi ng Empress Marquiss sa akin ang bagay na 'yon... kaagad ko 'yong ginamit. Ginamit ko 'yon hindi para patayin ang tatlo sa harap ko.
Kung hindi para itarak sa sarili ko, dahil gusto ko na lang matapos ang lahat, ito rin naman ang gusto ng Empress hindi ba? Ang makapaghiganti sa ginawa ng Lola namin...
Buhay... kapalit ng buhay na kinuha noon. Buhay ko kapalit ng buhay ng mga pinatay noon.
"Silhouette!" I heard the Empress. I bled, and I smiled at those kids in front of me.
I thought, I did the right thing... little did I know... I only made it more chaotic and painful.
Dahil halos mawalan ako ng buhay sa sariling ginawa, pinatay ang tatlong batang 'yon bago ako tuluyang mawalan ng malay.
They were shot on the head. One by one. The loud echo of the gun, rang inside my ears—as if telling me that it was the sound of death.
I cried helplessly, begged for the nightmare to end.
Mas masakit pa yata 'yong pagkakakita kong mamatay 'yong triplets... 'yong akala kong mga kapatid ko... sa harap ko, kaysa 'yong pagkakasaksak ko sa sarili.
The shot was so loud... and I saw Hope.
Si Hope... gising... si Hope, nakita n'ya at narinig ang bagay na 'yon...
Iyon ang unang beses na nakita n'ya ang karumaldumal na nangyayari kapag tulog s'ya. I was unconscious for hours, and Hope was the one who suffered because of me.
She witnessed deaths, but the Empress never asked her to do anything. Ang alam ko sinaktan si Hope, at palaging tinututukan ng baril. Tinuruan s'ya sa baril, pero hindi para ipapatay ang mga dinadalang tao para ipakita sa kanya... ang kamatayan nila sa kamay ng Marquis.
Tinuturuan s'ya... dahil 'yon ang kailangan n'yang matutunan at malaman pagkat gagamitin ni si Hope laban sa akin.
Isang leksyon. Isang matinding leksyon para hindi ko na gawin ang ginawa kong pagtatangka sa sariling buhay.
When I opened my eyes, they were torturing Hope. She was bleeding, she had bruises, and scathe on her body. She was bawling her eyes out. Sobrang hirap makitang gano'n s'ya, sobrang nakakapanghina.
Do'n nagsimula ang mas pagpapahirap sa amin. Kapag hindi ko susundin ang Empress, sa gusto nitong gawin ko... si Hope ang papahirapan, at sasaktan nila.
They brought a bloody and half-dead man in front of me. He was dressed like Dada. I was begging and crying. "Please... stop... please... help..." I managed to say while sobs escape my mouth. Hope was also howling loudly.
Takot na takot si Hope nakikitang lalaking nakaluhod at halos wala nang malay sa harap namin. His head was bleeding, and his body was full of blood.
"Silhoue! Silhoue! Help me! The man! He's... bloody!" Hope would cry and I would shake in terror.
"Silhouette..." bulong ng Empress sa tainga ko. She would laugh because of my reaction, and on how I would wince in pain because of the damage I caused to myself.
The name Silhouette was slowly becoming something... I would never want to hear anymore...
"Please... save my family... Silhouette..." the bloody man looked at me in the eyes, and adjured. "Please... don't kill them..."
"Stop his suffering, Silhouette, if not... Amythee would... suffer..." the Empress trailed in my ears.
"Nooo! Please... I'm begging... please... no!" I cried endlessly. Halos magwala ako sa kinauupuan pero tanging tawa lang ng Empress ang naririnig ko. Tuwang-tuwa 'to sa hirap na pinagdadaanan ko.
My heart was aching so bad. Hindi na ako makahinga sa sobrang pag-iyak. Lalo na no'ng pilitin ng Empress na hawakan ang kamay ko. She was the one who guided my hand... as I tried to break of the grasp.
Only to result... with Hope... being hit by a gun on her head.
Hindi ko na nagawang manlaban nang pagkakataong 'yon. My hand... hawak-hawak s'ya ng Empress... habang marahang bumabaon ang talas ng kutsilyo sa dibdib ng lalaking nasa harapan ko.
Sumuka ito ng dugo, at halos tumalsik 'yon sa mukha at dibdib ko. I cried, and closed my eyes.
"Silhouette!" tuwang-tuwang sigaw at pumalakpak ang Marquis, matapos mawalan ng buhay ang lalaki dahil sa ginawa n'ya gamit ang kamay ko.
Everything stopped. My breathing. My heartbeat. My sanity. It was all gone. Natulala na lang ako matapos no'n. Hindi alam ang gagawin. Hindi alam ang mararamdaman. Tears were just silently shedding from my eyes.
And Hope looked at me... like I was the most terrifying person, her eyes ever laid on...
I could only whisper and beg...
"Please... don't look at me like that... I love you, Hope... please... help me..."
Before she lost her consciousness after the shock that she experienced.
The torture for me continued. Para akong walang buhay no'n. Kahit sinasaktan, kahit pinahihirapan, kahit sinasabihan ng mga bagay na pagbabanta tungkol sa pamilya ko... hindi maproseso ng utak ko dahil sa nangyari.
Iyak lang ako nang iyak. Hindi makapaniwala sa nagawa ko.
Hours passed by like an eternity. And when Hope woke up... she looked at me with a horrified expression. Like I would do to her... what she had witnessed.
Sa tingin na 'yon... sa tingin na 'yon... ako naubusan ng pag-asa at lakas.
Parang tinaggap ko na lang ang lahat. Parang... naging walang silbi na lang ang lahat. I lost consciousness, because of shock, horror, and pain.
Nang magkamalay hindi ko binuksan ang mga mata ko. Nanatili akong pikit at nanginginig.
Bakit? Dahil sa takot.
Takot na makita ang tingin ni Hope sa akin.
Takot na baka hindi n'ya na ako kausapin, o ngitian ulit.
But... I heard the Empress talking to Hope. She told her... that it wasn't the first time I killed someone. That... there was a mountain of people, and an ocean of blood... because of me.
"You heard it... right? They all yelled... Silhouette... they all begged for mercy, but Silhouette... never showed one. She killed them all." Lumuha lang ako nang tahimik habang nakapikit. Tama naman...
I killed them all.
That was also when I discovered that Hope wasn't really... sleeping all those times they were torturing me, and pushing me to do bad things. Hope was conscious but couldn't move, or open her eyes. She heard it all. She heard all those who cried in pain, those who begged me for mercy...
Those people who called me Silhouette... asking to be saved. But ended up with wide eyes open as they took their last breaths.
Kaya pala palaging bumubulong lang sa akin ang Empress. Kaya pala kapag may sasabihin s'ya sa akin palaging malapit lang sa tainga ko. Maliban na lang kapag tumatawa o isisigaw lang ang pangalan ko.
Dahil pinapaniwala n'ya si Hope... na ako ang may kagagawan ng lahat.
She buried those deep thoughts in Hope's mind. A thought that I would not show mercy to anyone... that I would kill easily... that my hands were bathed in blood. And... her blood was... going to be dripping on my hands in time.
Hope... slowly... believed that lie.
Pero ako mismo sa sarili ko, hindi ko na alam kung kasinungalingan nga ba o hindi...
Nakakapagod eh. Sobrang nakakapagod. Hindi na ako umaasang makakatakas pa kami. Hindi na ako umaasang masasalba pa ako. I was just... unhurriedly accepting my cruel fate.
It felt like I was born... to be the payment for all the sins of my family.
"Silhouette... is a bad person."
"Silhouette... killed all those who begged for her mercy."
"Silhouette... will soon... creep up, and kill you, Amythee..."
Palagi kong naririnig 'yan kapag kinakausap ng Empress si Amythee. Palagi akong nagpapanggap na walang malay.
Patuloy pa rin ang pagpapahirap sa amin... pero namanhid na yata ako. Hindi ko na alam kung may dapat ba akong maramdaman o wala. I was just hopeless... tired... and done with everything. The emotional and mental damage... it was beyond repair already.
Nothing could make me feel okay anymore.
Lalo na kapag titingin ako kay Hope at ngingiti? She would only return it with a terrified expression. She would only shake in fear with my smile at her.
I wanted to tell her I love her, that I deeply care for her with all my heart. But her eyes only screamed hate, dismay and torment.
Basag na. Basag na basag na ako.
Hope was slowly releasing her grasp on me. She was slowly seeing me as a monster, as a murderer, as someone who would soon hunt her.
Maybe it was also my fault... why she slowly experienced that... why she would never look at me in the eyes again, why she would never smile at me again... I was losing Hope.
And after all the torture they made us go through... that night came. The night when they slowly opened the huge curtain from the window of the place. Where the Empress wore a tiara that was black and with white crytals on it.
The night was soundless. Soundless, but you could feel... death in the air.
We were both awake. Hope was not glancing at me, but her gaze was on the floor. I smiled sadly.
Isang ngiti n'ya lang naman... isa lang... siguro... gugustuhin ko pang lumabas sa lugar na 'to ng buhay. 'Yon lang naman...
"Silhouette..." The Empress called emotionlessly me. Shivers travelled through my spine. Takot lang ang pumuno sa puso ko. Kakaibang lamig ang naramdaman ko sa balat.
"Kill Amythee, Silhouette." My eyes looked at Hope when I heard that whisper in my ear. I was suddenly alerted with nothing but pain and horror.
The moon from the window became more visible. It was full. It was shining. And the words that I heard kept repeating in my ears. Sasabog ang ulo ko sa matinding naririnig na walang tigil.
"Silhouette... kill before you get killed."
"Silhouette... kill Amythee..."
"Silhouette... save yourself..."
Paulit-ulit. Nakakabaliw. Nakakapanghina. Napahawak ako sa ulo ko no'n. Sumigaw na parang wala sa katinuan. Dahil tanging Silhouette lang ang naririnig ko.
Silhouette... and the voices that were begging for my mercy. The voices that asked me to assassinate people. The voices that command hideous things. The voices that made me suffer.
I just wanted to stop those voices. Please... please... please... stop.
Gusto kong humingi ng tulong kay Hope. Gusto kong sabihin n'yang titigil din ang paulit-ulit na Silhouette sa tainga ko. Gusto kong bigyan n'ya ako ng ngiti na nagsasabing makakalabas ulit kaming dalawa at mayayakap ang pamilya namin.
I wanted to hear her say...
"Silhouette, let's go home safely..."
And maybe those voices that were slowly burying me deep in the graveyard, those voices drowning me in the endless ocean, and those voices calling me from the abyss of hell... would stop.
'Yon lang naman ang gusto ko. 'Yon lang, wala ng iba.
I was hoping for that...
But when I looked at her... I saw her with a gun.
A gun pointing at me. Her eyes were dead and cold.
Nanlamig ako sa kinauupuan. Hindi makapagsalita. Nablanko ang lahat sa akin. Para akong tumitig sa ibang tao.
"Silhouette..."
And when she called my name... I saw red.
And a bullet travelled in the space... only to be entombed within me.
"Silhouette..." Hope's voice echoed... and I saw a red cage. A bloody, cold, and murderous red cage.
Hindi ko alam ang kasunod na nangyari. Pinakawalan nila ako sa pagkakatali, kahit may daplis ng bala mula sa may bandang tyan ko. I was heaving, and Hope dropped the gun when she was me bleeding.
"I killed Silhouette! You'll free me? You'll not hurt me?" Hope's voice was slowly becoming muffled in my ears.
"I did what you wanted me to do!" Hope cried and bawled. "Please... save me..." she begged.
"Please help me! Please help me! Please help me!" cried Hope.
Tumayo ako. Kahit hirap, kahit nanghihina. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko nakuha ang lakas ko. Isa lang ang nasa isip ko.
"Silhouette... help them... bury this blade in their hearts..."
Silhouette... will help you... Amythee...
I saw the glistening glow of the golden and black blade that was always pushed on me. For the first time, I walked to it, and held it tightly.
"I-I will help..." I murmured lifelessly.
Naglakad ako papalapit kay Amythee. Tanging takot ang nakita ko sa mga mata n'ya kaya naman ngumiti ako sa kanya. I looked at the blade I was holding.
"I will help you, Amythee..." I told her.
And the moment I was in front of her. The voice echoed again. "Silhouette... help them... bury this blade in their hearts..."
I did what I could do to help Amythee.
She looked at me with wide eyes. As she slowly knelt down while coughing blood. I buried the blade in her chest more, because she was still crying. Burying this blade would help her right? I beamed at her.
"It's okay... I'm helping you..." I told her, as she slowly closed her eyes.
"Silhouette..." It was her last word, that made me see endless pitch black.
Lahat ng lumapit sa akin, sinaksak ko sa puso. Kagaya ng ginawa ko kay Amythee. Ilang beses ko silang sinaksak para siguraduhing patay sila, dahil 'yon ang itinuro sa akin ng Empress. The Empress was impressed with my work.
I didn't stop. Hindi ko alam ang nangyayari. Basta lahat ng lumapit, naiiwang hindi na humihinga sa sahig. The place was soon... flooded with the sticky crimson liquid. My face covered with it, as well as my hands.
Hanggang sa nakita kong tumatawa at pumapalakpak ang Empress sa trono n'ya habang suot-suot n'ya ang kumikintab na koronang kulay itim.
I wanted that... I wanted that so bad. It would give you power. And I would not suffer anymore because I was crowned. Because I have that crown.
No one dared to disobey, kill, nor question the Empress wearing that crown.
Kaya naman nang lumapit ako sa kanya, hindi ako nag-alinlangan na isaksak ang blade na hawak ko sa dibdib n'ya. Her shock satisfied me. I repeatedly stabbed her. Until... she could no longer whimper, nor call me Silhouette again.
Her bloody body dropped lifelessly on the throne, and I took the crown from her head. The crystals of transparent white, became bloody with my hands. I smiled. I liked it bloody. I liked it better with red.
I sat on the lap of the Empress. As I slowly wore the crown on my head.
And when other Marquis' people entered, they could only kneel down.... While calling me a crown sinner.
I liked that. I liked that better.
A crown sinner.
I killed the Empress. I killed Amythee. I killed everybody. And I have the bloody crown on my head. A sinner. A powerful sinner.
In the end, I discovered that it wasn't... the Empress that caged me with the name Silhouette... it was Hope that confined me in that merciless cage of pure terror because of that night.
Hindi ko na alam ang mga sumunod na nangyari. Someone came to save us, while I could only see the moon that shine red in my eyes.
That crimson moon that made me realize that I was no longer the Miracle Silhouette... that they once knew... but I was now... a monster.
I also learned that it was Master Gideon that saved Hope that night from what I did, and it was him that stopped the bloodshed and saved me before I could no longer be redeemed.
Our parents suffered so much after what happened.
I thought it was finally over. That I could already go back home.
Little did I know... it was the start of more suffering... because it wasn't just Hope that I almost killed...
Napatingin ako sa mga kapatid ko na patuloy sa pag-iyak sa kinuwento ko sa kanila. Magkahawak kami ng kamay ni Hope. She was also bawling. Everyone was crying with bloodshot eyes, and heavy heart.
"Putang... ina..." Theon muttered under his breath with a breaking voice.
"Silhoue..." Akakios hugged me tight in his arms.
"Putangina... ba't nangyari sa inyo 'yon..." galit na galit at gigil na sambit ni Cleon. Halos manginig ang buong katawan sa narinig na kwento.
Hope hugged Theon, and Theon cried on her arms. Halos hindi na rin matigil si Biblee sa malakas na iyak nito at hinihingal na. Buti na nando'n si Akira na yakap-yakap s'ya at pinapatahan.
"Oh... my... gosh... Ate..." Halos mawalan ng boses si Art sa sinabi at lumuha para sa amin ni Hope.
"Is that why you all disappeared? Because you killed the Empress?" tahimik na tanong ni Honoka.
I nodded at her. Nagpigil sila ng iyak sa mga nalaman.
"The Domain. The Domain became angier at us, aside from my Lola Andrada's sin, and wanting the Empire's power..." I choked on my own voice.
"The result of that incident... was our Lola Nadine, Lola Nathalie, Lolo Bernard, and Lolo Philip. The Domain took them as hostages, because of what happened to their Empress in my hands..." Napapalo-palo ako sa dibdib ko.
My grandparents went to them voluntarily... because if not... it was my life that they would take. A life for a life. And they wanted the life of the one who murdered their Empress. Kaya sumama sila ng kusa para iligtas ako.
Iyon ang nagin kwento nina Dada sa akin nang makausap ko sila nitong nakaraan. At ginamit din ng Domain ang pagkakataong 'yon para kontrolin ang parents ko, pati na rin ang kagustuhang makuha ang buong Empire sa kanila.
They suffered so much because of me... and I carried all the burdens because of it.
Until... someone finally saw my wounds, my scars, and the way I was bleeding. Akakios saw me through it all. He knew my past; he knew my history... but he still loves me. He loves me even more with all the nakedness, and rawness of my brutal experiences.
"Were you... safe when you disappeared? Can you all finally breathe?" tanong ni Pierce sa akin, habang nakatitig ng diretso habang pumapatak isa-isa ang mga luha sa mga mata.
I shook my head. I gulped, and closed my eyes momentarily.
I glanced at my siblings. When we thought we finally escaped... hell.
I was the one... who brought them abyss.
"It wasn't just Hope that almost died because of me..." I smiled sadly. For my past wasn't beautiful, it was only pure torture, and agony.
"Huh?" nagtatakang reaksyon nilang lahat.
"The... t-triplets..." I bit my lowerlip, and I couldn't even continue the words... because it hurts so much.
"The triplets... suffered because of me, too... If it wasn't for Luna... you won't ever see them again..."
Luna cried harder while hearing my words. Halos hindi na s'ya makahinga sa narinig. Hindi na alam ang gagawin. Tahip-tahip na ang paghinga, at sakit sa dibdib. Ngumiti ako sa kanya, habang umiiyak s'ya.
Kung hindi dahil sa kanya... baka wala na rin ako ngayon.
"Gabby..." I held the hand of the youngest Evans. The person that I would be the most sorry... forever and always.
Kasi dahil sa akin... kaya hindi maganda ang childhood n'ya. Dahil sa akin kaya nagalit sa kanya ang triplets. At kasalanan ko rin kung bakit... hindi man lang s'ya nahawakan ni Momo no'ng baby pa s'ya...
Kasi... ako ang dahilan kung bakit nagdusa ang pamilya ko. Kung bakit muntik nang mamatay si Gabby sa mga kamay ko...
It was all on me.
The endless sins... that came with the burden of the crown. It gave me nothing... but regret, misery, and pain.
"No matter who you are from your past... I will always love you, Silhouette..." I heard Akakios whispered.
And finally the name... Silhouette... became free from all the scars and wounds of my inclement bygone times.
Because I could finally leave the abyss of my ruthless history behind, cause I could now smile... without any lies, and uncertainties, for I know, the new Improbus Ille Imperium and Akakios would always be beside me...
I am now Silhouette. Braver, stronger, and standing tall. Despite all the bloodshed and storms, I would continue to thrive and survive it all.
***