Note: This chapter includes some very touchy subjects for some readers, including depression, self harm, and suicide. As the author, I must state I do not advise or encourage any form of self harm, and as a person who has experienced depression, just know that my profile is always a click away if you ever need to talk to someone for anything. Really. Anything. Also, sorry that this chapter is going to be kinda depressing...
-Liz
Rosemary
Juliet would not get home for another five days. Half way through, and Rosemary was slowly dying. She hated herself. Why was she doing this? Cheating on David? It wasn't fair to him. It had to stop. It was a lie. He was a lie. Maybe nothing in anything was really honest anymore. She didn't know. Her nails were constantly digging into her skin, but as she broke down, she began to type out notes for everyone. She couldn't tell people that she was cutting again, they would only worry... Especially after the previous year...
Last Summer
She and Nathan had broken up for the second time, and she knew. David thought she was in love with him, and Ethan thought she was a lying, cheating bitch. None of the above were true. Well, maybe she was a liar. Sitting on the floor, she wondered where scissors were. All that she wanted was to feel her own relief of breaking her skin. She knew that she shouldn't... but she felt like it was the only pain she could control.
"David... I'm so sorry. -RM"
It was supposed to be the end. A simple apology to mark her goodbye. But it didn't. In a matter of moments, she got a similar text from Alexis. Sure, she was worried, but she had to find her own way. She grabbed her phone and ran to the kitchen, searching the drawers. What was she going to...
At the moment that she started for the sharpest knife there, a text buzzed onto her phone.
"Rosemary, please don't. U can't. -DH"
"Why not? Who will miss me, David??? -RM"
"I will! Ur my best friend, how can I go on without u? -DH"
"U still have Seth, dont u? Ive talked to him, he seems great, u dont need me. Ur just saying that, anyways. U feel responsible for this. Well guess fucking what? U arent! -RM"
"It's practically my fault, tho. I didnt tell u or Alexis the truth. -DH"
He had told Alexis he only liked Rosemary as a friend. But she didn't care. She wanted to die. Rid the world of one more faggot. How bad would that be? She was falling in love with Juliet and she couldn't stop... Juliet would probably hate her if she ever knew...
"Rosemary, I should have told u. -DH"
"TOLD ME WHAT? -RM"
"U are so beautiful, u know that? And u are kind, one of the most helpful people I've ever met, so caring, and amazing. U are clumsy but that is so cute, and I wish I'd told u that me and Kara broke up because now I have made a really shitty mistake but Rosey I am in love with u. -DH"
Rosemary froze. What did he mean that he and Kara broke up? She set them up! They'd been together for only a couple weeks!
"U what? What? David wtf, Im sorry but I dont believe u. -RM"
"Rosey! Come on, dont do this, dont kill urself, I cant go without u, okay? I. Love. You. -DH"
She put the knife away, but it wasn't but two minutes later she found out about Mahati. Right. He loved her. Of course he did, that's why he was dating some other girl. She was pissed. At least she wasn't depressed anymore, but she felt betrayed. Love wasn't just a word to throw around. She did love him. Maybe not in the way he thought, but she did. And he didn't get it. She was only alive because he was quick enough to lie to her.
Present Day
David had lied to her in almost the same way. A year later, she was with him, and doing basically the same. But was she doing it to him, or to Juliet, was the real question...
"David. I love u. Don't ever doubt that. I am so sorry but I have to do this. Forgive me. I cheated on u with Juliet. I am so, so sorry. I have to die now. But u can do it without me. -RM"
He didn't answer, and she didn't care. She wrote out a note for Jocelyn, Vrishin, both of the Seths, and Juliet. She would send them right after she took whatever pills she had decided on.
Jocelyn.
I am sorry for this. I know that David and I were the parents to our little "family", but I did a terrible thing. I cheated on him, with Juliet. I'm a lesbian, and I can't let myself live on knowing all of the people I hurt. I love you, my baby. You are my favorite daughter, now and forever. I hope that even though I did that, and am about to do this, you still have it in you to love me, your mum. You were always there when I needed someone. You know my deepest and darkest secrets, and you helped me through some of my hardest times. I would have never made it this far without you.
Song for you: Terrible Things, by Mayday Parade
I'm sorry.
Love, Mum.
Vrishin.
We've known each other not a couple months, and I'm sorry that it has to end so soon. I'm dead, now, if you're reading this, or at least as good as. But in this short amount of time, I've come to feel I've gained a new close friend, one I'd hoped to keep for a long while yet. In a weird, platonic sense, I love you, and I trust you with a lot. You were like, my platonic soulmate, I guess. I always had hoped we'd be best friends some day. You know me sometimes better than I know myself, all the way down to what you said after the eighth grade farewell. I am a lesbian, in love with another girl. And I don't know how you knew that, but in the end, maybe this is the cause. I cheated on him, Vrishin, and I can't live with that. I hurt him, and more importantly, I hurt her, the girl I love.
Song for you: Count on Me, by Bruno Mars
Forgive me for this.
Love, Rose.
Seth (the cool one).
I remember when you deemed me one of your best friends... haha. Well, you're one of mine. Don't pretend with me, now. I know that you have a thing for me. That's totally okay, it just makes this kind of suck. I've killed myself, which is why you're reading this, and I'm so sorry for that. As I'm sure you know, Juliet and I have been flirting a lot lately... and at first, I was so, so happy. She loves me too, you know? And Seth... I don't know what to do anymore. One thing led to another and I was falling so in love and I was in so deep... Now it's turned into cheating on David. I can't live with myself. When he finds out, he'll be so hurt... You are my best friend, Seth. I love you, in that platonic, fandom-wife to fandom-husband way.
Song for you: Prove You Wrong, by He is We
I'm so sorry.
Love, your Amelia Pond.
Seth (the annoying one).
Know that I call you the annoying one with all endearment, my friend. I'm not bisexual, or pansexual... I'm gay. You were totally right when you guessed that, even if you were just trying to irritate me. I want to beg your forgiveness for everything, as I have with the few others I have left a special note for, but honestly, I don't deserve that. I did something terrible, and to your best friend. I won't go into the details or really even touch on it, but just know that is why this note is here. I will never hurt him again, because I will be gone. Thank you for being such a dear friend to me this past month, and I'm sorry for being sharp with you all those times. In the end, I didn't understand why if I were into girls, I could've fallen for you, way back when. I didn't get it. But now, I accept it. I guess you were a weird exception to the rule.
Song for you: The Only Exception, by Paramore
This has been fun, I guess.
Love, or maybe hate, Rosey.
Juliet.
My love, I am so sorry.... [to be continued].
****
Her arms were covered in rips and tears but she didn't feel any better. She still felt guilty and filthy and knew what had to be done. Grabbing pills, trying to take anything, as much as she could, except only three in, a text buzzed onto her phone.
"Rose, we can work this out. I still love u, and u don't have to do this. -DH"
He did this every fucking time, didn't he.
"Didnt u read what I did, David? -RM"
"Yes, and it isn't worth ur life. -DH"
"Why cant u just let me die? -RM"
"Call it off with her, and u won't have to. We can still be together, okay? -DH"
"Shes at camp rn. -RM"
"Then when she gets back. It's going to be okay. Okay? -DH"
"Why do u do this? -RM"
"I'm magical, and I love u. -DH"
"I dont deserve that. -RM"
"I don't care. -DH"
She looked at the notes, still unsent. Well, she might as well just save them, and edit them for a later time. Who knew when something would happen and David wouldn't interfere, right? As she saved it, she saw that Jocelyn had been trying to get a hold of her for a few hours now.
JI: Mom.
JI: Mom?
JI: Oh my gog, Mom?
JI: Rosey I know that you're trying to hurt yourself, and you have to stop.
JI: Rosey?
JI: Oh my god, please answer me.
JI: Stop it. I can't lose you.
JI: Mom? I don't care what you did because it isn't going to make me hate you. Please don't do this. Please answer me. Rosey, please.
RV: I'm sorry, baby.
JI: Don't.
RV: I am not going to. But I cheated on David with Juliet, and I just don't know. He said if I called it off, it would be okay.
JI: Because he loves you. We all love you. Okay?
RV: I love you too. I mean, if he and I can survive this... Ha.
JI: Yeah. You two are perfect. Look, it was shitty of you to cheat, yeah, but I'm not angry. I just don't want anything to happen to you. Alexis might be flipping her shit about now though...
Oh, great. If Alexis knew...
RV: Tell her not to. Mum is going to get help, okay? I promise.
Maybe a hospital...
JI: Okay. Good. Just get better, okay?
RV: Okay.
****
She sat patiently by the door. This was the only time that she'd tell her father about anything. It must have been an hour that she'd been sitting there, not moving. No one texted or kik messaged her besides Jocelyn, which was sort of relieving. She couldn't talk to anyone else right then. It was just too much.
The garage door opened, and a car pulled in. He was home. When he stepped through the door, Rosemary felt herself go numb, not sure if she was afraid or just indignant and stubborn. But she forced out the words.
"Dad, we need to talk."
He looked confused. "What about? Is everything okay?"
"No." She fidgeted behind her back with a rubber band.
"What's wrong?"
"Can we go somewhere else, please?"
"Princess, what's wrong?" Okay, please don't pull the Princess card, I'm fourteen, for god's sake.
"Dad, I want to die." Her face was slack, no emotion showing through. She had to let him know how dead serious she was, so that he wouldn't think it was a joke.
"People who cut are really just looking for attention." He'd said that a year ago. "People who want to die are just too selfish to consider how other people feel." More like they think they're ridding the world of something it doesn't need, and probably because there was someone who made them feel that way.
He blinked slowly at her, and she wasn't sure if he'd heard her right. "Dad...?"
"Let's go downstairs. Levi, Victoria, stay up here. Daddy has to talk to your sister." The two of them had been standing to the side, which was why Rosemary had kept her voice so low. They scurried off to their rooms, and he led her down to the basement.
"Why?" he asked after an eternity of silence.
There were, of course, many reasons. Obviously, the final straw was the fact that she was gay and hated herself for that. But she had also been bullied her whole life, mostly by the people in this house. Her step bitch, for example...
"Are you stupid?"
"You're worthless!"
"Ugly, stupid girl!"
"You know that your daddy is a fucking cheater?" Well, no kidding, he cheated on Mom with you.
"Don't you know how to do anything?"
And every word felt so true after hearing it so many times. At this moment in her life, she'd never admit it, but Aadarsh fed her the same shit, a lot.
"What do you mean you want to go into biochem? You know as well as I do that you couldn't afford it, you have no experience, and you couldn't get a scholarship to a decent school if you tried."
"Ugly whore."
"You're a stupid dyke, you know."
But in the end, it was herself, she figured. She didn't have it in her to face herself, because anything anyone else could say to her, she'd already said something so much worse.
"There are a lot of things, I think. It just all has piled up and I can't take it anymore. I need help, Dad," she explained.
He didn't know what to say; she could tell from the way he had his eyebrows knit together, wondering what he was supposed to do. "We have to tell your moth-"
"No!" she screeched.
He flinched. "What?"
"You can't tell her, Dad, she'll just worry, I don't want her to worry," Rosemary begged. "Don't."
"I know that it is hard to be a teenager. Your emotions do crazy things, and it makes you feel this way sometimes. I know. But we have to tell her so that we can work something out."
I'm never coming to your house again, though...
****
Two days later, she thought that everything was fixed. She would cut off Juliet and save her from herself. Rosemary wouldn't be able to take hurting her. She'd only made a narrow escape this time. There was no telling what might happen the next.
That was when she realized that she had to get out. When Juliet got home, she refused to break up with her. It was time for David to go.
It was just after ten in Wisconsin, after eleven back home. For the most part, she was recovering. Her dad didn't take her to a hospital or anyone, but she had a feeling that he was going to be watching out for her. Her heart was mending, and she felt less like an abomination to the world. She was texting Jocelyn, when suddenly, her phone vibrated. It was David. If there ever were a time to do it, it was then, but then she read it.
"Hello, Rosemary... -DH"
He never started a conversation like that. He hadn't called her Rosemary in months. What was going on...?
"Hey, David. -RM"
She jumped onto kik and messaged Jocelyn.
RV: He's going to dump me.
JI: Rosey, what?
RV: Jocelyn, he said, "Hello, Rosemary..." There was ellipsis, a hello, and my full name. He always starts with "Hey beautiful." Sometimes "Hello beautiful." But this is wrong. He isn't answering!!
JI: Maybe he's just saying hi...?
RV: No. I know him way too well.
He didn't say anything, and soon, ten minutes had dragged by, feeling more like ten years.
"David? U there? Im sorry its just that u started ur message a weird way and idk how I should be interpreting that but... um... u there? -RM"
"Hey, sorry. I had to do something. I'm here. I don't exactly know how to say this... Rosemary, I love u... -DH"
"Um... I love u too... -RM"
"It's just.. I'm not ready for a serious commitment like this. I feel like I'm ripping ur heart out here, and I'm so sorry, but please, let me explain. -DH"
She tried to answer, but her phone buzzed again.
"Rosemary, I still love u, it's just that I don't think I can be with u romantically. I don't want to hurt u, and u deserve someone who can always be there for u. I can't put myself all the way in this, and I'm crying so hard right now, which I know u probably knew anyways, but I just can't do this. I know that this isn't exactly what u wanted to hear. I'm sorry. -DH"
Figuring that was it, she started to reply (again), but her phone buzzed (a-fucking-gain).
"We've been through so much together, and this doesn't even feel right, but I know it has to be done. Blah blah blah blah I still love u blah blah blah I'm sorry blah blah blah blah forgive me blah blah blah we can still be friends blah blah blah you'll find someone someday blah blah..."
Oh wait. That was just her interpretation. Oops...
"DAVID SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS JFC. -RM"
She wasn't heart broken. Shocked, maybe. But more accurately: she was so annoyed. Like, will you stop dragging this on please because honestly I get the point, you love me, you're sorry, everything sucks, whatever. Guess what? Rosemary Montague is gay and this is the best thing to happen all fucking week!
"... -DH"
"Thank u. Honestly, stop. Im laughing and crying at the same time but I dont hate u and Im not mad and sure Im a little heartbroken but Ill live. Weve been through worse than this. We can still be friends, right? Its all good. Okay? -RM"
For the sake of fuck.
"Yeah. Okay. Okay, that's good. As long as ur okay. -DH"
She wasn't sure if she was actually sad or not, because honestly, she was hysterical. How dare he dump me first? I had a plan and everything!
"But, David, one more thing... -RM"
If he can't know I'm gay... Then I've got a part to play...
"What is it? -DH"
"Do u thing theres any hope well get back together? -RM"
"I hope so, but not until at least tenth grade. -DH"
AKA never, thanks, pretty boy.
And now for the rest of the part...
RV: Jocelyn, he did it. It's over. Dasey is no more.
JI: I KNOW!!! AND I AM SO UPSET.
RV: Why?
JI: Alexis kind of talked him into doing it...
RV: WHAT????
THAT BITCH DID WHAT? she screamed internally.
Oh, if she was irritated before, now she was livid. That bitch had to go fucking with all of her relationship things. What was next? She made out with Juliet even though she knew Rosemary was in love with her? Okay that would probably never happen, but still. That whore had a boyfriend! Why did she need to fuck up Rosey's relationship? Because she still loved David, obviously. No wonder Mahati didn't want her talking to him. But David listened to her! If they ever got together, Rosemary swore to herself they would both suffer.
"How could u, Alexis? HOW COULD U? -RM"
Alexis had been asking if she was okay, but Rosemary was unbreakable in this state. She played all innocent. How dare she.
JI: She kinda started talking about how sexy furniture was so now I'm not yelling at her anymore...
No surprise. No anger at Jocelyn. But that bitch.
She walked to the basement and video called Aadarsh
"Hey?" he said in surprise when he answered. "What's up?"
"David dumped me. Thought you'd want to know."
"When?"
"Like, half hour ago. Why?"
"You look pretty... not sad, for having just been dumped."
"Yeah, not a single tear." Well, if we are going to be getting revenge on some idiots... "I love you, you know."
His smug face of course made her want to vomit, but she was so numb she could talk dirty to Voldemort without breaking character. Acting the part was becoming just so easy without Juliet to force her to feel.
"I always knew you'd come around. But I want you to take time to make sure this is what you want, okay?"
Okay, but I am intending on breaking you for everything you've ever done to me. The game is fucking afoot.
"Okay, don't worry. I will."
****
AA: Rosey, will you be my gf?
Please, don't even bother to write out the whole word (and they say chivalry is dead).
RV: Of course.
She thought she might throw up.
But six hours of braving couple talk that made her stomach churn, she knew it was escalated to the perfect height to drop and have them still live to feel the fall. (Because physics.)
RV: I can't do this. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you, and I love you, but I think I'm just too into girls. Don't hate me. We can be friends. I'm not a good girlfriend anyways and besides, when would we even see each other in person? Right? Well, goodbye, hon.
She gagged at hitting send. He was a douche bag, but at least he was gullible. It was Saturday... Juliet came home tomorrow...
****
"David broke up with me :( -RM"
"Oh, no! Are you ok? -SW"
He liked her. She knew. While she wasn't going to make a move, she wouldn't say no to him. She was over (mostly) getting back at David and Aadarsh (though this would help so triple bonus), but more importantly, she would be showing him not all girls would use him the way Jennifer had. When he found out about that, he was so hurt, and Rosemary wanted to fix it ever since. Her chance was probably coming soon.
"Yeah, Im over it now. I guess that it hurt at the moment but... meh. -RM"
"Okay, well, then can I ask you a question? -SW"
"Sure. -RM"
"Will you go out with me? -SW"
She had expected it, but right then, someone called her to eat. It would have to wait...
Eating the quesadilla that she was having for lunch, she thought about him and his question. She wanted to say yes, because then she could help, but she also was still bitter about David, and she was still in love with Juliet. Juliet... She was coming home today. Oh, god. What was she to do?
"I know you like me. -SW"
"Rosey? -SW"
"Busy Rosey, haha. -SW"
He knows I... God, I feel terrible sometimes when it comes to guys... Also, why do they always assume? What's up with that?
"Are u serious? -RM"
"Yeah, of course I am. -SW"
"My Rory, my fandom husband, my best friend, is asking me out right now? Do u know how great that is? -RM"
"Lol. -SW"
"My answer is of course, yes. Oh my gods! -RM"
But Juliet was coming home today... This was horrible, horrible timing...
~~~~~~~PURE FICTION BUT WRITER'S PRIVILEGES~~~~~~~
David
He hadn't wanted to hurt her, but it was for the best, right? Yeah. Alexis would've known. Tenth grade... He wondered if Rosemary would wait for him all that time again. Knowing her, she probably would. She was the most loyal person he knew. Well, okay. So she kind of cheated on him. With a girl. But she apologized. Right? She felt bad so...
David shook his head. He knew that wasn't the real reason. There was someone else, and that was just the way it was...