-Jordan-
When I woke up the next morning, I felt surprisingly good. Like, really good. It was still dark outside, and Blake was asleep, so I closed my eyes and tried to fall back to sleep. I gave up fast since I couldn't keep my eyes closed. I hadn't felt this good ever since Blake took my clocks away, and I wanted to enjoy it, not ruin it by trying to fall back to sleep.
So, instead of even trying, I turned to look at my drooling, snoring boyfriend. He must've been exhausted as well. I hated myself for having to put him through all that crap during the past few weeks... I was so sorry for him. His life would be so much better without me...
I stopped myself right then and there. For one, those thoughts made no sense, taken the fact that he used to be a homeless criminal with no guarantee of tomorrow. Two, he was constantly reminding me of how much he loved me and that he wanted to be with me through thick and thin. Three, it was just another trick of my mind that was trying to bring me down and ruin everything for me.
I snuggled closer to Blake, moving carefully so I wouldn't wake him up. I slowly slid my leg over his and moved his arm to rest on my hip before hugging him gently. He was shifting a bit in his sleep, pulling me closer before letting out a deep breath, resting his head against mine. I smiled at him and kissed his cheek before settling down in his arms.
His attention was what I'd missed the most during this whole ordeal. I missed kissing and cuddles and having sex with him... I still wasn't in the right mood for sex, but I still missed it.
I couldn't wait for the time when I wouldn't even remember I once had a schedule to follow.
It really was happening... If I looked over Blake's shoulder, I wouldn't see the alarm clock that used to start my day as a slave for time. It wasn't there anymore. It really wasn't there anymore... Part of me was still nearly freaking out because of it. I could feel the bad thoughts circling around me, trying to find a weak spot to use against me.
But the other part of me was hopeful. I hadn't dared to dream about how things would be a year from now. Or a month from now. Now that I was... free.
That thought was so scary that I first refused to think about it. I mean, it was the only thing I had dreamed of for as long as I could remember. To be free from OCD, or at least be able to cope with it and live somewhat normally. But it wasn't a dream anymore.
I think that was the moment when it finally sunk in. I was free. Free. I hadn't followed the schedule in weeks. I hadn't done a single thing according to the plan, and I hadn't studied or painted or read books or exercised at all. Not even once. I actually missed doing those as well, but now I wanted to do them because I wanted to, not because the stupid plan demanded it.
I turned my attention back to Blake. He had given me the strength I needed to recover. I loved him so much... I wanted to become better not only for myself, but for him as well. He had been so great to me, and he deserved the best I could offer.
I carefully planted a kiss on his lips, but apparently, I was still too rough, since he woke up. He opened one eye and peered at me, looking like he could use a few more hours of sleep. He closed his eyes soon after, and pulled me into a tight hug, letting out a sleepy groan.
"Good morning," he purred, sending happy shivers down my spine.
"Good morning," I replied, stressing the words.
He looked at me again, his sleepy expression lighting up in a smile. "Are you feeling better?" he asked.
"Yup," I mumbled, brushing my hand through his hair. "I'm feeling much better," I added, kissing his lips.
"Good," he smiled at me happily.
We stayed there for a while, in our little bubble, staring at each other. I was so content and happy and full of positive thoughts that I couldn't wait to get out of bed.
"I think I want to paint today," I told him, when the idea popped in my head.
"What are you going to paint?" he asked.
"You. I never finished that painting," I told him. "Now I have all the time in the world to finish it," I added, feeling scared but excited by the thought. I really did have all the time in the world now... And my God, it scared me. I feared I would freak out again, but I tried not to let that fear take control over me.
"Yup, you do," he said softly, hugging me tightly.
I felt stronger again when he did that. I felt like nothing bad could get to me as long as he was there, right by my side.
Later that day, after we showered together and ate breakfast while watching TV, I was still feeling pretty positive. Being outside of my bedroom was taking a lot of energy, but it had become manageable for me. The missing clocks were still causing me a lot of anxiety, but I was pretty sure I didn't try to look for them that often anymore. It was hard to teach my eyes not to try to find one every half a minute, but it was getting better.
I was getting better. Now I could actually feel the change in myself. I wasn't just trying to hold on and ride it out anymore. I felt more stable and my thoughts weren't revolving around the missing clocks every single second, and it felt amazing.
For the first time after losing the clocks, I honestly felt like I could actually live without them.
With this new set of mind, I started dusting off my painting equipment with Blake's help. He asked a couple of things about the stuff I had, and I was happy to explain what they were for. It felt so normal to teach him. It was almost like the past couple of weeks of me constantly freaking out never happened.
I watched Blake carefully but he was nothing but loving and affectionate towards me even though I put him through hell. I had feared that he would treat me differently now that he had to endure me at my worst, but... nothing. He had a warm smile on his face as he stood so close to me that I could feel the heat of his body. I even caught him checking out my butt a few times.
I turned to look at the unfinished painting of him. There was no way my painting skills could ever do him justice. He was so, so much more than a few spots of color on a canvas. There weren't even enough words in the world to describe him... He was the definition of perfect, and I would never be able to convey that with my paintings.
"You'll have to add a few more layers on my stomach," he chuckled, and when I turned to look at him, he was holding his non-existent love handles with both hands with a smirk on his lips.
I laughed. It was the first genuine laugh I had in the past few weeks.
"Nonsense. You are a healthy young man," I told him, patting his stomach.
"I really should start exercising again," he muttered.
"We could start doing that together. I could teach you how to do yoga," I told him.
His smile turned mischievous. "Yes... Yoga. Gotcha," he said with a wink.
I shook my head in amusement. "No. I mean actual yoga. You're thinking about Kama Sutra."
"Kama Sutra... Yoga... Same thing," he shrugged. I rolled my eyes and sighed, making him chuckle. He stepped right behind me, wrapped his arms around my stomach, and planted a kiss on my cheek. "Okay, okay – yoga sounds nice."
I didn't tell him that I was actually interested in trying Kama Sutra with him.
*****
I didn't get to finish the painting that day since I ran out of mental strength a few hours later. I didn't want to push myself so we decided to watch some movies for a while before I had to return to my safe place: my bedroom. I was happy that I managed to retain a good mood throughout the day even though I had to cut it short.
The next day was just as good for me, but it was clear that I was exhausting my strength, so on the third day, I was struggling to get out of bed. After using the toilet, I had to return to the bedroom, so Blake went to make us breakfast.
I was disappointed. For a moment, I thought that I was fine now, but obviously that wasn't the case. Although, to be honest, I probably could've gone with Blake and spend some time with him in the living room, but I didn't even want to try this time. The constant need to check the time was just too much for me to deal with at that moment.
It was so much easier to stay relaxed while I was in the bedroom. The living room had been covered in clocks, so wherever I looked, the empty spots constantly reminded me that they were gone. I only had one clock in my bedroom, however, so it was much easier to avoid looking at the nightstand where it used to be.
Blake returned to me a few moments later, giving me something else to think about. He brought me a few sandwiches, and even though it took me almost half an hour to eat both of them, I didn't have to force myself to eat, which was always a good sign. At least I knew I hadn't lost any progress; I was simply too tired to try. It gave me hope that tomorrow I'd feel better again.
We stayed in bed for quite some time after finishing breakfast. We didn't talk much, which was fine by me. I used his chest as my pillow, and he slowly caressed my back and shoulder, nodding off every now and then. I spent a lot of time just thinking about the past year, and the changes I had been through. The rest of the time, I focused on listening to Blake's heartbeat, trying not to think anything at all. It was so peaceful... I really needed that.
But, as the hours passed, I started feeling restless. Lying in bed was getting pretty dull after a while, and even though I had Blake to keep me company, my body was screaming for me to move. I tried to ignore it for a while, but eventually, I had to give up.
"Let's go finish that painting," I told Blake, who turned to give me a curious look.
"Now?" he asked.
"Yeah, why not? I can't stay in this bed a second longer," I told him while getting up.
He smiled at me and followed me out of bed. I turned to look at the door and hesitated for a moment. I wasn't sure if I was able to deal with the whole issue with the clocks, but staying in bed wasn't an option.
It took me a moment before I could actually step out of the room, but to my surprise, being in the living room didn't feel that bad after all. I quickly turned my attention to the unfinished painting and made my way to it without looking around. Blake followed me in silence, and when I turned to see him, he was watching me carefully.
"What?" I asked.
"I just thought we'd stay in bed today," he shrugged.
"So did I, to be honest," I muttered. "But my body and my mind are demanding different things right now..."
"I see," he smiled and gave me a hug. "Are you feeling all right?"
"Yeah, for now at least," I said, and gestured him to take his place so I could continue painting. "Let's see if we can finish this now."
"Sure," he said with a smile.
I started working on the painting right away in hopes of getting it finally done before I'd get too overwhelmed. I had the feeling it wouldn't take too long this time since I was already reluctant to be outside my bedroom. It did feel good to be up on my feet, though. I was seriously getting sick of lying around without doing anything.
"Maybe we should get a TV in my room," I spoke, as I was focusing on the small details on Blake's face.
"Sounds good," he replied, trying to hold perfectly still.
I let out a sigh. "It's probably just another enabler though. If it's there, I have a new reason to stay in bed..."
"Oh, right," he mumbled. "I didn't even think about that."
"Every time I get these great ideas, I suddenly hear Mr. Xavier nagging inside my head about enablers and stuff," I chuckled. "He's really good. He doesn't even need to be in contact with me to set me straight."
Blake started laughing lightly and hearing that made me feel a lot better. I was actually glad that I got out of bed. My body was pleased with me now and focusing on the painting was giving me something else to think about.
"I actually think this is almost done," I muttered while I was applying shadows on Blake's face. "Just some details and a little fixing should be enough."
"Maybe I can paint you next?" Blake chuckled.
"Sure," I smiled at him. "Have you ever held a paintbrush before?"
"Nope," he grinned. "But I can do stick figures!"
"Ah, the fine arts of sticks – the greatest subcategory of modern art," I joked.
"I'm a grandmaster of the fine arts of sticks," he said, acting proud of himself.
"Oh, wow," I breathed out, enjoying our little moment of foolishness. It was so nice to goof around and not worry about a thing. I was now extremely happy that I got out of bed. I may have not been just fine yet, but I was definitely getting close to it. "But why do I have the feeling that if I let you paint, the first thing you're going to do is a dick?"
He started laughing, then slapped his hand over his mouth. "I would never!" he mumbled, acting all innocent.
"Yeah, right," I chuckled.
I continued painting for a moment, but all of a sudden, there was a light knock on the door. I didn't know how to react when that happened. No one knocked on my door! I couldn't even remember the last time it happened.
But before I could open my mouth, I heard my mom's voice.
"I'm sorry I'm interrupting, but I need to talk to Blake," she said, and I could already tell it was urgent. I frowned, feeling afraid all of a sudden. Blake was already up on his feet and coming towards me with a soothing smile on his face.
"She probably just needs my help with something – I'll be right back," he smiled at me, touching my hand gently.
I couldn't say a word. This situation was too weird, too sudden. I guess Blake could see that.
"It's fine – it's just your mom," he said gently, carefully lifting his hand on my side. "Love?"
I forced myself to look at Blake. "Something's wrong," I muttered. "She's never done this before."
"I'm sure there's nothing to worry about," Blake said, but I had the feeling he didn't believe in his own words.
"Blake?" Mom called out to him. "My brother called..."
Blake froze for a moment. His smile lost most of the warmth.
"It's about your family," I breathed out, relaxing a bit.
Blake grit his teeth together and turned to look at the door. I could tell he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear why my uncle called her, and why it was so urgent that she needed to come to knock on my door after all these years.
"Blake?" I spoke his name gently, and when he turned to look at me, I continued, "Do you want me to come with you?"
He blinked a few times, but then, he nodded. "Sure..."
It was my turn to smile soothingly when I took his hand in mine. Together, we went to open the door, and I had to admit I was feeling excited. This had to be something big! Mom would never dare to knock on my door or call me when she wasn't supposed to, so she most definitely had big news that couldn't wait.
When I saw my mom, I immediately spotted a piece of paper in her hands.
"I'm sorry that I'm bothering you," she began, peering at the paper in her hands with a nervous expression on her face.
"What is it?" Blake asked quietly.
"Should we talk downstairs?" Mom asked, looking at me.
"Don't worry about me – I'll stay with him," I told her, knowing that she was scared I'd get overwhelmed. Screw my stupid fears! Blake needed me, and I was actually happy to see her after such a long time.
"I... um... Well..." Mom muttered, looking at the paper again. "Like I said a few days ago – my brother was going to see a couple of families in Poland, and he just finished interviewing them, and..."
She trailed off to take a deep breath, before she gave the paper to Blake. "It's not much, and it might just be a coincidence, but I think you should see this."
Blake took the paper hesitantly and flipped it over. It was a picture. Of a couple.
"My God..." I breathed out when I saw a man in his forties staring at me in the picture.
He looked a lot like Blake. So did the woman.
"So...?" Blake looked up at Mom again.
"I think we should talk about the DNA test."