-Jordan-
It was time.
The day before New Year's eve, the evening I would cut my hair, had arrived.
Blake was standing right behind me in my bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror, holding my braid with two hands. There was a pair of scissors on top of the sink. Blake's arms were around my waist, his chest pressed against my back.
"No more spending ages to wash my hair..." I muttered, and tried to smile at that thought, but it still scared me.
But I was ready. I was more than ready. I turned around and buried my head in Blake's shoulder, letting go of my hair. For good.
Blake caressed my back slowly with one hand and leaned away to take the scissors. We had agreed that it would be best if he did it. There was the possibility I would hate him for cutting my hair, but we both knew I would never be able to do it myself. I would most likely panic if I tried, and I would be holding scissors.
We had done our usual precautions in hopes losing my hair would be easier. We were both in our pajamas already, in case I freaked out and Blake had to carry me to my bed. I would freak out, I knew I would, but that didn't stop me.
"Do it," I breathed out, trying to focus on him, not what he was doing.
I hugged him tighter when he removed his arms. When he grabbed my braid, I bit my teeth together, squeezed my eyes shut, and dug my fingers into his back. I was afraid. My heart was beating fast and I felt nauseated.
And then... the sound of scissors closing once, twice, three times... And the weight was gone.
I let out a deep breath, feeling almost surprised that it didn't hurt. Of course it didn't hurt.
But then it hit me. The braid was gone. Part of me was gone.
Blake put the scissors away, and I heard him stuffing the braid in a plastic bag, out of the view. Then he hugged me without saying a word. I held onto him as tightly as I could, fearing for the worst. I didn't want to think about what I would see if I turned around to face the mirror. I didn't want to see my reflection.
"Okay..." Blake muttered. "Let's take you to bed."
"I... I need to take a... shower..." I spoke breathlessly. I was feeling dizzy and weak now.
"I don't know about that," Blake said quietly. "You're shivering all over..."
"I don't... I..." my head was shutting down.
"Okay, I'll take you to bed," he said, and before I could do or say anything, he picked me up from the floor.
It was the first time anyone had carried me. That I could remember. I started crying silently when he walked out of the bathroom. I was nearly panicking. I didn't know what to do, how to react, or what to even think.
"Just keep breathing, love," Blake told me.
He let me down on the bed, but I didn't let go of him. I knew that if I let go of him, I would panic. He knew that, I guess, because he lay down right next to me, and pulled me tightly against his chest.
"You're doing so well, baby," he whispered in my ear, placing his hand on the back of my neck. "Just breathe, all right?"
I nodded against his chest. I could feel the ends of my locks tickling my shoulders and back, and I nearly lost my control when I thought about what it meant. My hair was gone...
"No, no, no..." Blake uttered soothingly when I tried to get up, feeling even more panicky and sick all of a sudden. Blake tightened his hold on me, muttering soothing words in my ear while I gasped for air, returning back under his shielding arm.
I had no idea how long it took until the worst part was over. Blake held me patiently while I tried to get a grip of myself, never really succeeding in it. I didn't want to think about what we just did, but it was all I could think of. The braid wouldn't be there anymore if I tried to grab it. There was no going back anymore. It would take years and years and years before it would grow back.
I regretted it with everything I got. I cried my eyes out because I hated myself so much for getting rid of it. This was the worst thing I had done after Blake appeared in my life. This time I nearly lost it. My hair was part of me... And now it was gone.
How could I do such a thing...?
After what felt like days, I finally felt like I had no more tears to shed. Breathing became easier as well. Blake was still holding me. He kept caressing my back and shoulders, speaking only a few words now and then.
"It's gone..." I croaked and sniffed hard. "I can't..."
"You did the right thing," Blake murmured. "Your life is now a bit easier."
"How is this easier?" I asked a bit harshly.
"It will be," he just replied. "We knew this would happen. Do you remember what you said earlier today?"
I stopped to think back to that moment when I still had my braid attached to me.
"I said I can't wait to get rid of it... But I was wrong..." I sniffed, but thinking about that moment gave me a little bit of strength.
"No, you weren't wrong. You knew exactly what you wanted," Blake continued. "Remember?"
"No..." I muttered.
"I see..." he breathed out. "You said you can't wait to not braid it all the time, and that it was in a bad condition, and that you wanted a nice haircut..."
He continued talking about the good things losing my hair meant. I focused on his voice, keeping my eyes closed. He kept brushing his hand through my hair... It was a nice feeling actually... He had never done that before because I always had the damn hair in a braid...
...And before I knew it, it was morning. I opened my eyes, trying to remember the moment I had fallen asleep. Blake was right in front of me. He was still holding me.
And then I saw a strand of my hair between us on the pillow. My first thought was that it was supposed to be in a braid... It was still long enough to be braided, but... I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, holding onto Blake tightly.
"Good morning..." he murmured in my ear, and hugged me tightly.
"Please move it away – I don't want to see it," I whispered.
"Sure," he muttered, and started brushing my strands back while I focused on the warmth of his hand.
"I don't think I can..." I started to speak, but I had to stop to take a breath. "It's too much..."
"I know, my love," he said ever so patiently.
I peered over his shoulder to see what time it was and felt a horrible jolt in my stomach when I realized I had only seven minutes left before I had to get up. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to see my hair – I didn't want to face the consequences of what I had done to it.
"I can't do this... I can't do this... I can't..." I muttered, hiding my face on Blake's shoulder, hoping the whole world would just disappear.
"Do you want to use plan B?" he asked carefully.
I didn't reply to him for a long time. Plan B: stay in bed the entire day. It would only make things worse, but I couldn't even think about getting up and start with my day as if nothing had happened. I would spend every second fighting with myself, focusing only on the missing hair...
"Yes..." I finally said, but that made me feel even worse. "No... I don't know..."
"What if we get up when we're supposed to, and then focus on your schedule one minute at a time?" Blake suggested. "I'll be right next to you the entire time, I promise."
"Yeah... Let's do that," I said, trying to think positively. One minute at a time. That I was good at.
When my alarm went off only a minute later, I lost all the confidence I had. Blake helped me up, and by the time I was up on my feet, I was silently crying out of fear and frustration. I would have to go to the bathroom. I needed to take a shower. I would be forced to see my reflection and touch my hair...
"One step at a time," Blake spoke, holding my hand in his. I had two minutes to make the bed. After that... "Do you want me to put your hair in a ponytail?"
I shivered when he said the word, hair. I nodded without giving it a second thought. I closed my eyes, trying to stay calm as he stepped behind me, starting to gather my hair together.
"How... How long is it...?" I asked.
"Like we agreed – just around the middle of your back," Blake said, and I nodded. "It looks beautiful, by the way."
"Do you... like the length?" I asked hesitantly.
"Yes, it looks really good. And it's really soft... And this ponytail is just hot," he spoke while securing my hair on top of my head. "There. Let me see you," he spoke, and I turned around slowly.
I opened my eyes and saw a big, warm smile on his face. He placed his hand on my cheek, wiping my tears away with his thumb. "I miss your smile already," he said quietly, his smile fading away as well.
His words made me cry even harder. I was a hot mess, but he still... He still said such nice things... He still was there with me, helping me, holding me, doing everything to make me feel better...
Stupid hair... I was blowing things way out of proportion. It was just hair... Such a stupid thing to get this upset over. It was all in my head anyway. Losing the hair was not threatening me in any way. On the contrary, now I didn't need to be afraid of getting strangled by it in my sleep.
"You are making this so much easier," I whispered, placing my hand on his cheek, trying to give him a smile.
"You are much stronger than you think," he replied. "We're running out of time."
I sighed and turned to look at the bed. Blake made the bed almost entirely on his own because I was too busy trying to keep it together. Then, he walked me slowly out of my room, but when we reached the bathroom door, I started feeling panicky. The first thing I would see was the mirror.
"Just take a deep breath, okay?" Blake said soothingly, holding a hand on my back. "We can do it together."
I really hoped so, but I wasn't feeling confident. I tried to focus on the fact that I was at least trying, and the worst part seemed to be behind me, but I feared seeing my reflection would be way too much. I didn't want to panic. It felt like failing if I panicked. I wanted to be stronger than that.
"You are overthinking now, love," Blake said. "You can just look at your feet the entire time, okay?"
I nodded. He was right. I was so glad he was there with me because I wasn't able to think rationally at the moment.
When Blake pushed the door open for me, I kept my eyes at my feet. I even faced away from the mirror and let Blake guide me to the shower.
"Do you want me to stay? I'll keep my back turned on you the entire time," Blake said, and I nodded. I didn't give a damn if he saw me naked, I just needed him to stay close to me.
I took off my clothes, stepped under the shower, and tried to grab my braid to toss it over the shower curtain, only to feel air against my hand. It was a hard moment for me, but I forced myself to turn on the water. I had to keep taking deep breaths while I washed myself hastily, taking short glimpses of Blake's back just to make sure I was still safe.
And as the minutes passed by, I began feeling stronger. Just a little, but it was enough. I was getting past it. I knew I would be having a lot of panicky moments for a long time, but I would get past them. I knew I would. I had to.
*****
It had to be one of the hardest days I had ever lived through. Every single task was ten times harder than normal because half of my mind was still highly bothered by the missing braid. I kept trying to grab it or touch it or make sure it wasn't in my way when I sat down or stood up, and every time I couldn't feel it, my breathing grew short.
I was careful not to see or touch my ponytail. Every time I used the bathroom, I kept my head down while Blake stood by the door. It did brush against my hand or cheek every now and then when I wasn't careful enough, making me feel bad, but it couldn't be helped.
Blake was there with me every second of the day. He kept talking and talking and talking to distract me until his voice was practically gone. I would never have been able to go through the day without his support. By the time the sun started to set, and the sky outside was lighting up with fireworks, I was surprised I went through the entire day without missing anything in my schedule or starting to hyperventilate even once.
And later, when I was taking a shower again, I felt much better than I did in the morning. I almost laughed when I realized it all had been much easier than I thought. In the morning, I had been sure I would fail miserably, but here I was, finishing up my last tasks of the day.
"You are smiling again," Blake said happily after I had a towel on and gave him the permission to look at me.
"I can't believe I got through the day," I said, stepping in front of him. "It's all thanks to you."
"You are giving me way too much credit," he chuckled, and pulled me into a gentle hug.
"I'm still soaking wet!" I exclaimed, trying to step away, but he hugged me even tighter.
"I don't mind," he purred, and placed a kiss on my cheek. "I'll have to go take a shower as well anyway."
"O-Oh..." I muttered. "You don't have to..."
"I haven't taken a shower since yesterday morning," he said.
"Says the guy who used to go on for days without showering..." I mumbled.
"Yeah, I don't think I can do that again," he chuckled.
"You can use my shower," I said – I was desperate to keep him close to me. Even if it would only be five or ten minutes, I couldn't even think about being left alone at that moment. I was scared of what would happen if he wasn't there to protect me from myself.
"Okay," he smiled. Neither of us moved or said anything in a moment, but then he raised his eyebrows at me. "You mean now?"
"Yeah. I promise I won't look," I said, and turned to face the wall. "I'll just wait like this."
Blake chuckled lightly, and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing my shoulder. "If you want to look, I don't mind," he purred, before letting go of me.
I turned to look back to see him taking off his hoodie. And T-shirt... When he started unbuttoning his pants, I turned to look away. It didn't work, of course, since the mirror was right in front of me. I could still see him taking off his pants... I blushed when he started pulling off his boxers, and forced myself to look at my own reflection. I was blushing really hard and biting my lower lip so I wouldn't start smiling. Oh... I just had to peek at him... Just once... Shortly...
I blushed harder when I got a good eyeful of his impressive, completely naked body. Then, I looked at myself again, and...
I pulled my towel tighter around myself as I stared at my reflection, finally realizing what I was doing. I lifted my hand carefully, waiting for the panicky thoughts or my breathing growing shorter, but when nothing happened, I slowly reached up to grab my hair. The part that was left of it. I pulled it over my shoulder so I could see it, and when the overwhelming feeling started to kick in, I turned to look at Blake, who was now standing under the shower, keeping an eye on me.
Slowly, I turned back to look at the ponytail on my shoulder. I brushed my hand through it a couple of times. It was the same hair. It was just shorter. It felt the same, looked the same, and smelled the same. Just... shorter. I had to focus on my breathing, and the uncomfortable knot in my stomach started acting up, but it wasn't such a big deal as I'd thought. It really wasn't such a big deal, after all.
"See? You are much stronger than you think," Blake spoke, and after a short moment, he turned the water off and grabbed a towel for himself. I turned to look at him as he put the towel around his waist.
"I... I..." I mumbled, looking at myself in the mirror once more. "I guess so..."
"I know so," he said, pulling me into a tight hug.
I turned to give him a kiss. "I love you, Blake."
"I love you too, my darling," he whispered, kissing me again.