-Blake-
I had to admit that this family was good at getting me to warm up to Christmas. I didn't hate it, but for me, it had always been a holiday I couldn't have. I never had friends or family to spend it with, or even a home to decorate, so I distanced myself from it early on.
But now I could finally let myself enjoy the holidays. I didn't stop wearing the red sweater Julia gave me. For one, it was really warm, and two, it always made Jordan smile when he saw it. And I kind of liked it actually.
Jordan was pretty happy about Christmas as well. We spent the evenings making more Christmas decorations with clay. It was really fun. I was bad at sculpting, but I didn't let that stop me! I made tiny snowmen and tiny Christmas gifts and tiny wreaths and tiny piles of Christmas balls and tiny penises – although Jordan refused to let me bake them. Jordan had made tiny houses and reindeers and even Santa Claus – show-off – and once they were all painted and put in their places, we had a tiny Christmas village on the table in the living room.
But the best part about those two weeks was that now I got to sleep in Jordan's bed every single night, holding him in my arms. It never stopped to amaze me how easy it was for him to snuggle close to me, and he never got uncomfortable with having my arms around him. Sometimes things got a bit heated up under the covers, and it was usually his fault. He was getting handsy, and he sure loved teasing me.
During the day, Jordan followed his daily plan without trying to push his limits much. His mother did come talk to him face-to-face at least once a day, and everything was going really well. Jordan was getting used to her faster than any of us could've ever imagined.
Even his father wanted to talk to him a few times. Their first phone call was awkward as hell in the beginning. It was clear that John was ashamed of not contacting his only son in months, but by the time they ended the call, we all were crying our eyes out. Even I couldn't stay unaffected listening to that broken man begging for Jordan's forgiveness, and Jordan telling him everything was all right and he didn't hate him at all. The second time was much smoother, and I could tell John was really happy to speak with Jordan.
The atmosphere in the house was changing steadily. I could almost feel the hope growing stronger with each passing day. And... for the first time in my life I felt like my life had actual meaning. I meant something to these people. My existence had a purpose now. I never even realized how empty my life had been – not until now.
And I definitely loved staying in this trap.
The morning of Christmas Eve arrived, and I was lying under the cozy covers of Jordan's bed, being teased by him once again.
"I want to touch it," Jordan said quietly.
I started laughing and turned my back on him. "No!"
"Why not?" Jordan asked, crawling right behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder. "Please?"
"Why do you even want to do that?" I asked. "It's not that special."
"But it is," Jordan murmured in my ear. "It is for me."
I didn't reply to him. Instead, I pulled the covers tighter around myself.
"Please?" Jordan begged. "I've never touched one before. Well, except my own..."
"You really want to touch it?" I asked, and turned to look at him. He nodded enthusiastically. "You want to touch my dick?" he nodded again. "That's just... okay – fine. You can touch it. But you know this isn't how it's supposed to go, right?"
"I know – I just really want to touch it," Jordan said without a hint of embarrassment on his face – I, on the other hand, was completely red.
He truly was getting more and more curious about intimacy in relationships. I was doing my best to just go with his whims, no matter what he wanted. So, I turned on my back and tried not to get affected by the slim fingers that slowly made their way into my boxers.
"It feels smooth," Jordan spoke quietly, resting his head on my shoulder. "Can I see it?"
"Lord... Okay – you do what you want," I said, placing a hand over my eyes. Like that could've helped me in any way.
"I'm sorry," he chuckled. "I just really wanted to do this... You know... I want to know if I'm... ready..."
I looked at him, and was glad to see he was blushing as well. He pulled his hand away and rested it on my chest, smirking mischievously.
"Uhm... ready for what?" I asked hesitantly.
"You know..." he muttered and blushed harder, looking so damn adorable.
I let out a chuckle and kissed his temple. "So? What's your verdict?"
He bit his lower lip, smiling widely. "Well... maybe?"
"Is that so?" I asked with a teasing tone. "Seriously though, there's no rush. It's a big step."
"I know," he breathed out and hugged me with one arm. "Which is why I want to take that step with you. When the time comes. I know you'll be patient with me."
I smiled at his words and hugged him back. "Of course, love."
A short moment later, Jordan's alarm went off, and we started our day in high spirits. I had to go take a cold shower before I could go put some clothes on though. After that, I returned to Jordan and watched him do his morning yoga, almost ending up needing another cold shower.
He sure knew how to tease me.
*****
There was something else Jordan wanted to do that day as well. We had been planning on it for a week now, figuring out how to make everything go as smoothly as possible. It was another huge step for Jordan. And his mother.
"So... how are you feeling?" I asked Jordan later that day when he was finishing up studying.
He turned to look at me, and took a deep breath with a tiny smile on his lips. "I think I can do it," he said with a careful voice.
I smiled and wrapped an arm around him. "You can still back out if you want."
"No," Jordan shook his head a little. "There's no backing out," he added with a smile.
His mother was coming to visit him. Later, she would step into Jordan's room for the first time in years, and there was nothing more we could do to prepare Jordan for that moment.
Every time Julia had come to see Jordan, she had stayed at the door, and a few times she had been leaning against the frame so that half of her body was already in the room. Jordan said it hadn't bothered him much, hardly at all, so we hoped that it would be just fine if Julia walked in.
The plan was that she would slowly come in while Jordan stayed at the other end of the room with me. She would stay there close to the door until Jordan calmed down, and if he couldn't, she would leave. If he calmed down, she would take a few more steps, stay there for a moment, before she would go back outside. It wasn't much, but we wanted to be extra careful this time since we had no idea what would happen once there were two people in the room at the same time with Jordan.
Jordan himself had been doing little exercises of his own. He kept trying to picture her standing in various places in his room, just to get used to the idea. He also talked about it a lot, either with me or with his mom. I had been watching him like a hawk the past week, but I never saw him getting uncomfortable. So far so good.
When the designated moment started to come closer, Jordan whipped out his soothing medication, and took one of the pills just to make things a little bit smoother – after all, this first time would determine how the second time would go, and we really wanted everything to go well tonight.
"How are you feeling?" I asked when he swallowed the pill with a big gulp of water.
"I'm trying not to get nervous," he said, taking a deep breath. "It's not going as well as I hoped, but I'm still fine."
"That's good," I said. "I have to admit that I'm getting a bit nervous as well," I chuckled.
"Why?"
"It's a big moment for all of us," I smiled. "The whole family is excited about this."
"No pressure, huh?" he chuckled, and took a deep breath, leaning against his fridge. "I'm trying so hard not to doubt myself..."
I walked to him and placed my hands on his waist. He looked up at me and gave me a smile, but it had a sad hint in it. "Look at you," I spoke quietly, moving my hands upwards on his sides, and then back down again. He placed his hands on my biceps as I continued caressing him. "If it's not going to happen today, then tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, then the day after that. It's just a matter of time," I spoke as soothingly as I could.
His smile turned into a happier one, and he relaxed. His eyes were shining at me, and I wanted to kiss him, but now wasn't the time for that.
"The thing that scares me the most..." he trailed off for a moment, and he looked down. "I feel like I can actually do it. Let her in. I feel like it won't be a problem at all..."
"You are afraid that you still panic?" I guessed.
"Yeah," he spoke almost silently. "I don't think I can handle it if I panic..."
"I won't let anything bad happen," I told him. "If you panic, I won't let you hurt anyone or yourself, okay? I'll take care of you, no matter what happens."
He rested his head on my shoulder and took a deep breath. "I'll be so mad at myself if I can't..."
"You are being too hard on yourself again," I said and hugged him. "It is possible that you panic, but what else can we do about it? We've been preparing for this over a week now."
He let the air out slowly and hugged me back. "You do have a point. We'll just have to see what happens."
"And we can always try again later. Let's just think of this as a test, okay? We are only testing if you are comfortable with her coming in. It's just like this morning when you tested... uhm..." I trailed off with a blush.
He let out a small laugh. "I'm sorry about this morning... I don't know what got into me..."
"You were curious," I smiled. "Mornings are usually normal times for guys to get curious."
"You're being too cryptic," he chuckled.
"Good," I said, and pushed him back so I could see his face. "It was a stupid joke anyway."
"Joke?" he frowned. It took him only a few seconds before his frown cleared out. "Ohh! You mean a hard-on."
"Yes," I laughed, and hugged him again. "But you really have nothing to worry about. I got your back," I added in a whisper.
"I know," he whispered back.
Later, when it was only a few minutes before seven, Jordan and I were getting ready to see Julia. She would come upstairs exactly at seven, and then we would see how it would go. Jordan went to sit down on his couch, keeping his head down to keep his nerves under control. I tried my hardest not to show any sign of restlessness, even though I was pretty nervous as well. My job was to keep him calm after all.
"Aww dammit..." I muttered, when I saw Jordan getting nervous again.
"What?" he asked, but he wasn't looking at me.
"I don't get to make any tiny penises today," I said, and he immediately started to laugh. "What? This is a disaster!" I continued joking, and he started shaking his head in amusement – mission accomplished.
"Yes, poor you. How on earth will you live through this awful day?" he said and finally looked up at me.
"I can't think of a way," I said, and sniffed dramatically.
"You know what – tomorrow you can make as many dicks as you want, okay?" he spoke to me like one would speak to a child.
"Yess," I said all cheerily, and he continued chuckling.
And then it was seven, and I could hear footsteps coming up the stairs. Both Jordan and I turned to look at the door, and just a few seconds later, Julia appeared behind it. She had a wide smile on her lips, and she waved at us in excitement.
"How are you?" she asked before either of us could speak.
"Good," I said shortly, and turned to look at Jordan.
He was still smiling, but he didn't get up from the couch. I kept a close eye on him the entire time he talked about our day, but he never seemed awfully nervous.
We continued chatting about Christmas and finances and Jordan's paintings – quite a few of them had been sold lately, which was awesome – and in time, the conversation turned towards our plan of the evening.
"So, how are you feeling?" Julia asked quietly, hiding her nervousness pretty well.
Jordan took a deep breath and smiled. "Let's do this," he said.
"Just remember to tell me if you're too uncomfortable," Julia said sternly.
"I will, but right now I feel fine," Jordan said. "I think it'll go well."
"Let's find out, shall we?" she asked, and stepped to the door. "My... This is..." She looked down at her toes that were right next to the threshold. "This is it," she said, took a deep breath, and moved her foot carefully through the doorway.
Jordan took a deep breath as well, wringing his hands together, but he didn't seem too bothered. Then, after a moment, Julia took another step.
And she was inside. She stopped to a halt, and I could see an array of emotions on her face. Jordan took another deep breath, but he didn't even have to look away! I was so happy I wanted to hug him, but I didn't move a muscle. We had no idea what would be too much for him, so I had to stay perfectly still so I wouldn't disturb him.
"Is this... okay?" Julia asked. She looked timid as she stood there, right beside the door. She didn't seem to believe she was actually inside, and that Jordan wasn't panicking.
"It's okay," Jordan said with a trembling voice – he, too, was bombarded with emotions. "I'm fine..."
"Good... good..." Julia nodded with a happy smile. "I... I promised myself I wouldn't cry..." she chuckled.
"Oh, don't you dare," Jordan laughed. "I'll start crying if you do," he added, but he was already tearing up.
"Look at you," Julia whispered, and placed a hand over her mouth for a moment to keep herself together. "Look at you..."
"No, no, no, if you two start crying then we're all crying," I spoke, making them laugh again.
"Okay, okay..." Julia let out a long breath, shaking her hands. "Let's just calm down for a moment. No crying."
We all waited for a moment for the strongest emotions to pass before Julia asked if it was all right to take another step. Jordan nodded, keeping his eyes on his mother as she took a step towards the kitchen. Then we waited again.
I was getting my hopes up. It was going so well. It was going better than any of us could've expected, but I didn't want to jinx it by saying it out loud. Jordan's posture was tense, so he wasn't completely unaffected, but he didn't need to look away either, meaning his nerves weren't acting up.
"Should I leave?" Julia asked, "I'd hate to ruin this moment by–"
"No – not yet," Jordan said calmly. "We're not anywhere near my limits yet."
"Oh, okay," Julia said and turned to look around the room. "Everything is just as I remembered..." she muttered.
"Yeah... That's kind of my thing," Jordan said, and laughed a little. I was surprised he was able to joke about it – he rarely did, and now we had this situation going on. Maybe it was a good sign?
"But that's new," she added, pointing at our Christmas town.
"Yes – it's the one Blake and I have been working on," Jordan explained. "Well, I've been working on, he's just been making dicks out of clay."
Julia turned to look at me. She clearly wanted to show me her disapproval, but at the same time, she was amused.
"What can I say, I have the sense of humor of a ten-year-old," I grinned apologetically.
"Uh-huh," she said. "You and I are going to have a conversation about what's appropriate to do around my child and what is not."
I decided not to tell her what her child wanted to touch this morning.
"Mom, I'm twenty-three already," Jordan chuckled. "I know what a dick looks like."
And what it feels like. I didn't say that out loud either.
She frowned at both of us. I knew I was in trouble now.
"So! Jordan is coping really well with you being here," I said in hopes of changing the subject.
She gave me a stern look, but then she laughed lightly. "Yes, he is," she said, turning to look at Jordan with a proud smile on her lips. "I... I can't believe I'm standing here," she added with a quiet tone, looking around.
"I... I want to try something," Jordan spoke slowly, and stood up from the couch. We both watched as he took a few steps closer to Julia, who was staring at him with wide eyes.
"You don't have to push yourself too hard," Julia said, looking worried.
"Could you two just please stop worrying about me so much?" Jordan asked. "I'll be careful not to cross my limits – I'm getting pretty good at it."
"Okay – if you're sure..." Julia said slowly, and Jordan took another step. "Just please, be careful."
Jordan ignored her and took yet another step. Then he had to stop and look down, and I knew without even seeing his face that he was disappointed. His nerves were starting to fail him. I knew he wanted to be much closer to his mom, even hug her, and that thought broke my heart.
"That's far enough," Julia said. "You're doing so well, sweetheart."
"It's not enough," Jordan whispered.
"This is more than enough," Julia said reassuringly. "Look at you! I'm inside your room! You're only a few feet away from me! How is that not enough?"
"Because this isn't normal," Jordan spoke, keeping his head still down. "I shouldn't be afraid to go near my own mother!"
"Honey – you are not afraid of me, we all know that. What you have is a medical condition, caused by a trauma you had nothing to do with," she spoke sternly. "Besides, do you remember our plan?"
Jordan didn't reply to her, but he lowered his shoulders just a little bit, and took deeper breaths – he was calming down.
"The plan was that I step in, and if you stay calm, I get to take a few more steps, stay for a few moments, and leave. It's been more than just a few moments, and you're standing in the middle of your room, not by the couch like we agreed," Julia spoke. "This is going much better than any of us anticipated."
"But it's not enough..." Jordan whispered.
"I'll come back tomorrow, and we can try again. I will have you back in my arms in no time, but we need to be careful, okay, sweetheart?" Julia spoke with a warm smile on her lips.
Eventually, Jordan nodded and took a few steps back so he could look at her again. "Okay," he said quietly.
"Good," she nodded, and took a deep breath as she watched Jordan for a moment. "I should go now."
"I don't want you to go," Jordan said.
"We will see tomorrow again, I promise," Julia told him. "I'll come to see you in the morning, okay?"
Jordan nodded again, and turned around when Julia faced the door. I stood up and walked to him while his mother stepped outside.
"Goodnight, honey," Julia said softly. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Merry Christmas," Jordan said quietly with a defeated voice.
"Merry Christmas," Julia replied, before she left.
Jordan buried his head on my shoulder when I wrapped my arms around him. I placed my hand carefully on the back of his neck, holding him gently against my chest.
"For what it's worth, it took you much longer to let me inside your room," I spoke. "I have the feeling she'll be cooking for you in your kitchen in a matter of days."
"I hope you're right," he muttered with a broken voice. "Because I can't stand this."
"I know, love, I know..." I whispered in his ear.