-Jordan-
It was about time for my mother to come see me for the second time. I was, if possible, even more nervous than last time. I had so many things to say to her, but I feared I would only get overwhelmed again, and lose this opportunity. It wasn't like I couldn't tell her everything I had in mind over the phone, but it was different to talk to her in person, see her standing right in front of me, hear her real voice, and smell her perfume.
And maybe, just maybe, I would be able to even hug her.
I knew it was too soon to even think about hugging her, but I also knew it was possible someday. All I had to do was to keep on improving, live one day at a time, and soon enough I would have a normal life. Or, at least I would be able to be close to people again. I had to believe it would happen, or it would never happen.
"Oh God, I'm shaking," I chuckled breathlessly, staring at my shivering hands.
I was standing in the middle of my living room. I had been staring at my clock for quite some time now, and as the minutes passed, my nervousness became almost too much to bear. It was hard for me to breathe, and since I was not used to having such strong emotions, I feared I would panic soon – and knowing that didn't help me keep it together. Thankfully, Blake had been there with me the entire time, watching over me silently, and the moment I spoke, he took a step closer to me.
I could almost feel him standing right behind me, and his scent soothed me. Blake was careful when he placed his hand on my arm to calm me down. I had to admit that it worked really well, and I could breathe again.
"Are you all right?" he asked quietly.
"Barely," I admitted. "I wish this would be easier. I'm getting worked up just because I'm going to see my mom..."
"Hey," he uttered and stepped in front of me. "Things you have been through... I think it's all right to get emotional in a situation like this. Anyone would if they were in your shoes."
"But I'm the only one who panics in situations like this," I muttered, and the hate I had for myself, and for my life, started to rise inside me.
"Baby..." he breathed silently, and it was enough to push that hate back down.
"I know, I know... I'm too hard on myself," I sighed. "I never thought I could be impatient..."
"We will never stop learning more about ourselves," he said with a smile. "I never thought I could enjoy a soft bed so much. Or hot showers in the evening."
I gave him a smile and rested my head on his shoulder. Blake placed his hands gently on my waist, and I could feel his lips touching my cheek.
"I'm so happy you're here," I whispered.
"I'm happy to be here," he answered. "And, it's about time," he added.
It was like an electric shock passed through my body. My eyes darted towards the clock that showed me I had only one minute left before I could see my mother again.
"How do I look?" I asked, feeling nervous again when I stepped away from Blake.
"You look amazing," he said with a tender glimmer in his eyes. "Julia will think so too."
I took a deep breath in hopes of getting rid of some of my nervousness, but it didn't help as well as I hoped. "What if I freak out?"
"Then I'll help you to calm down," he promised.
"But then I can't talk to her," I said, and the thought of it made it harder for me to breathe again.
"Baby, please, just calm down – it's not the end of the world if you get overwhelmed," he tried to reason with me, but I had never been fully in control of my own mind, so I couldn't be reasoned with.
So, it was probably the first time ever, when the time itself came to my rescue. I heard a hesitant knock on my door, and I forgot all about my insecurities, and instead, I could only think about the fact that my mother was standing right outside of my door.
"I'll stay right here if you need me," he said, and I took his hand in mine for a moment. Then, I gave him a smile and squeezed his hand before I let go of it. I took a moment to gather all my courage, so I could walk to the door.
Those steps to the door seemed longer and harder than ever, and I had to stop once to let my nerves cool down. I couldn't believe I was so nervous. I already saw her face-to-face! This should've been much easier this time!
I breathed in a couple for times, before I continued walking to the door. When I stopped in front of it, I felt a little dizzy, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. I pressed my hand on the door. "Mom?" I spoke, gathering the courage to open it.
"I'm here, honey," Mom replied with a happy voice. "I'm alone this time."
"Okay," I spoke, feeling bad about not being able to see my sisters, but I was also glad that it was just her this time. Maybe it would be easier to see them one at a time. "I'll... I'll open the door in a minute. I just need some time..."
"I understand," my mother said. "Do you... want to talk?"
"That would be great," I smiled. "How was your day?"
"Mine was nothing out of the ordinary, but you had a big day today," she spoke, and I could hear her excitement through the sturdy door.
"I did?" I chuckled. "I don't think it's my birthday."
"Might as well be!" she giggled. "You sold a painting today!"
"Really?" I asked in surprise. "Which one?"
"The one with mountains and waterfalls – one of your dad's customers fell in love with it – and guess what? She paid eight hundred dollars for it!"
My eyes shot right open. I was sure I misheard her. "What?"
"Yes! Eight hundred! I'll transfer the money in your bank account as soon as I can, so you can buy whatever you want with it," Mom said cheerfully. "I always knew that people would love to have your art."
"Mom, I don't want the money," I said. "You keep it."
"I can't do that!" she gasped. "It's your money!"
"Consider it as my rent or something," I said. "I think it's time for me to start paying for my living."
"But – but, I can't take money from you," Mom tried to protest, but I refused to take no for an answer.
"Of course you can. I'm an adult now, and I can't leave this place yet, so we need to keep this house," I spoke sternly. "This is my home too, and I want to do something to help."
She was silent for a moment, before she spoke again, "Well, if you're sure... I just don't feel it's right to take your money..."
"Mom, I'm demanding it," I chuckled. "It's perfectly fine. Besides, I don't need that kind of money – I just need food and a home."
"Well... Okay... You do have a point," she finally admitted.
I smiled and realized I wasn't feeling nervous at all anymore. "I think I'm ready to open the door now," I told her.
"I can't wait, sweetheart," she said with a tender voice. "I'll take a step back."
I took a deep breath and pressed the handle down. I waited for a couple of seconds before I pulled the door open slowly. I kept my eyes at the ground, giving myself a moment to adjust, and when I felt like I was ready, I looked up.
My mom was standing by the railing, just a few feet away from me, hugging herself with tears in her eyes.
"I promised myself that I wouldn't cry this time," she said with a smile, but her expression was filled with pain. "Look at you – you're so handsome..."
"Hi, Mom," I said, and I was pleased to hear that my voice was shaking only a little bit. "Please don't cry, or I'll cry too," I added with a nervous chuckle.
"Are you... Are you comfortable with this?" she asked hesitantly.
I knew I had to look away soon, but so far, my mind was under my control.
"I still need to get used to this... but I don't think I'll freak out," I spoke truthfully. "This is... not much different from using Skype."
It was hard for me to speak, so I had to talk slowly and take pauses to recollect myself, but it was still going way better than I ever could have hoped. I did look away for a couple of seconds, and it was enough.
"How are you, Blake? We haven't had a chance to talk in a few days," Mom spoke, looking away from me, and I was grateful for it.
While the two of them talked, I looked at my mother. The computer screen didn't do her justice – she was a beautiful woman, and even the lines caused by her age didn't ruin her looks. She had kind eyes and a warm smile, and I was happy that I could finally see them without the aid of my computer.
When the conversation died, Mom turned to look at me again, her eyes tearing up the second our eyes met. It clearly wasn't easy for her to be so close to me. She probably wanted more than anything to come give me a hug, and it was taking all her strength to stay still. I really wanted to hug her, but... too soon. There was no doubt – it was too soon.
"I'm sorry, Mom," I spoke quietly. "I wish we would've done this sooner – I just never thought I could talk to you face-to-face without freaking out."
"I believe you were right," she said quietly. "This wouldn't have been possible before, so you have nothing to apologize for, my darling. There is a right time for everything, and now is the right time for this. I knew this day would come. I knew that if I was patient enough, this moment would come. And here we are," she said and gave me a bright smile.
I returned her smile and looked over my shoulder. Blake was standing there with a small grin on his lips.
"You truly are a gift from Heaven, my boy," Mom said quietly, and I knew she was talking to Blake, since he blushed, his expression turning awkward.
"A gift that tried to rob you guys first," Blake muttered in embarrassment.
"You have given us so much more in return," Mom chuckled tenderly. "So, no hard feelings. And you promised not to mention it ever again, right?" she added sternly.
"Right," Blake nodded.
There was a small pause of silence, and my mom was the first to break it.
"Maybe we could do this more often?" she asked, and I turned to look at her again.
My heart skipped a beat when my eyes landed on my mother – I had almost forgotten that she was there, but what I felt inside was not fear, but joy. She was really there.
"I'd like that," I said silently.
Mom nodded, but then her expression turned back to painful, even though she was still smiling. "I should go now, before..."
"No, Mom," I said hastily. "I don't want you to go."
She took a deep breath like she hated what she was about to say. "This has gone so well. I really, really hate to leave, but I think it's for the best. We don't want to push your limits, right?"
I knew she was right. Every second was a battle for me, and I didn't want to lose control, not now, when things were going so smoothly. I nodded and looked down, feeling sad and frustrated and angry at myself.
"I can come to see you again tomorrow if you want," she said.
"I want you to," I nodded and looked up at her again, and I knew my nerves were growing thin. "Same time tomorrow?"
"Yes, I'll be here," my mom promised and fell silent. She looked at me like she was trying to memorize every little detail of me, before she whispered, "Goodnight."
"Goodnight," I replied, and watched how my mother turned her back on me slowly, hesitantly and reluctantly.
And then she was gone. I stood there, by the door, as long as I could still hear her footsteps, but when I couldn't hear them anymore, I closed the door in silence. It was a good thing that Blake was there for me because the sadness almost crushed me. Blake's warm arms caught me before I could fall apart, and I buried my face on his shoulder, finally letting my emotions take control over me.
"That went so well," he whispered in my ear, and I nodded, soaking his hoodie in my tears.
"I s-saw her... I did it..." I sobbed, holding onto him tighter than ever. "I can talk to her now..."
"Yeah – that's so amazing. You are amazing," he spoke. "You will see her again tomorrow."
"Yeah..." I gasped. "I've missed them so much... You have no idea..."
I was a shivering mess. A good mess, but a mess. I was so happy. I was so happy it scared the life out of me. I saw my mom, and I didn't freak out. I didn't lose control. I didn't black out. I didn't even break down until she was gone. She didn't have to see what kind of mess I really was.
"You are doing so great, my love," he murmured and kissed my temple.
I just cried harder against his shoulder, dreaming of the time I could finally hug my own mother.