-Jordan-
The day went by in our household just like any other, but I couldn't concentrate on my chores. I had promised to see my mom again, and this time I wanted more than just one lousy minute with her. When I looked back to that moment when she had stood right in front of me, I felt a little ashamed of myself. I had the opportunity to have a real conversation with her face-to-face, but I ended up breaking down.
I tried not to be too hard on myself because that small moment had been really emotional for me and my family. It wasn't easy to talk when my heart cried in happiness. This time I knew to be prepared for it, and I wished the second time would be easier for my poor nerves. I had gotten used to Blake in no time, so I assumed it would be easier to get used to my own mother, who had been there for me right from the beginning of my unfortunate life.
I smiled when that thought passed my mind. I used to call my life a lot worse than "unfortunate". After Blake had stepped into my home for the first time, I had learned to see the bright side of things. I was still twenty-three, I still had a long life ahead of me. The past seventeen years had been awful, but it didn't mean that the rest of the time I still had left would be the same.
"Don't laugh at me," Blake chuckled, and I turned to look at him. "I've been homeless for my entire life, so I don't know how to use this... this... what is this?"
We were in my kitchen, making salmon and potatoes for dinner. Blake was trying to help, but he spent most of the time going through the cabinets and picking up items he didn't know. His latest find was a hand mixer and he kept turning it around in his hands with a confused look in his eyes.
"You haven't seen one before?" I asked and took the mixer from him.
"I have, but I think those had some whirly rod-things..." He muttered, looking embarrassed.
"These?" I asked while opening a drawer and picking up the beaters.
"Yeah, those," He said and watched while I put the beaters into their places. "I know it's for cooking, but... I would laugh at myself too..."
"I wasn't laughing at you," I said quietly and put the mixer on the table. "I was thinking about how much my life has changed because of you."
Blake glanced at me carefully, and I gave him a reassuring smile.
"Oh..." he murmured and blushed a little. "So, you don't think I'm a complete idiot because I can't use your... what is this?" he asked and tapped the mixer.
I explained shortly how to use it, and what it was for before I took a small break and placed my hand on his, enjoying the softness of his skin. I wished I would never forget how amazing it was to be able to touch another person. Then I gathered my thoughts and looked at Blake again.
"I would never laugh at you. Me, of all people," I said and let out a sad chuckle. "If there's anything you want to ask, just ask. I won't laugh at you. You won't learn if you don't ask, right?"
He laughed and nodded. "Right."
I kissed his cheek, forgetting all about our conversation when I did that. How many times had I seen people on TV doing that, and wished I could be able to do it too? How long had I wished I had someone standing next to me? Someone who loved me and cared for me? Someone I could turn to and talk to and show my affection to? Now I had that, and there was no trace of fear in my mind, only butterflies in my stomach.
He gave me a goofy smile, looking like a cartoon character in love. I smirked and patted his shoulder. "Go wash your hands. Dinner is almost ready," I said and watched as he reluctantly left the kitchen.
I kept smiling while I took the salmon out of the oven and checked the potatoes. I let them boil a little bit longer, while I grabbed two sets of glasses, forks, and knives and placed them on my table. I had to stop to stare at them for a moment. There had never been two sets of anything in my home before... I touched the second glass gently, smiling at the sight of my small table. Who could've thought that there would be a time when I wasn't eating my dinner alone? Not me, that was for sure.
When I was taking two plates out of the cupboard, I heard Blake stepping out of the bathroom. I expected him to come straight back to me, but when I was pouring the water out of the kettle, he was still in my living room. I put the kettle away and peered into the living room to see where my boyfriend had gone, and saw him standing next to my see-through walls.
Blake didn't seem to notice me standing there, so I stayed silent and just admired the god that was now living with me. I could have stood there for days and just watch him. Well, my clocks didn't let me do that, but for now, I had a couple of minutes to spare, so I enjoyed the moment to the fullest. He was clearly deep in his thoughts while he stared at the snowy landscape in complete silence. I almost asked what he was thinking about, but I didn't want to destroy that moment.
I leaned against the framework with a smile on my face, but soon that smile started to fade. Blake had no expression on his face, but to me, he looked almost... sad. Suddenly he didn't look like a god any more – he looked trapped. Trapped like a wild eagle, who could no longer spread his wings and soar through the sky. His life was there, just outside the walls that kept me in my mental cage.
"Why did you stay?" I asked with a heavy heart.
"Stay?" he repeated and turned to look at me.
"Here, with me," I spoke quietly. "This kind of life isn't worth living."
"What's going on?" he asked slowly and walked to me. "You were one big smile just a minute ago."
"You miss your old life," I said, trying not to sound like I was accusing him. "You would be happier if you didn't stay here."
"I miss parts of it," he nodded, speaking slowly, "but not all of it. And I am happiest with you."
"You gave up everything..." I muttered. "For someone who's barely even human."
"Jordan, I have really strong feelings for you," he said sternly. "What I gave up was a pretty damn pathetic life, so I could be happy, have a roof over my head and people who care about me. And I don't see a tail attached to your butt, so I'm pretty sure you are human."
"You know what I mean," I said.
"Don't do that, baby," he said tenderly and wrapped his arms gently and carefully around me. "Don't think like that. You have come so far already."
"What if this is as far as I can go?" I whispered. "Could you live here with me forever?"
"Of course," he said without hesitation, but I knew he was lying. "I'll stay here with you forever if that's what it takes."
"No, you wouldn't," I muttered and pushed his arms away. "You'll just get bored here and start to hate me for trapping you here." I gave him a harsh stare, but for some reason, he was smiling tenderly back at me. "What?"
He let out a light chuckle and took a few steps away from me. For some reason that hurt me more than it should have.
"I swore to myself that I would never let myself get trapped in a relationship," Blake said. "And yet here I am. Things change. I have changed. My entire life has changed. Yeah, there will probably be a time when I get claustrophobic inside these walls," he paused and looked out of the windows, "...well, when the summer comes, but I have learned something while staying here."
When Blake had another pause in his speech, I waited for a moment, before I gave up and asked carefully, "What is it?"
"You can't predict future," he smiled. "All you can do is trust yourself. I am confident that whatever the future holds for me, I can handle it. That's how I survived in the streets. Enjoy the moment, and when it's over, enjoy the next moment. If something happens, we'll just have to have faith in our ability to deal with it. If you keep stressing yourself about the future, you won't be able to live in the moment, and before you know it, you're old and grumpy and bitter and full of hate and regret."
Blake stopped speaking with an enthusiastic gleam in his eyes and a wide smile on his face. He took a deep breath and his expression turned boyish while he tousled his hair in an embarrassed manner. "I mean... I wanted to say that I love you... and... I'll stay with you as long as I can because you are a truly amazing person... and being trapped isn't so bad after all."
By the time he finally shut up, I had no words to speak. I looked down, so he wouldn't see the emotions on my face, but perhaps he had seen a glimpse since he stepped closer to me and wrapped his arms ever so gently around me.
"Don't worry about me," he whispered. "This is the first time in fifteen or sixteen years that I have a real home. I'm not getting bored anytime soon, not with you."
"Okay..." was all I could force out of my mouth when I hugged my boyfriend tightly. There were a few particular words he said that stayed in my head. "You... love me?"
"Of course! Haven't I told you that already?" he asked, and I carefully looked up at him. "I love you, Jordan."
If he had, I couldn't remember it. He had called me his love a few times before, but I always assumed it was the same as 'sugar' or 'babe'.
"I love you, Jordan. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you," he muttered in my ear. "As cheesy as it sounds..."
"I love you too," I whispered, and saying those words felt more than just right. "And I love cheesy stuff..."
"Good," he kissed my temple. "Because I'm a cheesy guy."
I laughed lightly at his words and hugged him tighter.
We stayed like that for a while, embracing each other for a long time. I wasn't used to having so many positive emotions going through me at the same time, so it took me a moment to recollect myself. I wasn't even in a hurry to do so. It was nice to just be with Blake, with no worries in the...
"Crap! Our dinner!" I gasped and looked towards the kitchen.
Blake laughed and kissed my cheek, before letting go of me. "I'm used to cold meals, don't worry about it."
I stared at the salmon. How was it possible that I had forgotten all about it? I was supposed to be eating right now! My schedule demanded it! And yet... I had forgotten...
"I... I have only a few minutes left..." I muttered and checked the time. "I can't eat that fast..."
"Baby – don't panic. Just eat what you can, okay?" Blake spoke soothingly, but there was a hint of worry in his voice. "There's still plenty of time, just take a deep breath, okay?"
"No... no..." I covered my eyes with my hands, trying to focus, but the panic attack was raising its ugly head inside me. "I wanted to see my mom today..."
"You will see her, just calm down," he said, but this time he didn't touch me, and I was grateful for it.
I forced myself to sit down at the dinner table, fighting back my panicked thoughts, while Blake followed my every move with a helpless expression on his face.
"I can't do this, I ruined it..." I spoke with a high-pitched voice. "I can't..."
"Yes, you can, take a deep breath and take the fork, all right?" he continued speaking with a reassuring voice. "Nothing is ruined, you still have... eight minutes left, right?"
I peered at the clock and after counting the minutes, I nodded and felt how my nerves relaxed a little bit.
"Yes... Yeah..." I took a couple of deep breaths and took the fork in my shaky hand. "Eight minutes..."
"This is my fault..." he muttered and sat next to me. "I'm really s-"
"No," I interrupted him. "I... I forgot the time..."
Blake fell silent and just stared at me with wide eyes. I ignored him, so I could focus completely on the dinner. I took a small piece of salmon and a spoonful of mashed potatoes on my plate and tried my best to eat.
"You, uh... You forgot the time...?" he asked quietly.
I swallowed my mouth empty and stared at the plate. "I... I think... I kind of... yeah..."
"So... how are you feeling?" he asked timidly.
"I... don't... know," I answered slowly in confusion, and looked at him. "I'm... fine...?"
"You're fine," Blake breathed out and a wide smile erupted on his lips. "You're fine, that's good."
"I think... yeah..." I muttered and turned my attention back to my plate. "I forgot to check the time..."
"You forgot to check the time, and you are fine," he repeated happily. "That's my baby," he added tenderly.
I continued eating without even paying much attention to it. All I could think of was what had just happened. I had forgotten the time.
"Things change," I muttered and smiled a little.
"Told you," he smiled and started to eat as well. "This looks great, by the way."
"Thanks," I said.
"You're a great cook," he praised me.
"No..." I said and placed my hand on him. "Thank you for staying here with me. You have no idea... no idea how much it means to me that you... that you gave up your life... for me..." I spoke, feeling horrible for being grateful that he threw his life away for me, but I had to say it out loud, even though speaking was hard for me at that moment.
Blake's smile grew even wider. "I couldn't leave. I was going to, but I couldn't. I had to come to see you one more time. Like I said, I fell for you the moment we met. I already had a bus ticket and everything, but I couldn't leave."
"I wish I could remember the moment we met," I chuckled and took another bite of my dinner.
"I almost peed myself when you screamed," he chuckled. "Not a pretty sight..."
"I bet," I said and forgot the topic. "Aren't we going to talk more about how I just forgot the time?" I asked jokingly, feeling proud of my accomplishment.
"That was awesome, baby," he said. "I'm really proud of you."
"Thanks," I smiled. "I can't wait to tell my mom."
"She's going to be happy for you," he said and patted my shoulder lightly. "You should eat now."
I nodded and continued eating, feeling ridiculously happy.
"Look at you," he said with a warm smile on his lips. "I can't believe you still think this is as far as you can go."
My own smile faded. I chewed on my food for a moment, before I swallowed it, and put my fork down. "I don't want to believe I can get better."
"Why not?" he asked with a frown.
"Because... what if... what if I don't get better than this?" I whispered. "This is amazing, trust me, but... I'm scared."
"I know you are," he said soothingly and moved his hand closer to mine. "But like I said, we just need to have a little faith in ourselves, and right now, all we need to do is to enjoy this moment."
"And once it's over, enjoy the next moment," I muttered, giving him a small smile.
His smile grew wider. "Yes, exactly."
I nodded and picked up my fork again. Thinking about the future still scared me, so I decided not to worry about it, or I would lose my mind. I didn't want to live in fear. I wanted to enjoy the fact I wasn't alone anymore.