- REMUS -
Headaches were common after full moons.
A constant, dull pain; and a reminder that I'd shifted from my preferred skin into the body of another. The shell of a bloodthirsty corpse.
The side of me I kept locked up in an iron cage, restraining it's outstretched claws from the world.
A deep sigh escaped me as I made it to the seventh floor, and for the second time, I wondered to myself why I was heading back to the common room instead of making my way to breakfast. Perhaps I savoured that time of the morning, when all of us were together. Even just for ten minutes, it was a blessing I'd never take for granted. Simple moments in time. Quiet banter. Hangover complaints, homework discussions, or lack of, really. Mary moaning about how little sleep she got, and Alice rolling her eyes at me every time Sirius squeezed Marlene's arse and winked at her with a promise for more.
I turned the last corner of the corridor that lead to the next, where the Fat Lady hung on the wall - applying blusher to her cheeks. I fought the urge to roll my eyes when sudden movement down the opposite end of the corridor caught my eye.
"Mary?" I asked in surprise as she marched forwards, braids flying behind her and tie hanging loosely, as if she'd simply forgotten about it when dressing.
"Remus." Mary breathed, skidding to an abrupt halt. She scanned me with wide, frantic eyes, a sporadic state of urgency spreading into the atmosphere.
"Hey." I said lightly, my initial smile fading. "Are you alright?" I asked, concern washing away any sense of calm that the headache tonic had given me. She was now standing five feet away, panting slightly at each rise and fall of her chest. Her hands trembled very slightly by her sides, and those glossy lips quivered - as if she'd been running, or screaming, or having a panic attack for all I knew.
"Mar?" I pressed urgently, searching for any visible sign that could suggest the stem of her erratic behaviour. When she just stared at me, eyes so dark that they were almost onyx melting into my face like a hot brand, I took a single step forwards.
"Did something happen?" I continued quietly, scanning her tight expression. Perhaps things hadn't worked out with us the way we planned; but that didn't mean I wouldn't be there for her when she needed a friend.
She licked her trembling lips and shook her head once.
"N - I... yes." She swore, blinking once. "I don't know."
"We can sit down talk about it, if you like." I murmured, feeling my chest twinge at the familiar expression of pain she wore - pain, so similar to what I saw each morning when I glanced at the ornate mirror in the boys dormitory bathroom. I knew what that pain was; the self inflicted guilt, the constant reminder looming above you through each step of your life. What could she have done, said, or seen to have made her feel that way? So full to the brim of roiling, scalding hot self hatred?
"We don't have to go to breakfast." I added, removing my hands from my pockets and letting them hang by my sides limply. Mary's eyes softened at my words, her smooth face slackening slightly. "I know a place," I continued when she didn't reply, cautious of the unfamiliar ground I was now venturing. "On the east side of the castle. James took me there once, after...well, a long time ago." I paused, holding my breath. "I could take you there, if you'd like. There's -"
"Shut up for a second." Mary breathed.
I blinked in surprise to see that we'd unconsciously moved two feet closer to each other in the span of a minute. My mouth froze open mid sentence, and I stared at her quizzically as I slowly obeyed.
"Just...-" She paused, wincing, and took another step towards me. "Shut up."
We were only a metre away from each other now.
Planted to the cold stone floor my feet froze, and I suddenly found myself rooted to the spot.
"What are you doing?" I asked quietly, curdling dread settling over me like a cold blanket as Mary's eyes flickered down to my mouth and back.
Please don't, please don't, please don't, please don't I silently begged.
"Shut up." She whispered in reply, shaking her head.
"Mar -"
"Please." Her voice was hoarse. All I could do was stare at her as she gazed into my eyes with that pleading torment, face swimming with pain. "Please." She repeated in a whisper, clenching both hands into fists.
I didn't reply, absolutely frozen to the floor.
I blinked, and before I knew it her face was inches from mine - centimetres -
Mary raised a trembling hand between us, my eyes flickering towards it as she slowly, so slowly let it rest against on my shoulder. An awkward, unnatural gesture. Breath hitched in my throat and heart pounding against my chest like a metal drum, my eyes dragged upwards.
"Mar." I whispered pleadingly, resisting the urge to shrug her stiff hand from my shoulder. "I don't w -"
"Stop talking." Her voice was steadier than it had been moments ago.
My heart missed a beat as she stepped so close that our noses almost brushed against one another, her other hand lifting to caress the side of my face. An involuntary shiver ran through me at the contrasting warmth of her fingers against my cold cheek.
I opened my mouth to explain, to tell her that I couldn't, not again - that I valued our friendship far too much to ever put us back in the position of awkward conversation and clammy hands -
Her lips hovered below of mine, breath fanning across my face. I didn't have the chance to blurt out that It wasn't right, that there was no way it would ever work for both of us to be happy -
My eyes seemed to involuntarily wrench close as Mary's full, dark lips pressed against my own, soft and warm in the sharp cold of the morning. My hands were stiff at my sides, and I felt the rising tension in her own as she tentatively grazed my cheek -
The portrait hole abruptly swung open with a loud creak, and as if something had snapped inside of me, I jerked my eyes open and stumbled back a step. Mary blinked at me in faint surprise, her cheeks flushed and lips paled despite our...kiss.
I turned to face the five familiar faces that gaped at us from the portrait hole entrance. Pure, unrelenting waves of shock rippled from them as their eyes collectively widened - in realisation, disgust, confusion - I couldn't decipher.
My heart thundered in my chest, Mary's braids swinging behind her as she followed my gaze. I felt heat flood my cheeks and shamefully had the nerve to look away; 5 pairs of bulging eyes searching for an explanation in the warm planes of my face.
"I..." I breathed, mustering the strength to face her. "Mary, I -" Whatever words I'd been about to say died in my throat as I watched the final dull sparkle in her eyes wink out.
"Mary." I begged in a whisper, taking a half step forwards and hesitating before her. What was there to say? In front of everyone? 'I'm sorry'? 'I don't love you the way that I thought I once had'?
However my pause and lack of words seemed to be enough to tell her what I felt; and I watched helplessly, so helplessly, as a cold mask smoothed over her golden brown face. My stomach clenched at the agony of it, eyes tearing themselves away from her empty, weakened gaze.
A gust of wind by my side informed me that Mary had fled into the common room, leaving a cold, sad emptiness in her wake.
I was a bastard.
Guilt clawed at my gut as I raised my eyes to where they met Lily's. She betrayed nothing on her face spare from adamant shock.
"What the fuck." Sirius was the first to speak, turning to face the portrait hole where Mary had disappeared mere moments ago.
Silence followed his words as Marlene, Alice and Lily exchanged a look - slowly dragging their eyes back to my face in eery synchronisation.
What the fuck, I silently agreed. What the fuck was I going to do?
"Well?" The fat lady demanded as James quietly swung her close, turning to meet Lily's quiet stare. "Don't just stand there like spineless worms!" She continued irritably, lifting her hands to her plump hips. "What happened?"
"Mary kissed me." I answered hoarsely, cringing at the five pairs of eyes that flickered back to my face. It was quiet for a moment. Before:
"Oh."
Her voice was flat. I glanced to the portrait in time to see her flash Marlene a warning look.
"I could sense the tension, but I truly hoped she wouldn't." Her loud whisper was as effective as James's impressive bellowing on the Quidditch pitch; heard from miles away.
"What the fuck?" Sirius repeated, his words formed in the shape of a question this time as he turned to face me. "Moony?" He pressed, waving a hand through the air. His stormy eyes found mine, bold and open.
"Care for an explanation?"
"Shut up for one second and maybe he'll get a word out." Lily snapped at him, folding her arms haughtily. James shot Sirius a look as if to say 'I'd listen, if I were you'. Unable to find humour in the exchange, I merely swallowed, digging my suddenly shaky hands into the pockets of my school trousers. They felt so unbearably heavy all of a sudden.
The absence of Mary's lips on mine burned, and I could still feel her skin, her breath on my face as I parted my lips.
"I don't know." I said hoarsely, letting my eyes flicker from Marlene, who stared at me with her mouth hanging half open, to Alice, who looked as if she was struggling to find the appropriate words, to Lily, who was gazing at my face in profound concentration, and finally, to both Sirius and James, who looked about as nonplussed as I.
"I was coming back from the Hospital Wing." I continued when they merely stared at me, and I figured that they weren't going to drop it without a brief explanation at the least. "I went to fetch a headache tonic early this morning. Just as I arrived, she appeared around the other corner and..." I hesitated. "Well, she wasn't...doing very well. Looked as though she'd been running, her eyes were all over the place and she was slightly - panicked."
"Panicked?" Lily repeated, eyebrows raising.
"Sounds like the doing of heroin." Sirius muttered into James's ear. It was silent as Lily slowly turned to face him, and I watched in faint amusement as the laughter was wiped clean from his face. She calmly turned back to me, expression smooth of any smug triumph.
"...I think - " I gulped, fumbling through the film of memories that rocketed through my mind. "- well, I'm not really sure what...we agreed, weeks ago, to be friends and I -"
"You still feel the same as you did then." Lily finished, studying my face carefully. I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. Becoming uncomfortably aware of my surroundings, I shifted on my feet slightly and glanced around.
"And you're afraid that she's..." Alice still seemed to struggle in finding the correct words. "Changed her mind?" She settled, shrinking backwards slightly as I met her gaze.
I blinked.
"What else would he mean?" Marlene rolled her eyes, gesturing to me with a hand. "She kissed him."
I winced. It didn't go unnoticed by Lily, who's bright emerald eyes narrowed. "I think that's a pretty clear indication that she's changed her mind."
"I don't know." I said honestly, causing her to raise a skeptical eyebrow. "There was no... warmth. It was - awkward."
"On your side." James corrected, offering all but a shrug when my eyes flickered to him. "Something obviously fuelled her to do it."
"Perhaps we should go find her." Lily mumbled quietly, turning to Marlene and Ali.
"I wouldn't." Alice was the one who replied, shaking her head. "She'll need to cool off. I don't think she'll handle being caught, er, very well."
There was a brief pause.
"Shall we just leave it, then?" Marlene asked it as if that was precisely what we shouldn't do.
"What else is there to say?" Sirius asked no one in particular.
I inhaled sharply and shook my head, dazed.
Remembering our conversation from weeks ago, the clear understanding we'd reached - the mutual friendship we'd agreed on... I shook my head again, feeling winded to the point of nausea.
"I've no idea." I admitted, gazing at the wall distractedly. "I..."
"Let's just go to breakfast, for now." James ran a hand through his hair, meeting my eyes with a subtle nod. Here if you need.
And despite the gnawing feeling of guilt in my gut, despite the raising anxiety that coiled in my stomach like a nest of rattlesnakes, despite my aura of distractedness - the silent gesture calmed me slightly.
Slightly.
And so we went to breakfast.
The walk to the great hall was mostly quiet, if not silent.
Mary didn't come to first period, or second. At some point during interval Alice disappeared in search of her.
She didn't come to third period, either. She was absent for both lunch and our last lesson of the day.
Her seat besides me was empty during dinner.
Again and again, chrystal clear as if it had been yesterday, the words we shared repeated themselves in my mind on a constant loop.
"And I'm sorry if I ever gave you hope," Her voice had been soft, gentle even. "that while I did feel for you in that way, it was ever going to be more than that." Nothing like her usual brash demeanour. "I suppose I hoped it would be, for a while."
"Don't be sorry." I'd replied quietly, sliding an arm around her and tugging her into my side. "People change. We grew. I..." I'd hesitated slightly, wondering where the line was. "I hope this won't make things different between us."
"Not if I can help it." She'd flashed me a wide grin, and for the first time in weeks, I'd felt the pressing weight I'd been drowning beneath lift from my chest.
"It wasn't right for us." I'd settled, resting my cheek against her warm forehead. "I'm happier, in a way. Maybe...I don't know." I paused, scanning the star spotted sky. "Maybe it was never meant to be like that for us."
I'd heard her sigh faintly, as if in relief, before she replied with "I don't think it was."
...
- MARY -
Ten minutes in the room of the requirement had me understanding how Lily had managed to hide out here for almost two days when she heard the news of her parents' death.
Not that I could compare kissing Remus to that, but I'd seen no other option. Going to breakfast and facing all seven of them was definitely not an option - neither was going to glass, lunch, or dinner where I'd unmistakably be forced to explain myself, or even worse, so much as look at him. Returning to the common room for bed seemed impossible enough that I'd begun to consider camping out on the enormous L shaped couch the room had provided for me.
I dragged a hand down the side of my face, inhaling sharply as my eyes flitted across the swirls of orange paint across the high beamed ceiling.
I hadn't meant to kiss him.
Not really, anyways. The gnawing feeling in my stomach had been crawling higher and higher each day, and I suppose...seeing his face in that moment when I needed answers, when I needed the truth - he'd been there. Like he always would be. Thinking over it now, I understood that it wouldn't have worked with just anybody. I'd considered asking Tom Higgins on a date, a sixth year Slytherin who flirted with me shamelessly in the school corridors - but I knew Sirius would never forgive me for snogging a snake. There'd been no other option to test myself on, really.
No one caught my eye, I didn't feel that spark or the butterflies that everyone was always talking about. Unless such things didn't exist and my friends were a lot of rutting liars.
A small sigh loosed from my nose as I covered my face with both hands, wishing things didn't have to be so complex. It had seemed, once upon a time, that the world was full of opportunities and all I had to do was grasp them. I knew now that there was no such thing, besides from the shit you worked for yourself. Nothing was given to you, and nothing was ever going to be easy. I suppose it was the transition from being spoon fed by parents to learning how to fend for yourself as a 'young adult', or whatever it was we were at this point in our frightful lives. Expected to know how to live, yet smothered with precautions that we'll never make it far in the world if we want to be something as outlandish as an artist, wear no bra to work or have kids after the age of 30. Prejudiced societal standards had refined my life to a minuscule category of opportunities to make for myself. Perhaps I'd just been apart of the unlucky draw of kids - perhaps the generation five years ahead of me were already happily married with their Hogwarts sweetheart.
I bit down into my bottom lip, clenching my eyes shut as I sunk into the memory of holding him. The feeling of his lips on mine, his gentle trembling.
What he'd been trying to say, I didn't want to know. It was too late now either way - whether he'd been about to tell me to back off, or confess his love...who was I kidding? The conversation we'd had a month or so ago was a clear indication of what had happened (or not happened) between us. Things didn't work out, for either of us; but why?
Was it me? Him? Was it just not meant for us?
It was all a test, a constant test.
Today's kiss lacked in any warmth, any normalcy. It had been awkward, yes - awkward and slightly uncomfortable, but no where near exhilarating. Not like a breath of fresh air, as Lily had put it. Although I supposed no normal person was ever as lucky as her. Or Alice, or Marlene. A fairytale of fairytales.
I struggled to sift through what was true and what was not. What I had created in my mind, from hours of overthinking and smoking weed on the roof with Marls.
Remus was kind. He was kind, and selfless, and humorous - funny in a dark, quiet sort of way that most people wouldn't pick up on if they didn't know him well enough. He was intelligent, and warm, and everything good in the world. The complete opposite of me. His good nature and pale blue eyes could sway any girl off their feet, as I suppose I myself had been swooned so many months ago.
What changed? He was just as handsome to me as he had been one year ago. Just as lovely, just as sweet. Did I, deep down, want someone who was selfish and cruel?
No. No, I definitely didn't want that.
I huffed out a breath of frustration, furrowing my brow. All the the countless times that Lily and I had gossiped about how gorgeous the Beauxbaton french boys were was simply uncountable. And they were gorgeous - golden skin, golden hair, sapphire eyes and seductive smiles.
Lily hadn't commented on the beauty of the girls they accompanied, but Marlene had. I suppose that put me nowhere.
Hours spent on this same couch, with near to no progress. My chest ached; a dull, heavy ache that would not subside, but only worsened each time I thought of his name. And how it couldn't be. Wouldn't be, for whatever reason the universe refused to show me.
I grasped the nearest plush round pillow and shoved it into my face, letting out a piercing scream that would've made the giant squid emerge from the lake out of pure curiosity.
Remus was everything I could ever want.
Remus was soft, compassionate, gentle, loving, with just the right ratio of recklessness.
But he was Remus.
The true problem, confronting as it was, proved to be deep rooted so far into my heart that it took me hours to find my way to the bottom of it.
The true problem was not that he was Remus, or liked books, or helped me study, or brought me food. They were the answers.
It was that Remus could never fill the question I'd left blank for so many years.
Remus, with no faults of his own, would never be the person to hold my hand when I cried, to dance with me in the rain, to smother my face in kisses when I was sad and to push me up against the wall of my shower like there was no tomorrow.
No.
Remus John Lupin was...Remus.
He was him.
And he could never be her.
...
A sharp tap jerked me from the realm of sleep.
A slurred grunt of surprise escaped me as I lurched upwards from the velvet turquoise cushions I'd been drooling on mere seconds ago.
"Bugger." I muttered to myself, squinting into the pitch black darkness that engulfed me. Cold air nipped at my skin like pins and needles, collective goosebumps covering my skin from head to toe. I shivered into the side of the fancy couch, wrapping my arms around my legs tightly. If only I had one of those thick woollen blankets Alice had gifted us in fourth year -
A faint thud at my feet informed me that I had yet again forgotten I was in the room of requirement. Grumbling to myself, I grappled for my wand in the cracks of the soft cushions.
"Lumos," I croaked out, wincing at the sharp white light that appeared from tip of my wand. Towering piles of cushions surrounded me, paired with orange leather sofas, sheepskin rugs and a warm roaring fire. The very same tribal giraffe carvings that my Mum cherished so were decorated around the outskirts of the room. I rubbed my sleep encrusted eyes and peered down at the grey woollen blanket, identical to the one that had appeared underneath my Christmas tree three years ago. Unable to prevent my shivers, I slid it around my shoulders and snuggled into a tight ball. Glancing to the watch on my wrist, it didn't surprise me to see that it was 2:30 in the morning.
"Aw, fuck." I mumbled to myself, tugging my braids into a knot at the nape of my neck. A sigh escaped my lips, eyes flickering to the enormous double doors feet away from me. It was a wonder no one had come to use the room while it was occupied. Or perhaps they had, and the image of me snoring over piles of pillows with tear tracks on my face had been enough to repulse them into leaving.
For once in your damned life, I thought to myself bitterly. Stop procrastinating.
I grit my teeth, remembering all the times Lily had warned me and Marlene to study a week prior of our exams. She'd been right, of course. I never listened, choosing to instead chug from the bottle of whiskey Marlene and I had nicked from her Dad.
I dragged my legs from the couch, bare feet meeting soft sheepskin. After a few moments of struggling to find my slip on ballet flats, I managed to yank myself over to the huge doors. Getting back to the common room would be easy, I supposed. It all depended on whether Mrs. Norris fancied a midnight stroll tonight, or maybe if the bloody baron wasn't feeling so generous when it came to covering my tracks.
"Fuck it." I growled, wrenching on the golden handle that entwined into the shape of twin leaves.
The corridors were empty, save for scattered ink blotches from an obvious prank Peeves had orchestrated outside McGonagall's office.
"Procrastination..." I muttered to myself mindlessly as I neared the seventh floor, leaping over the last foot of the ever changing staircase before I was tossed sixth floors below me like a helpless manican.
"And so she finally turns up." The Fat Lady drawled as I rounded the last corner of the corridor, wrapped up in my blanket like an Eskimo.
"Gerbil." I scowled haughtily, lifting my chin.
"You need to tell him, you know."
I paused on the threshold of the common room entrance, staring at the back of her portrait.
"What?"
"Remus." Her voice softened slightly.
"I'm not daft." I hissed, but made no move to continue into the common room.
"Sooner rather than later, dear." She replied rather drearily, and I rolled my eyes.
"Pest." I muttered to myself as I stumbled over the red and gold threaded carpet of the common room, her portrait swinging shut behind me.
My eyes drooped as I turned to the winding stone staircase that lead up to the girls dormitory, when a certain golden brown head of hair flashed in my peripheral vision. I blinked, swaying slightly as I gripped onto the edge of the blanket wrapped around my body like a cocoon.
Remus was sprawled across the great red couch before the fireplace, his arm slung over the edge - fingertips grazing along the pages of a thick leather book. The corner of my mouth twitched at the strands of hair that had fallen across his face, fluttering gently with each breath. His hair had grown so that it fell just past his ears in straight flowing curtains, giving him the habit of running his hands through it all hours of the day. Something he'd picked up from James, no doubt.
My chest twinged at the sight of his smooth face, erased of all pain, any doubts, any worries.
With every fibre of my being, I prayed that he still felt true to the words we'd shared not so long ago. I couldn't begin to explain my behaviour yesterday, let alone kissing him - I cringed into the staircase at the memory, resisting the urge to groan.
What had I been thinking?
My heart ached at the prospect of giving him potential hope of something between him and I. It would never be, could never be - and he knew that. Had known that, until this morning.
If I'd somehow managed to sweep him off his feet with my underwhelming kiss, I wasn't sure I could hold his very heart between palms and not crush it with the two words threatening to rip from my lungs; the two words I'd been craving to scream from the rooftops since the realisation that had changed my fate in ways I'd never let myself consider.
Tomorrow, I said to myself - and slipped away into the darkness of the seventh year girls dormitory, where Ali, Marly, and even Lily, were sound asleep in their beds.
...
The sun hadn't even peeked over the the line of pine trees on the horizon when I woke hours later, the three bodies next to me still snoring gently. I glanced to my watch watch to see that it was 6:00 am, and almost snorted aloud. How on earth my body had sensed I should wake earlier today was completely besides me. An alarm clock barely got me going at 8:00 in the damn morning; most days Marlene was forced to toss the pitcher of cold water we kept on the window sill over my head.
I dragged myself out of bed and left the sheets unmade, crawling my way underneath the shower faucet long enough to rinse away the layer of cold sweat on my skin. I was dressed within minutes, and barely attempted to change my hair before departing the dorm by 6:20.
Remus remained knocked out cold on the couch in the cold, dark common room on my entry. With no one else present, I settled into the small armchair to the right of his head, hoping that the creak of the springs would wake him. He did little more then twitch his nose. I raised an eyebrow, remembering what James had once told Lily about Remus's sleeping patterns. He was either woken by the footsteps of a mouse, or remained unconscious to life itself until Sirius had slapped him around the face with a drenched flannel.
I sighed through my nose and cocked my head, scanning his slackened jaw and open mouth.
"Really?" I murmured, letting my shoulders slump. A few seconds ticked past as I contemplated how to handle the situation, before I leaned forwards so that I was perching on the very edge of my chair, and poked my pointer finger into his shoulder. Remus didn't so much as budge. Slightly annoyed, I pressed my finger into the soft of his cheek.
"Mmm." He mumbled into his arm, nose twitching slightly.
"Wake up." I hissed, jabbing him slightly harder.
Remus's paled sapphire eyes snapped open, and I slowly receded into my armchair - barely given the opportunity to relish in my relief. He blinked once and jerked upright, sliding a hand over the side of his face he'd been sleeping on.
"Did I -?" He scanned me confusedly, letting his eyes flicker to the open book at my feet.
"I arrived sometime last night and you were dead asleep." I said, watching him carefully. He held my eyes briefly before reaching out to grasp the book, sliding it close with a gentle thud. I peeked the title 'Jane Eyre' and hid my smile as he let it fall onto the cushions, shoulders relaxing slightly.
"Where...-" he hesitated, eyes dropping to his lap. A faint trace of pink seeped into his cheeks.
"I spent the day scavenging for food in the kitchens and talking to the house elves." I cut in, before he was forced to string a sentence together. I spied the relief that flickered in his eyes and pushed on, not letting myself drag my eyes away from his face no matter how much I wished I could.
"I slipped away to the room of requirement after dinner," I cleared my throat, wincing slightly at the guilt that coiled in my stomach for bombarding him, kissing him, and proceeding to then disappear for 24 hours.
I was an absolute bitch.
"I needed... some time." I finished lamely.
He nodded, seeming to understand in whatever way that he could. It was silent for a moment before he met my timid gaze once again, those previously sleepy eyes now alert and wary.
"I'm sorry." I said bluntly, wishing I could soften the blow of my sharp tongue. Whether he noticed this or not, I couldn't decipher the emotions flickering across his face as I continued. "I shouldn't have...I was a mess, and I took it out on the first person I saw at the end of that corridor - which just so happened to be you." I took a deep breath, staring into his hard gaze. "I thought that I might be able to confirm...what I was feeling, If I just -"
"Listen, Mar." He cut in softly, reaching out to grasp my hand. I stiffened slightly, but made no move to pull away. "I'm not going to pretend I know what happened yesterday, but -"
"I'm gay." I blurted out.
Remus blinked. He closed his mouth, face smooth. I felt myself cower back into my armchair as I waited for the shock, the anger.
I could hear the sound of the clock ticking in the background, a thundering, beating drum in my head. His hand was too hot for my cold and clammy one as the moments passed, lasting for what seemed like days, his smooth face becoming steadily clearer.
"I think." I added, gulping nervously. "I- I think...I think that I'm gay." I said after another moment of silence, very reluctantly sliding my fingers from his grasp. Remus's hand dropped to his side, thudding against the couch.
"I..." he blinked eventually, the still composure gone as he scanned my face. "I don't...understand - ?"
"I think I've known for a while." With my voice still a whisper, I suddenly hated myself for the tears that burned my eyes, my stomach a cage of butterflies and limbs leaden with nausea. "But today was when I fully...came to terms with it."
Remus continued to watch me, nothing but mild surprise painting his features. Not stare, not avoid my gaze, but watch. Respectfully. Quietly. So I continued.
"I've been afraid. Being black, I already get my fair share of disapproval from the rest of the world." I considered biting my own tongue, but something about the look on his ever softening face made me go on. "But black, and a lesbian?" I choked out a bitter laugh, shaking my head. "I...people like me aren't accepted. Anywhere." I added, gesturing around me.
"I know the feeling." Remus murmured quietly, and a small part of me crumbled. Yes, I was right to think Remus would understand.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, biting down on my lip. "I shouldn't have -
"No." He shook his head, wide eyes melting into mine. "I'm sorry. That you've been so afraid of what the world will do if you accept your true self. That you've been living in a lie, and that you didn't feel comfortable confiding in any of us." Remus's own eyes watered slightly as a single rare tear slid down my cheek, hands trembling in my lap. "I'm sorry that the world isn't ready to accept you wholly as you are. I'll never forgive myself for that."
"Don't say that." I took a deep breath, willing the trembling in my voice to abate as I drew myself up. "I could trust you all with my life. It was never about that. I...I was confused." I admitted, a frown tugging at my eyebrows. "You were so perfect, and I couldn't understand why things didn't work with us. I thought maybe I liked both." I gulped a second time. "Girls, boys, who's to care. Each day it became more and more confusing as I wrestled with the thought of it. When I realised that the school boys who Marlene whispered to me about in class didn't make me feel...anything. That as lovely, as kind, and as funny and perfect as you were -" Remus snorted. "- it was never more than what I wanted to give you." I sighed through my nose, scanning his face. "Yesterday, I - I don't know what happened. I saw your face, and without even thinking about what you might feel, without even considering your perception of me, of what it would do to our friendship -"
"Shhh."
I paused, inhaling sharply as Remus took my hands between his own.
"Shh." He repeated quietly, lips curving up into a tiny smile. "You don't need to explain yourself. I understand - I think. As much as I can." He added softly. "I was afraid that you might have...felt differently, changed your mind."
"I was testing to see what it would feel like." I said honestly, remembering the full feeling in my chest when I had stepped away and felt nothing but humility. "And I'm sorry. I couldn't feel any more guilty about using you like that. I wanted to see if I felt anything - for you, for...boys, in general. And then I myself was afraid that you would." I shook my head helplessly. "Or that you would hate me for it. Or be too embarrassed to ever talk to me again. It was stupid of me. A stupid risk."
"It wasn't stupid." He said gently, squeezing my hands between his own. I met his gaze, afraid of letting myself believe his words. "And I could never hate you, ever. Or be embarrassed of you. Never think that."
I grimaced in reply.
"It makes perfect sense." He went on softly. "And why you looked so surprised when you pulled away...I'm relieved, actually, that I don't have to break your heart." A smile curved up the tips of his pale pink lips, and I sniffled a laugh.
"Me too." I admitted thickly, brushing my tears away with a hand. He laughed gently and pulled a hand from my lap, patting the cushion besides him. Attempting to control the trembling in my lips and the shaky empty feeling in my stomach, I let Remus pull me into his side on the couch. My head rested against the soft of his shoulder, relief like I'd never known flooding through all the broken parts of me.
"I'm proud of you." He murmured, cheek pressing against my forehead. One of his arms curled around my waist as I let the tears fall; such rare tears.
"It takes a lot to open up to someone like that. Thank you, for telling me. And I'm sorry that you had to go through all of it alone."
"Thank you for dealing with me." I snorted into his shirt, smiling at the sound of his scowl.
"The others won't have any room in their hearts for even an inch of judgement." He said after a moment. "If you're afraid of what -"
"I'm not." I said hoarsely, shaking my head. "Not anymore. I think, maybe...It all makes sense now."
"Here's a promise." Remus murmured, and I could hear the slight grin in his voice. "I'll come to every single march for women equality, every single pride protest - for Merlin's sake, I'll go shirtless and scream for the rights of abolishing bras with you. Central London, you and me."
I laughed loudly, shaking my head against his chest.
"I think I would love that." I managed to whisper through my giggles.
"Whatever comes your way." He went on, and I felt myself squeezing him even tighter. "Whoever tries to tell you that you're wrong, confused, or too young to know - I'll be there." I was forced to hold in my sob. "We love you just as you are, Mar." His voice was so gentle. So loving. So accepting.
"Nothing could ever change that - especially not something as wonderful as this."
"Oh, you absolute sap." I whispered against his shoulder, feeling the tears re-emerge as he laughed quietly. "Thank you, Rem." It was all there was to say. "Merlin, I haven't cried this much since God knows when."
"It's healthy." He commented wisely, and I snorted.
"You sound like Lily."
A quiet chuckle escaped him, and I myself couldn't prevent my smile.
"Do you want to keep it between you and I for now?" He asked after a moment, raising a hand to brush back my hair. I let my eyes flutter close, relaxing into his arms wholly as he pressed a loving kiss to my forehead.
"I don't know." I realised it the moment I said it. "Maybe. For now."
"Of course."
"Thanks, Rem." I whispered again.
"Whenever you need me." His replying murmur was gentle. "I'll be there. Just remember that no matter how alone, how alien you feel, Hogwarts always has a place for you. And remember that Dumbledore's gay, too." He added optimistically. "So at least there's the positive that he won't be enforcing gay conversion therapy like the Durmstrang Headmaster."
I remembered the outrage that had broken out across Hogwarts when the decree passed - the hoards of students dressed in rainbow shirts and flared tie dye paints, prepared to boycott class. I don't think I'd forget the look of surprise on McGonagall's face when Dumbledore stepped in and openly confessed his part in the LGBTQ community. A smile tugged at my cheeks, followed by a quiet laugh.
I laughed again, and it was a joyous sound - light, euphoric, like no other laugh I'd ever laughed.
"I like girls." I whispered as the realisation settled in, pulling back to meet his alert eyes. I watched a wide smile spread across his cheeks as tears of joy, not sorrow, streamed down my face. "I'm gay!" I threw my head back and laughed some more, as what felt like the weight of the world slowly lifted from my shoulders.
...
- LILY -
"You don't think they're shacking up in the common room, do you?" Marlene muttered to me out of the corner of her mouth as we slumbered our way down to the Great Hall for breakfast.
I turned to look at her skeptically.
"Marlene, not everything has to be about sex." Alice reminded her, grinning at me.
"Oh, I know." She snapped, waving a dismissive hand as Ali and I exchanged a glance. "But take a minute to consider this logically -"
"Remus doesn't have feelings for her." I said objectively, lifting a hand to my hip. "If that isn't proof enough that they're not shagging in a broom cupboard, then I don't know what is."
"She's right." Alice piped in, Marlene's face fell slightly.
"I just think it would be so cute." She admitted, pouting at us.
"All I can think about is how disastrous it would be if we all broke up and the group fell apart." Alice laughed nervously. The three of us glanced to eachother, smiles slowly fading.
"Let's not think about that right now." Marlene waved it off, and I found myself agreeing with a sigh of relief.
"I'm sure they'll be talking it out." James, who had been listening amusedly, said. "I can't imagine Remus not handling something without a mature conversation."
"Not if it's up to Mary." Alice snorted.
"True." Sirius agreed, grimacing slightly. "They're such an unlikely pair, when you put it that way."
"I hope she isn't too heartbroken." Marlene sighed heavily, running a hand through her bouncy curls. "Not that we knew she cared for Remus still, but I'd say a kiss is evidence enough...-"
"We've talked about this so much that I can't even remember what we decided yesterday." I said flatly, shaking my head. "I vote that we leave it and let them sort it out. They'll tell us when they're ready. I think." I added, frowning slightly.
"Either way it's up to them." James agreed, offering me a small smile as he slid an arm around my shoulders. "We'll start worrying if Remus doesn't turn up to first period to submit his assessment for charms."
"Looks like we needn't worry anyways." Sirius jerked his head towards the Gryffindor table as we entered the Great Hall. I stretched onto my tippy toes and peered over Marlene's head, searching the sea of hair. Remus and Mary were sitting beside eachother at the end of the table, laughing quietly as they scraped their plates clean of breakfast.
"I didn't hear him leave." James commented in surprise.
"As if you'd wake up to that." I scowled at him, and he grinned down at me crookedly.
"As if Mary would wake up early enough to finish her breakfast before 8." Marlene said in wonder, watching her pour a steaming mug of coffee.
"They look happy enough." Ali said quietly, glancing to me. "What do you think?"
"They're not holding hands." James said casually, cocking his head as we watched the pair.
"They're pretty cozy, though." Marlene pointed out.
"But look," Sirius exclaimed in a girly voice, laying a hand to his forehead dramatically. "Their shoulders are touching." He rolled his eyes, straightening up long enough to give us a disapproving look."You lot need to get a bloody grip on yourselves."
The four of us exchanged a glance as Sirius stalked off, smiling rather sheepishly.
"Let's drop it." Marls said hastily, and followed after her boyfriend.
"Look who made it to breakfast." Mary teased as we slid into the Gryffindor benches, doing our best to pretend as if we hadn't just stood in the middle of the hall for five minutes to discuss the confronting kiss her and Remus had shared yesterday morning.
"Look who made it out of bed before first period." Marlene retorted, flashing Mary a wicked grin as she reached for the jug of pumpkin juice.
"So are we just going to pretend that you weren't all just staring at us trying to figure out if we're an item?" Remus asked casually, the words so similar to my own thoughts that I wondered for a split second of alarmed surprise if he could read my mind. He leant his elbows onto the table top and folded his hands beneath his chin, face smooth and smile reasonably warm. It was silent for a moment as we paused what we were doing, eyes flickering between Mary and him.
"Well," James settled as the silence grew, Mary raising her eyebrows amusedly.
"Are you?" Marlene pushed shamelessly, causing Alice to click her tongue disapprovingly.
"Marls." I sighed exasperatedly, letting my forehead fall against my palm. "That isn't what we were supposed to say."
"No." Mary and Remus said at the same time, both tones amused as they exchanged a snort. Marlene stared at them, her mouth slightly open and eyebrows clenched together in a frown.
"Look at them." Mary sighed, slumping her cheek into her palm. Her eyes sparkled as she scanned each of our faces, a small laugh escaping her.
"What's funny?" I asked sharply, raising a single eyebrow.
"Lily." Jame reasoned, rolled his eyes. I shot him a look, and he pursed his lips - shaking his head in silent laughter.
Remus was silent besides Mary, head down with a tiny smile on his lips as he stirred a teaspoon of sugar into his coffee.
"What are we missing?" Ali asked, glancing between them curiously.
Mary held her gaze, eyes brightening as she straightened up slightly. Her lips twitched as her shoulders pulled back, a hand sweeping the curtain of thick braids over her shoulder.
"I'm gay."
Sirius spat his juice all over the daily prophet.
...