All Of Me | A Jily Love Story

Chapter Twenty Three: Never Ending Nightmare

- LILY -

The days went on, the sun rising and setting - with Sirius and Marlene still unhappily single.
They were driving not only me, but the entire Gryffindor house, mind numbingly mental. Sometimes it was so painstaking that I found myself leaving the room, escaping to the library and meeting Alice there ten minutes later with the same excuse.
Each day I recovered a little bit more from what happened at Hogsmeade. Physically, It was like it never happened. I had the smallest fading scar on the centre of my neck, twinned with a large scarlet red line from where Bellatrix's blade had penetrated my abdomen. Each glance in the mirror sent a wave of fresh fury over me, the sound of her deafening cackle ringing in my ears on a continuous loop. However, mentally?
I hated to admit it, I hated the thought that I was capable of being so helplessly weak - but I was still piecing myself together, one step at a time. A repeated series of memories continued to flicker in my mind like a film, again, and again, and again. Then they entered my distorted dreams each night, reminding me that I was permanently tarnished; a piece of my stolen and crushed to dust.
I'd never despised a person more then Bellatrix Black.
Not Snape, not Voldemort, not even James when I was younger. No, Bellatrix was more than that. Bellatrix was the cold winds from the south, the sharp end of a blade, the dementors kiss. The plunge of darkness, the terrifying empty unknown. Bellatrix was evil incarnate.
And I loathed her. I loathed every single inch of her with my entire being.
I hid this vulnerability well, I really did. Majority of the group didn't doubt me at all, in fact, they stopped checking up on me after a week or so. Because hell, Lily Evans does not crumble. She doesn't weep, and she most certainly does not wallow in her self pity.
Despite this all in the isolating, cold early hours of the morning; the cracks started to show.
James would shake me awake in the pitch darkness, murmuring comforting words in my ear and holding me tight. My clothes glued themselves to my body with a layer of icy sweat, a hoarse scream ripping from my lungs as he wrenched me out of my living nightmare. Every single time he would hold me in his arms until the insurmountable wave of tears abated. He would hand me a glass of water and offer an ear to listen if I needed. He would make sure that I was okay, never staying for less then five minutes before heading back to sleep.
He was worried. He was filled with a turmoil of concern for my well being, and I could tell. James knew that I wasn't completely okay, but never said anything to me or anyone else about it. For that, I was extremely grateful. No one needed to know, because I was fine. I lacked sleep, and couldn't remember the last time I walked the halls without drooping eyes and purple bags -
a circuit of bad memories, and a few scars.
But I was okay.

Him and I both knew this was a lie.

...

I currently sat on the daybed in my window sill, holding my camera between my hands. I'd taken a few shots of the common room with James smiling clumsily from his armchair, the sun streaming in like a ray from the heavens. Then I'd taken one of my room, and of my window view - because I genuinely took the thing around with me everywhere. Sirius would always sneak photos of us all in class, and of Marlene's arse when he had the chance. Classic.
A quiet knock sounded on my slighty ajar door, startling me slightly.
"Can I come in?" I heard James's familiar voice, and glanced up to see his head sticking inside with an infectious smile that could light up any room. I held my camera to my eye level and snapped a photo of him in the doorway before he could move. A sheepish grin tugged at my lips as he rolled his eyes and leant casually against the doorframe, folding his arms into his chest.
"You alright?" He asked me after a moment of silence, scanning my face.
"Yeah." I smiled genuinely, watching his face visibly slacken in relief.
"We have the prefects meeting in around about 45 minutes," He continued, still scanning my face as though searching for something. "I was only wondering if you wanna go have a chat with Dumbledore about our idea beforehand?"
James uncrossed his arms and flopped himself onto my bed, resting his arms behind his head against my pillows. I almost laughed at how normal this had become, shaking my head at his lazy smile. He raised an eyebrow questioningly but I merely sighed in reply, placing my camera upon a cushion and flopping down besides him.
We'd come up with the idea of hosting a Christmas Eve ball in the great hall, for a fun night and easy distraction for the students. So many awful things were happening, and I was scared enough - imagine how frightened the younger kids were? James, all the prefects and I could prepare the decorations, posters, and food - students could dress up in dress robes, dresses, suits, whatever they wanted - and James was best friends with the houselves, who loved a challenge. He proposed the idea to McGonagall after class today, and she had approved rather enthusiastically to our great surprise. This was simply to navigate where our idea sat in the minds of stricter individuals, before we met with Professor Dumbledore to gain his official permission. (He was much more of a bubbly, jovial person then Minerva could ever be).
"Yeah, that's a good idea. " I replied, frowning up at the ceiling as I studied the intricate patterns of the wallpaper.
"I know how much you love to organise." James grinned, glancing to my face.
"Christ - " I muttered underneath my breath. "Sirius is going to try spike all the drinks, isn't he?"
James laughed loudly, the impact of it causing the bed to shake.
"I think every student at Hogwarts is going to spike the drinks, to be honest with you." He chuckled, his eyes sparkling. James stretched out his arms and pulled himself to his feet, extending a hand. "C'mon, then."
"Inevatible chaos." I agreed, accepting his warm hand. "Let's go."