All Of Me | A Jily Love Story

Chapter Twenty Eight: Beffudlement

- LILY -

Around a dozen fellow Gryffindors who hadn't gotten to lunch yet, or just wanted to skip, were trickling past me as I stumbled through the portrait whole in a state.
My hands trembled by my sides as I zig zagged through several familiar faces,  eyes focussed on the wooden stairs leading up to the girls dorms as if my sanity depended on it; which perhaps, it did. I would not let the terrifying news I'd just received penetrate my thoughts as I concentrated on taking the stairs without tripping up and face planting. My breathing was shaky and vision a little fogged, so I grappled for the hand railing and watched my feet take each step.
I prayed she would be here, knowing that she skipped third and fourth period. Surely she would have stopped by the kitchens, avoiding the hassle of waiting for the lunch bell. Or, better yet, perhaps she just happened to be alone up there reading her weekly cosmopolitan magazine?
Finally I reached the last level, exhaling sharply as I read the rusting Seventh Year Girls plaque.
My hand appeared sickly pale and shaky as I reached to turn the door handle, but just as the cold wood connected with my skin - it twisted on its own accord, sending the door flying open. Too shocked to react, I watched Marlene jump about a foot in the air with a hand shooting for her heart.
"Merlin," She exclaimed breathlessly, her shoulders slumping in relief as her other hand dragged through her bouncy curls. "You almost gave me a heart attack! What're you doing up here?" Her eyebrows creased as she scanned my face, hand dropping to her side uselessly. "Lil?"
"...I-" I shook my head, choking on my own words. My breath was ragged as I anxiously wrung my hands. "Oh, Merlin -" I looked up to the ceiling, slowly exhaling. "No, you know what, I can't even say it," I let out a hysterical laugh, hopelessly trying to stop my fingers from trembling.
"How about we sit down?" Marlene watched me in alarm, reaching  out both hands as if she were preparing herself to catch me.
"Marls, I need to tell you something," I said in a strained whisper, biting down on my bottom lip. I dragged my eyes back to her face, and for the first time in my life, I was afraid of what she might think of me. Marlene was my rock; my other half, someone who understood me when I didn't understand my own self. I knew that I could come to her whenever I needed anything, whether it be help hiding a bodybag or doing my makeup. But this? This was an entire other situation at hand that I wasn't sure I was ready to share. The weight of it crushed against my chest, restricting my breathing.
"Okay." She replied softly, recovering from my spastic mood change. "Let's talk about it."
"Mmhm." I nodded, inhaling sharply as the nausea in my stomach increased. "...Mmmhm -"
"You need to sit down," She murmured, her frown deepening as she scanned me. "You're shaking. C'mon." Marlene took my hand in hers, and gently tugged me into the dorm. I heard the door click shut behind us and felt my knees buckle from the pressure of the knowledge I carried.
"Oh my god..." I whispered underneath my breath as we came to a halt. "Oh my god, oh my god -" Marlene turned to face me, looking only slightly more alarmed than she had been only moments ago. "Oh my god." I repeated in a strained voice, staring into her face. She grasped either one of my shoulders and pushed me down onto the edge of her bed. I didn't bother to restrain her, my limbs clumsily falling into place. I let my eyes burn into the wall opposite, attempting to distract my thoughts with the poster of Jeff Conohay and John Travolta leaning against the grease lightening car. They were absolutely gorgeous; with their leather jackets and cigarettes, the gelled hair -
but they weren't James.
"This cannot be happening," I whispered to myself, staring at the photograph. "They are perfectly handsome - fit, beautiful men."
"Who?" Marlene asked mildly, and I felt the mattress sink besides me as she sat down. 
I tilted my head, studying the poster. Why do I look at them, and think of him?
"What, Danny and Kenickie?" She asked, cocking her head to see the poster from another angle.
"Mmmhm."
"Yeah, they're absolutely smokin'." She snorted, turning to look at me. "I sure would have liked to be Rizzo in that car. Your point?"
I inhaled shakily and pressed my palms against her quilted duvet cover, turning to face her. She watched me with a curious expression, face smooth of any accusations or doubt. I frowned, pulling back to take in her appearance.
"Are you alright?" I asked, remembering that she'd skipped two periods of class. "Why -"
"I decided I needed an extra hour to recover from the intense sex I had in a dirty broom cupboard on fifth floor," She interjected, a sly grin curving up the corner of her mouth. "So I wagged Transfiguration, too. I'm fine. Now, you go." She watched me expectantly, and her words were firm; she and I both knew there was no escaping saying what I came here to admit.
"Your turn, Lil." She reached out for my hand and squeezed it gently, her voice soft. "It's not often you see Lily Evans look so terrified. You look as though you're about to topple over and faint - or as if you've seen a ghost."
I let out a shaky laugh and bit down on my lip, eyes flickering back to the Grease poster.
"I just...-" I exhaled slowly, focussing on John Travolta's frozen smile.
"You just?" She pushed gently after a moment of silence, giving my hand a comforting squeeze.
"What I'm going to tell you is..." I hesitated, struggling to find the appropriate word. "...shocking." My voice was hoarse.
"I can deal with shocking." She nodded as I turned to face her, doing my best to ignore the queasy feeling in my belly. "Trust me, when my parents sat me down to talk five years ago I thought they were going to punish me for smoking weed. Turns out they were pregnant with my cunty twin brothers."
"It also makes absolutely no sense," I almost whispered, scanning her face. "Yet all the sense in the world."
She arched a single eyebrow. "...alright, well -"
"I need you to promise me that you won't be angry," I cut in desperately. "After everything I've said and after all this time. I couldn't have seen this coming, who could have seen this coming? It's absolutely awful -"
"Alright, slow down." Marlene interjected as I started to become frantic, my breathing speeding up to a pace that I was struggling to keep up with. "You're scaring me a bit, Lil."
"Merlin." I whimpered.
"You know you can tell me anything," She said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world that I didn't find Potter repulsive anymore. "Everything and anything. I'm here to listen and I promise, as your Bestfriend, I won't be angry."
"Really?" I whispered, biting down on my lip.
"Of course!" She rolled her eyes at me. "I've an ear to listen, and a shoulder to lean on if you need. Any hour of any day, I'm always here for you - you know that, don't you?"
I nodded, inhaling sharply.
"Are you sure?" Marlene's tone was slightly concerned. "Listen Lil, I know that since Sirius and I got together I haven't been hanging out with all of you as much but I want you to know I am still one hundred perfect here, no matter what it is or what ungodly time of the night you wake me up to cry and drink wine. And if you need me to take some time from hi-"
"Don't be ridiculous!" I interrupted in alarm, straightening up. "No, of course not! I am so happy for the both of you, and you could never be one of those girls that neglect their mates as soon as they get a boyfriend. It's not like that, at all. I swear on my life, Marls - I would come to you with anything."
"Oh, good." Her shoulders slumped in relief and she let out a sigh. "Merlin, you had me a bit frantic for a moment there."
"And the same goes, yeah?" I pressed, watching the creases in her face smooth.
"Yeah, I know." She met my eyes, a wide smile tugging up the corners of her cheeks. "Now - tell me, before you shit your pants."
I snorted in amusement, which turned into a hoarse whimper the moment I remembered what I was confessing.
"Merlin, it must be bad." She commented mildly. "Did you accidentally kill honey?"
I choked on my words and let out an amused chuckle, shaking my head. Honey was Mary's beloved cat; if anything were to happen to her, I would be banished from the group.
"No," I said hoarsely, wiping the tears from my eyes. "No...worse than that." I gulped.
"Good grief," She muttered underneath her breath.
"I...-" I hesitated, wondering if she would hate me for it. Laugh at me, even scold me? I reluctantly forced myself to meet her eyes, my breaths coming faster and catching in my throat.
"I, Er -" I exhaled heavily, staring into her light brown eyes that were slowly filling with worry. It was now or never; the words were beginning to pile up, crushing further into my shoulders from the astronomical weight they carried.
"Fuck," I whispered, unintentionally squeezing Marlene's hand in mine. I almost couldn't believe the words that were about to leave my lips; in fact, I was sure I couldn't believe them. What alternate universe had my world become?
"I'm in love with James." I said in a strained voice, clenching my eyes shut. A deafening silence echoed after my words for many moments. I snapped my eyes open to see Marlene's mouth slightly open and eyes so wide I thought they might pop out of their sockets.
"I'm in love with James, Marlene." I repeated in a whisper, staring into her eyes. "...I love James Potter."
I clapped a hand over my mouth the instant the words left my lips, shocked at the confirmation and admittance.
"Oh my god," I whispered, shaking my head. "No, no, no It didn't have to be true and now I've said it I can't take it back -"
I watched in fear as Marlene's expression morphed from surprise, to concern, to elation and mild stress all in the span of ten seconds. It smoothed to a neutral calm by the time the words I had uttered truly kicked in.
"I can't believe I just said that." I whispered through my fingers, running the other hand through my slightly knotted hair. "I cannot believe I just said that." I repeated, my voice increasing in octaves and fingers gripping at the roots of my head. I leaped up from where Marlene sat holding my hands in hers, anxiously turning to pace the length of the dorm.
"Oh my god." I exclaimed, my voice so high now it was almost unrecognisable as I paced so fast I thought I might trip over my own feet. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god -" I exclaimed hysterically, turning on my heel to pace to the other end of the room. "Oh my GOD!" I practically shrieked, reaching both arms out and holding my head between my hands; praying for it to all go away if I pushed hard enough.
"I love James Potter!" I repeated frantically, turning to face Marlene, who hadn't moved a single inch. I gaped at her as my body went into another stage of shock. My eyes clenched shut, blocking out the world. "This cannot be happening, it can't - I don't understand, I don't want this -" I began to hyperventilate, my knees wobbling and lower lip trembling. I could feel Marlenes hands on either side of my face as I panicked, warm and comforting against my clammy cold skin.
"Deep breaths Lily." Her voice was calming, and gentle. "Deep breaths, it's okay."
"No it's not!" I exclaimed hysterically, shaking my head inbetween her hands. "Nothing about this is okay! My entire world, has - has turned upside down! I could never have imagined this happening, I...I don't know how to feel, it's so wrong but so strangely right, and - Merlin, I think I'm going to vomit -"
"Lily, listen to me."
I closed my mouth and whimpered slightly, attempting to regain control over my abnormal breathing.
"Good." Marlene coaxed softly as I inhaled one single breath, exhaling slowly. "Deep breaths. Good Lily, that's good."
A strangled snort escaped me as I realised I must look like a patient from the brain damaged section of saint Mungos.
"Deep breaths." Marlene repeated calmly as I removed my hands from my head and unclenched my eyes. She watched me sympathetically as I let my hands fall, the panicked feeling that had tightened my chest easing slightly at her comfort.
I stared at her with wide eyes as she took both of my hands in hers, leading me to the edge of her soft bed. We sunk into the mattress, my chest feeling oddly hollow; as if I'd finally admitted something that had been pressing on me for weeks. But that wasn't possible, if I'd only found out today. I gulped at these thoughts, my mind going into a spiral as I realised that perhaps I wasn't as up to date with my conscience as I should be. This only increased the growing sensation of fear, threatening to consume me whole as Marlene gently rubbed my shoulder with a comforting hand.
"I'm in love with him." I said hoarsely, scanning her face. "I'm...I didn't even know it. I love him."
"Of course you do." She murmured softly, a small smile curving up her lips.
"What?" I exclaimed incredulously, straightening up to stare at her is if she had utterly lost her mind. "I didn't even - how could you -?" I began desperately, struggling to find the right words. "What do you mean, 'of course'?" I exploded eventually, throwing my hands into the air. "Why are you not outraged?"
She rolled her eyes and chuckled amusedly.
"Lily, I've been your best friend for going on seven years." I stared at her, trying to comprehend why she was so calm. "You'd think I would be able to tell when you're absolutely head over heels in love."
"Head over heels...?" I whispered, feeling as if I'd been winded. "I...need a moment to process this...how -"
"Don't look so surprised, Lil." She laughed, causing me to gape at her in what was most definitely surprise. "It makes complete sense to me," she went on, cocking her head slightly as she scanned my face. "You don't feel the same?"
"No!" I blurted out, throwing my hands up into the air. "It's...it's James! It's Potter! I hated him, more than I ever thought I could ever hate someone until I met Bellatrix. And... he's goofy, and stupid, and annoying and - just like Sirius! And Rem! He's - they're my brothers, I -" I shook my head, dragging my hands down the sides of my face. "It makes absolutely no sense."
"Not to me," Marlene edged, causing my eyes to flicker back to her face. She shrugged, continuing to rub my back comfortingly. "It's...James. He's goofy, and stupid, and annoying. But he's also kind; and he's funny, and he's generous, and he's loving."
"He is," I whispered, nodding to each word she said. "You're right...-"
"And you're you." Marlene said softly, meeting my eyes. "It's Lily and James. It just fits."
"That's how you see it?" I asked quietly, feeling myself frown.
"That's how we all see it." She corrected, and I looked up so fast my neck clicked.
"What?"
"Come on Lil, you don't think everyone can see it?" She asked a little pityingly.
"No!" I exclaimed, my voice exceedingly high pitched. "I didn't even know! I..." I shook my head, bewildered. "I can't - its like I recognise how I feel, and now the floodgates open and its all just collapsing on me. But it's still James, and I - I have no idea how this happened." I shook my head, dragging my hands down the sides of my face.
"I'm assuming you didn't realise until about twenty minutes ago?" Marlene asked quietly.
"Not even." I whispered, glancing back up to her face. "I've... had this niggling feeling. But I've been pushing it away, not even having time to recognise what it was. Was I lonely? Perhaps just horny? but love?" I shook my head, flabbergasted. "I remember every time I yelled at James for teasing me," I half chuckled, letting my eyes flutter close. "He used to run a hand through his hair and wink at me, saying 'one day, Evans.' I could never in my darkest dreams have imagined that I'd ever fall for him."
"You don't still think he's horrid, do you?" Marlene asked a little impatiently.
"No, of course not." I looked back to her face, studying the crease in her forehead. "He's brilliant, and..." I let my face crumple. "I can see, dozens of reasons as to how any girl could fall for him. It's not that, it's just...I feel cheated. And ashamed, not of him but more...Merlin, I was such a cow." I let out a long groan, flopping backwards onto Marlene's foreposter bed. My eyes studied the generic patterns and bumps of the ceiling as I ran over my thoughts, struggling to put them into sentences. "I just never thought this would happen." I whispered as James's face swam into view, that same crooked grin and cheeky glint in his eyes. "I was such a cow, I can't just turn around and go 'hey, by the way - after six years of thinking you were an absolute piece of shit, I've decided to fall in love with you -'"
"That's not how it works, Lil." Marlene interjected, cutting me off. "Sure, it's surprising to anyone who doesn't really know you. But there are students around here who've seen it from the very beginning." I met her gaze, instant curiosity bubbling in my belly. "Y'know, some people even have bets on you two."
"What?" I snorted, letting my head roll back against her feathered pillows.
"I'm not kidding," She laughed in reply. "Listen - you love him, and it's so easy to see why. He is brilliant; all the things you want in a lad. I'm no where near as surprised as you, dear."
"Which is why I'm struggling to accept it so much." I almost whimpered. "How could I have not seen this coming? I'm...it genuinely took my breath away, I fainted in his sodding arms."
Marlene choked, and I glanced to her in alarm.
"What?" She exclaimed hoarsely, clutching at her throat as she stared at me with strained eyes.
"I think I was having some sort of panic attack." I whispered, watching her expression contort in confusion.
"Alright, I need to hear the whole story." Marls said flatly, scanning my face. "What a day to skip class, Merlin..."
"What do you want to know?" I asked in a strained voice, staring back up at the ceiling.
"Start from the beginning."
And so I did. I began with everything that happened in the past two hours, and of all the things I'd silently been noticing - but locking away far far away where I couldn't allow myself to absorb it.
"And when I saw the hurt in his face -" I was now explaining, remembering the pain that struck James's features when he'd recoiled from me in shock. "- I prayed that I'd never have to see that again. Him hurting, because of me. It's going to kill me when I see him later," I shook my head, dreading it. "The guilt is going to be unbearable, and I can't even explain why I was so horrid."
"Huh." Marlene cocked her head an inch, thinking silently while I had a chance to catch my breath and go over everything that I'd just admitted. Good Godric, it almost felt like a dream. A very terrifying, very chaotic dream.
"I'm really freaking out, Marlene." I said after a moment of silence, my voice high and wavering on the word 'freaking'.
"Perfectly understandable." She replied soothingly. "When you think about the entire picture. The git who practically bullied you for six years and flounced around Hogwarts thinking he was better then everyone else, is suddenly Headboy. Not only that but he's your Patronus soulmate, and has had the decency to show you how kind, compassionate, funny and understanding he's been all this time. You've fallen in love with...this him. The real him. Of course that's going to frighten you a little."
"Oh Merlin. I have, haven't I?" I whispered, thinking that I wouldn't be getting over that sentence any time soon.
"What do you think you're going to do?" She asked as I stared into space, struggling to comprehend everything that had just occurred.
"I have no idea." I whispered dazedly, snapping out of it to meet her gaze. "Thank you," I continued in a hoarse voice, fumbling for the appropriate words and attempting to say the things that I truly wanted to. "I...was frozen, I didn't know what to do. For Merlin's sake, I couldn't even look him in the eye. I knew you would help, Marls." I scanned her face, feeling an overwhelming wave of gratitude for her. "Sorry for panicking." I added apologetically.
"I'll always be here for you Lils, you know that." Her lips curved up into a wide smile. "And this is exactly what I'm here for. To calm you down in the middle of a boy crisis. Which, by the way, I am simply elated about."
"This is going to sound weird," I began, hesitating slightly. "But despite the fact that this is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to me -" Marlene snorted. "- I'm grateful to have a problem that'll most likely distract me from everything else in my life. I'd rather worry myself about a messy haired boy than the dementor attack last Tuesday."
"True." Marlene agreed quietly as I sunk into her shoulder, letting my eyes flutter closed.
"Can we keep it between you and me for now?"I murmured as she rested her head upon my own, wrapping two arms around my shoulders comfortingly. "You can't tell the girls - not Sirius, not James, not anyone. Please?"
"Of course." Marlene replied, snorting. "I'm not that much of a rubbish friend, you whore. And I'm almost sure that the entire school suspects you fancy him anyways."
I yanked myself upwards and stared at her shock, causing her to throw her head back and laugh.
"Oh no." I whispered. "It's that obvious?"
"To everyone but yourselves." Marlene grinned, shaking her head. "Its the way you look at him, Lily. It's like...- bear with me, this is going to sound cheesy - but it's like he's your light in the dark. But not just your light... the light. The way you move around him - Lil i've seen him cheer you up when usually no one would be able to, including me. That is a hard thing to do and you know it."
"I have a short temper." I replied defensively.
"Your Patronuses don't lie," She continued quietly, locking my eyes in place. "Everyone in that classroom felt that spark."
I was silent for a many long moments before she spoke again.
"When're you going to tell him?" She asked, her voice dripping in excitement. I choked, and was forced to bend over double as Marlene continued speaking.
"Surely soon?" She went on idly, patting me on the shoulder with a hand. "It's too exciting, and you don't want him to be in the dark about the whole corridor thing for too long. You alright?" She asked mildly, raising a single eyebrow as I emerged.
"No!" I spluttered indignantly, staring at her. "Marlene, you seriously think I have the dignity to admit to my arch nemesis of six years that I've fallen in love with him?"
"Er - sorry, why wouldn't you?" She asked bewilderedly, pulling back to scan my face. "Lily, I - isn't that what you were intending?"
"No!" I exclaimed incredulously, watching her face crease in befuddlement. "I - tell him? Tell James Potter, that I love him? You've got to be kidding me, right?"
"No?" She retorted just as indignantly, straightening up. "Lils, this is so incredible! Now that you've realised, you can go profess your love for him whilst the whole school watches and exhales in relief -"
"Of course I'm not going to profess my love for him!" I cried out, staring at her as if she'd lost her mind - which perhaps she had. "Let alone in front of the entire school, Marls have you utterly lost your mind?"
"Wha -?" She began in a high pitched voice, cutting herself off midway. Taken aback, I continued to stare at her in surprise. "Lily, you realise that he's already there?" She continued as calmly as she could, but I could tell by the way that her fists clenched that she was holding back. "And he has been for a while now, in fact such a long time that it's rather pitiful."
"Marly, please." I groaned, covering my face with both hands. "I know what you're getting at so don't even go there."
"I don't know what you expect me to say!" She exclaimed. "James has loved you for longer than even I can  -"
"Love?" I repeated hysterically, spreading my fingers across my face to peak at her.
"Yes Lily, for Merlin's sake he loves you -"
I stared at her like this for a brief moment before bursting out into laughter, throwing my head back in amusement.
"I don't know where you get it from," I sighed, shaking my head as she gaped at me indignantly.
"What, so you're saying that he just fell out of love over the summer holidays?" She asked flatly, folding her arms into her chest. "Has this been your conspiracy? That the reason he's grown up so much is because he stopped caring for you?"
"First of all, he never really cared for me, you realise that?" I raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Marls, he was so desperate to get a girlfriend that he publicly humiliated me on a daily basis, If that isn't -"
"If he didn't care about you, why were you the only girl he gave the time of day?" Marlene hissed, throwing her hands up into the air. "The only girl he publicly humiliated on a daily basis?"
"That is so not true!" I exploded defensively, the thought so amusing I almost laughed. "Merlin, every chance he got Potter was snogging some girl in the common room - right in front of me, it was horrific!"
"Yeah, to make you jealous!" Marlene rolled her eyes, letting her hands fall back against her legs with a loud clap. "I cannot believe you're actually saying all of this, you're off your rocker."
"I cannot believe you're trying to convince me I'm wrong." I snorted, dragging my hands through my hair as I stretched up to my feet. "James - " I hesitated. "I loved him before, only I didn't realise it was more than my appreciation for his friendship. Ever since the beginning of this year, and even last year he'd grown up enough to hold a two minute conversation with no pick up lines, it's been so easy. Having him as one of my closest friends...he's important to me, I can't put it into words -"
"Yeah, because you're literally made for eachother." Marlene scowled.
"Look," I continued flatly, glaring at her. "Maybe, just maybe, I can accept that I have somehow fallen in love with every single thing about him - but I cannot, cannot accept the fact that the git James Potter has always been, could ever care for me in that way. He's protective of me, yes. Just like Sirius is, just like Rem -"
"You didn't see him after what happened in Hogsmeade." Marlene cut in quietly. I paused, turning to look at her.
"What?" I asked, taken aback.
"He was broken." She continued, scanning my face. "He didn't leave your side."
"I thought you all visited together?" I asked quietly.
"We pretended we didn't know about it, but he'd get get up the middle of the night to visit you with no one else around." Marlene said softly, watching me struggle to accept what she was saying.
"Because he was worried out of his mind." I explained indignantly. "I was worried out of my mind when Snape cut him up into a million pieces."
"For once in your life Lily, would you stop being so damned stubborn?" Marlene asked, shaking her head. "It's so clear to everyone but you. When you came in here and said to me that you'd fallen in love with James Potter, someone who I've been friends with for years and have tried to get him to show you who he really is - I was so excited I thought I would burst."
"Bu -"
"Suddenly my mind raced ahead to you two getting over yourself and admitting to eachother what you really want." Marlene let out a long sigh, shaking her head. "You two could be so great together."
"It's James," I almost whispered, biting down on my bottom lip. "I couldnt face it, I can't even face him. It feels twisted that I've known him for all this time, and suddenly, the way I've seen him has drastically changed. It's confusing, but I do know that it can't change anything."
"Please," She begged, reached out to grasp my hands as I met her anxious gaze. "Please Lily, give him a chance."
"I'd be mad to tell him." I replied quietly as his face floated into view. "I know you're so convinced that he's waiting for me, but James doesn't want a chance. This is one sided - he's not capable of feeling something like that towards me. And even if he were, I wouldn't tell him."
"I can't believe you're still saying that." Marlene said blankly, shaking her head as she held my gaze.
"It was merely a childhood crush." I continued flatly. "He teased, bullied - it was silly school boy antics, and now, when things are finally normal and exactly how I want them to stay, I find myself falling in love for the arrogant toerag." A heavy sigh escaped me and I let my eyes flutter closed. "Everything has changed."
It was silent for a long moment before Marlene spoke.
"It doesn't have to be so difficult." She murmured. "Look, I know that it's absolutely terrifying to even come to terms with, but if you just consider telling J -"
"No, Marlene." My voice raised as I snapped my eyes open, which burned slightly at the insurmountable waves of emotion threatening to drown me. I blinked furiously, turning away from her to face the wall opposite.
"Alright." She said after a moment. "If that's what you really want to do, I can't stop you."
"It is."
"Alright."
"Okay."
I inhaled sharply, willing for the stinging in my eyes to abate as my thoughts swirled in a tornado of confusion. Before, everything was perfect. It all clicked, like the last pieces to the puzzle.
But now?
I slumped back against Marlene's bed, clenching my eyes shut.
Nothing made sense now.