All Of Me | A Jily Love Story

Chapter Thirty Nine: One Step At A Time

- LILY -

With the holidays almost over, I could barely remember the first week.
Not the laughter, not the joy. My memories were all blurred when it came to the ball, Christmas and New Years. Was this what life had become? Was this going to be a frequent occurrence, now? Daily devastation?
It had been four days since the attack on the sixth of January. I wasn't sure how to ready myself for school again, in a mere week. The homework pressure, the teachers, NEWTS, all of it seemed suddenly inhumanely impossible.
Marlene had travelled via flu powder to saint Mungos just ten minutes ago, where Sirius was preparing to leave. James'd volunteered to stay behind in instead of waking early to accompany her.
"I'll see him when he gets here." He'd murmured, eyes barely open from sleep. He worried for me, that much was obvious. They all did. It hurt to see that my pain caused his pain - seeing my lack of sleep reflected on the bags underneath his eyes. James didn't deserve to suffer with me, his best friend had almost died. And as excited as I was to see Sirius, I couldn't help the other thoughts that clouded my mind. For example, the letter that I'd received yesterday of which been left, ignored and unopened on my armchair.
I now sat cross legged at the end of my bed, staring at the vacant space blankly. I'd been tossing and turning on opening it for thirty minutes now, and each time I come close to the conclusion of doing so, I'd somehow convince myself it was a bad idea. The handwriting on the envelope triggered a certain nerve.
I hadn't seen it in several years.
"Just -open it." I urged myself, feeling my eyes narrow. How bad can it be? I thought to myself. My parents had been killed, I wasn't sure much else could be worse. I shook my head as if to rid of all possible negative outcomes. Get it together, Lily. Petunia had lost her parents, too. She needed the support as much as I did, no matter if she was a stuck up bitch. No matter if she had a husband to do it all for her. Deep, deep, deep down, Petunia cared. I knew she did. She was my sister and I would always love her, despite her animosity toward me and my life.
I let out a groan, forcing myself to gingerly slide from my bed and crawl my way over to the velvet chair. How else would I organise a ceremony, anyways? I couldn't exactly do it without letting her know. As if she'd let me. Shall I turn up at her doorstep in Privet Drive and say, what - 'hey stranger, haven't seen you in about a year. Feel like coming to our parents funeral?'
No, the only way to get anywhere was to open that sodding letter.
Bracing myself, I reached out and fumbled with the crisp white envelope, taking a seat for fear of my legs giving out on me. I let out a quiet laugh upon reading whom she'd addressed the letter to.
Lily Freak Evans.
Part of me had hoped that perhaps she would be more respectable or kind, considering the circumstance. However It seemed that despite such tragic recent events, Petunia was still capable of being a downright bitch.
I delicately unfolded the letter with careful hands, finding myself surprised at the substantial length of it. Maybe I'd been wrong again and Perhaps Petunia was reaching out for help, in the only way she knew how - by insulting me.
I inhaled sharply. It was now or never. Glancing down, I felt my heart beat so fast I thought it might jump out of my throat.
Mum and Dad are dead.
I tutted impatiently. Oh? I hadn't heard.
I can barely think or move from crying so much. Some terrifyingly brutish man with a scarred face visited us in Surrey, bearing the news. He informed us that some 'minister' person has already said all this to you, but even so. Did he tell you why Mum and Dad died? Did he tell you how?
Well I'll say it all anyways, in case you aren't aware. A raging fire burned our home, to ashes, Lily. An impossible, non cause fire that started from nothing, in the middle of winter. Not a terrorist attack like the tabloid says. Caused by who, I wonder?
Oh.
Yes, your kind. Your ridiculous freak magic club.  I'm so speechless, that for once I don't even know what to say to you. I've never felt more plainly humiliated and disgusted in my life. I'm absolutely balling my eyes out while writing this, but Vernon has been so dearly supportive - making me a tea at this very minute, in fact. Not only were they murdered , but your 'lot' did it.
YOU KILLED OUR PARENTS.
You should be ashamed of yourself. You KILLED them both. If it weren't for you being a witchy bitch and going off to some crazy person institution, this wouldn't have ever happened! If you weren't apart of this 'magic' cult lifestyle, they'd still be here! Those people in black cloaks targeted them and our house, all because of you. You brought attention to them, you lead them to our home, you burned away the last of all my old things. You ruined my life.
I'm not just saying this all out of grief and discombobulation, either. I mean every single word.
They're dead, and it's all your fault. You are nothing to me.
We're having a funeral at rosepark church near our town, on the twelfth at 12 pm. I've decided that you're allowed to come, which you should be thanking me for. But if you bring any of those 'freak' friends of yours like Mary-lou or whatever her name is, I'll kick you out.
She hadn't even bothered with a 'goodbye'.
The air around me suddenly felt humid, like a thick and heavy blanket. As if someone had wrenched their claws through my chest and yanked my heart straight out into their palm. The pure hatred and anger radiating from the letter in my hand was enough to drown me.
"My fault?" I hissed through gritted teeth, scrunching the letter down into my clenched fist. My fault? My fucking fault? Oh Godric Tuney, I'm so dearly sorry that I was born this way, with dirty blood, the scum beneath society's shoes. I'm sorry that Voldemort targeted an ordinary muggle village, obliterating hundreds of Muggle lives, with our parents just happening to live there. I apologise that Bellatrix tortured me for an hour and then decided to punish me even more for merely existing. All my fault?
If she knew the half of what I'd gone through for being the way that I am, she wouldn't dare speak those words. I killed them? I'd tried so hard to protect our parents, for months. Since the beginning of the uprising. Perhaps it was never enough, perhaps I should have tried harder, but every single letter, I'd warned them of the safety precautions. They had known that a war was coming. They had known that my blood was dangerous.
I'd tried.
Angry tears streamed down my face at a rapid speed, the words she'd written sinking in faster than I could comprehend. No amount of apologies in the entire universe could make up for this. Petunia could never, never in a thousand life times take back what she said.
You ruined my life.
I could not sit in this room any longer, confined by walls, trapped and suffocating, unable to breath, think or hear -
Before I knew it my body was carrying itself from the common room, automatically heading out. Away, out of these four walls - air - I needed air.
"My fault..." I muttered to myself angrily, scuffing my shoes on the stone. And to think that I'd even thought Tuney might have a single ounce of remorse. Our parents had died, and if not even this could bring us together - what could? She only crushed me more, time and time again. I was an absolute outlander to her. Despite it, some of her claims had been almost laughable. As if I was going to come to the funeral without Marlene, without all eight of us. Those who she'd never heard of, which I'm sure would be a delight. Whether she liked it or not, they were all coming. If not for me, for them. I didn't think I could physically make it through the day without at least one sane person there, anyways.
I let out an angry, frustrated noise as I paced the hallways, my head bursting. I was utterly overwhelmed; both furious and devastated simultaneously.
"My fault...?" I laughed to myself darkly, shaking my head.
Moments later, I found myself stumbling over the threshold of the front castle doors. I paused at the front step, absorbing the breathtaking view that never failed to astound me. The morning glow of the sun reached out for me, begging me to accept her embrace as she kissed the tree tops. Hogwarts' beauty even managed to temporarily wrench my thoughts from that dreaded letter. That was, until, I glanced down to my shaking fist and saw the crumpled paper between my clammy fingers. A weak sob escaped me, and I tore my gaze away, forcing myself to stride hastily across the rolling lawns. The morning frost crunched beneath my feet, drenching through my Ugboots and woolly socks. I found myself not caring.
She blamed me. She actually blamed me. Not only was she very, very reluctant to even inviting me to the funeral, but Petunia blamed me for our parents death's.
And Vermin, Petunia's stupid Husband Vernon bloody Dursley. Vernon this, Vernon that - Mum and I had always hated him, despite what Dad said. He was the most opposite of 'Evans' one could possibly get.
If my heart had been broken before, it was completely shattered now.
I gradually neared my usual spot by the lake, the sun just beginning to peek over the horizon in greeting. My body shook with an entirely new relapse of tears, which had become a daily practice so it seemed. It shocked me, the amount of salt and water that my body contained and released. After days, I was still not empty. My bones ached from it, the constant shudder of sobs. Maybe it was from years of suppressing my tears, letting not even an ounce of pain show. Perhaps this was making up for a lifetime of putting up a front. Somehow, being brave was biting me in the arse.
I slid to the floor in a clearing where the snow had melted, not even minding the cold that nipped at my skin. I sat in the same flared trackpants and sweater that I'd been in for days now, not bothering to find clean clothes, as if that even mattered these days.
The fresh, freezing around me was was almost comforting, unlike the letter in palm. It was icy in an entirely different way.
I dragged my eyes back to the page, my fist unclenching. Slowly, I reread the letter, my tears now smudging her awful, hatred laced words. I'd expected it to hurt hurt less the second time around, but they stung twice as much. Like a knife spearing right through my heart. I read it again, and again, and again. I sat there in the cold grass for so long, that by the time a small approaching crunch of grass in the near distance made me look up in surprise, the sun had risen fully in the sky.
My eyes found a pair of black boots, then ripped jeans, a muscled body, that very same leather jacket -
I gasped, the continued flow of tears that flooded down my cheeks increasing rapidly. I stumbled to my feet, brushing the hair from my face and hastily wiping my cheeks dry.
"Sirius." I said hoarsely to the man that stood before me, his dark hair pulled back into a knot and grey eyes shadowed with demons that I'd always been too afraid to question. He was here. He had made it, he was alive, and he was here. That was one good thing, at least.
"Sirius." I repeated in a whisper, covering my mouth with a hand and letting out a strangled, relieved sort of laugh. A tiny smile tugged at the corner his bottom heavy lips.
"Hey, Ginge."
"You're okay." I gasped, scanning his drawn face, paler than usual. "You're fine, you're healed -"
"Course I am." He murmured with a little grin that didn't reach his eyes. I smiled widely through my stream of tears, laughing for the first time in days. I laughed again, stumbling forward to leap forwards into his arms. He staggered at the sudden embrace, laughing quietly in my ear as I buried my face into his warm shoulder.
Sirius had always hated hugs. But I knew that James had turned him soft over the years. These past few months had given him plenty of time to warm up to me, and I still remembered the first time he'd hugged me when James was in the hospital wing. I'd been crying, and he'd been screaming, and when we were the only two left awake he pulled me into his arms so tightly I couldn't breath.
Sirius spun me around in a circle, the morning sunlight shining a spotlight on us over the frosty treetops. I squeezed him tight, half laughing half crying into his shoulder. He set me down gently, pulling away to wipe my cheek.
"I'm unbeatable, even by death." He gave me his favoured smirk and I laughed even harder, tears still streaming. "I simply wouldn't die so easily, Evans."
"That's what I said." I whispered. He smiled down at me, his stormy grey eyes crinkling as I pulled
back farther to scan his face.
"You're truly okay?" I murmured. He nodded, stuffing both hands into his pockets with a shrug. "Got a gnarly scar to tell the tale, maybe some extra red meat dinners here and there. But I'm good as gold, Ginge." He grinned widely, those eyes twinkling with joy. How I admired that characteristic. Being able to find joy, and laughter, even in the darkest of times.
"It's so different here without you." I murmured thickly, glancing up to the birds that flew amongst surrounding branches, singing their morning song. The morning sun light hit the surface of the lake, like pools of golden honey. It reminded me of James's eyes.
"It's good to have you back, Sirius."
I felt his hand snake around my shoulders and glanced back up to his smoky eyes. His chin was coated in stubble, hair a little more unkempt then usual, but Sirius could never lack in that arrogant swagger he praised so dearly. Even in death, Sirius was a stubborn wanker.
"How did you find me?"
He tilted his head, scanning my face. "James was in a bit of a tizz, said you hadn't left a note or anything." My stomach coiled with guilt. "But I told him not to worry." He added, frowning at me. "Don't feel bad for getting some fresh air, Ginge. I knew you'd be around here somewhere. This is our favourite place."
I nodded slowly and took a seat upon the grass again, Sirius copying me and folding his legs.
"How are you doing, Lil?" He asked softly, giving my knee a gentle squeeze. "I heard that...you were very close to them."
I nodded. "I was." I sniffed, wiping my nose with my sleeve and shrugging. "There aren't words to explain it. I only really cry and eat these days. I don't think James really knows what to do with me, I'm surprised he can bear to hang around me at all."
"Don't say that." Sirius said rather sharply. "You're grieving, It's completely natural. And you're dealing with it all so well already."
I snorted. "I would hardly say that."
"What I mean," he pushed past. "Is that you're showing emotion. That's incredible. Most people stay in denial, go into shock and don't come out for days - even weeks."
I gulped, wondering what would have happened if I had stayed in the room of requirement longer. Perhaps i'd been close to that brink - too close. I took a moment now to appreciate just how grateful I was for leaving that tear filled room.
"I guess."
Sirius sighed deeply, gazing out upon the water. "I'm talking too much about it, aren't I? I'm sorry. I'm not very good with these things."
I laughed quietly, picking at the daisies by my feet. "You're doing much better then you think. And no - it's good. I think it's important for me to express how I'm feeling about it all. Even if it...seems impossible." I sniffled slightly, glancing back down to the hand still clenching onto Petunia's letter.
You are nothing to me.
"What's that?" Sirius asked quietly, following my gaze. I tensed slightly, my eyes burning at the memory of Petunia's ice coated words. I felt the warmth of his body relax me, and paused. I could trust Sirius with my life. This was something that he of all people, would understand.
"Petunia," I began thickly, clearing my throat. "Had a few things to, er - say to me."
"Petunia?" Sirius asked, his tone coated in confusion. I forget that most don't know of my sister's name, as I avoid the topic as frequently as possible. His eyebrows creased. "Your -"
"Sister." I finished flatly, gazing up into the tinged sky. "Yeah, her."
"Still on bad terms, huh?" He asked, his frown deepening. I laughed bitterly, shaking my head.
"You've no idea." I murmured quietly, my thoughts racing.
You killed our parents.
"...Do you want to talk about it?" He asked me after a few moments of silence. I cocked my head, considering.
"There's not much point." I admitted, my voice breaking slightly. "Nothing I can really do about it." My throat closed up, the burning in my eyes overflowing for the millionth time. Sirius watched me silently, the hand on my knee tightening.
"She hates me, Sirius." I managed to say hoarsely. "Everything about me." A tear slid down my cheek, and all of a sudden I was crying in earnest. I felt Sirius wrap both of his broad arms around me, pulling me into his chest as my shoulders racked with sobs. He stroked my hair soothingly, his presence warm and familiar; safe. In a brotherly type of way that was still so unfamiliar to me.
"She's treated me like shit time and time again, ever since we found out I was a witch." I felt my throat bob as I choked the words out. "Sure, I was mean back to her, but - her words hit differently. She meant them with everything she had. Sh- she despises me."
Sirius listened to me patiently while I blabbed on, his arms a barricade around my fragile body. I pulled back a little to lift the letter, my hand trembling. "See for yourself."
I watched Sirius's eyes narrow as they scanned the page, his lips whitening in pure rage. I'd seen that expression only once, and it had been when Bellatrix'd ambushed us at Hogsmeade. It scared me more then I'd ever admit.
His hand shook slightly, mocking mine, as he dragged his narrowed eyes back to mine.
"You're not actually taking any of that in, are you?" He asked me calmly. I knew him well enough to sense that a crashing sea of anger boiled just beneath the surface of his placidity.
I shook my head, sniffling. "I...part of me is. She's completely uneducated about everything about our world, she's refused to listen for seven years." I exhaled, emptying my lungs. "Doesn't mean those words don't strike hard. If it was Bellatrix -" I gulped audibly. "I can't help but feel that I could have lead them to my parents. It could've been he-her...all because of my blood, because she's angry that I got away in Hogsmeade. And my own sister, saying that? I thought that maybe our pa-parents' deaths would make her understand that we need eachother in this mess. But she's pushed me away more than ever now, going so far as to say tha-that I killed them -" I stopped midsentence, hating the way my voice broke. Sirius pulled away, turning to face me directly. He was scowling deeply, his eyes darker then the depths of the black lake as they scanned my face.
"Don't you think it for a sodding second." He said quietly, face white with rage. "No one can know these things. What they did was horrifying, and whether it was because of your blood or not - that is not your guilt to take. You loved them, and you protected them, there's absolutely nothing else you could have done to prevent this. It was spontaneous." His voice became hoarse. "There aren't plan of actions for these types of things, Lily. Deatheaters destroy what they can and don't look back."
"But did I do enough?" I whispered, more to myself then him.
"Don't blame yourself for a death you couldn't do anything to prevent, Lily." Sirius murmured, staring at me so intensely that I was almost taken aback. "Some things happen that we can't explain. Your sister's words, hurtful as they are, it's all bullshit. What could you have possibly done?"
I didn't reply.
"Exactly." He let out a long deep sigh, his grip around my shoulders tightening once more. "Fuck her, Lily. Fuck her. And when it comes to strained sibling relationships, believe me, I know a thing or two."
I glanced up to him, noting the concern that danced in those strong grey eyes. He gazed over the treetops, eyebrows pulling together into a frown.
"Regulus was innocent." He began softly. "My parents used to lock me in my room for 'practicing Gryffindor traits' and 'mingling with bloodtraitor scum.' Reg used to hide meals for me, cover for me. He was the perfect son, modest and able, never stepped a toe out of line. Unlike me, but I would pay for it, and he'd constantly tell me how stupid I was." He shook his head, memories I couldn't see flickering in his shadowed eyes. "Reg knew exactly how to act. But he was completely vulnerable to our family. So when our parents convinced him to recruit with Voldemort, join his forces - he didn't even put up an argument." I waited with baited breath as Sirius breathed in deeply, still scanning the skies. I'd never heard Sirius speak of his family before. He'd barely even talked freely to the boys about it, choosing to crack jokes rather then mope. Sirius had always kept his emotions locked far, far away, and I felt my heart swell at the fact that he was choosing to open up to me, of all people.
"He would tell me there was no other way for him, that he didn't have a choice. I'd never understood it, because I was living breathing proof." He shook his head. "When I left the house, that's when shit got really bad. He stopped talking to me altogether. Even at school, I haven't had a conversation with him in months, since the beginning of the year. And he'd been such a wreck, he was almost crying."
I felt my eyes sting with an entirely new set of tears for Sirius and his brother, both trying to escape the Black legacy yet somehow fighting on different sides.
"I've been trying ever since to convince him to join our side, even become a spy." Sirius continued, loosing a breath. "He didn't have much to say about it, even James tried to help me. It wasn't up until recently, those few months ago that he admitted he's truly stuck in. Branded and everything. He said these awful, awful things to me, things that made me want to crumble into a hole and never get out again."
Regulus was branded with a dark mark. Two handsome Black brothers, born one year apart and the mirror image of eachother. Two sides of one coin. Good, vs evil.
"James... he's talked me away from ledges, all through this. Even welcoming me home. I never thought I'd see the day I spoke to someone about all this, but here I am." Sirius loosed a deep breath. "Ah - anyways. Reg became this, new person. It's life or death now, and if he doesn't obey, well. That's it for him."
I exhaled heavily, shaking my head in shock. After all this time? It hurt to imagine a starving fifteen year old Sirius, locked up and hidden amongst his room of Scarlet banners, being punished for something he was so inexplicably proud of. I couldn't help notice the fact that he had referred to his parents place as 'the house', meanwhile James's as 'home'. It warmed my heart and split it in two at the same. I'd suspected Voldemort's utmost praise from the immediate Black family, but going so far as to be branded...
"I'm so sorry, Sirius." I murmured, wiping the tears from my cheek. "I knew it was bad, but..."
"Not that bad, huh?" He laughed quietly, shrugging. "Ah, well. Point is - I understand what it's like, to have a sibling but not really have them, at the same time. I've tried to help him, but it's kind of passed that point. I think Reg hates me, too."
We were silent for a few moments, the birds song filling the quiet atmosphere.
"I think Petunia's too far gone, as well." I admitted thickly, scanning his paled face. Sirius was truly handsome, even pale with exhaustion. With a straight nose, one of those filmstar jaws and dark grey eyes of mystery. But he was broken, too.
"Maybe we could make a club." I wiped my nose with the back of my sleeve. "Y'know, for strained sibling relationships."
Sirius chuckled quietly, dragging his gaze from the horizon to meet my eyes. "Sounds enlightening. But I hate everyone."
"It could be a two person club." I suggested, watching his mouth twist into a smile.
"Yeah, alright Evans." He chuckled quietly. "A club for strained sibling relationships...Godric."
"Shall we make badges?"
He snorted, leaning to rest his head against the beech tree behind us. "To go with your Headgirl one? It can make up for me not being a prefect or Headboy like Moony and Prongs. Even Wormtail has a badge from third year when he joined the chess club. I teased him for it endlessly." A faint smirk twisted at his mouth at the memory, and I even found myself smiling.
It was silent as Sirius dug in his pocket for something. Moments later he was lighting the tip of a cigarette, offering me one. I accepted without a second glance, cupping a hand to shield it from the wind as he lit the end with his favourite silver shark lighter. The world remained silent as we sat there smoking, gazing out at the snowcapped trees.
"Are you cold?" He asked me suddenly. I shrugged, glancing down to the melted grass we sat on.
"I don't know."
More silence passed, the bitter sweet smell of cigarette smoke smothering my senses.
"What's the worst thing he ever said to you?" I murmured, still gripping onto his arm, of which remained wrapped around me loosely. He watched me in thought for a moment, that same flickering shadow in his darkened eyes.
"Reg once told me it was my fault." He shook this head, turning to scan the horizon. "Similar to your letter, I s'pose. Only he screamed at me in the hallway."
"I never heard." I whispered, staring at him.
"No." He shook his head. "It was last year and only James was saw, no one would've."
"I'm sorry."
Sirius shifted uncomfortably, and I loosed a tight breath.
"If it's any consolation, what's happening to him isn't your fault, either."
Sirius gazed at the horizon before snapping his eyes back to me. He opened as mouth as if to say something, before closing it again and shaking his head.
"Yeah, maybe."
I had a feeling he'd been about to tell me exactly why he felt guilty, but thought better of it. A frown creased between my brows and I too looked out into the horizon. Birds sung, with shocking skies of blue for winter time, rare sunlight streaming down upon the sparkling lake.
"You know that I'm always here for you, right Lil?" Sirius asked abruptly. I turned to face him, surveying his softened expression. His eyes were drawn as he studied my face, almost pleading.
"Of course." I mumbled, so softly that it was almost a whisper. Sirius Black would do anything for me, and somehow, I already knew that without him having to tell me. He nodded, still scanning my face.
"Good, 'cause we've never really talked about this all before, and I don't want you to think I'm holding any animosity towards you or anything." I opened my mouth to replied but he pushed forwards, speaking rather quickly. "I...I care about you more than I'm willing to admit, because - it scares me." He shook his head, lower lip quivering slightly. "I don't like letting people into my life in case they leave. People don't seem to stick around this place."
I stared at him, feeling as if my heart had splintered into yet another fraction.
"I know." I mumbled, studying his drawn eyebrows. "You wouldn't annoy me nearly as much if you didn't love me."
Sirius's pale cheeks spread into a subdued grin. "I do love you, Ginge. You're a bit of a nutter, but I do love you."
"Never thought I'd ever say the words," I grimaced, resting my head against his broad shoulder. "But I love you too, Sirius Black."
He loosed a shuddering breath. "Why didn't we become friends sooner, Evans?"
I chuckled quietly, shifting to slide my free hand around the arm Sirius had slung around my knee.
"You were a wanker. I was also a cow." I added. "Who would've thought I had so much in common with the notorious Sirius Black."
"Definitely not me."
I smiled at the words, surprised at how easy it came.
"I'm not going anywhere." He reminded me quietly. I fell silent, watching the lake water ripple against the muddy grass bank.
"None of us are." He added, voice slightly hoarse. "Because I'm going to come with you to that Church, with everyone. We're going to be there through the entire thing. No one should have to say goodbye to their parents at seventeen, let alone ever. I'm not going to let you you do that alone."
I bit down on my lip, a single tear escaping me. "You said goodbye at fifteen."
He tensed, and I wondered for a minute if I'd said the wrong thing. Until,
"That was more a screaming match, than goodbye." He replied gruffly. "One in which I had a choice in. You don't have a choice, Lily. I was born into a family of hell incarnate. Your parents were...the opposite. Taken from the world too soon. The least we can all do is pay our respects. I don't care what your stupid wench of a sister says - in fact I'd absolutely love to see the look on her face when we all turn up." He barked a quiet laugh. "Perhaps I should even wear multi coloured robes just to piss her off."
I choked out a laugh, feeling my tears increase rapidly. "I'm sure she would appreciate that greatly." I whispered, nuzzling into the soft of his shoulder. I would love to see the look on her face, too.
"James is out of his mind worried." He said after a moment, lifting a hand to stroke my hair hesitantly. I smiled into his jacket, a sudden surge of pride burning through me at the effort he was making.
"I know." I whispered eventually, closing my eyes. "I don't know what to do with myself, and he looks like he's about to fall asleep standing up."
Sirius was silent for a moment.
"Have you talked to him?"
I thought about yesterday, and the way he'd lain down besides me in silence, not to talk, but just be there.
"Kind of." I mumbled. "I...it's complicated."
Sirius gave a quiet laugh. "Might not he as complicated as you think, Ginge."
I slowly dragged myself upwards to stare at him. Sirius glanced to me, mouth twitching.
"What do you mean?"
"I said what I said." He gave me a knowing look. "Figure it out, Ginge. I'm his best mate. I know everything. And I also know you." He added, narrowing his dark eyes at me.
"...But -"
"You're not as good as hiding it as you think, either." Sirius was smiling now. My cheeks warmed, and I all of a sudden wanted to sink into the very core of the earth.
"It's killing me." I said hoarsely. "Every time I look at him, my heart seems to ache a little more."
Sirius turned to scan my face, stormy eyes softening.
"Take the risk, Lily. Life's too short."
The words echoed through my head in a loop as we made our way back up to the common room, where Marlene promptly sprinted forwards and hugged the pair of us so tightly that I began spluttering.
Sirius sat besides me the entire night, cracking open a bottle of wine and offering me another cigarette. With James on my other side, It felt like I had two body guards protecting my every move. Eventually they forced me to eat some cottage pie, and I even managed the entire thing. The others surrounded us, keeping the conversation light and open. It was like a surge of relief, with this heavy weight lifting off my shoulders that I hadn't ruined the dynamic of our group. I'd been afraid they wouldn't speak to me for days yet. But here they were, trying their hardest to sustain any ounce of normalcy for my sake.
So I drank red wine with Sirius, forcing James to have a cigarette with us. It was all very strange. Inside I was battling this huge tsunami wave of pain and grief, with a tiny little ember of joy in the middle that I was slowly beginning to familiarise myself with again. Remembering what joy was. Eventually the tidal wave overcame me and I started crying, at which point James let me lay my head in his lap drunkenly with Sirius lifting my feet into his. He drummed his fingers against my shins mindlessly, but it was comforting, even more so when James began to stroke the hair from my forehead gently. We sat like this for a while as I sobbed into James's lap, still smoking my cigarette drunkenly. Marlene sat on the floor in front of us, murmuring to me quietly about things that we loved doing together, memories she had of my parents, how her day had been, how my day had been. Mary and Alice were snuggled on the loveseat together, adding in little bits when they could, Alice wiping her own cheeks dry. Peter had excused himself some time ago, and I didn't blame him one bit. This left Remus sitting on the arm of the couch, sharing our second bottle of red wine that everyone had surprisingly let me continue drinking.
"Maybe you guys can be my parents now." I hiccuped at one point, rolling drunkenly onto my back. My head remained tucked in James's lap, legs snug between Sirius's arms. I gazed up at James, studying the way he exhaled smoke in little rings.
"My parents are a bit shit." Remus said, smiling down at me at me. "I could do with a replacement."
"Parents that drink with their children." I classified, with a snort that was half laughter half crying. "I'm sorry." I mumbled after a moment of hysteria. "Is this terrible?"
"No." Everyone said in unison, which only made me cry more.
"I think I'm a bad person." I admitted aloud at one point, my words slightly slurred. "Why am I drinking? I should be crying in my bed forever."
"Everyone gets drunk when people die." Sirius said quietly. "It helps make sense of things. Celebrate the life lost."
"You sound like you've been to a lot of funerals." I said thickly, frowning up at the ceiling.
"A couple."
"I don't think Tuney would like it if I turned up wasted in two days." I admitted, snorting slightly when Marlene gave a quiet laugh.
"No," She agreed, padding over to Sirius. She sat on the edge of the couch, wrapping a slender arm around his shoulders. "She wouldn't."
"Then I should just keep drinking."
"Exactly." James murmured, still smoking his cigarette. "It's therapeutic."
"Have we got anything stronger?" I wondered aloud. The next few minutes were spent transfiguring our last bottle of red into malt brandy. Then Sirius insisted I had to drink it in the proper glass and on ice.
"Every grieving person drunks brandy on the rocks." He said airily, handing me the short crystal glass. I studied the amber liquid inside before tilting my head back and swallowing it hole. There was a shocked silence before Sirius took the glass from me and filled it again, this time pouring his own.
"Looks like we're getting trollied." He announced, ignoring Remus's quiet protests that I barely heard. At some point I got off the couch, joining Sirius in the middle of the room as Marlene put on our favourite Queen record. Sirius bowed lowly, and I offered him my best drunken curtesy, before he grabbed me by the hand and we began to dance. Eventually Mary ventured back to the dorm to find another bottle of wine that was turned into brandy, and soon everyone was drinking, dancing in the middle of the room to Queen's best hits. I danced and danced until I saw stars, stumbling all over the place and murmuring random indistinguishable things that I knew no one understood. Sirius danced with me the most, the pair of us singing every word of 'Don't stop me now,' into our crystal brandy glasses. Remus did the waltz with me at one point, and I laughed until I cried when James and Marlene tried to do the tango to 'radio ga ga.'
Several hours passed, at which point Alice and Mary had fallen asleep together on the couch, leaving me lying in the middle of the floor. Tears streamed down my face as I drunkenly slurred the lyrics to 'landslide' on Fleetwood Mac's record 'Rumours.' Remus sat on the floor feet away from me, almost as drunk as me as he leant his head against the nearest table and sung every lyric. Sirius and Marlene were slow dancing feet away from me, holding eachother tightly.
I sobbed particularly loudly at one point of the song and seconds later found myself being tugged onto my feet by a pair of strong arms. James stroked my hair comfortingly as I half sobbed the lyrics into his chest, my half empty drink forgotten on the floor. And then Sirius's arms were around me, and James was on my other side, and Marlene was holding my hands, leaving the four of us to drunkenly sing Fleetwood Mac as we slow danced in the middle of our common room. Sirius did his best to reach every high note, letting James harmonise him terribly while Marlene and I drunkenly laughed. Eventually Remus joined in, stumbling over to us with the almost empty bottle of brandy. We swayed to the last notes of the song, James resting his head ontop of my own. Then I wrenched the bottle out of Remus's hands and chugged back the contents, vaguely hearing Marlene's quiet gasp and Sirius's mutter of concern. I remember slumping into his arms before everything went black, waking up with the rising sun and an unbearable headache.
The cottage pie I'd managed to eat came surging back up by the time I made it to the bathroom, sprinting for my life in nothing but a Muggle sports bra and flared trackpants. I clutched either side of the toilet and hurled. This continued for several moments, James arriving at some point to hold my hair back from the toilet bowl as I emptied the entire contents of my stomach. He murmured consoling words in my ear, a broad hand rubbing comforting circles along the length of my bare back. I spluttered a final time before slumping into the tiles, letting James guide me towards the bathroom wall. I clenched my eyes shut, not bothering to feel embarrassed at the damp cloth James used to wipe my face clean. Moments past before I was on my knees and hurling into the toilet again. This time James managed to find a hair tie and combed my hair back into a knot. I spluttered until there was nothing left inside of me. At one point someone else entered the room, exchanging quiet conversation with James that I didn't hear. I released that this person was Marlene when she reappeared some moments later as I crawled back into the corner, resting my head against the cool wall. She passed something to James, who muttered thank you. I wrenched my eyes open to study the small blue vial in his hands. He caught my gaze, scanning my face with hard eyes. Was he angry with me?
"Here, this is -"
"Give it to me," I said hoarsely. He obliged, handing me the small vial. I knocked back the entire thing, snapping my eyes shut and breathing heavily as the soothing mint concoction flushed away the evidence from last night. The vial clattered to the tiles from my hands as I gripped my knees to my chest tightly, head tilted against the wall.
"Thanks." I mumbled. A hollow silence filled the cold room while I sat there, breathing unevenly as the hangover cure did it's job.
"What for?" James murmured eventually. I dragged my eyes open to meet his piercing gaze.
"For everything." I whispered, wishing I could understood the way he was staring at me. James didn't say anything else. He scooped me into his arms and guided me back into the room, where Sirius and Remus were chatting quietly.
"There she is." Sirius smiled up at me. A small groan slipped from my lips and he gave a quiet laugh that didn't reach his eyes.
Ten minutes later I stood staring at my naked body in the bathroom mirror. My long hair hung lank and greasy by my sides, with large purple bags caressing my under eyes. My once pink cheeks were slightly hollowed, round lips chapped and pale. Worst of all was the clear outline of ribs jutting out from my white as snow stomach. It was hard to look at, realising that I was slowly letting myself go. I knew that if I let it carry on for even longer it'd be more than just grief, but an entire new battle I'd be forced to conquer.
I stared at my naked self for a few more moments, disgusted at what I'd let myself do. Then I turned on the shower and let the cold water pierce every inch of my skin until it hurt. I even managed to shave my legs and wash my hair, which took more effort than I'd admit. Even visiting the bathroom to use the toilet was an effort, these days.
I cleansed my face and moisturised, using natural oils to smooth back the pale skin of my sickly looking face. An hour must have passed by the time I emerged from the cold room, a white towel wrapped around myself and hair dripping wet down my back. I felt everyone look up when I entered the room and refused to meet their gaze, forcing myself to make the hike towards my room. Every step was a feat that I surprised myself with, until I was inside my room and the door closed behind me. I let out a breath of relief, resting my dripping wet head back against the cold wood for several moments.
I stared at my drawers, trying to decide what to wear. Eventually I settled on another pair of flared trackpants and my favourite yellow sweater. Not much of an effort, but at least i'd finally gotten out of the last pair.
When I emerged from my room some time later, the others remained where they'd been sitting twenty minutes ago. James looked up mid conversation to scan me, his dark eyes shuttering in what I thought was relief.
"Anyone feel like going to breakfast?" I asked hoarsely.
James's responding smile was the only thing keeping me from falling apart at the seams. We stopped at the Gryffindor common room to find Peter and let the others change. James and I waited in the corridor, one of his arms tucked around my shoulders the way he was did. He was never not touching me, to offer comfort for myself, or for him, I didn't know. Maybe it was both.
Our walk to breakfast was mainly quiet, Marlene linking arms on my other side.
"I'm so proud of you." She whispered in my ear as we approached the great hall. "I see how hard you're trying."
I nodded, taking a deep breath at the dozens of eyes that snapped up to me upon our arrival. I came to a sudden halt in the doorway, feeling my stomach sink rapidly. Just was I was about to turn and sprint back to the common room, Sirius cleared his throat loudly. Most people seemed to turn away, embarrassed. Some stared at me, most of them from other houses. Others watched me pityingly, or with loving eyes that I didn't fail to miss. Osborne stood up from the middle of the table as we walked past, Marlene still gripping me to her tightly.
"One step at a time." She would remind me in whispers.
"Hey, Evans." Ben said hesitantly, scanning my face with what looked like shock. "...I just wanted to say I'm so sorry, about what happened. If you need anything, just shout." He reached out to grip my hand, and I thought I sensed James flinch by my side.
"All of us are here." He said quietly. I felt my eyes sting and hastily blinked away the tears, offering him my best smile that I was sure looked more like a grimace.
"Thanks, Osborne."
Thankfully Ben was the only one to stop us on our way to the only free spot at the end of the table. He seemed to have spoken on behalf of everyone, who politely kept their conversations quiet and eyes averted, as if sensing that another word was going to send me spiralling.
"I can talk to him." Sirius said as we sat down. I shook my head, accepting the coffee James poured me.
"No, it was sweet, really. I just..." I shook my head, loosing a deep breath. "How to you respond to that? Thank you?"
Sirius exchanged a glance with the two people sitting besides me. Eventually Marlene murmured,
"No one really knows, Lil."
And it was true, I supposed. I had to keep reminding myself that people were concerned and merely wanted to offer their condolences for the rest of the day. I managed to visit the main common room, fighting back the urge to cry every time a familiar face approached me with kind words that felt like adding salt to the wound. I found that it was impossible to sit still on the couch without someone coming up to me, one girl even gave me flowers. Eventually James murmured that maybe we should leave, and i'd nodded in relief, not realising how much I'd needed someone else to notice. He took me back the Heads common room in silence, where we'd sat together on the couch and exchanged quiet conversation. I refused to look at him, afraid that I'd slip up and ruin everything.
The next day went along the same lines. I ran a bath and sat there for maybe an hour, agreeing when James suggested we go to breakfast. We visited the common room again, and this time, only James's Quidditch team members approached me. I realised that someone, probably Sirius or Marlene, must have said something during my absence. The thought should have angered me, but on the contrary, I felt a surge of relief when I considered all of the grieving conversations I'd avoided.
I even laughed at a joke Peter made. This made him turn pink, eyes growing so wide with surprise that Sirius had whacked him over the head with a scowl. I remained quiet after that, not missing the daggers James sent in Peter's direction.
On the way back from dinner Dumbledore pulled me aside. When James halted with a frown of concern I shook my head.
"It's fine." I murmured, noticing the others' subtle exchanged glances as they continued walking quietly. "I'll meet you back up there."
James stared at me for a moment, scanning my face. "You sure?"
I nodded. When he turned to leave I felt my face fall slightly, not bothering to hide it from Dumbledore.
He only spoke to me for a moment, leading me to his office with a gentle hand at my back. We mostly sat in silence while he offered me a cockroach cluster and I kindly declined, wondering if this was his usual form of coping with grief.
"I know what it is to lose family." He said gently after five or so minutes of silence. "I realise you must feel overwhelmed by the support everyone seems to be offering you. Even people you've never spoken to in your life."
I looked up to meet his piercing gaze, the one that always made you feel like he could read your thoughts.
"It's strange." I admitted hoarsely. "No one even knew them."
"But they know you." He said softly. I nodded.
"I know they mean well," I tried and failed to contain the trembling in my voice. "I just...it's still hard to talk about. Especially with the circumstances."
"I understand." Dumbledore's voice was gentle. "I felt the same when my sister died."
I blinked. "I'm sorry, I - I didn't know -"
"Not many do." He gave me a tiny smile, folding both hands in his lap. "To this day I don't speak about it, even with my closest companions. It was a terrible incident that still haunts me." He studied my face as I stared at him in shock, not knowing how to respond. "It was a similar situation. My circle was small, and when she died, suddenly the entire world wanted to tell me how brave I was for getting up each day. As if they knew me. As if they knew her." He added, his piercing gaze drifting to the spindly tools sitting on his magnificent desk.
"I brought you here today Lily," He murmured after a moment, trailing a finger along the open book before him. "To remind you that happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times. If only one remembers to turn on the light."
My eyes burned with tears as I gazed at the wizened man before me, aged in years and wisdom.
"Hogwarts will always be here for you, Lily. It is the least we can do to repay your kindness."
"My kindness?" I whispered. Dumbledore smiled at me softly.
"You wish to be a healer, no?"
I nodded, frowning slightly.
"It's a different kind of magic." He murmured, still watching me. "More powerful and ancient than spells and charms."
"I don't know how to stay strong." I admitted after a moment of silence. "I've...changed. Things won't be the same."
"No," Dumbledore agreed softly. "But do not forget that it is our choices that show what we truly are Lily, not our abilities."
"The funeral." I barely managed, unsure if I could look him in the eye for much longer without bursting into tears. "It's tomorrow, in a Muggle town. I'm...the others are coming with me, if that's possible. It's at twelve."
Dumbledore watched me carefully. "I'll see to it that Hagrid escorts you to the gates."
Albus's words stuck with me as he accompanied me back to the common room. He chatted to me idly about his favourite sweets, and I found myself smiling at the random things he often said. When we reached the Mourning Monk he rest a gentle hand to my shoulder.
"Your friends are here for you, Lily. And do not forget, that I am a friend too."
I watched him walk back down the corridor in awe, feeling as if I'd reached some sort of breakthrough.
The others were waiting for me inside, playing a game of wizarding cards. They fell silent upon my arrival, looking up with shared expressions of concern. I came to a halt before them, wondering if the trembling in my fingers would ever stop.
"If we win this war," I said quietly, turning to gaze out the window. "It'll be because of him."
"Dumbledore?"
I looked to where James was standing. He watched me carefully, his usually tanned face slight wan and eyebrows creased into a frown. I stared at him, wondering if the reason I seemed to impossibly love him even more was because of the two new vacant spaces in my heart. His eyes were duller than usual, but that was hope glimmering where brown turned to gold.
"Dumbledore." I repeated in a whisper.