All Of Me | A Jily Love Story

Chapter Seven Part two: Dynamite Comes In Small Packadges

- LILY -

I let out a long sigh and glanced to the clock that hung on the wall opposite. We still had two hours to relax before James and I had to do our weekly Head patrols - yeah, right. The piles and piles of everlasting Homework the teachers had been assigning us were starting to get to me. I was buried six feet under, the suffocating mass of parchment drowning me. It was genuinely making me doubt my ability to last an entire year, let alone one single exam. Transfiguration was much easier now, but it remained the most challenging subject; I'd rather not write 20 inches on the intricate details regarding mammal transformations, but here I was.
"Could we maybe not do our NEWTS?" I asked the room at large, ferociously dotting the 'I' on my parchment. "That wasn't a joke. Could we just...leave? Maybe, you know, live in the leaky cauldron for the rest if our lives like Sirius said. I feel like that wouldn't be uncommon."
"Some kids drop out after fifth," Remus replied mildly, scratching his chin with the end of a quil. "Get a job in hospo and such. It is possible." He chuckled, shaking his head. "But for someone like you - that isn't an option."
I frowned at him, not comprehending.
"Someone so talented with enormous potential." He explained, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, right." I replied scornfully, squirming at the sudden heat in my cheeks.
"Honestly Lily, you're worrying me." James mumbled, pulling his head out from underneath a cushion. He frowned, scratching his left eyebrow. "If even you can't get through this - what are the rest of us going to do?"
"Fail." Sirius replied in monotone, tossing the book he was reading over his shoulder.
"I'm in on that leaky cauldron plan." Marlene grumbled, snuggling into the cozy corner of the couch. "This school crap is a waste of time."
"Come now, I didn't say that." I tutted disapprovingly, scratching out a misspelling.
"Why is everything so complicated?" Alice moaned, dragging her quil across her parchment in agony.
"Tell me about it." Mary muttered, staring down at the book in her lap as though it was going to bite her.
"It all used to be so easy." I agreed, gazing into the fire. A tornado of haunting thoughts were whirling around my mind, yet I felt I couldn't say any of them aloud. My mind strayed to my beloved sister Tuney. I missed and loved her more then words, despite our drastic differences. But no matter how hard I tried, how much I begged, Petunia couldn't care less about me. I could've sworn something cracked in my chest at the thought, triggering the burning in my eyes. Sure, I'd been fairly sour in return whenever Petunia was snarky, I wasn't going to sit down and let her walk all over me. But the extent that she goes to...Godric, she really knew where to cross the line. I couldn't keep up with it anymore. She hated me, more than that - she loathed me. Whenever I so much as entered the room, the conversation ended. If I had anything to say at the dinner table, I was instantly belittled. She'd always been too humiliated to have friends stay over in the summer. On the rare occasion that she did, they looked so absolutely repulsed by my presence that once I even had the urge to ask if they needed to lie down. What I'd discovered later on, is that they were under the impression I was some 'special freak' that goes to a school for 'mental people with domestic issues.' I tried not to give a shit about it, but couldn't help wince at the knife inches deep in my back. It was terribly unjust, I mean, when Marls came to stay, she'd been so sweet to Tuney. She my beloved sister had practically gone and spat in her face. This wasn't even the worst of it - her critical, whale of a husband - of whom she married four months ago to my delight - was an absolute train wreck. I didn't get to go to the wedding, of course - no invite, and it was strategically planned during the last week of school term. That had been the best news I received all year. Even his name, Vermin - sorry, Vernon Dursley, sounded awful. Merlin's Beard, Imagine being called 'Petunia Dursley?' I shuddered, realising that it suited her much more than Evans ever had.
Anyways, Vermin worked for some boring drill business - goes in the family. Idiotic, self conceited troll. First time I'd met him he'd told me how sorry he felt that I was constantly being compared to my mentally stable, beautiful, intelligent sister. I had been so furious, Dad had almost needed to hold me back, the urge to punch him had been so strong.
Tuney wasn't the only concern pressing on my mind. There was the constant, blood chilling fear that Voldemort and his deatheaters would someday target my family, as they're muggles; and have a muggleborn daughter who's 'stolen' her magic. My sweet, loving, innocent Parents. And...my awful, whining, but still sister, Petunia. If anything happened to them, I wouldn't know how to carry on with my life. They were the foundation of anything that I'd ever succeeded in. Their love story was one that I envied more then anything, and the mere thought of them being targeted made me weak in the knees.
My heart ached, becuause Merlin's beard - I shouldn't even be worrying about this. I was going to be turning eighteen, ready to go out and experience the world. This shouldn't be a sensible, reasonable concern of mine. But it was, and the danger was increasing day by day.
Thirdly, well...my friends. My beautiful, wonderful, hilarious, stupidly goofy friends. The thought of losing them was gut wrenching. The girls had supported me in the best six years of my life, and throughout all the argument, tears and wine nights, they still had my back. I couldn't think of anyone, but perhaps my own Mum, who knew me better than them.
Which lead to the Marauders. They're idiotically reckless, and sometimes mean, but shit they could make me laugh. Despite not being been friends for long, it felt like I'd known the Marauders for months rather than days. I found myself regretting all the years I'd spent loathing their gut.
James was an entire other case. I continued to struggle when it came to comprehending what on earth had gotten into him this year. It's just...him.The way his nose scrunches up when he's frustrated, or the way his loud booming laugh lights up the entire room. His stupidly wonderful hair that I used to hate beyond infinity, his honeyed, golden eyes that I could lose myself in anyday, his ridiculously contagious smile -
Of course I didn't fancy him, the mere thought of it made me want to giggle. Anything that came near to that alternative reality was both impossible and comical. The truth was, I was just frightened to admit any of this. Afraid of what I felt - scared of what life was going to be like when we graduated, and how long we had left before then.
How did one balance the insurmountable pressure of NEWTS, friendships, Voldemort, shattered sibling bonds, and still manage to look after themself? I needed someone to tell me, an oracle, or higherpower of some sort. I was lost, with no idea how to navigate this chapter -
"Lilyyy-flowerr?" Sirius waved a hand infront of my face, wrenching me out of my internal nervous breakdown.
"Hm? What?" I blinked dazedly, rubbing my eyes.
He snorted. "You're a strange one flower."
"Sorry, were you saying something? I -"
"Oh, no." He cut in mildly, tossing a second book over his shoulder. "I just got bored and wanted to see your reaction."
I swore irritably and turned my back on him, taking a deep breath. Not worth your time, remember all the good things you were just thinking about him...
"Alright alright, no need to get so grumpy." He defended indignantly. "Insufferable woman." He muttered.
"Padfoot, you really need to stop irritating people for your own entertainment." Remus said lightly as I grit my teeth, jumping out of my armchair. I paced the length of the hearth and back, mulling over my thoughts and trying to ignore Sirius's snarky comments.
"Why is Lily so cranky?" Marlene asked sleepily from her occupated napping place.
I halted my pacing and turned on my heel, watching as she peeled a skeptical eye open.
"Why do you think?" I snapped, letting my palms fall against my thighs with a smack. Marlene raised a single eyebrow, pulling herself up into a sitting position. A fresh wave of guilt instantly washed over me, and I sighed.
"I'm sorry." I said roughly, meeting her eyes. "I didn't mean that, I shouldn't have snapped."
"I know." She chuckled, although it was a bit forced. "I get it." She added assuringly when I hesitated, smiling at me in understanding.
"It's PMS." Sirius whispered audibly to whoever was besides him, followed by a ripple of snickers. I clenched my fist, dragging my eyes of to his smirking face.
"Sirius if you don't bloody shut up, I will curse you into oblivion."
Mary snorted. "Is it someones time of the month?" She sung tauntingly. I turned to face her, not missing the annoyed look Marlene flung her way.
"Stop being so snarky." Mary continued, eyeing my stature. "Gheez Lily, go take a nap. Come back when you're not being a bitch."
"Mary!" Alice hissed indignantly, flashing her eyes. "Stop it!"
I trembled slightly in the tense silence that fell over the room, smiling rather bitterly. Unable to muster the strength to glare at her with all the anger that coursed through my bones, I merely stood.
"I'm fine, by the way." I said quietly, meeting her amused eyes. "Thanks so much for asking."
I strolled over to my room before the burning in my eyes could start, slamming the door behind me as hard as I could. Gripping my my head in my hands, I yelled out in frustration.
I was fiery, sure - but that had crossed a line where Mary was accustomed to leaping right over. We both got hotheaded when we were angry, both said things we didn't mean. Mary had always gone one step further; she even made Alice burst into tears once.  
I halted my pacing as I passed by my dressing table, glancing down to the framed framed photograph that stood there. It was a muggle photo of me and Tuney before I got my Hogwarts letter. We were arm in arm, standing in front of the swings at our town's park, smiling widely. I wore a flowing yellow dress, and she a pink one scattered with white roses. It was the last photo we'd taken together willingly, where we didn't look like we wanted to murder eachother. Due to the circumstances, we may as well not be related. A surge of anger rose up inside of me as I glared down at the photographic, frozen in time. Without a second thought I snatched the frame from my drawer, running my fingers over the honed wood. Breathing in heavily through my nose and out through my mouth, I stared down at Petunia's unmoving beam.
"I've given you 6 years." I whispered aloud, slipping onto my daybed. "It should've been enough."
I forced open the latch on my window that looked out over the grounds, flinging the photograph into the open air with as much force as I could. I watched with satisfaction as it hit the very top of the Quidditch stands and shattered, splintering into millions of glass shards. Never to be mended; Just like our relationship.
Leaning out of the wide open window, I absorbed the cold breeze by letting it fan my hair behind me. A single tear rolled down my cheek as I gazed out at the view. The afternoon sun was just disappearing behind each peak of the forbidden forest, leaving a pink, purplish tinge across the evening sky. I exhaled sharply, stifling a small sob. A single moment passed before I yanked myself from the window and closed it with a small click, leaving the memory of a photo behind me. There was a soft knock on my door as I sunk into the créme cushions of my daybed, head thudding back against the rounded window frame.
"Come in." I mumbled reluctantly, grateful that my voice wasn't uneven. The door opened as I hastily wiped away my smudged mascara, revealing a concerned looking James.
"Are you okay?" He asked, scanning me anxiously. I opened my mouth to reply, but paused, wondering whether I should admit to him the truth. After a second of hesitation, I merely nodded. Relief eased his tensed features, a wide smile spreading across his cheeks. Good.
"C'mon, then. We have patrols."
I sighed heavily, meeting him halfway across the room. James slung an arm around my shoulders, giving me a little squeeze.
"The others have left, don't worry. I'm sorry about Sirius being an arse by the way, he really did seem concerned."
I snorted, highly doubting it.
" - Mary felt bad, too...she said that she didn't realise you were truly upset, and was very apologetic about it."
I waved it off with a light laugh.
"They know not to put up with my temper."
We made our way out of the portrait hole and strolled along the seventh floor corridors in silence. I was enjoying the feeling of James holding me, wondering - Godric, I needed to stop thinking these things. His arm was around me, it was no big deal. Sirius and Remus were highly affectionate friends, too.
"Do you want to talk about before?" James asked me after a few moments. I hesitates, contemplating it.
"No it's...I'm okay." I sighed, glancing up to find him already looking at me. "I'm sorry. I just got really pissed off, and confused, and...I just needed some time." I frowned slightly, scanning his face. "A lot of things are on my mind, and sometimes it gets too much to the point where I don't want to be around people. Do you know what I mean?"
James nodded in understanding, his face clear of judgement. Relief flowed through me.
"Course, I get it." He smiled down at me crookedly. "When that happens to me, I usually go out onto the pitch. Get it all out."
I hummed in reply.
"Are you sure you're okay, though?" He asked me seriously. "I swear I heard something smash."
I stifled a laugh. "I'm fine. You were probably imagining it." I averted my eyes to inspect the chipped polish of my nails, very aware that James was still frowning at me. Thankfully, he dropped the subject. I was sure he could see right through me.
Two hours later we dragged ourselves through the portrait hole, laughing about the previous nights events. We'd caught three different couples making out in broom cupboards, Two first years crying in the middle of the fifth corridor because "We forgot where our common rooms are", and a couple of dungbombs left in an empty classroom - probably from Sirius. I turned to James, a wide smile plastered to my cheeks.
"That was fun." He grinned crookedly, his eyes twinkling. I nodded in agreement, unable to stifle the yawn that stretched my cheeks wide open. "Who knew authority could be enjoyable."
I snorted, rolling my eyes. "It was fun."
There was a short pause between us as I smiled at him, studying his face curiously.
"Well..I think I'm gonna turn in." I said after a moment, my smile growing surprisingly. "Goodnight, James."
"Night." He called after me as I turned to hurry off into the safe haven of my room, locking the door behind me. I threw myself onto my bed and wrenched my eyes closed, the weight of the day easing from my tense shoulders.
A loud bang issued from the James's room and I started in alarm, panic shooting through me -
"I'm okay!" James's loud, muffled yell sounded through the walls. I burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter and flopped back against my bed, my shoulders shaking from the impact.
"Merlins beard." I half sighed, half laughed.

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