All Of Me | A Jily Love Story

Chapter Fifteen: Unrequited love

A/N:
DISCLAIMER: Trigger warning
This chapter contains violent sexual content.
If you're not okay with this or have past experience with with such events,
1. I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY
2. Prepare yourself for graphic detail
3. Feel free to skip it if you want :)

...

- LILY -

James and I were lounged in the common room one sunny Thursday afternoon, the last rays of sunlight filtering through the common room paned windows and bathing us in a warm glow.
"Merlin, I wish it was the holidays already." James was sprawled out across the three seater couch, reading a book about illegal curses used for defence. His robes were tangled in his tie and glasses wonky on his nose as he frowned down at a certain page, scratching his left eyebrow.
"My brain might explode. Things like this - what on earth does 'filipendulous' mean?"
"When something is hanging precariously," I replied hoarsely, staring at my essay in the hopes that if I looked at it long enough, it might write itself.
"Oh." James snorted, dragging a hand down the side of his face. "Well that makes sense, this person's bleeding to death without a liver." He groaned slightly, shaking his head. "This is utter rubbish, why is it in our NEWTS?"
"Maybe because of the current events," I suggested tiredly, waving an airy hand. "You know, preparation for us when it comes to living in the real world."
"It's not like we'll be bleeding to death without livers," James scowled. "As if Voldemort would prance around with that nonsense."
"You know," I cut in abruptly, straightening up. "This is completely off topic, but I may just lose my mind."
"Please, do go on." James begged. "If I read another sentence, I'll neck myself."
"Well," I snorted, letting my head flop back. "If Marlene and Sirius don't hook up in the next week, I'm genuinely considering putting a body bind on the both of them then locking them in a broom cupboard for a couple of hours."
James snorted loudly, causing his glasses to slide from his face.
"I dunno why he won't just do something about it." He rolled his eyes, nudging his frames up his nose with a knuckle. "Does he know how hard it is to watch them throwing food into each other's mouths, without taking their eyes away from eachother's lips?"
"Apparently not." I said drily, stretching my arms and legs out before me. "It's not as if it's a big deal either, so I don't know why they're so fussed. They've both been in a few relationships before, or flings. Not like they have to commit to anything serious."
James merely shrugged, lifting himself up to lean on his elbows.
"That's the thing," He sighed, meeting my eyes.  "Maybe they want to this time, but they're scared to. I think Sirius just doesn't want to fuck this one up."
"Huh," I commented mildly, pondering the concept. "Well, that is something to consider."
"Why else would they wait?" He snickered, flopping back against the arm of the couch. "We all know they've been into each other for a while."
"Beats me..." I sighed, shaking my head.
Five minutes later I let out a exclamation of relief, causing James to jump about a foot in the air.
"Done!" I grinned, rolling up my 12 inches of neat parchment for charms and proceeding to pack everything away into my satchel. James threw me a disgruntled look before sighing heavily, wrenching himself up into a sitting position. It was quiet for a moment as I organised my textbooks, pulling a hand through my hair absentmindedly.
"Hey," James began hesitantly, drawing my eyes to his gaze eyes. I scanned his slightly sheepish expression, cocking my head quizzically.
"Mm?"
"Speaking of Padfoot and Marls..." He continued, averting his gaze. "Well, I'm curious about something."
"Ooh." I laughed lightly, wriggling back into my armchair comfortably. "By all means, fire away."
He let out a nervous sort of chuckle, rumpling his hair nonchalantly.
"Nah, I was just wondering er," He paused, and I could tell he was choosing his words carefully. "I was just wondering how many boyfriends you've had?" He asked this all rather casually, doodling on his half way finished essay. I raised an eyebrow, wondering where his thirst of knowledge had derived from. Nothing in his face gave it away, his expression composed. Truth be told, the topic was slightly embarrassing for me. I hadn't really done a lot of stuff with boys before - not as much as the average seventeen year old, anyways. Not many of them had been interested in me, I suppose. But mostly I didn't see the point; I was so busy with work, and lived all the way up in Newcastle. Despite this, well...my history wasn't completely blank. I'd had a couple of short relationships, but none of them ever came close to 'love', or something as meaningful.
So I merely shrugged and brushed my hair behind one ear, almost a little nervously.
"Er - well, not really any." I laughed and fought the urge to quickly look away, feeling slightly self conscious of admitting this to the likes of a Marauder. James's eyes snapped up in shock, his eyebrows disappearing into his hairline and jaw dropping wide open.
"What?" He yelped, straightening up so fast I could've sworn something cracked. "How could someone like Lily Evans not have ever had a boyfriend?" He looked so genuinely flabbergasted, that I wondered what on earth he meant by 'someone like Lily Evans'.
"Well, not quite -"
"You did in fifth year!" He sai incredulously, his eyebrows knitting together in a frown. I chuckled at his surprising reaction and tossed my bag onto the loveseat, as far away from my aching brain as I could.
"Well," I began thoughtfully, getting to my feet and shifting to sit besides him on the three seater couch. His wide eyes followed me in surpise, clearly yearning for an answer.
"Let's see..." I sighed, delving into memory lane. "I had a fling snog with Benjy Fenwick in a broom closet once. Nothing else happened, I told him it felt too weird because we were library buddies. And of course I was only thirteen." James snorted and tilted his head back, his shoulders shaking in amusement. I felt my mouth tug up into a small smile before continuing.
"Erm - I went on a couple of dates with Elliott Turner, back in...must've been fourth year," I chortled at the memory.
"How precious." James teased.
"Och, wasn't my type, though." I grinned, glancing to the twinkle in his In his eyes. "In fact, he was a bit of a boaster."
"So, Lily likes Ravenclaws?" He asked me huskily, wiggling his eyebrows. I snorted at him, shaking my head.
"For my younger self, perhaps." I laughed, letting my head rest against the back of the plush velvet couch. "Not really...they can be insufferably cocky." A wide yawn stretched across my cheeks, followed by a slight and unexpected tingle as James's thigh brushed against my knee ever so slightly.
"Finally you see what I've been telling you for years." He grinned, shaking his head.
"You know I had too much pride to admit that you were more fun then them, Potter." I rolled my eyes, folding my arms into my chest.
"He was arrogant - in what way?" He pushed. "'Arrogant toerag' - arrogant? Or, arrogant?" He snorted loudly, and I chuckled at his accountability.
"Oh no, you were just arrogant regarding your skill, brawn and ignorance - " I shook my head, waving a dismissive hand. "Ravenclaws like to boast their knowledge with ridiculous, unimpressive facts." I physically flinched at the memory of how awkward those collective dates had been. "One time in Hogsmeade, Turner talked to me about his philosophy report for an entire hour."
"How did you make it through?" James gaped.
"Well," A sly grin tugged at my lips. "I wasn't exactly conscious for the entire thing, though he didn't know that."
"This is getting more and more tragic." James grinned, his eyes sparkling at me. "Do go on, I'm entertained."
"Well then - in fifth year, I went out with Amos - I mean Diggory," I hesitated. "For about a month..no, two. And Merlin, what a tosser." I pulled a face, wincing at that memory, too. James roared with laughter and threw his head back for a second time.
"Finally, a girl who agrees that Diggory is a right bloody bastard." He grinned, shaking his head. "They're obsessed with him, I tell you!"
"It's true." I snickered, shaking my head at myself. "I used to be one of them, to my deepest regrets. I mean, he has a pretty face, and he isn't bad on a broom - but honestly, he's a bit of a bore." I snorted. "Used to fawn over him like a damsel, but then again, so did everyone else...".
"Man, was I jealous of that guy." James said in between laughter, shaking his head.
"It was his Hufflepuff allure." I grinned at him. "And don't even get me started on the snogging." I groaned, shaking my head and covering my face with both hands. James started laughing at this so hard that his quil slid from his grasp, smudging the length of his essay with a thick line of ink. He abruptly stopped laughing and stared down at the ruined parchment, his mouth falling wide open.
"Oh," He muttered, sinking back into the couch. "My god."
"Don't panic!" I chuckled as he closed my eyes, pulling out my wand and giving it a swift wave. The ink stain instantly cleared, leaving not a trace of mess on his almost completed essay. James let out a long breath of relief, his shoulders slumping back into the cushions.
"You have saved me from death countless times, Lils." He exclaimed weakly, raising his hands up speechlessly and letting them drop into his lap.
"You're dramatic." I rolled my eyes.
"Maybe you're right, but thank you all the same." He chuckled, shaking his head and turning back to his essay before another incident could occur.
"Don't mention it."
I watched him write his strangely neat crooked handwriting for a few moments, intrigued by the way he dotted his i's and crossed his t's - before finally asking him what I'd been simply burning to blurt out ever since he struck up a conversation.
"So...what about you?" I said him curiously as he worked, watching him cross out the wrong word and rewrite the correct one.
"Hmm? What about me?" He asked absentmindedly, moving his head to look with his eyes never moving from the parchment.
"I can imagine you've had about a hundred girlfriends." I laughed merrily, and for some reason, found myself wishing rather bitterly that it weren't accurate. "Well - this estimate is purely based on your inflated, arrogant toerag, player self."
James chuckled quietly and shook his head, lifting his intense gaze from the essay to meet my eyes.
"I hope I haven't." He grimaced, something unreadable flashing across his face. I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
"Oh?"
"More like..three quickies, or something along the lines." He explained, rumpling his hair with the hand that wasn't gripping his quil. "People think I've dated the entire school - but really, that's Sirius." He finished rather sharply, suddenly seeming self conscious as he scratched the back of his neck. I paused before replying, feeling a frown growing between my eyebrows. Three? I had to admit, I hadn't quite kept track during all these years of me ignoring his utterly intolerable existence. But only three? It didn't seem right.
"Oh." Was all I said, not knowing how on earth to reply. But James saved me from the awkwardness, swooping in with the details of his romance life.
"I had my first kiss in my second year," His lips tugged up into an amused smile. "With some fourth year on the Quidditch team. Very...awkward." He grinned, eyes sparkling. "She had been drinking from a hip flask but I thought she really liked me. Sirius laughed for hours."
I covered my mouth with a hand, stifling a chuckle.
"Aw, poor twelve year old Potter." I teased, laughing at his ever growing grin.
"Firsts are always awkward, right?" He chortled with a shrug. "Had to be done. Erm..went out with Darcy Bones in fifth year, 'member? For like, two weeks. That was before she went nuts." I rolled my eyes, remembering their making out in the common room very clearly.
"Yeah, she was weird. Isn't she on crack now?"
He shrugged casually, waving a dismissive hands.
"Yeah, I think she is. Hmmm...Ah, well, I made out with Sirius when I was about fourteen. It was for a dare, I will happily inform you."
I giggled at that, only imagining how into it they would have gotten.
"Heard that one coming." I sniggered, folding my arms into my chest comfortably. He nodded in agreement, flashing that crooked smile of his and placing his work back down onto the coffee table - turning all his attention on to our conversation.
"It pains me, but of all of them, I have to say his lips worked the best." He grimaced, shaking his head. I through my head back and laughed loudly, the picture of fourth year old Sirius when his hair only reached his ears, and fourth year James with hands too big for his body.
"Well, I can't say I'm surprised." I sighed, rolling my neck around to meet James's eyes.
"Don't you dare tell him that," He grinned, poking me in the shoulder.
"As long as you behave, sure." I replied haughtily, unable to stifle a laugh. "Go on, surely that's not the end of your love story."
He snorted, scratching his left eyebrow. "Blimey, I did accidentally snog Jessica Vane." He blinked, scrunching up his nose.
"Okay James I know you were a knob, but please, we need to have a conversation about standards." 
"Ew, Merlin, I was drunk - don't judge me Lil." He laughed, sending a wave of relief over me. "I was bad, but not that bad. Let's see.., uh. Oh - Alicia, Alicia Walters who left last year. We dated a few months in fifth."
"She was nice." I nodded approvingly, clasping my hands. "Good job."
He rolled his eyes, letting out a long sigh. "Er, and - Well. that's...all." He smiled slightly, shrugging - but it didn't quite reach his eyes. I deciphered this sudden sadness as he leant back into the crevice of the couch - like he'd remembered something else he wanted to say, but thought better of it. James looked away from me, which was when I realised I was staring.
"Huh." I said after a few moments of silence, feeling rather shocked from this offload of new information.
"Yep." He replied, grinning up a the ceiling crookedly.
"You could get any girl if you reall tried, though." I remarked, snuggling my legs up to my chin. When James merely shrugged in reply, not at all keen for the attention, I continued on my quest of determination to figure this milestone out.
I cleared my throat, scanning his composed expression.
"I guess that since you and Sirius are as flirty as they come, that you're both inseparable, extremely excellent at everything you do, charming, and since there's the fact that people are naturally drawn to you - " I paused, eyeing him. "We all assume...otherwise."
James laughed at me exasperatedly, his shoulders shaking from in amusement.
"Ah, Lil. Well, I guess people just see what they want to see." He grinned that crooked grin of his again, the strange sadness vanished, and rolled up his essay now completed essay, randomly chucking bits and bobs into his bag.
Wow - I guess people do just see what they want to see. If they want to see toerag Potter, that is what they shall get for six miserable years. Merlin's summer bloomers.