All Of Me | A Jily Love Story

Chapter Forty One: "Speechless, Evans?"

- JAMES -

"You laughed?"
I sat staring into my emptying bottle of fire whiskey, shoulders and neck aching from the strain of leaving my head bowed for such an extensive period of time. The contents changed colour from shades of light amber to brunt orange, flickering beneath the warm rays of sunlight that streamed in through the cracked open window of my old Gryffindor common room dormitory. In nothing but my favourite Quidditch boxers, goosebumps prickled along the muscled skin of my abdomen. I could see the dust particles floating from my worn quilts if I squinted hard enough.
It had been twenty four hours since the unspeakable encounter with Lily.
I was not okay in any way, shape or form.
"Is he drunk?" 
There was a quiet pause as I slowly lifted my head to see Remus and Sirius both staring at Peter. He cowered into the wall, muttering what sounded like an apology.
"Does he look drunk?" Sirius demanded in immediate outrage. Out of everyone, Padfoot had taken the news worst. I'd avoided everyone that afternoon, ignoring Sirius's probing questions as to whether I spoke to Lily or not. This was answered for him when neither her or Marlene turned up to dinner. The next day i'd refused to speak to anyone until eventually fifth period ended, and Sirius practically dragged me by the ear to our dormitory. He'd sat me down on me bed and shoved a whiskey into my hand, grasping me by the shoulders for moral support. His sympathy vanished by the time I'd finished sombrely explaining my shameful story.
"You laughed?" He'd exclaimed incredulously as Remus cursed, leaving Peter to look between the three of us in what appeared to be terror. It was the biggest shame of my life to recount what had happened, and even after an hour of going over every single detail in a hoarse voice, Sirius wasn't having a bar of it.
"Sirius." Remus was now sighing, slumping his head into a hand. "That's not helping."
"I couldn't give two fucks."
"He's pissed as a horse, Pete." Moony's responding voice was tired. "Well and truly trollied."
"Pissed." I echoed, raising my whiskey. "And ready to leap off the astronomy tower."
"Shut up." Sirius scowled, turning to glare at me with both hands on his bare hips. Remus muttered some sort of profanity underneath his breath, and I swallowed.
"Sorry."
"Yeah, you should be." He retorted rather bluntly, dragging a hand down the side of his face and taking a seat on the edge of Wormtail's mattress. It creaked slowly in the silence that followed as I tilted my head back. It hit the worn wall behind me with a light thud, and I felt a trickle of whiskey overflow onto my bare chest.
"Absolute fool." Someone muttered.
"A fool? He's a fucking imbecile."
"That's not very nice." I tried to sound witty, but my voice came out slurred.
"What'd he say?"
"Frankly, I'd rather not know."
It was silent for a long while as I closed my eyes, picturing Lily's devastated expression.
"...Do we say something?"
"Shut up, Pete."
"Sorry."
While the silence continued I decided to drain the eddies of my whiskey, letting the bottle fall out of my hand and clatter to the floor. I opened my eyes to watch it roll over the floorboards slowly, Remus, Sirius and Peter turning to follow my gaze. It came to a halt before the door and I breathed a heavy sigh, letting my shoulders slump dramatically.
"Pathetic." Sirius commented.
"I'm a miserable excuse of a man." I mumbled, still staring at the empty whiskey bottle.
"Finally, some sense."
"Sirius, I swear to Merlin if you don't stop insulting him -"
"Calm your tits, Moony. Why is it I'm the only angry one here?"
"I am angry. I'm just being mature about it."
"Peter's not angry."
They both looked to Wormtail, who was glancing between them with a growing frown.
"I'm confused." He admitted. A snort escaped me, my smile instantly fading at the glare Sirius shot my way. Another silence settled over the room before he said rather abruptly,
"Let me get this completely straight." He gulped down the last of his whiskey, slamming the empty bottle onto Remus's nighstand so vehemently that Peter started. Sirius dug in his pocket for a cigarette, taking a precarious seat on the window sill beside me. I was silent as I watched him light the end and cross his ankles, dragging a free hand through his glossy locks. I arched a brow and exchanged a cautious glance with Moony before returning my gaze to the patterned ceiling. This was only the millionth time he'd needed to 'get something straight.'
"So after training - and this was on the fifth floor." Sirius clarified, waiting for me to nod before continuing. "Lily said...she loves you."
"That she was in love with me, actually." I corrected in a hoarse voice.
"Christ." Remus muttered.
"In love?" Sirius repeated mildly, turning to stare at me. "Good Godric, Prongs. This just gets worse and worse."
"What's the difference?" Peter asked after a brief pause.
"Never you mind," Sirius waved a dismissive hand as Remus's eyes slowly closed in exasperation. "So she confessed this to you, and it was all very intense and romantic and meant to be."
I tilted my head slightly, focussing on a small burnt piece of wallpaper and vaguely wondering what had happened to it. Probably the firework I'd let off in fifth year.
"Not really, no."
Sirius blinked. "Alright well, it would've been, if you hadn't ruined it."
I nodded.
"Great, so - the Lily Evans, who you've unfathomably obsessed over for six years, said that she was in fact, in love with you. Correct?"
I dragged my eyes to Sirius, offering him my best snarl. He nodded, removing the cigarette from the corner of his mouth to exhale a cloud of smoke.
"Right, that's what I thought."
"Wanker." Remus remarked quietly. "Sirius, not you." he added, glancing to me
"Those exact words." I tried to drawl but it came out more of a strangled groan. Everything was slightly better now that I was drunk, but when I'd first confessed the long story, I'd been in a similar state to Moony the morning after Amy Donovan had used him for rebound sex.
Another silence followed as I grappled for a Merlin know's what number bottle of whiskey, trying and failing to open it on the corner of my nightstand.
"How much has he had?"
"Just let him have the fucking drink, Sirius."
"Think he needs help opening it?" Peter sounded concerned. My hand slipped and I cut a finger on the sharp lid, warm blood trickling onto my hand. I cursed, letting my head roll forwards and slump into my chest in defeat. A pattering of footsteps followed.
"Need a hand?"
"He doesn't deserve your help."
"Shut up, Sirius."
"No." I moaned, fumbling with my other hand. "It's fine."
Seconds passed before I felt a tingling feeling in my finger and the cold bottle of whiskey disappeared. I opened my eyes to see Remus standing before me with it open and extended in his hand. He gave me a meek smile as I accepted.
"Thanks." My voice was scarcely more than a whisper as sipped gently, turning to admire the way the sunlight shone flickering shadows on the walls.
"Just to be clear." Sirius said after a moment's pause. "She said the exact sentence 'I'm in love with you? Or was it -"
"Yes Padfoot, that's what she bloody said." I snapped.
"Wow." He murmured, stroking his chin and gazing out of the window as though in deep thought. I grumbled, averting my eyes to the frothing whiskey in my hand.
"And, so - " I cursed internally at Sirius's tone, yet again breaching the empty silence. "That really happened, then." He was saying, still stroking his chin. "Not a dream, or anything."
I dragged my eyes to Sirius and threatened to dismember his favourite part.
"Savvy." He commented.
"Let's not do this again." Remus cut in hastily as I opened my mouth to retort. "We need a solution, not to dwell any longer on the problem."
"Oh, I'm definitely doing this again." Sirius replied almost instantly. Moony silently retreated into Peter's mattress, offering me a look that said 'you kind of deserve it.'
I scowled and dragged my eyes back to the patterned ceiling. 
"And you - let me get this correct - " Sirius cleared his throat, turning to me with a cigarette and whiskey in either hand. "Laughed in her fucking face?"
"I did do that."
"She told you she's in love with you, and you laughed."
"That is what happened."
Sirius leapt to his feet, pulling at the ends of his hair. He looked positively deranged.
"Ahem." Remus coughed from the corner in attempt o discreetly gage Padfoot's attention.
"Are you fucking kidding me James?" He was demanding, completely ignoring Moony. "How long have you been waiting for this? How long have we been waiting for this? Do you understand the severity of this?"
"I know." I groaned miserably, covering my face a hand in shame. "I am plenty aware."
"You've actually waited your entire life." He was exclaiming now, pacing past a still frowning Remus. I anticipated the blessed moment where he was yet to step in, insisting Padfoot abate his verbal tangent, of which continued heatedly.
"I just cannot believe," Sirius was saying through gritted teeth, waving his cigarette through the air."that Lily - the Evans - gave you one chance, and you actually blew it. You blew it, James." He repeated, pausing to stare at me. "You absolute fucking idiot."
"Don't be too harsh on him." Moony finally cut in with a sharp look. "It's not as if he was laughing at her for admitting it. He was laughing because... he was too foolishly happy to form words." He gave me a stern look. "And extremely foolish it was."
Sirius scoffed.
"Actually," I wiped my mouth with the back of a hand. "It's because she said she 'knows the feelings aren't mutual.' And that she 'can't have me'."
Remus blinked. "Good lord."
"Bugger." Peter mumbled as Sirius turned on his heel to stare at me.
"That's where you're supposed to sweep her off her feet and smog her." He hissed, dragging a hand down the side of his face.
"She thinks I was laughing at her for fancying me." I swallowed, shaking my head and continuing in a slightly strangled voice. "She actually thinks that I - me, James - doesn't fancy her."
"Ah," Remus muttered, folding his arms with a faint grimace. "Well, yes...that is an issue."
"It's a disaster." Sirius was groaning, still pulling a hand through his hair. "You've ruined everything."
"How on earth are you more of a mess than James?" Remus demanded as I absentmindedly groped beneath my bed for the hipflask I used to hide as a keepsake.
"Because," I drawled, unscrewing the lid with my free hand. I shoved an arm behind my head, leaning back against the headboard to raise the hipflask in praise. "I'm a drunk fool." I slurred, taking a long swig and sloshing a large portion of it down my front. Remus sighed and muttered something that I couldn't hear.
"So." I dragged my eyes to Sirius, who was staring at me in vague disgust, to Peter who looked as though he'd soiled himself, and finally Remus, whose frown had embedded itself into his forehead permanently.
"Er - so?" He raised his eyebrows.
"You knew." I said in a strained voice. "You both knew, didn't you?"
"Well -"
"And I thought I was stupid." Sirius scoffed, letting out loud belch that made Remus shoot him a disdainful look.
"I didn't know." Peter offered unhelpfully.
"Thanks, Wormy." I scratched the scar on my bare torso absentmindedly."She... she really told you lot, then?" I asked, glancing between a disgusted Sirius and frowning Remus. "I mean, you're fucking kidding me, right?"
"We," Sirus said, gesturing to himself and Remus. "Unlike you," He gestured to me. "Are not stupid. Now due to this, we noticed a large change in Lily's behaviour towards you."
"A rather big one." Remus cut in, raising his tankard as if in praise to himself as he leant back against Peter's bedpost. "Might I add. It was more of a shrewd guess, really. But I mean," he hesitated. "it's a bit fucking obvious James."
"Great." I muttered as Sirius grumbled something in agreement, resuming his seat on the end of my bed and shaking his head.
"We assumed, really." Remus corrected, wrinkling his nose and flinching away from the dust coated bedpost beside him. "Ew," he muttered under his breath, sliding a finger down the inch of dust and leaning in to squint at it.
"And - " Sirius paused, blinking at him. "Remus, what the fuck are you doing?"
Moony hastily dropped his hand, straightening up.
"Nothing, sorry."
Sirius stared at him strangely for a moment before turning to me. "Anyways - we noticed that the woman was very blatantly head over heels for you." He waved his hands about animatedly. "Completely Infatuated. The flirting, the teasing, it was never ending."
"Flirting?" I echoed, gazing into the distance and trying to remember all the conversations I'd shared with Lily over the last few months.
"You are a naturally flirtatious person." Remus said to me with a little grimace, as if that explained everything.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
He shrugged. "You were too thick to realise that when you turn away, she stares at you the exact same way that you do whenever she isn't looking."
"Really?"
"Really." The three of them said in unison.
I blinked. "So she's been flirting with me."
Sirius snorted. "Nonstop."
"Every hour." Remus added.
"Of every day." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Although I don't think she does it on purpose."
"So all along," I swallowed audibly. "I didn't realise she was flirting back with me, because...I didn't even know I was doing it myself. Or...because I'm always flirting, I can't tell the fucking difference. Or -" I loosed a deep breath, straightening up slightly. "Because up until this year, she's hated my guts, and so I just assumed this is how she treats everyone."
Remus winced. "Looks like it."
I stared at him. "I am an idiot."
"Got that right." Sirius snorted in agreement.
"And no one thought to, oh I dunno, tell me?" I demanded, straightening up to glare at them.
Sirius spluttered. "Excuse me if I recall after training, I tried to convince y -"
"But before that!" I roared, waving my arms around uselessly. "That was today! I mean before Lily started to ignore me! You say she's fancied me for months - why was I left in the dark?"
"It was out of respect for Lily." Remus cut in apologetically. "Padfoot and I took a wild guess at it - Marlene merely confirmed our suspicions. But according to her, Lily would lose her shit out if we knew. So..." he shrugged, grimacing. "Also, we did all think you'd cotton on much quicker than this."
"'All?'" I repeated through gritted teeth.
"Er." Remus winced again. "It's...kind of a running bet."
I blinked. "A running bet."
"Everyone knows." Sirius put in, glancing to me nonchalantly. "And I mean literally everyone, as in the entire school. It's so obvious I could cry."
"He's right." Remus glanced between us hesitantly. "Sorry, Prongs."
Sirius snorted. "Thickheaded troll. Took you long enough."
I took another swig of whiskey. "I am the world's biggest idiot, aren't I?"
Remus sighed. "No, James, yo-"
"Yes." Sirius interrupted with a nod, seizing another whiskey from the crate beside him. "Biggest idiot ever, Prongs."
"And I'm a prick." I mumbled weakly, scratching the back of my neck."A big ol' prick."
Remus sighed impatiently. "Look at it this way -"
"Yes, again." Sirius cut in, puffing a cloud of smoke from the corner of his mouth. "A huge, slimy old prick."
"A great, wanking tosser." I stared into the contents of my whiskey, Lily's words echoing in my mind on repeat. "'Insensitive, arrogant prick', she called me."
Remus was scowling at this point, folding his arms.
"Come on, now -"
"Hey," Sirius cut in, his hand shooting into the air as if struck with a brilliant idea. "What about 'blithering git'? Have we got that down yet?"
"Oo." I raised my whiskey, with an inclination of my head. "We haven't, that's a good one Padfoot."
"Sirius, this is not a competition of who can insult James the most." Remus hissed, glaring at him. "This is serious."
"I'm Sirius." He retorted with a straight face. It was deadly silent before he snorted loudly, only stopping after several minutes when he abruptly noticed my unimpressed face.
"I'm done, I promise." He scratched the back of his neck. "Sorry, Moony."
I glared at him. Sirius coughed deeply, patting his chest. "And Prongs."
A few moments of silence passed as we sipped on our whiskey, each of us gazing into a different spot of the room, lost in thought.
"Oh!" Sirius exclaimed abruptly, shooting a hand into the air in a manner that reminded me of Lily in first year.
"What now?" Remus snapped irritably, rounding on him. We both snorted.
"Even better, Prongs - " Sirius went on, ignoring him entirely. "What was it, blinking toerag? Is that what she used to call you?"
"Arrogant," I mumbled, seizing a feather pillow from behind me and stuffing it into my face. "Arrogant, toerag. I am an arrogant toe rag, aren't I?" My voice came out slightly muffled.
"James." I heard Remus's sigh from somewhere to my right. "You are not an arrogant toerag. This is fixable." His tone was firm. "Give her a little while to be pissed, and then try speaking to her - maturely."
"I beg to differ," Sirius cut in, the sound of swishing whiskey filling my ears. "Hate to break it to you, mate but, you blew it."
"You've already said that." I growled into my pillow.
There was a brief paused.
"What did he say?" Someone hissed.
"I don't know, why don't you ask him?"
"Well look at him, he's a fucking mess."
"I am so tempted to throw this bottle at your head, right now - "
"FUCK!" I screamed into my pillow, cutting Remus's sentence short. I abruptly wrenched it from my face and tossed it towards the dormitory floor, watching it thud to the ground in an unsatisfying manner.
"Fuck everything. Fuck it all, fuckity, fuck, fucking fuck." I dragged a clammy hand down the side of my face. "Fuck." I repeated hoarsely.
Sirius and Remus were silent as they exchanged a nervous glance.
"You know what," I scratched my head with a free hand. "I honestly don't know who to listen to out of you gits."
"That's offensive." Sirius muttered.
Remus scowled. "You should listen to me, James. Sirius doesn't know anything."
There was a gasp. "That was uncalled for, you traitorous bastard."
"Just shut up, please." 
"I'm going to ignore the both of you." I lifted my whiskey. "And continue drowning myself in whiskey."
"Well, that'll fix everything." Sirius said sarcastically.
"Sirius, please."
"I'm just being realistic."
"No, you're being a pratt."
A long, heavy sigh escaped me as I slumped back against my pillows, causing my four poster bed to rattle. This entire situation was inexplicably ludicrous.
"I'm also going stare at this ugly wallpaper." I added, gazing at the ceiling. "It's so ugly, I never realised before."
There was a vague indistinguishable mutter in the background as Remus's said "You do that."
His weak voice was the last thing I heard before blacking out.
I was royally fucked.