I could hear what sounded like whispers. But then I heard those whispers escalate to high voices. Frantic voices. Those voices I recognised. I wanted so badly to say something, to speak up. I wanted that voice in particular to talk to me, to assure me everything's okay. But things weren't okay. And I knew that. I knew things weren't okay, and so did he. That's why my body refused to wake up. That's why I wanted to stay unconscious. As much as I tried to stay asleep, I needed to open my eyes. I couldn't keep them so frantic and scared. I couldn't cause them more trouble.
Everything around me was white. The ceiling was white. The walls were white. The blinds were white. The sheets covering my body were white. The only thing that wasn't white was my attire, as well as the four people in the room. I had trouble adjusting to my surroundings. I blinked a few times and tried to move, but found that impossible as my body felt weak. My grunting caught attention of the people around me and they all instantly looked at me. Carol had her motherly worried expression. Anna seemed scared, her eyes somewhat watering. Melissa seemed deep in her doctor role, with her strong expression yet tender eyes. Then, lastly, the one expression that broke me apart was the teary eyed, torn expression of Ashton. He was the first to rush to my side and hold my hand. Melissa then approached, and so did Carol and Anna.
"Samantha honey, how are you feeling?" Melissa asked.
I cleared my throat and gulped to answer, "I've got a headache."
Melissa nodded her head explaining that when I lost consciousness, I hit my head against the ground and so a headache is the aftermath of such an incident. As her words were registered, my brain seemed to knock me out of my weak state as I was hit by what really took place in her office earlier. My body stiffened, my heart raced, my breathing was hard to control. Pregnant. Test positive for pregnancy. Pregnant. I heard those words on repeat in my mind. I must be imagining things, this must be a trick of my brain due to the hit caused by my falling. It must be it. This must be the reason. My pale face must've been an indication to the others that something was wrong, and so Ashton asked the one thing at the tip of everyone's tongue.
"Sam, what's wrong?"
My eyes met his. His hazel, watery eyes. And my eyes filled with desperate tears once again. Shaking my head, I looked around frantically, and my eyes connected to Melissa. I guess she understood what I needed. Help. I didn't understand what was happening. How could I answer him when I, myself, don't understand if this is real or just a trick my brain is playing on me?
Melissa moved closer to me and she looked at the rest. She told them how I took an appointment with her because I was feeling sick and was scared I'd have caught an infection or virus.
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming here?" Ashton interrupted Melissa as he asked me tenderly.
"I-I...I needed to go alone," I mumbled, my voice cracking with fear at what's to leave Melissa's lips.
Ashton squeezed my hand and I knew he was telling me he's here. And that alone made my chest constrict.
"I did a blood test and urine test to find out what's going on with Samantha," Melissa continued. "Her blood test came back negative for any viruses or infections."
She stopped and looked down to me, her eyes told me the one thing I feared. My brain wasn't playing tricks on me. It was all real. The test did come back positive for pregnancy. I'm pregnant. An aftermath of my rape was pregnancy. My eyes pooled with tears, soon they were falling down my cheeks. I shook my head, merely shook my head as my body couldn't function with much energy.
"No, no," I repeated in a hushed broken voice.
Melissa looked at me with sympathy, pity. I heard Carol take a sharp in-take of breath. She must've figured it out.
"What? What is it? What's wrong?" Ashton asked frantically, his eyes looking from me to Melissa.
"The urine test came back positive," Melissa said.
"No, no. It can't. Please, no," I cried.
"Positive for what?" Anna asked, her voice shaking.
"Samantha's pregnant," Melissa answered their question.
Anna gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. Carol shook her head sadly. Ashton froze. His hand in mine was limp. He didn't say anything. He didn't let out any sign of his reaction.
"It has to be wrong, something must be wrong," I begged Melissa, my tears cascading down my cheeks.
"I'm sorry sweetie," Melissa said tenderly.
"No, no, no," I yelled. "This isn't right. No."
I seemed crazy. My body was shaking, I was hyperventilating. I couldn't control my body, my breathing, nor could I control my speech. I didn't know what was happening around me, but suddenly two strong arms were wrapped around me and I was pressed against a strong heaving chest. Ashton was holding me close, his hands making sure my head was pressed to his chest. I cried into his chest, my hands fisted against his chest.
"NO. NO. NO," I yelled again and again, trying to break from his embrace. I didn't know why, but my body was fighting everything. But I was too weak. And finally I let my limbs drop to his embrace, as I shook against him with every sob that escaped my lips.
"I should've known," Carol mumbled once my sobbing had subsided and silent tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was still encased in Ashton's embrace.
"It's not something you can find out straight after such a thing," Melissa spoke up. "It takes time for symptoms to arise and for the person to find out. It's been two weeks and Samantha's symptoms of sickness just kicked in."
I sniffed, closing my eyes as I didn't want my mind to ponder on the subject.
"It was impossible for us to find out when we did the first test," Melissa explained. "Samantha hasn't been on birth control. Her menstrual cycle seems to have last occurred before her attack. The possibility of such an outcome is very common after such attacks."
It's true. I've never been on birth control. I don't have a mother who guided me through birth controls and their use. I've tried it once when I heard Angela talking about how she needed to go pick up her prescription. I had joined her that day and she'd help me get them. I used them for a while but their side effects were very strong to me. I was always bloated, mood swings were out of control, and I just couldn't accept the idea of taking medications that would alter my hormones. So I stopped taking them. When the time comes, a condom would be the answer to protection. And Melissa was right. I had my last menstrual cycle, my period, before Kevin attacked me. I was stupid not to remember.
"What now?" Ashton spoke for the first time after Melissa dropped the news.
I looked up at him, wanting to see what he's really thinking. His face was blank, his jaw tight, his eyes were red. That's when I figured out that I wasn't the only one sniffing when I was pressed against his chest sobbing. And more tears pooled at my eyes by the mere realisation.
"You have three options now," Melissa answered.
Everyone looked at her, awaiting what the options were. Carol, of course, was aware of these options as she's had two kids. The look she had wasn't an indication that one of the options I have is the best solution.
"Like I tell all my patients, especially the young ones who don't want to go through this, it's best to make a decision as early as possible." Melissa took in a deep breath before continuing, "You could have the child or end the pregnancy."
Why was it that both the options placed such heavy weight on my chest? Both aren't what I want. It's impossible to ask for what I want, and these options are just both so hard to imagine. I want this to turn out to be a mistake, but that'll never happen. I cannot have this child. I don't know if I have it in me to end it, to kill the baby.
"Ending it means an abortion. And the earlier you make that decision, the best. You're two weeks along. The baby is just a fetus. If the abortion is your choice then it is best to do it before your sixth week."
Carol was listening intently to Melissa, she seemed to be calculating every word said. Anna was out of place, as if she had no idea what everything said means. Ashton was just listening, his arms still around me.
"Having the baby means two things, and this is your second and third option. You could give birth and give the baby up for adoption. Or you could keep and raise the baby."
Having the baby meant showing I was pregnant. It meant everyone will start asking questions and wanting to know the father of the baby. It meant my mom and George will know. They'll kill me. Kevin will have to find out. An abortion? Can I go into a room and have a doctor kill a forming human being? Can I do that? I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know.
"I-I...um.." I couldn't form words. I couldn't come up with anything to say.
"It's okay. You don't have to make a decision now. Take some time to think and when you've made up your mind you can drop by," Melissa assured me, her hand on top of my own.
I nodded. That's all I did.
"Will she have to stay overnight?" Ashton asked.
"No, I'll get her discharge papers and you guys can head home."
Melissa excused herself to get the papers she mentioned, leaving us all in what has to be the most intense silence. It stretched on for a minute or two and then finally, Carol broke the silence.
"I'm going to ask for a paper for school."
Anna, Ashton, and I gave Carol questioning looks.
"You guys have caught a stomach flu and can't attend school for a few days," she explained, filling us in on what she's got planned.
"Me as well?" Anna asked surprised.
"Yes, you as well. Samantha had the stomach flu and now it's passed on to you and Ashton," Carol explained.
It actually sounds believable. Everyone saw how weird I was during the week, and my biology class did witness my running out of class to throw up after the frog dissection. So I guess they'll buy it. And besides, I won't be missing much work as we're all getting revision for the exams we have before the end of the first semester.
"I think that'll work," Ashton mumbled.
Carol dismissed herself to head to the reception and get started on the paper. So it was me, Ashton, and Anna left in the room. Anna was hesitant as to what to do or if to say anything. Ashton noticed that and he sighed as he beckoned her over. She came closer to us and I could notice the conflict in her eyes.
"Sit down Anna. It's okay," Ashton softly told his sister. And so she settled at the end of the bed. Her eyes connected with mine, and she sniffed once, placing her hand on my leg, her touch telling me she's here to support me.
"Wh-what...this can't be real," I stammered out.
"It's okay. We'll figure it out," Ashton hushed me, his lips close to the side of my head.
"I don't want this. I can't..." I stopped mid sentence, my throat tightening.
"I know," was all Ashton said as he placed a kiss on the side of my head.
"We're here with you Samantha. Don't worry," Anna spoke up for the first time.
The house was quite. Very quite. Carol locked the door behind her as we entered. Everyone was quite during the ride home, and everyone was still quite as we entered the house. I couldn't utter a word. I couldn't come up with a full sentence. I didn't know what was happening to me. Was it the shock? Was it the panic? I didn't know. All I knew was, I wanted to close my eyes and just forget everything, live in the dream where my dad and Ashton were laughing and talking about soccer. I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up from that dream. But that was impossible. Because this was really happening. A human being was inside me, slowly forming and growing. The little human being held my genes and the genes of a conniving, disgusting Kevin Davis, my future step-brother. The thought alone had me dizzy and sick, so I instantly placed my hand out to hold onto Ashton's arm. He noticed my unsteadiness and wrapped an arm around me.
"Sweetie, you should take her upstairs to rest. Anna and I will prepare dinner," Carol said.
"Sure mom," Ashton agreed, already moving us to the stairs to go up to his room.
Slumping onto the bed, I sat there with my gaze on the floor. How do you react to news that you're pregnant, at 17 years old, with the child of your future step-brother who raped you? I had no idea. I couldn't research it and get some tips on what to do. I had no idea what to do.
"Tell me what's going on in your mind," Ashton broke my train of thoughts. He sat beside me, his knee touching my own.
"I don't know," I let out weakly. "I don't know," I croaked out this time.
"I don't know how to help you Samantha. I want to, but I don't know how," Ashton told me, his voice breaking as he took in a sharp breath.
"No one can Ashton. This can't be helped," I stated, my hands balling into fists. "I was raped by my future step-brother, and now I'm pregnant." I said it, I finally stated reality. It hit me so hard when it left my mouth. It shook me into reality, into desperation.
"We'll figure it out. We're gonna figure it out," Ashton stated, his hand squeezing my knee.
The thing is, there's nothing to figure out. They keep saying that we'll find "a way", we'll "figure it out". But what is there to figure out? I'm pregnant. A baby is growing inside me. It's done. There's no going back. I've got three choices, to terminate this, give the baby up for adoption, or have the baby. And the truth is, I don't know if I can make a choice, because they're all horrific to me right now. So with that swirling in my mind, anger surges through me and I feel the need to spurt everything out, because for once, I deserve to be angry and to lash out. It's the least I deserve. I jump off the bed, surprising Ashton, and run my fingers through my hair, a sign of my desperation.
"There's no figuring out. Can't you see? It's done Ashton. I'm pregnant. I have this little human being inside me. Kevin's human being. It's growing and there's no going back. I'm only 17. I'm 17 and pregnant. This wasn't supposed to happen. I'm 17, pregnant with my future step-brother's baby. There is nothing to figure out. I am pregnant and there's no figuring out," I yell out the last part with a heaving chest as tears have rolled down my cheeks.
Ashton doesn't hesitate to move from his spot and come stand in front of me. His hand cup my cheeks and his thumb instantly start wiping my tears away. His eyes are glossy with tears, his adam's apple bopping as he's gulping down the urge to let his tears fall.
"I know," was all he uttered, as his voice was quickly betraying him.
"I just....I don't know," I let out a heavy breath, my eyes closing to the touch of his finger.
"What do you want Samantha? Just tell me what you want me to do. Please just tell me what you want me to do," Ashton begged me, his eyes frantic as he searched for answers in my own.
Gripping his wrists, I looked into his eyes and told him the one thing I was afraid of after learning I was carrying Kevin's baby. "Please..just...just don't leave me. As complicated as this is, please don't leave me Ashton." My voice was shaky, it was scratchy from my crying and from my desperate request. I watched as his eyes softened, a tear rolled down his cheek, and his breathing calmed down.
"Listen to me very carefully Samantha. I will never, ever leave you. Ever. I don't care if you're pregnant with someone else's baby, or even the mere fact that you're pregnant. It doesn't matter, because I care about you too much to be scared away by something like this. I'll be with you every step of the way. Whatever decision you make, I'll support you. Whatever you need, I'll be there. I'll always be there. I am not leaving. Never. Do you understand me?"
His words were thoroughly registered in my head. They were carved in my mind. I was grateful, I was thankful. It somehow relaxed me. I was too attached to him that since this whole thing, my greatest fear was that he'd be scared away by this and decide to leave. But his words, the way he said them with so much meaning, the way he looked at me with his watery eyes, I believed him. I strongly believed him. And so I let out the unnerving breath that I was holding whenever he was beside me.
"I understand," I whispered. "Thank you." With that out through my lips, Ashton pecked me once, and twice, before resting his forehead against my own.
"I'm here, we're all here for you."
Carol and Anna had set out the table and were awaiting us to start eating. Ashton and I sat down on the empty chairs. The truth is, I wasn't hungry. I couldn't look at food and not feel sick. Carol had prepared pasta and some vegetables. I felt my stomach turn as my eyes moved over the food set on the table.
"You all need to eat," Carol said as she served us all some food.
Anna and Ashton started to eat, but all I could do is hold my breath as the smell of what has to be delicious pasta made me sick. I reached for the glass of water and drank a bit of that. Carol seemed to be eyeing me, making sure I was all right. Just to make her feel better and not seem rude, I picked up my fork and took a bite of the pasta that was covered with tomato sauce. Swallowing, the food tasted metallic. Guess it's a pregnancy thing. Carol let out a breath, easing her nerves I guess. I took another bite. But that's when it made me feel worse, and I was soon running to the bathroom located by the kitchen. I was throwing up almost everything I ate today. Heaving with agony and tiredness, I slumped to the ground as Carol was right beside me, offering me some water which I gulped down. Ashton was also there, and so was Anna. Ashton was looking torn as he watched his mom help me take sips of water. She placed strands of my hair behind my ear and stroke my arm. She then handed Anna the cup of water and helped me stand up. The moment I was on my feet, Carol wrapped her arms around me and gave me a motherly embrace. My tears were waterfalls once again.
"It's okay, it's okay. I know honey, I know. It's okay, it's okay," she kept repeating as she rubbed my back.
With my chin resting on her shoulder, I saw Ashton standing against the door frame, his fingers running though his already messed up hair. Anna was standing beside him, her arm around him as he looked tired and distraught.
I was soon back in Ashton's bed. He was lying beside me, his hand in mine, his thumb stroking my knuckles. My other hand was on my stomach, and it's funny how it felt dead there. I wasn't stroking my stomach, I didn't have my hand there as to connect with the baby. I just had it there, and when I noticed, it sickened me. Instantly, I moved it away and placed it by my side. My mind was racking though the decisions I had to make.
"I have to tell them," I croaked out, catching Ashton by surprise.
"Who?" He asked.
"Mom and George," I stated.
"Oh."
I looked at him, studying his face, and then looked back up to the ceiling.
"I'm going to tell them. I know they won't believe me, but I have to tell my mom. They'll soon start asking," I explained.
"I'll be there with you," Ashton said, his fingers tightening around my hand.
"I have to do this alone," I stated.
"He'll hurt you Samantha. I can't allow that," Ashton states with anger.
"He won't. I have a baby inside me. I don't think he can hurt more than his son has."
With that, Ashton was quite.
"Okay," he finally let out.
That was the last thing we said before we both fell into a much awaited slumber. I knew it would be the toughest thing telling my mom and George. But I had to. I had to tell my own mother that her future step-son raped me. That he got me pregnant. Maybe that'll stop her from marrying George, maybe she'd finally believe me. I doubt it. I doubt it'll make much difference. But maybe this could be a way for me to leave that house, even if they kick me out. I'm pregnant at 17 with my future step-brother's boyfriend and I have to choose whether to end this pregnancy or have this baby, and truthfully I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if I can live with a baby of Kevin growing inside me. I don't know if I can come to accept this child. I simply don't know. All I know is I thought my life before was the worst I could go through, but I was wrong. This is the worst time of my life, and I'm giving up hope asking God for help, asking Him for a break, asking Him for something good. Because now I know. Now I am certain that I am destined to live a life where no good comes. Maybe the only good was Ashton, maybe that's why I met him. Because he'd be the only good thing helping me stay up during the bad I have to face, during the pure pain I've still got to face.