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I don't even know what to say. I bite my lip again. At this point, I'm sure that it's swollen and probably even bleeding since I bite it so much.
I died? Three times? That's just so... unreal. Three close calls. So close that my whole life could have ended in an instant. So close that I never would have been able to open my eyes again. See the world again.
Kai's stitches become more noticeable once my thoughts take over my head. I feel the needle puncture my skin again and I wince in pain, stifling a whine.
"You're okay." Kai says. "Only two more to go and we're done this one."
I look at him.
"This one?" I repeat.
He nods.
"I'm talking about your side. I'll have to check it but by what Jimin described, it'll most likely need stitches as well. If so, it's a little more meaty there, so it'll hurt a touch more, but nothing that you can't handle." He looks up and shows me a charming smile. Then he pricks me again, my nose scrunching. "There is also a decent gash on the back of your arm here, but I'm sure that steri-strips will be enough."
I feel blood soaking my clothes at this point. A lot more than when I actually fell on the glass. I just can't wait until I can take a shower and change. I feel disgusting.
"In fact." He continues. "I think that's what gotten you so far at this point. Any other person probably wouldn't even be able to survive what you've been through. The physical trauma itself would be enough to kill one from shock. But not you. You're strong. Not only physical, but you've been through mental and emotion trauma too. And you're still here. Of course, you're hurt and need recovery, but I'd say your pain tolerance is pretty high because an average person wouldn't be able to even take the stitches alone. Yet you're here. Talking to me. With your head on straight. I'll admit you impress me."
He says as he finishes the last stitch and begins forming the knot.
"Strong willed." He says as he pulls the thread through and cuts the excess off.
"That's Y/N, all right." Jimin says, staring at you admirably. "She's been like that from the get-go. When we met her the first time she was shot the night before. Still managed to fight three of us off."
Kai chuckles, wiping down the wound preparing a bandage.
"I don't know if that's embarrassing or impressive." He grins, amused.
Then Jimin realizes what he says and his face tints pink. He shrugs and stutters, but we both laugh.
"Oh shut up." He mumbles.
"But I know what you mean." Kai says, grinning.
You just keep your gaze down on what Kai is doing. He pushes the bandage on gently and smooths out the tape with the side of his fist. There's a dull pain but after pulling the glass out and stitching, it was pretty much nothing.
"Lay down on your side." He says, fumbling with something on the tray.
I gulp and slowly slide down the table, laying down on my side. Everything in my body begins to ache and I wince, letting out a small whimper.
Jimin puts his head next to mine as he draws circles on my arm with his pinky. Even from discolouration from the bruises, I can still see the bags under his eyes, hanging heavy. He looks tired. I wonder how much sleep he's even gotten in the past few days. Between Namjoon and his best friend. On top of that me, his responsibility. I wouldn't be able to sleep.
His black hair falls sideways over his eyes and his lips are puffed out slightly as he blows soft air between a small gap in the middle. His eyes follow his finger as it traces now figure-eights. It's so childish, but amusing at the same time. It enhances his unique youthful charm. It's pretty adorable if you're seeing him for the first time.
The caring and selfless child. The one who just wants to help others feel better whether it's emotionally or physically. I see it in Kai too. They're similar in a lot of ways and I've only known Kai for an hour.
These traits make me wonder if it's the reason they became a doctor or not. Maybe not everything goes their way. People die. People destroy themselves over things that they've done. Jimin and Kai know that they can't stop that. But they can save the people that they can here.
Living the life that they live, I know for a fact that people are dying all the time. Living in such a cruel environment with such compassion for others must be difficult. There's not much room for selflessness and sympathy around here. It's not how you survive. Being in the medical field is their outlet. They know that by saving even one person in this life, they can make a difference. Big or small. It doesn't matter to them. As long as they can contain even the slightest amount of compassion, it's all that matters to them.
That's the beauty of it.
Me on the other hand, have limited compassion. Of course I'm empathetic at times, but not often usually. I know what it takes to survive. I understand sacrifice. I make hard decisions even though they aren't the best for others. Typically I'm the kind to leave others out in the cold. I'm a prick a lot of the time. Don't care much for others. I've been with my brother for years. He's the only one I've ever been completely open with. My trainers too. I've known them since I was a kid. But for others, I've never been a very compassionate person.
Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to be born like that. Would it make me a better person? Probably. In a lot of ways. But would it make me softer than I already am? Hell yeah.
But then considering Jimin's viciousness when he needs it, I wonder what made him like that. Something that happened in his childhood for sure. He's naturally a loving and caring person, but from what I've seen, when he needs to use his defences , he'll pull out all the stops.
I'll bet Kai is the same way too.
A burning sensation spreads throughout the wound on my side and I grunt quietly, gripping the table. Jimin moves his head and rests his chin on my arm lightly.
But then he frowns a bit. He looks away, chewing his cheek a bit. I bring my eyebrows together.
"You okay?" I ask, confused. I feel the needle being pushed through my skin once again. I suck in a breath.
His eyes fall onto me again. "Yeah.. just you know... I don't know."
I shift a bit.
"What's wrong? Something's bothering you."
"No, not at all."
"You don't have a very good poker face."
He sighs a little.
"I'm just thinking about the other night. Something that happened. I still don't understand, nobody has talked about it yet and it's bothering me a bit."
I narrow my eyes in confusion. "Jimin, I'm not following here. A lot of shit happened, you're gonna have to be more specific."
He looks nervous now. It's making me nervous too.
"Y/N.." he whispers. "You.. killed a man. In cold blood. For me."
My jaw tightens. Kai's hands stop moving.
He continues. "Just shot him. Right between the eyes without even blinking. I know that you and I are close, but you have no idea what I've done. I deserved that bullet. That girl I saw that night. it wasn't you. That was somebody else. Because I know you and I know that it's everything you stand against; killing somebody without reason. Killing an innocent."
"No, Jimin." I snap at him, catching him by surprise. "He was not innocent. You have no idea what he did." Now, my voice is rising a little bit.
"That girl you saw that night was me. The real me. Me under pressure. Me, who went though hell and back that night and then was forced to point a fucking gun to your head. It was me making the choice that had to be made. And I would make it again. Without knowing the full story, you can't come in here and accuse me of murder, saying that you don't know who I am. So if you really can't look at me without those thoughts going through your head, just leave."
My voice shakes as I finish. I turn my head, looking away from him. I look over my shoulder at Kai, who has his eyes down, not saying anything. When I turn, his eyes lift.
"Did I say to stop?" I snap and he sighs, picking the needle up again and puncturing my skin. I let my head fall back onto the pillow, shutting my eyes.
"No." Jimin says. "Kai can you leave us for a second please?" He asks quietly. I hear rustling and then the door clicking shut.
I open my eyes after a few seconds to see Jimin staring at me intently.
"You're right." He says quietly. "I don't know the full story. I didn't try to understand your perspective. Jumping to conclusions is not what I typically do, but my mind is just spinning and going crazy right now. I'm going crazy." He chuckles a bit.
"The others are always away. Most of them are decent enough to work now and are already back on the job, but I'm not cleared yet because of my injuries. I have a concussion too that they don't trust is okay to work yet and I'm isolated from the others. It's lonely. I can't even find the time to talk to them about these things bothering me. I'm just stewing here."
He looks down to his feet, taking in a shaky breath. When he looks back at me, his eyes are watering.
"I don't know anything. I don't know if Namjoon is going to live. I don't know if Taehyung is going to fully recover. I don't know if you're going to be an even bigger target, in even more danger than before. I don't know how the others are holding up because we have barely spoken to each other in the past couple days unless it was business related. I'm stuck here in my own thoughts and it's killing me alive. So please. Tell me. Enlighten me. Because sitting in the dark here is tearing me apart."
A tear rolls down his cheek and he chews his lip, wiping it away.
"I.." I start, not even knowing how to start. Seeing him like this hurts me. I never knew he was holding all of this inside. He's broken. Maybe not physically like Namjoon or Taehyung, but mentally. I've never seen him so frantic and upset. And I completely understand what he means. Especially a guy like him, it must be hard to go through. I guess the most I can do it help him. Be there for and with him.
He rolls his earring between his two fingers, now obviously feeling awkward from the silence.
He nods slightly and begins to stand up. "Okay.." he whispers and begins to walk toward the door.
How do I even tell him?
He reaches the door and places his hand on the handle.
I don't want him to go. I want to tell him, I really do, but how?
The knobs twists, letting out a small creak.
No..
"He tried to rape me." I choke out, a stinging being brought to my eyes. He stops and turns around slowly. But his expression is completely different. Instead of the frustration and sadness he was showing, not more than 30 seconds ago, rage and fury possessed his features. It surprised me a little.
"What?" He growls in such a low tone, that I look around to see if somebody else is in the room. I haven't heard that voice since the first night he took me.
He begins walking back toward me again, but stops in front, instead of sitting down again.
"I- I ditched Namjoon." I sigh. "I was going to turn myself in so that I could keep the rest of you safe. I went back to our cars to try find... anything really. Keys, weapons, something to help me out in any way. The SUV that first attacked us was still there, but nobody was there. I was hoping to find ammo or something."
"What did you find." He tilts his head. But in a sort of unsettling way.
"I found.. nothing.." I lie. Telling him about finding his records would probably make him even more angry. "Just a few casings of bullets. They didn't bring anything. Not even the keys were there."
Chewing his lip, he nods and leans his hands on the chair.
"What next?"
"I left and barely made it 10 steps into the alley before getting jumped." I say, shaking my head, the memory flashing through my head. I close my eyes.
"How many were there?"
"Just the one."
"He raped you?"
"Almost. He grabbed me. Had me pinned down. Put his hand down my pants. I tried fighting back but he smashed my head." I say, my voice breaking. "He was just about to uhm.. unzip but then Jin came out of nowhere. He saved me."
Jimin growls under his breath, turning and taking a few steps, pacing. His hands rest on his head while he closes his eyes, breathing heavily.
"You shouldn't have run." He mumbles.
"Jimin you know I had-"
"No!" He yells, looking at me, causing me to jump. "If you stayed with Namjoon, none of that shit would have happened! You would have been protected. It didn't matter whether we got killed, the purpose is to protect you and only you! And I couldn't even do that." He whispers the last sentence and plops down on the chair, holding his head in his hands.
I sit up slowly, wincing as I do. I completely sit up, letting my legs hang off the side of the table. Jimin's head leans on the table beside me as I place my hand gently on the back of his head.
"I know what you mean." I say softly. "But you have to understand that I make these decisions because it's not a part of some mission for me. I'm making them based on the fact that I could save seven people that have helped me get through the hardest thing I've been through since I was just a kid.
You gave me a safe haven. Kept my mind off of my brother. You are the one who gave me a shoulder to cry on that night I broke down. I made the decision so that those people who I've grown close to wouldn't get killed. People who don't deserve death. Anything could have happened. I could have been raped. I could have been killed. But it was because I was risking myself for you for a good reason.
If I stayed, not just Namjoon and Taehyung would be in bad condition. They would be worse. Along with the rest of you. Seven lives aren't worth one. Especially me. You've protected me more times than I could ask, mentally and physically. You protected me that night, and even if I got the shit kicked out of me at some points, I'm here. I'm not with Hyunsoo. I'm back here with you and the rest of the boys, which is one of the best things that could be happening. You can't be hard on yourself."
His breathing falls into a more steady rhythm as he calms down. But he keeps his head down. When I finish talking, he leans his head gently against my good leg.
"It's just hard to see you do this. Throwing your life in the pits of danger and expecting us to watch. You tear yourself apart every day and it makes me feel helpless. Like sometimes I don't do enough to make you realize how much we care for you and how badly we want to protect you. You're not only our mission. You're a part of us. And you can't only think of sacrificing yourself. We all need to stick together because that's when we're strongest. Just please stop dismissing yourself so quickly. I don't know where I'd be if you were taken or killed. You've made such an impact on us, it'd be hard to let go so easily."
This time he speaks calmly, but he points his head back up at me.
"We can't lose you." He finishes quietly.
I run my hand through his hair gently.
"You won't." I sigh. "You're right. We're better as a team. Sticking together is when we're strongest. I can't throw that away. So I'm done. No more running."
He gives me a small smile.
"Now back to what you were saying." He says in a low voice, his seriousness, but his blind-rage not returning. I chew my bottom lip slightly. "He didn't go all the way with you?"
I shake my head.
"No. He tried. Jin got there just in time. But seeing him at the river..." I suck in a hard breath. "Just made me so angry. Claiming to be innocent. I know damn well what he was going to do to me if he weren't interrupted. It was just.. in my head when I saw him. I flew into some blind rage that I couldn't control. I don't know. Maybe I didn't want to control it."
"I know what you mean. I'm like that sometimes too." He says, but then grabs my hands. "Listen, I'm sorry I freaked. It's just that rape hits a little bit close to home. If you ever want to talk about it, please don't hesitate to pull me aside. That can be traumatic and you need support, which I'm willing to be."
"Thank you." I nod slightly. "That means a lot. But.. I really hope you understand now. You know I would never kill somebody like that if I didn't have a reason. But he just set me off so badly. I wanted him to suffer. I got what I wanted, but honestly, I don't feel better. About any of this." I sniffle.
"It wasn't entirely about him, was it?" He asks, coming to a realization. "Part of your decision was because of Hyunsoo. You wanted to what? Prove a point?"
"I don't know. I think a part of me believed that by killing somebody on his side, it'll satisfy me. As if I were killing a part of him. Make me feel like I've made my family proud. But the truth is, nothing helps. When I killed Hyun-Shik, it didn't help. His guards. The rapist. Nothing helped. It's only temporary at best. Its like I failed them. It's frustrating too because I know I can't touch him. I can't get what I truly want."
Jimin listens intently, lacing our fingers and unlacing them again, playing with them.
"You have made your family proud, Y/n. I might not know them, but I just know. Because I'm proud. The boys are proud. Hell, even Namjoon is going to be proud. That's hard to do." He jokes and I chuckle.
"The point is, no matter how much you do and how much you sacrifice yourself, you're never going to be satisfied. That's just how you are as a person. But beating yourself up over some of these things is not going to help either. Sometimes you just need to step back and look from the outside, in. Check yourself and ask yourself if you're forcing yourself too much. To be happy or satisfied. Deep down you know. You just have to see for yourself. You haven't failed Seho and your family. You haven't failed yourself. You haven't failed me or the boys."
He pauses, the corner of his lip tugging up slightly as he grips my hand, looking up at me admiringly.
"Because you're still here, standing stronger than before."