Jen's pov
'So you're finally moving on?' Jamie asked. I hadn't seen her for several months, because I tried to avoid the friends who are the closest to me. It was just too confronting to talk to them because they knew how important he was to me. She had now insisted on going out for dinner together and I could no longer avoid the confrontation with her. So here we are, waiting for our dinner. I noticed that she had tried all night to avoid asking me these kinds of questions, but her curiosity prevailed.
I rolled my eyes. Another person who asks me if I'm moving on. It seemed to be the question of the last couple of weeks. What they don't get is that moving on isn't easy. It isn't easy when the memories of us together are stuck on replay in my head. Your smile. Your eyes. How happy you made me. Those were some of the best memories of my life and I will never be able to erase them. If I could, then maybe I would. It would be so much easier to move on. To forget you as fast as how you left me.
'I'm trying to, but it's just hard to keep going on like everything is fine. He made me so happy and now I've lost that part of my happiness.'
Jamie took my hand and squeezed it gently. I stared at our hands. 'He wouldn't want you to give up, honey. There is still happiness for you in this world.'
I raised my eyes and looked at her. 'I don't give up and you talk about him like he is already dead. I'm just saying that it's hard without him. You know better than anyone what he meant to me.'
'Meant... you talk about him in the past tense, Jen.'
I sighed. 'I just don't know what to do or think anymore. As long as there is no certainty, it's so hard to pretend that he can't walk in at any moment. It feels like I can wake up at any moment from a nightmare and just lie next to him again, but when I pinch myself I realize how hard this reality is.'
She caressed the top of my hands with her thumbs. 'I know, honey... I know. I'm so proud of how you're handling all of this.'
A tear rolled down my cheek. 'I just want to hug him, tell him it's gonna be alright. Tell him that I'm not as fragile as he thinks I am. But I can't hug him. I can't even hold his hand. I can't tell him that it's gonna be alright, because it's not. Not as long as I'm here and he isn't.'
She carefully wiped the tears from my cheeks as she kept caressing my other hand. 'Come on, beautiful. Pick yourself up, dry your eyes. Everything will be okay, I promise'
I nodded as I dried my eyes. 'Thank you...'
My phone started to vibrate and I noticed that I was called by an unknown, international phone number. A feeling of discomfort washed over me. I looked up at Jamie.
'Pick it up,' she said encouragingly
I nodded and grabbed my phone. 'This is Jennifer speaking'
'Good evening, Mrs. O'Donoghue' an Irish, unknown voice sounded.
I swallowed. I had not heard his last name or said it aloud for ages. The fact that he called me Mrs. O'Donoghue with an Irish accent overwhelmed me even more.
'Are you able to talk?'
'Wait a second.' I stood up, gestured to Jamie that I was going outside for a moment and walked towards the exit of the restaurant.
'Good evening' I said again when I was outside. 'I'm able to talk now. Who is this?'
'This is the Garda Síochána speaking'
'The what?'
'The Irish police service' he replied, slightly annoyed.
My heart was racing and I was afraid that I was about to faint. 'Oh...' I managed to say.
'As you may know, we have been looking for your husband for 7 months now. Unfortunately, we have to make a very unpleasant announcement.'
Panic welled up in my body and I no longer knew what to do to keep myself on both feet. I shook my head in disbelief. 'No... No... is he...?'
There was an awkward silence before he went on. 'We haven't found his body, Mrs. O'Donoghue.'
Even though it was a good sign, it didn't really comfort me. 'But?'
'But unfortunately, we have to stop all the search activities we did to find your husband. We haven't been able to find any clues in all those months.'
I couldn't believe what I just heard. I squeezed my phone so hard that my knuckles turned white and I was almost afraid it would break into a thousand pieces. 'Maybe you should try to search a little better' I snarled back
'Ma'am, I understand your disbelief and anger. Unfortunately, we can't do anything without any clues. '
'And what does that mean?'
'We... We have to declare your husband dead and close his file'
The ground collapsed underneath me. 'What? You can't just do that! You haven't even found a body... He can't be dead.'
'But we haven't found any clues either, and that usually doesn't mean any good'
I lowered myself to the ground with tears running down my cheeks. I didn't even care that I was outside in public. 'You can't just give up... You can't give him up...'
'I'm very sorry, ma'am. As much as I would like to help you, it is, unfortunately, the procedure. We will no longer actively look for Mr. O'Donoghue, but we will, of course, remain alert.'
I stared at my feet and I couldn't manage to form a proper sentence to answer him.
'Mrs?'
'Yes...'
'There is something you need to know''
And what's that?'
'If we declare your husband dead, you will no longer be married. You will no longer be his wife.'
My eyes widened. 'What?'
'Once your spouse has died... There is no one left for you to be married to.'
'But... why? I don't understand'
'Most marriage vows have a clause like 'for as long as we both shall live' or 'till death do us part'. This means that you are both married until one of you dies. At that point, the marriage vow has been fulfilled and the marriage has come to an end. The survivor, so that's you in this case, is no longer married...'