*trigger warning*
It was easy getting round school.
Well... not easy. Not even close, but I had ways to avoid the germs.
If you don't talk to anyone, you don't have to shake hands. If you walk behind people, you don't have to use the doorknob. If you wipe the desk down, and only use your own pens then you can't be given germs.
Hoodies can protect your arms, and automatic taps were life savers.
You couldn't use the school toilets though, or take part in pe, or go to parties.
And it makes you lonely. And it makes you hurt, and it makes you angry and scared, and... depressed.
But cutting gave relief. It cleaned out my body, and relieved the tension, and gave me control.
I sat at my desk, knee bouncing, pen tightly gripped in my hand. Someone in the classroom had a cold- it could pass. My focus kept slipping in and out until I heard my name.
"Yada, Holly, Jake. You need to head to the office,"
I packed my back, quickly tagging on the end of the line before the door shut. It was nicer when the hallways were empty, no opportunity to walk into people.
"Yada, you're in room one for your checkup," she said, directing me down a hall.
A checkup.
With people touching me. With tools touching me. I felt my chest tighten as I reached the door, the thought of them touching me taking over. My palms started sweating, and I was almost crying when the door opened.
"Oh, hello,"
"Don't touch me,"
"Woah, hey, I wasn't going to. I'm Ashton, are you our patient?"
I nodded, my eyes welling up.
"You're scared?"
"Not of you- well of you but not really,"
"Sorry?"
"I don't want you to touch me, or for the tools to touch me, or anything. I don't want the dirt touching me," I stressed, looking him dead in the eye.
"None of our stuff is dirty sweetheart, the main rule of doctor's tools is to make sure it's clean. If you want, we can clean them again together?"
"And wipe the bed,"
"Of course, come inside and we can start okay?"
He held the door open and I entered the large room, three other doctors sat in there. I stood in the middle of the room, feeling vulnerable and exposed.
"Yada and I are going to clean the tools, just to make sure," he announcer, "That's Luke, Calum and Michael. Luke and I take turns while Michael and Calum are taking notes,"
He let me take a wipe and clean the bed, then we put gloves on the cleaned the tools.
"Thankyou for doing this," I said quietly, "I just can't,"
"It's okay; we can talk at the end okay?"
I nodded and thoroughly cleaned the tools, taking the gloves off and washing my hands.
As I had to, I sat down on the bed and watching him and Luke put gloves on.
"Would it be better if I held your hand?" Luke asked.
"With gloves on?"
"Yes,"
"I'm not sure,"
"Okay, if you get super anxious I will do ,"
"This goes under your shirt," Ashton said, taking the stethoscope and waiting for my nod before he used it. The metal on my skin made me uneasy, but I had to remember I'd cleaned it.
"Good job, I know it's hard but try and keep taking deep breaths. I've got my gloves on, can I really quickly feel your neck,"
"Do you have to?"
"Yeah, it'll be quick I promise,"
Gently, he pressed my neck but I ended up leaning away, closing my eyes and sighing.
"Okay, I'm gonna look at your throat instead. Just a light,"
I opened my mouth and let him look, closing it when he looked back to Michael.
I felt jittery, and my hands couldn't stay still as they all looked over my notes and decided what to do next.
"Perhaps you could stand against this wall to check your height?"
Luke had wiped it clean so I complied, also stepping on the scale but refusing to take my shoes off.
"All seems good, do you think you can get through blood pressure?"
"Can I keep my hoodie on?"
"Of course," he smiled, wrapping it round my arm, "while we wait you could talk to Calum,"
"Why?"
"Don't be so scared," Luke smiled, sitting back down.
"I'm a therapist, and deal with things like this a lot actually. We could talk about this, and that," he said, nodding towards my wrist which was slightly exposed.
"You mean this can go away?"
"It can be managed more, definitely. It's nothing to be ashamed of either,"
"Can you talk to my parents?"
"I'll give them a call, but if you could take a note home too it would be great,"
"It's really hard," I admitted, "and it makes you feel so lonely,"
"Do you isolate yourself?"
I nodded and looked down, feeling Ashton take the thing off my arm.
"It's okay, it tends to happen. Who knows, you could be a party animal afterwards," he joked, "we don't want you feeling like that though, I can help,"
Michael was muttering something to Ashton, Luke sitting next to me.
"Yada, we need to give you a shot to make sure you don't get sick, especially because you don't expose yourself to germs as often and your immune system may not be so used to sickness if you get it. I'll put new gloves on and you can watch me get everything out the packet,"
"I don't want to see the needle," I said quietly, "I don't want a needle,"
Luke gently helped lift the hoodie off my arm, Ashton immediately wiping the area.
"Okay, after this it's over. I know it's super stressful for you but you've done so well today. Hopefully I can see you next time for a checkup. You're all done ,"
"You did it?"
"I know, I'm talented," he laughed, letting me put my hoodie on and grab my bag.
Calum handed me a note and I slipped it in my pocket.
"I'll call or email tonight, so we can figure something out. This is something that can get better, I promise,"
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@yadaschreijer