I can't tell the difference of feelings and emotions because in swedish we have the same word for them (känslor) and that word has,,,,one meaning??? So there..isn't a difference? Why do you complicate everything aaaaaaa
Summary: Logan loses his temper after not being listened to one time too many
Warnings: yelling, crying, anger, slight self deprecation and thinking of oneself as useless, briefly hinted touchstarved!logan (blink and you miss it), more crying because logan doesn't know how to respond to any emotion lol, confusion whether a feeling is platonic or romantic, I mean this ends fluffy as usual tho so no worries
Honestly tho don't we all just reach our limit with things and get to the point where someone sneezing in your direction will make you sob like a baby?
--
Logan stood dejectedly and with rising annoyance and observed the others, who were having a lively discussion about what the right thing for Thomas to do was. He had many things to contribute to the argument, and he had tried, he really had tried, to speak his mind.
But every time he gave voice to his thoughts he seemed to be interrupted, no one seemed to have even noticed he tried to say anything. It was like he was not even there with them, as if he was invisible.
Sure, Roman rarely listened to him, he was used to that. Patton and Thomas sometimes payed him attention and cared about his input, but not this time, they weren't even looking at him. But he could stand that, it wasn't the first time this happened. But it seemed that not even Virgil cared what he had to say.
Now that stung, more than Logan would like to admit. Virgil was always the one he counted on to be on his side, the one he felt the most comfortable around. Virgil was also the one he'd happened to start to care the most about. Being ignored by all of them hurt, but the fact that even Virgil seemed to find his opinion irrelevant... Logan pushed down the disappointed feeling that threatened to overtake him, and barely managing to do so. He glared at the others and fixed his tie, about to speak once more.
"Guys, if I could just-" He tried, only to immediately be talked over by Roman who was happily giggling at something that Virgil had said in response to Patton. No one as much as glanced at him.
Overwhelming anger welled up inside of him, could they not at least acknowledge his existence? They were not deaf, and he knew for sure they heard him when they wanted to, so they must just really not care about anything he had to say. They must have just all agreed that his opinion didn't matter in the least.
"For once, would you just LISTEN TO ME?" Logan screamed, the last words of the sentence being uttered loud enough to make every single one of the others fall completely silent. He himself was surprised over how loud he could be, but Logan really couldn't stop himself from snapping any longer. He didn't care about their shocked expressions and how surprised they were at his outburst. He'd had enough. He'd tried to keep his anger and frustration down for months now, and he'd had enough.
"How hard can it be to just show at least a little bit of respect and even pretend like you care about what I have to say!" He continued, voice still raised as loud as he could, slightly surprised that he could be this loud and sound so threatening. He was sick and tired of not being listened to, they were going to have to listen now, and either of the others tried to say anything. Roman and Thomas were wide eyed and staring at him. Virgil looked upset and Patton looked near tears. It didn't phase him.
"I'm trying to help, but there is no point in it, because you never listen to me no matter what I say, or what I do! I am logic, I am here to help, and if I am unable to do so, because of the fact that no one cares about the logical response, then what is even the point of being here? I'm completely useless!" He yelled, throat hurting and his voice cracked on the last word, the sentence that he hadn't even meant to say out loud. He could feel the others eyes on him, saw Patton open his mouth to say something, and whatever it was that Patton wanted to say, Logan didn't think he could stand hearing it.
"SHUT IT!" He pressed the flats of his hands to his face, taking a breath, focusing on taking another one after that. Then he let his hands fall to his sides, balling them into fists, his nails digging into his skin. He did the mistake of looking up, meeting the others eyes and seeing the mixed emotions showing on their faces. His eyes were stinging and he almost couldn't swallow, and his voice was low and hoarse when he spoke again.
"I-" He began, only getting that far before realizing that he wouldn't make it half a sentence without breaking down completely in front of them, so instead he just shook his head and sunk out of the room. Back in his own room he just stood and stared at nothing for five seconds or so before simply letting himself collapse to his knees. He didn't want anyone to see him like this, and he concentrated all the energy he had on locking his room until he was sure it was closed for all possible ways of entering it.
The usual logical aura of his room wasn't helping at all, his thoughts were in turmoil, even more so than when he'd first snapped at them. Logan already regretted it, knowing that the others would soon come to his room to try and talk to him, to solve the problem. Logan wasn't ready for that, he needed to collect himself, to rearrange his thoughts and understand what he was feeling, before anyone tired to as much as speak to him.
He sat almost frozen, arms holding himself tightly, his knees hurting against the hard floor, and he tried to fathom what had just happened, tried to remember what he'd actually said in the midst of his anger. He remembered their expressions, the way they'd looked at him, and he felt as if an impossible weight were trying to crush him.
"Idiot." He mumbled. A muffled sound escaped him, and his vision blurred. Logan didn't even realize what had happened until he felt the hot tears roll down his cheeks, and he touched the wet on his face, letting out something in the middle of a laugh and a sob. He didn't know what was wrong with him, why this was all affecting him enough to break him down. Lately he had been too emotional, he was not used to feeling so much and so strongly.
One possible reason was that he'd been pushing his feelings down for so long that everything he'd felt during the last 6 months had piled up until it was unbearable. At least that was what it felt like, unbearable. Logan could at least conclude that that was what he was feeling at the moment, as he sobbing into his hands so hard that he could barely breathe.
It wasn't helping that he had to constantly hide his feelings too, because as the embodiment of logic he should not allow emotion to cloud his judgement, he needed to be thinking in the most logical mind. They had Patton for the emotional dilemmas, no one needed him to be a mess (even though at the moment he really could not deny that he was, in fact, a mess).
His whole body shook with every sob, and the only relief he felt at the moment was from knowing how soundproof his room was, and there weren't a possibility that anyone would hear him even if he let himself show of every unsettling emotion he felt. Some feelings were worse than others, but he couldn't decide which one made him feel the worst. On one hand he felt useless and it was apparent that he was not needed at all, but on the other hand his strange feelings towards Virgil were also causing him to feel worse than normally (but he disregarded that because he didn't like thinking about it).
He grasped his glasses, placing them on the floor next to himself, sniffled and pulled his shirt up to wipe his face, not that there was any use in it since new tears kept escaping, no matter how much he internally cursed them.
He shouldn't have yelled at them, he shouldn't have snapped. He could have just left, Logan doubted that anyone would have noticed if he'd just left. It'd have been a better way to handle things, to just leave, let them deal with the dilemma themselves, and he could have brought up his problems with not being listened to at a time when he was calmer.
The tears wouldn't stop falling from Logan's eyes, for a multitude of reasons that he didn't really want to focus on, it'd be more beneficial to not. Not that it stopped his mind from being unable to think about anything else than everything that was bothering him.
This was the main reason why feelings made him so uneasy. His purpose would be immensely more easy to fulfill if he was not overrun by feelings that tried to compromise his thoughts. His job was to provide Thomas' with the logical solution to everything. He feared that he would not be able to remain doing so if he let himself admit to feeling, but no matter how many times he told himself he didn't have feelings it remained true that he did in fact feel a lot more than he'd ever tell anyone.
The tears had stopped, finally, and he was just lying on the floor of his room, staring at a pen that he'd spotted lying under his bed. He'd been looking for that pen, and he wondered how it had ended up there. Logan disregarded that thought and sighed, knowing that his position on the floor would soon become uncomfortable, but he didn't seem to have the energy to get up. Crying seemed to have stolen all the energy he had had. It was as if crying had taken even the energy to feel, because he felt strangely numb and didn't think he'd care if anything happened at the moment.
After a few minutes of just lying there and feeling sorry for himself he eventually, a few minutes after he started to get too uncomfortable, mustered the energy to actually stand up and tiredly loosen his tie. It dropped to the floor and he sat down on the edge of his bed. Crying was tedious, his cheeks itched from the salt of the dried tears, and while crying he could barely breathe. But at the very least it somehow made the feelings easier to bare with sometimes.
Logan could feel a headache creeping up on him, and he reached for the glass of water that had been stood on his bedside table for the past few days. It was better than nothing, and he certainly didn't feel like leaving his room to get a new glass of water. He put the, now empty, glass back down and closed his heavy eyes with a sigh.
He wanted to go back in time, make himself shut up and handle the situation in another way. Not because he felt that bad about yelling at them, but because he felt embarrassed. They'd all seen him snapping, had all heard every word he'd yelled. Logan didn't want to have to face them, he didn't want to look into their eyes and see the way they looked at him or hear them try to apologize.
Logan wanted this to all be forgotten. He wanted to be able to leave his room without knowing that the other sides would be staring at him, walk on eggshells around him. Just thinking of having to face them and talk to then made him want to throw something. Okay ...there was nothing in his possessions that he wanted to have ruined, and neither did he want to have to clean up a mess. He supposed a more accurate way to put it was that he wanted some way to let out his frustration. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of his thoughts, and bent down to pick his glasses up from the floor, he wouldn't like to get a headache from straining his eyes.
He decided on just staying in his room, it was easier that way. Logan put on some mindless tv show on the tv and propped himself up against the headboard on his bed, not really paying much attention to what happened, but he liked having background noise of happy voices and laugh tracks. Instead Logan solved some sudokus on an app on his phone, something that distracted him and at least kept his mind from thinking of everything that he'd rather be ignoring.
The only time he was interrupted was the few times that Netflix asked if he was still there, and the one time there was a hesitant knock on his door and Patton's voice told him dinner was ready. Needless to say Logan ignored that and did not leave his room, not even when he found himself awfully hungry.
He did eat a few spoonfuls of Crofters to sustain himself until he was certain that the other sides had all gone to their rooms. Logan was glad he had left (ahem, forgotten) a jar of Crofters on his desk yesterday. At 11 pm, when he was certain that the others weren't up anymore, he unlocked at least the door to his room and then quietly made his way to the kitchen, ready to sink out and back into his own room at any sign of the others.
He might be behaving irrationally, but quite frankly he did not have the energy to talk to anyone at the moment. He just wanted something to eat. In the kitchen he found some leftover pizza in the fridge, he ended up eating it cold since he didn't want to risk alerting anyone with the ding of the microwave, and he didn't have the patience for the oven. It tasted surprisingly good, or maybe he was just near starving. He also drank a big glass of cold water, which was refreshing.
Then Logan cleaned up after himself, putting the dirty plate in the dishwasher and washing his hands before leaving the kitchen. He quickly brushed his teeth, not wanting to go to bed without having done that, and then he went back to his room, sincerely hoping that he wouldn't meet anyone on his way there. Luckily Logan didn't, they others all seemed to be asleep.
He closed the door behind himself, the sitting down on his bed again, admittedly feeling very tired after everything that had happened. Logan sighed tiredly and relaxed down against the mattress, snapping his fingers to turn the tv on again. He curled up in a ball, pulling a blanket over himself and fell asleep in mere seconds to the noise in the background.
--
Logan woke up late (10 am), but at least feeling rested. No one seemed to have tried to enter his room or talk to him, he supposed he'd have woken up if that had happened. He sleepily sat up and looked out over his room, spotting what he thought was his tie that was still left on the floor since the previous night. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and fumbled for his glasses which was thankfully lying on his nightstand. The few times when he left his glasses somewhere else always left for a morning of looking for them, which was tedious.
Logan put them on and looked around again, now being able to actually see properly. He stepped onto the floor, not caring to pick his tie up, he wasn't planning on letting anyone see him today anyway, so he had no reason to look presentable, and, it wasn't like the others would take him seriously or see him as professional after yesterday, so what was the point?
Though after a small while Logan realized that he could actually use this time to be productive, after all he had a lot of work to finish, and if he was going to be stuck in his room all day he now had the perfect opportunity to get ahead on his paperwork.
--
The only good thing about this whole ordeal was that Logan was actually left alone. It was now 4pm and there hadn't been as much as a knock on his door since yesterday. Logan had already been able to do two days worth of work done since there had been no distractions. He wished he could be this productive every day, but sadly that was a reality he rarely lived in.
He shook his head, disregarding his thoughts and looking over the paper that was lying on his desk before him. The schedule for the next week was already done. He had planned Thomas to be filming two days that week, meet Joan and Talyn to work on the script for the next Sanders Sides video on Wednesday, Thomas were having a movie night with some of his friends on Saturday (if his friends were available, that is. Otherwise Thomas would have an evening to do something else).
The others had earlier requested that Thomas would have at least one day of doing nothing, so that they could all take some time to relax and do something fun. After some consideration Logan had agreed that some free time would do them all good, even if they all usually ended up with a lot more free time than planned anyway.
Now, if he was lucky then there would be an attempt at following this schedule. He heard a door open and close, a little too late realizing how close the sound was and that it was not at all from somewhere else in the mindscape.
"Logan." Virgil's sudden voice made him flinch, and he accidentally left a long line of ink on the paper he was scribbling on. Fuck. He stared down at the line, internally groaning but externally he just pushed the paper to the side and stood up, stiffly turning to face Virgil and to take a few steps closer to him. He hadn't at all heard him enter his room, and wondered for a moment how, but then he disregarded the thought, because it was not important at the moment.
"What are you doing here?" Logan stood still, staring at Virgil and making sure that he did not let a single emotion show on his features. The look Virgil was giving him did tell him that it was still quite visible that he was a mess. Logan hoped that Virgil at least couldn't tell he'd been crying.
"I'm here to apologise. For all of our behaviours lately. The others wanted to come too, but I pointed out that you most likely wouldn't appreciate having to face all of us." Virgil said, and Logan despised the twinge in his chest that he felt when thinking of the fact that Virgil was indeed the one that knew him the best. He'd have hated to have to talk to all of them, having to listen to all of them trying to apologize as Logan most of all wanted everyone to forget completely about his breakdown.
"Save it."
"Logan, we're so sorry. We never meant to make you feel like this, we got caught up in our discussion. But that's no excuse, we acted horrible. We should have listened to you, we should always listen to you, you have important input for Thomas' decision, and we know that. It was dumb of us to assume that we didn't need to listen to you just because we were busy joking around." Virgil continued, clearly not even for a second considering leaving Logan alone.
"I don't feel." He said, voice monotone and face still blank, not bothering to answer the rest of what Virgil had said, not wanting to acknowledge the apology, because thinking of the words made it hard to swallow.
"That's not true, and we all know it. Anger is a feeling. So is annoyance, and sadness, excitement. Etcetera. You feel disappointment, don't you? You can't keep telling us you have no feelings, you can't keep telling yourself you have no feelings." Virgil said, the tone in his voice displaying emotions that Logan could not pinpoint. He just scoffed as a response to what Virgil had said, he did not want to admit how true what Virgil had said were.
This conversation was nothing that Logan was particularly interested in talking of. In fact, he'd rather be talking about anything else, as long as it was not related to his outburst or his feelings. So he gave Virgil a last glance and then turned around, thinking that he could just as well sit down by his desk and keep working until Virgil eventually gave up and left him alone again.
But that was not what happened, he'd only taken a step away from Virgil when he heard silent shuffling behind him and then he felt Virgil's arms around his stomach, Virgil's chest pressed against his back, and Logan's breath hitched.
He wasn't sure how to react to having Virgil hugging him, so he just stood frozen not knowing if he should say anything or try to get out of the embrace. Though to be completely honest with himself, for once, he had to admit that even if he wanted to be alone he did not want Virgil to let go of him. This was the first kind of affection that he'd gotten in months, and he couldn't bring himself to step away. The hug was not tight, Logan could pull himself away easily, if he'd had the willpower to do so.
"Please don't punish yourself because of your feelings, and don't punish yourself for how we treated you, blame us." Virgil mumbled quietly, but loudly enough for Logan to hear every word. Logan blinked, trying to get the water that had gathered in his eyes to disappear. It didn't work, only caused the tears to slide down his cheeks and Logan clenched his teeth, adamant of not making a sound that could as much as alert Virgil of the fact that he'd broken down yet again.
He swallowed, trying not to let his body tremble and hoping that Virgil wouldn't see how his hands were shaking. Logan opened his mouth, attempting to breathe without having to sniffle. That worked for a moment, until he was about to choke, and he had to to be able to continue breathing. He sniffled, trying to will his tears to stop falling which did not work at all, and he couldn't stop a shudder from running through his body.
"Logan?" Virgil's arms around him loosened, and Logan internally cursed as he could feel Virgil shifting and soon he'd been turned around and was looking right into Virgil's dark brown eyes. His brows were knitted and he was frowning at him, gaze following the tears.
"You're crying." Virgil states, as if that was not already obvious to both of them.
"I don't know why." He mumbled as a response to the question that hadn't been asked out loud, voice barely audible but yet Virgil heard him. He tried to turn his head, to try and find a way to conceal his tears from Virgil, even if Virgil were already well aware of the fact that he was crying it still felt wrong to cry in front of him. But Virgil were having none of that and to stop him he softly cupped Logan's face in his hands, keeping them to say face to face.
Logan froze in place, yet again as a response to Virgil's touch, and he had not got a clue what to do and the confusing feelings he held for Virgil made themselves known more than they had before. He didn't know what to do with himself this time either, so he just stood there, feeling Virgil's thumb brush away the wet from his cheek. Virgil's eyes searched his, for something that Logan couldn't understand, and he couldn't help but to let his gaze lower, because for some reason it felt almost unbearable to look directly at Virgil.
He took a deep, trembling breath and collected himself, at least a little bit. Then he gently grabbed a hold of Virgil's wrists and lowered his hands. His face felt strangely cold without Virgil's hands holding it. He let go of Virgil's wrists but Virgil immediately grabbed Logan's hands in his, so Logan was still unable to turn away.
"Do you forgive us?" Virgil asked quietly, and Logan had to accept the fact that Virgil would not allow him to go back to working, or anything else for that matter, until he knew that he was okay. Logan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and realized that, yes, he was okay, and yes, he did forgive them. Logan was sure that they would be more mindful of him after this. After all he'd seen how distraught they had looked when he had started yelling.
"Yes, and- and I shouldn't have yelled like I did. I apologize for that." Logan said sheepishly, ashamed of his actions and feelings. But Virgil shook his head.
"I think you had the right to yell. We were very disrespectful, and it was only fair that you made that clear." Virgil said, and Logan only shrugged.
"You were, but... I still shouldn't have. Stupidly enough I decided to join you all to make the video despite having felt close to snapping for the whole week. I should've taken the necessary precautions and this would never have happened." He admitted, still wishing yesterday hadn't even happened, because wouldn't things be so much easier then?
"Hey, Logan, if you need to speak about your feelings, I'm here for you. At any time, seriously." Virgil said, and as Logan observed Virgil he could not see a single sign that Virgil hadn't spoken the truth.
"Thank you, I... I appreciate it, Virgil." Logan said, letting the tiniest of smiles show. Then it was replaced with a frown, and Logan stared down at his hands that were still grasped by Virgil's. He continued speaking, still not meeting Virgil's eyes.
"I have been feeling quite distressed. I have been confused about my feelings lately. It is... concerning because I do not fully understand what I'm feeling. I have a general idea, but my understanding of the emotion is still, ah, vague." Logan sighed and took a step backwards, away from Virgil, and Virgil let go of him. Logan took two more steps backwards, watching Virgil's hands return to his hoodie pockets, and sat down on the edge of his bed.
"Are you feeling it right now?" Virgil asked, and it was a simple question, with an almost as simple answer.
"Yes, quite strongly, as always when I am around you." Logan said, his eyes lingering on Virgil for a second too long before he averted his gaze and instead let his eyes focus on the wall behind Virgil. He had a large poster of star signs on his wall, which he had pinned up when he first started to learn the position of the stars. Now it was something he was used to hanging there and he never really noticed it anymore. At the moment he let himself name as many as he could.
"A- alright..." Virgil began, trailing off as he tried to figure out what to say after that. Clearly he didn't really know what to say either.
"Positive or negative feeling?" He said, seemingly doubtful, and Logan wasn't sure which one of the answers it was that Virgil didn't want to hear. Logan just looked at him for a moment, and then decided to just outright say all that he was thinking.
"It is definitely a positive feeling. I like you, Virgil, but I am not sure to what extent. I cannot make out where I draw the line between platonic and romantic attachment towards someone. It causes me a great deal of confusion, and no matter how much I think about it I do not find a clear answer." Logan said, and just saying this out loud, letting someone else hear of the problem, somehow made it so much easier to bare.
"Of course this isn't the only thing occupying my mind, but it is the one relevant to you, so I thought it was only fair that this was what I discussed with you." Logan finally looked up at Virgil, who was still stood in the exact same place. This caused the both of then to just stare at one another for maybe half a minute, because Logan didn't have anything more to say, and Virgil didn't seem to be able to articulate his thoughts. At least Logan assumed so based of how Virgil opened his mouth to speak a few times and yet said nothing.
"Take your time," Logan said with an amused twitch at his lips as he watched Virgil take a deep breath, open his mouth and say nothing. "After all I've had a long time to figure out how to articulate what I don't understand."
"Yeah, um, it's just... I didn't expect you to say that. And I don't really know what to say because... I'd really like it if you do like me romantically, but also I don't want to get my hopes up, in case you don't. So, uh, yeah." Virgil spoke silently and quickly, keeping his eyes on Logan the whole time he was speaking. Logan hoped that what he had told Virgil wasn't going to trouble him.
"I am sorry, perhaps it'd been better if I'd kept these feelings to myself, I do not want to cause you any additional worry." Logan stated, and Virgil shook his head, a small sigh escaping him.
"No, as I said, you can talk to me about anything. I might not be the best one to respond or give advice, but I can always listen." Virgil assured, and Logan felt a sort of warm feeling in his chest at that.
"Thank you." He mumbled, really appreciating what Virgil was telling him, but also not fully knowing how to express that gratitude. He felt ...better knowing that when he had a lot of things on his mind Virgil was there for him.
"Also, you did mention that you would like it if my feelings for you were of the romantic kind, because you feel such feelings towards me?" Logan said, slightly hesitantly in case he had somehow heard him wrong. Virgil nodded, smiling shyly at him, a smile that could have easily been mistaken for sad, and for a moment Logan couldn't tell which it was.
"The fact that you feel that way about me makes me feel happy, which I will take as yet another sign that my feelings might be closer to romantic than platonic." Logan said and Virgil exhaled, shaking his head fondly.
"How do you not know what you feel? I mean, to me it is quite clear what I feel for you." Virgil's voice was soft, not in any way degrading, just honest wonder. Logan let out a sigh, slightly tilting his head as he tried to come up with a way to explain it.
"I am not sure why this is hard for me to understand. I feel as if my feelings are somewhere in the middle of the two, and sometimes they grow stronger, other times they falter slightly, but they always remain on that stage of 'in between'." Logan said, his tone of voice showing how uncertain he was of having explained his feelings in a way that was understandable. After all it was quite hard explaining something that you did not understand yourself.
"They are, excuse my wording, 'beyond platonic', but I am not certain I understand more of them than that." Logan said, feeling as if he wasn't doing a good job making Virgil understand what he felt. At the very least he was trying, which was beyond his own expectations.
"Well, that's fine. I mean, I guess that's what dating is for, to figure out if you actually want a relationship. Do you want me to ...help you figure out what you're feeling? I have an idea how to." Virgil said, the shadow of a smirk on his lips (which Logan pretended not to notice, because he shouldn't be paying such close attention to Virgil's lips in the first place).
"Yes, I would enjoy it if I could clarify what I am feeling, I am always open to learn. What did you have in mi-" Logan started, wondering how Virgil could help him with this, and he was cut off when Virgil, placing a hand on his jaw, turned Logan's head and pressed a soft kiss to Logan's lips. His eyes widened, and a second later when he had fathomed what had happened he let his eyes slid close and he found himself leaning into it, letting his hand loosely grasp at Virgil's shoulder to support himself. Virgil's lips against his created an entirely new feeling, that he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy. Then, as quick as it had happened it was over, Virgil had pulled back and Logan forced himself to open his eyes.
"How was that?" Virgil asked with a head tilt and half of a smile, and Logan did his best to quickly pull himself together so that he could answer him.
"W- well, I certainly did not mind that." Logan said, hand still on Virgil's shoulder, and he wondered if he should remove it from there.
"You have very soft lips." He then added, and saw how Virgil laughed a little.
"Yeah, but I meant, like, did it make you feel anything?"
"I know what you meant, and yes, it made me feel ...a bit giddy." Logan said, feeling as if he was flustered and desperately hoping that it wasn't visible. "In a good way. I definitely want to experience this frequently."
Logan's eyes wandered down to Virgil's lips, not intentionally doing so, but his gaze fixed there anyway and he forgot what he was saying. Virgil smirked when he noticed, and then leaned in to capture Logan's lips with his again. Virgil slowly ran his fingers through Logan's hair, cradling the back of his head in his hand, and Logan found the feeling of Virgil's lips against his to be most wondrous. Virgil pulled back reluctantly, and Logan kept his eyes closed as he tried to recall what he had been saying before he'd been distracted by Virgil's lips.
"I- I also have to admit that I am liking the thought of attempting a romantic relationship with you, and that I find the idea of you falling for someone else quite unsettling." He continued when he managed to find where his voice had disappeared to. Yeah, he was definitely blushing by now, and he wondered what it would be like to function properly, he missed that.
"Does that mean you want to be my boyfriend?" Virgil asked, uncertainty clear in his voice, but also an underlying hopeful tone. Logan gave him a small nod.
"Talking of these feelings has made me fear them less, and I do think I would like to be your boyfriend. It would be quite a wasted opportunity if we did not at east try, correct?" Logan stated, because what was the point of kissing and talking about what they felt for each other if it wasn't leading anywhere?
"I think so, yeah." Virgil said, unable to hide a wide grin, which made it awfully hard for Logan to look away and to not smile too widely himself, but after a moment or so he forced his gaze away and lured his thoughts to think of something else than how wonderful it was to see Virgil smile so much, and Virgil's smile kept making Logan smile too, which was slightly embarrassing.
"Additionally, I'd like to find out how you entered my room?" Logan questioned, changing the subject, but also eager to know the answer to that question, both to know how to remain alone the next time he needed to be left alone, and because he hadn't had a clue Virgil could enter a room that had, as far as he knew, been locked to everyone.
"I'm anxiety, nothing can stop me." Virgil said smugly.
"Yes, but how-" Logan continued, because he knew there was an answer to his question, Virgil just didn't want to tell him.
"You don't need to know." Virgil said, grinning when Logan huffed at him. Not knowing bothered Logan, when something interested him he wanted to learn about it, not just accept that something worked that way. He wanted to understand how it worked, but clearly Virgil wasn't going to reveal his secret, so he might as well not waste his energy on attempting to get him to speak of it. Though then a realization hit him, and he sighed.
"I forgot to lock my door yesterday night, didn't I?" Logan said, thinking back to when he'd come back to his room and tried to remember if he'd actually locked the door again, and Virgil grinned at him, which was answer enough. He rolled his eyes, but as he felt Virgil's fingers softly grasp his wrist he had to admit that he was unable to feel even a little bothered by Virgil's teasing, and Logan found himself having a hard time focusing on anything else than the fact that Virgil's touch seemed to send tingles through his arm. He rubbed his cheeks, as if hoping that that'd remove the blush coating his cheeks, and Virgil pulled has hand back.
"Do you want to go out to the others? They are worried for you." Virgil said, and Logan let a small groan slip between his lips as he remembered how complicated he'd made things.
"I suppose I have to face them too." Logan ran his hand through his hair, trying to smooth it down. He had not looked over his appearance at all today, and it suddenly hit him that his hair was probably messy, and he probably looked awful from all the crying he'd been up to both yesterday and just a while ago.
Virgil stood up, holding his hand out for Logan to take, and after a second of hesitation Logan grasped it, allowing Virgil to pull him up from his sitting position. They ended up standing really close together, and virgil took the opportunity to kiss Logan again, a soft pair of lips against his. Logan's eyes slid close and his other arm hugged around Virgil's waist. This kiss lasted much longer than the others had, just because neither of them wanted it to end, and when it did Logan found himself slightly breathless.
"Right." Logan murmured, attempting to think, which proved to be difficult. He took a step back from Virgil. "The others."
Logan gave himself a moment to look in the mirror, smoothing down his hair and buttoning the top button of his shirt. He examined his face, making sure that it wasn't visible that he'd cried, and also assuring himself that he was no longer blushing. Then he allowed Virgil to lead him from his room and to the living room, where they found both Roman and Patton playing Mario Kart.
The moment they realized Logan was standing in the doorway the both of them dropped their controllers, jumped up from the couch and rushed up to him, and Logan braced himself for impact and closed his eyes as both Patton and Roman hugged him, much to his surprise. He's not sure what he had expected, but it wasn't to be hugged yet again today.
"I'm sorry specs, we didn't mean to leave you out like that." Roman said, and Logan was surprised by the sincerity in his voice. It was rare that Roman apologized to him, even rarer that it was a sincere apology. Logan patted his shoulder, slightly awkwardly.
"Yeah, I really hope you'll forgive us. We do really value your input even if we're bad at showing it, and we never intended on making you feel like we don't." Patton rambled, tightly hugging onto Logan who was wondering if he'd ever get out of this situation. For some reason he found it slightly awkward to have the both of them so close and so emotional.
"It is fine. And I will make sure to make myself heard in another way if this problem ever repeats itself." Logan mumbled, glancing over at Virgil who was sat on the couch now and not showing in any way that he was going to help Logan get out of this situation. He couldn't bring himself to mind though, and he relaxed, not standing completely rigid in their arms, instead letting himself loop his arms around them, hugging them back. Logan only felt slightly awkward doing so.
He stood there for maybe a whole minute before the others finally let go of him, and he could straighten himself out and fix his tie, trying to look slightly dignified. Patton squeezed his hand before taking a step back. Then he lit up and rushed off to the kitchen without really specifying why. Roman just patted his shoulder and then went back to the couch, most likely not wanting to partake in the slightly awkward silence that had formed.
Logan did the same, sitting down next to Virgil, trying to sit non suspiciously close to him. Virgil smiled a barely visible smile, glancing at him. Then Patton came bounding back into the living room, holding a jar in both his hands. A jar that was known for being the cookie jar.
"I made some cookies yesterday." Patton said, opening the jar and holding it out to them, urging them all to take a few each before he too sat down. Logan took a bite of a cookie, it was his favorites, and he was sure that that was intentional as Patton was well aware of the fact.
"I want to apologize for how I acted too." Logan began sheepishly, holding a hand up in a silencing gesture when the others immediately looked like they were going to come with objections. "An apology, and a bit of an explanation. I should not have yelled, a better solution would have been to take it up during another time when I already had your focus. I apologize for the worry I might have caused."
"And I want to bring to light that when I am not being listened to I... feel quite useless. After all what is logic if no one spares it a thought? If I am not listened to then I do not serve my purpose." Logan rambled, once again feeling awkward and flustered. He really was not used to speaking of how he felt, even less actually using the word 'feel' as he spoke of himself.
Immediately he was assaulted by Patton throwing himself at him and hugging him, again. Both Roman and Virgil kept their distance, which was appreciated as one person hugging him was enough, at least as he wasn't used to the attention from all three of them.
"Let's not dwell too much on this, I would like to put this in the past." He mumbled, not sure that he would be comfortable speaking of this for much longer. He had limits, and it was about to be reached.
"Alright, for now." Patton said, letting Logan go and sitting back down on the couch, picking his controller back up. He decided to not worry about this conversation being picked up again just yet.
"You two wanna join in on some Mario Kart?" Roman asked, holding two controllers out towards Virgil and Logan. Logan only hesitated for a moment.
"I suppose there is no reason to decline." Logan said, deciding that mindlessly playing a game seemed like a fitting activity. Logan also knew he was quite good at the game, and it was always fun seeing Roman distraught over losing a match against Logan.
"You're going down, Princey." Virgil said with a playful smirk, grabbing a controller. He inched slightly closer to Logan, leaning towards him in a way that made their shoulders brush. Virgil focused on the screen the entire time, and no one seemed to notice anything strange about their closeness. Logan turned his controller on, fighting a soft smile that would've most likely given him away if anyone would have seen that it was directed at Virgil.
Logan knew the four of them would talk more about all this, it was inevitable that they'd all sort out their feelings and solve their problems, and Logan also knew that this was the end of him pretending not to feel anything, as they would surely call out his falsehoods if he ever claimed to not feel again, but for now he was content just playing Mario Kart with them.
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Written: 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 17th, 18th November 2018
Published: 7th December 2018
Words: 7747
welp this turned out long
Anyway just kinda wanna say that it's okay if you're not sure what you're feeling, because you'll figure it out eventually, might take really long, but that's alright too. Give yourself time to figure out what you're feeling, feelings are complicated, don't rush them
(tho if a girl is calling you wifey and that makes you feel the butterfly thingy then, just saying, most likely gay) (@ myself a few months ago lmao)
Mario Kart is fun
Pizza is one of the few things I can eat cold, otherwise I have a hard time eating food that's supposed to be warm cold