Before you can get into this week's chapter, allow me to express my gratitude for having reached more than 100k reads on this book. You're the best readers a girl could ask for. I'm looking forward to reading your comments.
Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real."
~Cormac McCarthy~
Sophie
Raphael stood between my legs, his chin resting on my knees and his eyes on me, my cooking forgotten. He had told of his childhood, so much more than I expected from him and now it was my turn to do the same, except I would be saying more than he did because he would never accept anything less.
"There is nothing much to say really," I said again and he frowned, his mouth tightening at the corners, eyes shooting daggers at me. "Cara" He warned and I signed loudly, shifting a little as I tested the best position to sit on the kitchen island and making sure Raphael remained where he was because I loved feeling his arms on me.
"Where do I start?" I asked rhetorically and he brimmed with frustration.
"From the beginning is a good place to start" he drawled lazily skimming across my thighs with the palm of his hand. Funny, I had thought that escaping my father's guardianship was the end of my relationship or interaction with him, that I would never waste a single thought on him, but for the last couple of days he and my mother, whom I could barely remember filled my mind.
Raphael mumbled something I did not hear, not that I needed to hear it to understand that he was prompting me to start talking.
"Do you remember telling me you never needed your father?" I asked softly, my right hand combing through his hair as I exhaled sharply readying myself to tell him all I was feeling.
He nodded, staring intently as he waited for me to go on. I felt like a caged animal unable to flee, yet I wanted, needed to tell Raphael what I felt. I knew he would understand and not think I was daft for having craved my father's love. Though I somewhat felt ashamed of it.
"I wasn't like that. I wanted my father to love me even when he was stepping on my stomach while he beat the crap out of me. My voice squeaked, fighting tears, my throat felt full I couldn't swallow a damn even my saliva. I felt him go stiff immediately, his hands fisting against my lap, a furious gritter on his eyes. I wasn't sure whether he was angry at my father or my need for fatherly love. "Please don't be mad at me" I pleaded, my fingers trembling on his hair, losing the battle to hold the tears.
"No, no. I'm not mad at you. Why in god's name should I?" his anger boomed, I felt it as he scooped me up going round to sit on one of the dining chairs and sitting me on his lap. I shouldn't have been comfortable but I was, resting my head on his shoulder, breathing his cologne, his scent and essence.
This was my home. His arms, his house, wherever he was.
"I never understood his hatred for me, his viciousness towards me had no bounds. There was a time I thought he wasn't really my father, those nights before I met my grandmother when I contemplated running away. I never did, maybe I was a coward, but where would I have gone, Raphael? I trusted no one, I liked no one, most of my school mates hated me because our house was small and shabby and located at the end of nowhere or for my witchy hair or so they said"
"Your hair is luxuriously beautiful" He whispered, kissing my temple.
"They didn't think so"
"The hell with them, I love it"
"Thank you" it felt good to hear it and to know there was at least another person in the world who would protect me with everything he had or die trying.
"He kept the nail on his pinkie long so every time he slapped me I would get not only a print of his hand on my face but also a deep ugly scratch that run through half of my face." I let out a humourless laugh, trying hard not to cry. I felt like I had cried enough over my father to last me a lifetime.
Why should I keep doing it even after all these years?
"The few times he did not beat me was when he came home so drunk he couldn't stand straight"
The palms of my hands felt clammy and my stomach was in knots hearing Raphael cursing both in English and Italian. I got the sense that my father was lucky he was far enough from Raphael to get is hands around his weak ass neck.
"I would dream of my mother coming for me even though he kept throwing the fact that she never wanted me to my face. I really thought he was lying, and I would dream day after day, imagine her coming for me like an avenging angel because that is what mothers do, protect their children. But she never did and in time I stopped dreaming."
"I'm sorry" his voice felt muffled in my hair, arms tightly around me. He sounded like it was his fault and he probably thought so. surprisingly, when I was trying to survive, dreaming of a better life than didn't involve broken ribs all the time, Raphael was fighting his way through street ruffians and murderers to be declared the king of the underworld which was ironic to think of him fighting for me, but still feasible.
"I would have been there taking care of you"
"How could you, you were just a kid yourself fighting for your own life"
"I was never a kid cara" He said vehemently.
Somehow, I knew Raphael would have taken better care of me when he was sixteen than my father ever did on his best days which were rare. He would have made sure I was safe, secure and fed even though he had to steal which he obviously did at that age.
"You would probably think I was a nuisance and annoying at ten"
"I think you were adorable at any age"
I burst out laughing loudly, basking in this man's adoration.
He smiled. I felt it on my cheek, in the way his heart changed its rhythm or the way he palmed my bottom.
"What would you have done with a ten-year-old?"
"I would have thought of something, made sure you went to school and kept away from trouble"
"But from everything you've told me, you were the epitome of trouble and the company you kept wouldn't have been much of a recommendation either" I said catching a glint of amusement in his dark orbs. "What's so amusing about that?"
"I was just imagining you as a ten-year-old, cute and running around the house in your shorts, laughing and chasing fireflies."
"I don't remember laughing or chasing fireflies" I stated sadly.
"Well, if you were with me, you sure as hell would have had a better childhood than what you had. I would have made sure of it"
"Thank you. But I was raised by a sadistic man who derived pleasure from causing me pain instead"
Sitting on Raphael's lap in silence after a while was comforting and safe. Talking about my parents still felt like I had something bitter in my mouth but it was tolerable talking about it in the safety of the arms of the man I loved.
"I need to see my father, Raphael"
I said, breaking the silence. He did not say anything for a while, though I could feel the pace of his heart had increased.
"Please say you understand" I pleaded.
He signed, putting his hands on my waist and for a second I was filled with panic thinking he was disappointed in me and was about to move me from his lap.
"Is that what you want?"
I nodded "It's what I need." I added, not knowing what else to say.
"Okay" His consent sounded half-hearted but that did not deter me or change my mind. I needed to see him. Talk to him. Find out why he made me his punching bag before I could even turn five.
Though it was my idea to make this journey, the thought of facing my father both scared me and brought forth anticipation of finally understanding the reason why my he hated me so much.
Maybe there was no reason. Maybe he was just psychotic.
I sat beside Raphael as we drove to my father's place. I was looking forward to seeing the people he had chosen over me.
"You don't have to be nervous or afraid of him anymore, I'll be right there with you" Raphael prompted, putting the break as we stopped behind a double cabin in traffic.
"Thank you for coming with me"
I said dry-mouthed as we started moving again. My nervousness didn't stem from facing my father per se as much as it was to finally know why he couldn't love me.
"You're never quite" Raphael announced, nudging me with his elbow. I turned my eyes to his face and he had this knock out smile on his face that practically begged for a smile back.
"I will be fine when I get it out with him" I was certain of it and I was, though while I was sure that my father couldn't hurt me physically, I was worried that he might still have the power to emotionally wreck me.
"Just remember that I love you" Raphael whispered before stopping in front of a white painted house. The view from my vantage point revealed a flower garden on both sides of the path that lead to the door. On one side, a swing hang on a huge tree, looking lonely as it swayed slowly from the force of the wind.
I wanted to sit on it for a couple of minutes, or hours really. Anything to keep from ringing the bell.
Thank God Raphael stood beside me. I wouldn't have been able to do this without him.
"Are you ready?"
I shook my head, rubbing my face as I did and he nodded. He was not a patient man, he was all action but he was letting me walk into this in my own pace and I appreciated it.
"Can I go swing on that for a while?" I pointed at the swing emitting a small nervous laugh.
"Is that what you want?"
"No. What I want is to go back home but I can't. I have to do this." Breathing audibly from my anxiety, I turned my whole body to face Raphael. "Would you please take a few steps back? I need to do this alone"
Although he wasn't happy with that request he did it anyway. Not because he understood my need for it but because I had asked it of him.
I walked slowly towards the door, giving a final look at the man standing combatively behind me before ringing the bell.
I could hear someone shuffling their feet, I held my breath as I waited to face my father whom I hadn't seen in almost a decade. I prayed it wasn't him, maybe I wasn't ready to face him after all, but once again the universe got its way and I came face to face with him. It would seem I wasn't the only one surprised. He was as speechless and surprised as I was.
I waited to feel any love or liking for this man as we both stared at each other but I got nothing.
"What the hell are you doing here?" He whispered, turning to glance behind him shiftily like he didn't want anyone to see me "I will not allow you to come by and disrupt the little nest I've built for myself"
"You mean living off a woman with children?" I asked disgusted at the man who now stood in front of me.
"You've become corky. You think I can't swing my right hand at you now because you're grown" I closed my eyes as it was my default reaction every time I was confronted or threatened with a slap but I opened them immediately to his smug smile.
"Not so brave now are you?"
"Why do you hate me?" I asked, ignoring his taunt.
He shrugged and I was filled with a wave of immense anger I wanted to slap him. He must have seen the frustration on my face because he erupted in a burst of angry laughter that must have been similar to that of the devil.
"I never gave a fuck about you" He finally stated, "Not when you were conceived, not when you were born or any time after that"
"Then why did you keep me"
"Because I had this misconception that I would hurt your mother"
"Did it?"
"She didn't give a fuck about you either"
"So you beat me up, physically fractured more than my limps, emotionally scarred me because you wanted to hurt the woman who left me behind to be raised by a psychopath like you?" I yelled at him.
"You have the audacity to shout at me? Should I remind you of your place?"
"I wouldn't do that if I was you" I heard Raphael drawl. I hadn't heard him walk by but he was now standing beside me taking my father by surprise, stopping him from slapping me.
My father's face filled with agitation and anger at having someone stop him from hitting me. I remembered I always got twice the beating every single time someone intervened while he was beating me.
"Who the hell are you?"
"Doesn't matter who I am. But if you even touch a single hair on her head, I will kill you and believe me I've been looking for a reason to do just that"
My father laughed at that but something must have stopped his mirth because he backed up a little. "Don't let the suit fool you, I can have you on the ground within a minute" He seemed to have believed Raphael because he shifted uncomfortably wanting to get back to the house but afraid of what Raphael might do.
"You can't hurt me anymore." I whispered to him "You no longer have the power to. In fact, you're living on my mercy now" It was intoxicating to have power over him, to watch his eyes clouding with uncertainty and fear. "You see when he said he would kill you, it wasn't just idle chatter or an empty threat; he meant it. All I have to do is the words and you're no more. Remember that in all your waking moments"
I turned and left him standing there, speechless and stunned.
"Goodbye, father. I wish I could say it was a pleasure, but I would be lying" I walked away towards Raphael's Lamborghini which had already gathered onlookers and admirers. It was an intimidating car. I now understood why he had chosen it.
I didn't want to cry in front of these strangers, I wanted to dash in and cry with only the man I loved as the witness.
"I'm sorry cara" Raphael said after a while. "But you're better without him in your life"
"Oh, I'm not crying because of him, I'm crying because I acted like I held his life in my hands. What gives me the right to play God?"
"So you're okay never having a relationship with your father?"
"And my mother. I'm done with them. You know he omitted to tell his new family that he had a daughter. Apparently, I'm not worth mentioning. If I don't exist in his life, why should he exist in mine? "