"I see my father as a past I choose to forget yet my present keep reminding me of him"
~Sophie~
*Unedited*
Raphael
She stood beside the bedpost leaning slightly forward, her mouth curved into a knowing smile-a female smile that knew her man was wrapped around her little finger. She was right, I was. Walking to stand in front of her, my steps were purposeful as I rounded to her direction, mesmerized by her mere presence. I pulled her to me, bringing her face into my chest, breathing in her essence. I felt content and feeling like this still scared the shit out of me.
"You're mine" I whispered.
She kissed my chest in response putting her hands around my neck arching her body into mine, groaning as I felt her breast touch my chest "are you not hungry anymore?" I whispered into her ear, biting her earlobe and touching and rubbing it gently with the tip of my tongue. She sighed softly, her hands combing through my hair, her nails massaging my scalp, her lips on my chin while my hands held tightly to her waist, her body flattened into mine.
She was breathing into my neck making me want to throw her into the still unmade bed that seemed to call us back, almost tempting but I knew Sophie was hungry, she always was every time we made love.
"I think we need to find you something to eat" I whispered to her ear again, dropping my arms from her waist and drawing her out from the bedroom, my arm around her shoulders, breathing into her hair, while I listened to her chatter about everything and nothing.
I walked her through to the huge spotless kitchen that stood at the far corner, my hands feeling bereft as I left her standing beside the dining table at the middle. She watched me, her eyes softly running through my whole body, lips curved in a mischievous smile as if she knew something I didn't.
That look made me feel vulnerable, uncertain and exposed, a feeling that I found I did not feel comfortable in.
Everything I had told her came rushing through my mind, yet I didn't regret telling her as much as I wished I hadn't felt the need to confide myself in her. That was some screwed up logic that did not make sense at all but it's what I felt.
I wondered what she thought of what I had told her. Did she think I was a killer? Which to be fair I was, but did she think it? Was I regret in her life? Did she still love me as she did before she knew of how ruthless I could be? Of how jaded I was?
I turned my face towards where she was and our eyes met, hers with tears simmering. My heart thumped, my stomach tripped anxiously as I walked to her, my feet feeling weak and unsure and my hands trembling. My whole body felt like I was standing in the precipice, fighting an unknown enemy.
"Cara" I breathed and she run the rest a few step into my arms, standing in each other arms, clinging into each other as we breathed in the essence that was ours.
"I'm sorry for your childhood. I'm sorry that you did not have anyone to protect you" she murmured, kissing my throat, her hands around my waist-holding me like she was protecting me. It was ironic and I almost smile at the image we made. A small petite woman protecting a man who was over six feet, a Mafia don, a man who had taken care of himself since he was a young boy of ten years.
"I'm sorry for your childhood too," I told her.
"Mine wasn't that bad. It was not perfect but I never had to provide for myself, neither was I ever forced to live on the streets protecting myself from creeps, rapists and murderous" her palms touched my face in a caress and I closed my eyes, basking in her touch "Not to mention that I also had my grandmother" she whispered as I felt her lips brush into mine.
My arms touched the inside of her waist, stroking her up to the tips of her breast. "Oh god cara, you didn't wear a bra?" I said breathing deeply about to lose control. She moved closer though there was no space left, arching her body back, giving me more access to her body until we heard footsteps outside the kitchen and I knew it was Bruno because Romano walked like a thief; his feet noiseless. But Bruno just passed past the kitchen and we stood still as we listened to his footsteps disappear through the house.
I smiled at Sophie standing as far from me as possible. She looked rosy, her lips swollen from my kisses. Bruno would have known from just looking at her what we had been doing just seconds ago.
"You look loved. Physically, figuratively and emotionally" She blushed.
I hope she never stopped. She always turned red when she blushed, her innocence evident in the way her eyes tried to focus on anything other than me.
"There is something I haven't told you yet, something you may not like to hear" I kept my voice neutral knowing what I was about to tell her was crucial. I didn't want her to hate me or think of me as intrusive, I wanted her to forgive me in spite of it. She stood erect, nervously smoothing a few strands beneath her ears. Her eyes fixed in my face but managed to avoid looking into my eyes.
"I looked into your father a few months ago" I said. I knew my face held no expression, my eyes devoid of any emotion yet my heart screamed in anticipation; fear that she may be angry at me or worse, just walk out of my life again.
My heart begged her not to yet my eyes did not care either way and I wondered if she believed them. My eyes were the most convincing, the most deceiving feature I had.
She exhaled loudly, laughing nervously, her hand trembling on her throat.
"That was not what I expected. How is he?" She asked in a whisper, sounding forced like she didn't want to know yet feeling compelled to ask.
"He is an alcoholic. But I think you already know that" She nodded, waking to sit on the kitchen aisle, her legs falling limply over the tall stool in the middle of others, and I wondered why she didn't sit at the end.
"He also has a wife and 3 children though they're not biologically his" I felt uncomfortable, my heart sinking at the naked yearning and bitterness in her expression.
"Does he beat them?" She asked in a whisper I barely heard her. "I don't think he has the strength to. I have a few photos of him and a report if you want to see it" She shook her head.
She sighed loudly, rubbing her face in desperation that drew me to her. The way her fingers shook on her face or the way her lips trembled trying to fight tears broke my heart. I sat next to her, pulling her into my arms and she clung to me as her life depended on it as I moulded her against my body. For a moment she went stiff and I thought she might push me away. Then she relaxed, sinking against me and resting on me.
Her fingers trembled. She appeared small and fragile. Her shoulders drooped giving a sense of loss and loneliness. I felt anger at her father, the man who hurt her time and again yet he should have been the one protecting her and keeping her from harm.
"Cara," I said gently, waiting for her to respond, but she didn't. Instead, I heard her sniffle, her right hand wiping away tears that now dropped down her face.
"He is not worth it" I murmured, trying, in my own way to make her feel better. To realize, it wasn't her fault that her father was a son of bitch, stupid for not loving her as he should have.
Until Sophie, I had not dealt with tears. I couldn't remember the last time I cried or saw any person in my circle cry. Tears were as foreign as love or relationship yet here I was experiencing all at the same time.
"Why did you have him investigated?" She asked in a small voice, her fingers crunched together, tears still glistening her eyes.
It was heartbreaking to watch.
"I wanted to know everything about you" My voice sounded almost defensive. I knew it wasn't the right way to go about it, but I wanted to know who she was and having her investigated was the only way I could think of; it was my way of doing things.
She lifted her face slightly to his, biting her lip disapprovingly at me. She looked adorable as she tried and failed to stare me down.
"That is what I do, investigate people who enter into my life" I defended myself, smiling into her blue eyes. "In my defence, it was before I loved you" It was the right thing to say because she gave me a smile albeit sadly.
"What else do you know about me?"
"Other than what you feel or think, a lot," I whispered and she suddenly looked startled and afraid.
"My mother?" She whispered.
"I know about her as well but I will let your grandmother tell it to you, it's not in my place to tell you"
She nodded, crossing her arms across her chest defensively.
"What if I asked you to tell me, would you?"
"Yes I would but I hope you won't ask me"
"Why? Because you're afraid I will start bawling uncontrollably which will definitely make you feel lost and uncomfortable?"
"No. Not that" I smile slightly "I think hearing about your mother from your grandmother is fitting because I only know what my investigators could find, but your grandmother can answer some of your questions, most of them while I can't" I said, kissing her forehead and touching it with mine "And for the record, you can bawl all you want, but that would never make me feel lost or uncomfortable. I'm getting the hang of it" I whispered, our foreheads still touching.
She touched my biceps gently, moving her head so she could touch my throat with her lips.
"That feels really good" I whispered, slightly, bending my head down a little to display my full neck.
"What else do you know about me?"
I felt like she was seducing me for information even though I could have told her everything without her warm lips kissing their way down my throat.
"I knew everything about you down to the size of your shoes within the first week I met you" I groaned loudly but then she stopped kissing me and I felt disappointed running through me. I wanted her to continue.
"What?" it was the way she asked it, accusingly like I had done something akin to murder.
"Within the first week?" she shouted "The first week? " she shouted again. "Were you looking for something specific?" she asked, glaring at me fiercely. Her eyes filled with anger that I hadn't seen on her face since we met.
"No. I wanted to know everything about you. Your name, your hometown, your favourite food, your..
"Bra size?" she interrupted, looking at me like I was the creepiest person on earth.
"Look cara," I whispered "I did something untoward, I know that now, but I wanted you from the first time I saw you. I had to know about you. Everything I could find about you thrilled me"
"What didn't you like?" her voice trembled as she asked that.
"Nothing. I loved everything about you."
And it was true, I did.
"Even knowing who my parents are?"
I laughed then, a humourless sound that grated on my throat.
"Oh Cara, my father is worse than both your parents combined"
"Really?" she asked, a spark of interest flashing in her eyes.
"I'll tell you someday," I said scooping her up, heading to the front door.
"I thought we were getting something to eat? " she screeched happily
"We are. But in a hotel somewhere nearby.
"Is it bad if I hate my father Raphael? She sounded lost and fragile again.
"No it's not sweetheart" I whispered as I carried her to the car.
"I see my father as a past I choose to forget yet my present keep reminding me of him" she murmured more to herself than to me.
"Maybe your present is waiting for you to confront your past so it can allow you to forget him" I whispered back. "I will be here to help you through it"