There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.
*Unknown*
Sophie
*Unedited*
"I don't understand, why would he stop you?" I asked, sounding confused. I did not understand why Bruno would stop him from having sex, he was a grown man.
"Because of you"
I heard that. But I didn't understand it.
"Because of me?" I shook my head a little, my left hand clinging to my middle and the right placed on my chest where my heartbeat to the rhythm of my emotions.
"Yes. He was of the opinion that it would break your heart if you ever found out. He was right."
Still standing in the same position, my eyes on Raphael's, I felt my eyes sting. I was about to cry, not because I was sad but because I realised that the other two most important men in my life may have been on my side.
"I thought they would always take your side"
"Well, you thought wrong" his voice sounded clipped. He wasn't happy about it but he didn't mind much.
I smiled, then burst out laughing. Suddenly, I felt happy, content and accepted.
Raphael gave me a look that was unsure. It's very rare for him to look unsure like he didn't know what to say or how to act. I was happy but my eyes had tears in them.
"Please tell me he didn't shoot her" I finally said, reaching for a handkerchief to wipe the tears.
"No he didn't, but I think he wanted to"
"Why? It's not the girl's fault that you had her pinned on a wall"
"That's not it. And stop talking about it like that. It makes me feel like you're still mad at me"
"I am, but we are talking about it so we can both move on"
"That's fine. But don't say about me pinning her on a wall or grinding her again. Find some other different words or quit talking about it all together"
Okay. He was mad.
His hands were clasped together, the veins on his temple visible, his mouth tight and his eyes angrily fixed on me until I started fidgeting.
Raphael was scary when he was angry and I was glad he couldn't lash out at me for either insulting him, hitting him which I hadn't but who's to know of the future. All I knew was that no matter what, Raphael would never physically hurt me.
"Okay, fine, I'll find less coloured wordings to describe your little indiscretion." I drawled lazily like I was being put out and largely inconvenienced.
"Now tell me why Bruno pulled a gun on an innocent woman" I demanded more than asked or requested. Raphael threw me an amused before he could answer.
"I think what triggered him was the suggestion that she wouldn't mind if he joined us," Raphael said hesitantly. He had a strange look, almost uncomfortable which I did not understand.
"Join you in what?"
"Cara," he cleared his voice prolongingly, I don't want to destroy your illusion of what love is or your naivety towards sex by explaining that and if you cannot figure it out, you don't need to know"
"Fine, I'll just ask Bruno," I said, sitting up straight on the bed. I heard him groan in frustration and I turned to face him. He had his face on his hands, legs apart and the elbows on the thighs, cursing in Italian.
"There things you're not allowed to ask another man other than me"
I rolled my eyes dramatically.
"Stop rolling your eyes at me"
"Then tell me the whole story without stalling"
"Okay. But if you blush from today and for the rest of your life, remember it was your choice."
"Sex."
"What?"
"She wanted to have sex with both of us"
"No, no, you can't be..." I started, then stopped as I stared at Raphael's serious face.
I removed my shoes and climbed into the bed, resting my back on the headboard. My eyes fixed at my purple painted toes.
I could feel my hair brushing the sides of my neck, the breeze from the window bringing a rush of fresh air and the smell of dusk. It was refreshing as the silence in the room continued undisturbed except by our collective breathing.
I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and sorry that I had asked, but more so because I couldn't imagine the beautiful girl I saw on that devastating video welcoming two men to use her body.
I mean why would any woman make such a choice?
Was it about the money?
I felt sorry for her, sad even.
I turned my face to him, this man that my heart had chosen. He was wrong for me, wrong in every possible way, yet I couldn't walk away.
There had been times when I wished I never met him, few as they were they existed. Times that I had questioned my sanity, my morals and even a higher power yet I was still there, still fighting with him, for him.
Raphael was the kind of man mothers and grandmothers warned their girls against. He was the definition of a bad boy with few redeeming qualities—a man who was the determining factor of what he perceived to be right or wrong. Morality or lack thereof wasn't something that kept Raphael awake at night but lack of control did.
We did not speak for a while. A comfortable silence ensued, throwing me into different feelings of emotions that I understood but didn't want to.
"Can I ask you about being in the mafia?" It's not that I was ignoring our previous question, but I did not have a response or the ability to continue asking about it, I needed to think about it.
"How many people have you killed?" I whispered—like I was afraid someone else might eavesdrop and get Raphael in trouble. My head turned in his direction, bringing my feet comfortably beneath me. He bit his lip, swinging his leg up and crossing it on the kneel before leaning back on his chair.
He didn't resemble a mafia man at that time, he resembled a wealthy man having a chit-chat conversation, one he did not want to be part of. He almost looked bored.
"Do you really want to know?"I heard him ground his teeth together, annoyed or maybe he was just uncomfortable with the question.
Did I really want to know?
"No I do not," I said calmly. My heart settled down while he exhaled slowly almost like he had been held over a barrel before the gun was lowered.
"Cara, there are things about me that you shouldn't ask, things that I'm not proud of. I have led a life you couldn't even imagine, done things that are wrong, committed several crimes, but I would like to think I haven't killed anyone who didn't deserve it"
"But is that really your call? Why do you get to decide who lives and dies?"
"What is the alternative?" There was a curtness in his voice "Wait for them to pull the trigger first?"
"There has to be another alternative" I whispered, sounding like a woman who wanted to change her man and I knew that would be an exercise in futility but it was also far from the truth, I did not want to change him, I wanted him to be happy and I doubted very much heading mafia families could make anyone happy. "There laws," I said, pushing myself to the other side of the bed.
"When the law sets execution as a sentence to certain crimes, it's a demonstration that it has a right to take a life or not, the same thing you're throwing to my face."
"I'm not throwing anything to your face..." I stopped because I didn't know what to say next.
"Look, I'm not perfect and I've never claimed to be, neither am I a good person, but this is my life, I get to protect myself and those around me better this way. I will always protect you, that is a promise"
"Are you happy?"
"I don't know how happiness feels like, but if the feeling I have when you're with me is happy, then I guess I do know. Are you"
I barely heard him because my mind had gone overdrive. I was overjoyed to know that I made him happy.
"Yes, I am. You make me happy" I whispered because even though I've had my heart in pieces, he is getting the pieces back together.
"Then come back to me. Forgive me and let me continue making you happy" It almost sounded like a plea, something Raphael never did.
How could I not forgive him?
"In one condition," I said, looking at him. He had this intense look in his eyes, bracing himself to what I was about to say. He looked like he was waiting for me to ask for a blood sacrifice
"I need you to be faithful. You're mine as much as I'm yours until we break up or something"
"We are never going to break up," He said passionately, coming to where I was, his eyelashes lifted as he pulled me down beside him. We laid beside each other, our eyes fixed on each other, my feet tangled up in his, my heart in my eyes wishing and wanting him to tell me he loved me.
"Remember how we said no shoes on our bed?" He grinned then, a beautiful grin that was mine and mine alone.
"I like the sound of that," He said at the same time I heard a thud on the floor. He leaned over me, so close to me his beautiful features became slightly blurred. His gaze travelled slowly down my body, his arms on my waist,
"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." I smiled shyly, flickering my eyes a few times to avoid his sultry stare.
"I have missed you so much" His voice trembled, the hand on my waist tightened "It's been hell not being able to hold you" I felt his lips on my forehead and my heart broke into a song.
"I love your eyes, I adore you." He whispered, his eyes on mine "I lust after you every damn day, I love that you fight with me without fear of repercussion because you know there aren't any. I love the way you cuddle to me when you sleep and when you wake up beside me in the morning, you always let out a small yawn and then burrow into my chest. It makes me feel like a fucking king. You, Sophie, you are my saving grace. Don't ever forget that. And I am sorry I broke your heart. If it's any consolation, mine was in constant turmoil, afraid you might never forgive me."
I inhaled sharply, my palm resting on his cheek watching as he rubbed it against my hand. His eyes lids heavy as he gazed over my face, lust filled his eyes and I knew my eyes had the same expression.
"Why did you let me make love to you in Stefano's house?" My gaze dropped from his, wishing to God that I didn't have to say anything.
"Cara" He prompted "Please tell me"
"I felt dirty after the ordeal. I wasn't raped, but they touched me and he forced me to touch him" I choked. "You made me feel clean again. It's like you sanitized me. I felt clean afterwards, just like I knew I would"
I could hear him fuming, anger emanating from his body.
"I killed him" He whispered to my ear like he was telling me a secret.
"I know" I whispered back.
"Because even if I hadn't told you, you knew he had hurt me. You saw it in my eyes."
"Yes I did"
'Sometimes I hate how you can read me like a book while I can't even read anything on you except when you want me, but I was glad you could that day"
"I'm sorry you went through that"
"It's okay, I got out unscathed. But what if I hadn't survived?"
"You would have."
"How do you know?"
"I wouldn't let you die. I could never take a risk when it comes to you" I struggled to say something, but no words came out, not even to ask what he meant. This man loved me, he may not have said it, but he did.
Quick one
Do you think it's too soon to forgive Raphael?
As its our tradition, please touch that star down here
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