Chapter Music: "Past Story" from the anime "Fairy Tail"
I crawled beside him wearing a reserved smile on my face, curious about what and how much he was about to tell me. He could be mean and menacing but I found myself equally in love with that side of him as well. I was in love with both the ruthless and sadistic Astar and, of course, with the one who was spoiling me without good reason.
My reaction seemed to have made quite an impression on him so I prepared myself for his next sarcastic comment.
However, he only avoided my gaze and fixed his eyes somewhere else, "We'll talk after we've settled down somewhere."
"What do you mean? Do you have a plan for after we leave?" I wondered how I would ever make it out there without him.
His expression turned dark as he shifted his gaze to me. "How much do you know about life outside?"
"I guess it would be difficult for a human to make it."
I had a vague idea that humans were being manipulated not only by demons but also everyone else who was stronger than them. Even wizard villages weren't too favorably disposed toward them as they made easy prey for demon attacks, putting the whole community at stake.
"So you don't know the details."
I shook my head. Honestly, I was really curious to find out.
"We..." he paused, "may not be able to live very peacefully."
I stayed silent to consider his words. I knew that much about myself but wouldn't Astar's presence make it somewhat easier?
"You'd probably wouldn't lead an easier life without me," he added, troubled, confirming my thoughts. But why 'probably'? It seemed that I still didn't know enough about his life.
"I, uh, don't think I would mind even if you made my life harder." That was my impression.
I wasn't one hundred percent sure and reality would soon test my statement. My life had never been truly difficult. Thus, at that moment, it was easy for me to believe that I could stand anything as long as he was with me. But I was never hopelessly romantic. I always tended to acknowledge that it was possible for the opposite scenario to be true, even if that seemed unthinkable for the time being.
"If the time comes, I will be the one to release you from the burden to decide," he said, perhaps sensing my uncertainty.
Somehow, I very much detested that promise. Was he that altruistic he wouldn't mind leaving me? Or did he simply not care that much?
"Will it really come to this?" I asked.
"You should have suspected as much from the moment you first set eyes on me."
Of course. His unusual lifestyle wasn't limited to Astar himself – and he appeared as though he couldn't do anything about it. The way he always conducted himself could only mean trouble. The way he had once divulged to me that he had murdered Luna hadn't given me the impression that he would ever regret it. The way he spoke to everyone and the reason why many people were wary of him only confirmed how ruthless he was. And I was okay with that. I still was. What I couldn't accept was losing that devil of a man from my life.
Would the lives he most likely had taken seek revenge in the form of the living?
No. Would there be a moment when I would have to let him go because being with him would become unbearable? I couldn't imagine what kind of tragedy awaited me if that was the case.
No. I couldn't stand this. Was a relationship really worth it if it was meant to end someday? And, even worse, I wouldn't be able to get over it if he had given me no reason to do so. Him being selfless would only make me crave him more.
"Now what kind of face is this, idiot?" sharp yet gentle, his eyes commanded me to stop this train of thought at once.
"It all comes down to this," he spoke slowly and purposely as if having read my mind, "consider that being with me is currently your safest option."
I knew he expected a clear reaction from me but all I could do was lower my head. He was right. If he couldn't make me happy in the long term, all I could do to deal with this was focus on pragmatism. After all, my life was the thing I valued the most, right? But how was I supposed to deny my feelings when I was right next to him?
In that instant, Astar surprised me with a sudden embrace. He had laid down his head on my shoulder blade and his breathing had turned ragged. I could tell he was not only trying to convince me.
"I'll do anything to prevent it," he nearly spoke in agony, as if he was already assured that it would be a futile battle.
I couldn't help but feel conflicted. He seemed to care about me a lot already but that only made it more difficult to let go. When would I have to say goodbye? A year later? A month? Or less? I loved his reactions and felt a strong need to calm that dark mind of his, despite my own pain. I lovingly hugged him back and stroked his back as if I was soothing a little child. Only that he wasn't a child at all. He was wise and, yes, kind if he had a good reason. He had helped Merihem and now he was also helping me. He deserved to be at ease.
However, my resolve was soon crushed by a disturbing thought that hit me like a lightning bolt.
"Is being with me the safest option for you too?" I stammered.
No response.
To someone like him, that meant no, right?
Oh my God! How could I not think of it?!
I instantly tried to back away but he only clasped me more tightly.
"Let me go!" I almost shouted and tried to push him away. How could I be with him when I knew I put his life at risk?!
"Stop it," he warned in restrained rage.
I wanted to. I wanted to be with him no matter what. But not if that could end up hurting him. I then had a way to save him! I should do my best to... stay away.
"I can't. Please..." Please don't make it so difficult.
I tried to break free once more but the moment I did, something unexpected happened: Before I realized what was going on, Astar had pushed me back onto the bed again and was clasping my neck with both his hands. Unlike the previous time, there was no hint of kindness left in his fierce grey eyes.
When I tried to move my arms to stop him, I realized I didn't have the strength to do anything. Had he used his powers to immobilize me?
"You seem to be forgetting who you're dealing with," his smirk was wicked.
For some reason, his threatening words didn't bewilder me. I felt as if I had been prepared to hear them since long ago.
"You... won't kill... the one... you want... to protect," I fixed my gaze on him.
He laughed sardonically and gripped my neck more tightly: "You don't know anything."
I could no longer speak but somehow I was not scared either. Did I trust him that much or had a part of me surrendered to the idea of being killed by him already? Either way, I couldn't just ignore the facts. I had a hard time believing that he could treat me like yet another prey after everything he'd shown me.
However, he appeared determined to prove me wrong.
"Now listen to me, you fucking cunt," he glared at me without a trace of mercy and his hair turned silver just like when he was threatening the other professors, "either you go along with everything I say, or I'll make the rest of your life a living hell."
It was obvious he wasn't acting himself. His voice was tinged with madness and his eyes were more wide open than usual. He seemed more like a vicious animal than a man of reason. If I were to judge alone from how he looked now, I would be assured that everything up to that moment was a lie. I would perhaps think that he had feigned interest in order to satisfy his own interests of which I was ignorant.
But there were two problems with that theory: First, I was so conceited when it came to my own perception, that I simply couldn't believe he had managed to hide every little detail of his true intentions for all this time. Second, maybe I was so into him that I didn't care about his good side anymore. I could still find things to admire. And those would be his strategic thinking, our common goals, his passion and his detachment from everything I hated. If that was the case, then I was in love with a true criminal. Would that be so wrong?
The answer came automatically: Yes. If he didn't have a greater plan or no hint of selflessness he was simply below my standards. That wouldn't be the man I thought he was. But Astar was not like that. I trusted myself too much to believe he was that good a liar. He couldn't know me so well to show me everything I wanted to see. I knew he had a purpose which I approved of. And that was why I couldn't find it in myself to agree with him no matter what he did.
A few moments later he released me, the ruthless expression remaining on his face.
"Speak," he commanded.
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