It's (4:10 --- 4:58 )in the morning and I haven't or just can't sleep in general. I have no clue why? And I think it's me going back to school on Monday. 🙃
I feel like ranting soooo imma do it. If y'all don't wanna hear it, click off this chapter.
Well since I have no one else to rant too, imma rant to y'all. Well I mean--there's my mom but she don't wanna hear my bullshit. I mean, let's be honest😂 she's already heard half of my shit complaining already.
I'm not sure why but throughout my whole high school years I've become depressed? Idk what I could even call it. Axienty? Sometimes I found myself walking down a hallway getting in one of my classes, breathless. All because at times I forget to breathe? I've never told anyone but it's like my mind is focused on one thing, and forgetting to do the other. At times I didn't even realize it until I was breathing hard in my seat. Worrying if anyone was judging me.
I love school, don't get me wrong! I love learning new things, and such. It's great. But a part of me just hates Public school. Y'all Maybeee probably figured out by now, that I can be a introvert and keep to myself half of the time.
And that's because I was bullied also but It's been years since, so part of me has a idgaf attitude at times. BUT
Half of the time, when I attend public school I would feel sick and not want to go to school and there's the other half which I indeed didn't want to go.
I think it's because I believe school is just a competition. Well at my school at least.
You compete to have the most friends
You compete to have the best grades/test scores
You compete to be the best dressed
And I hate competing against others because tbh I ain't rich enough to afford some top brand items.
I'm not the smartest kid, but there's much pressure on me to be. ( family)
And I'm not a social butterfly/sporty.
If you play sports at school you are popular or have lots of friends.
If not, then again it's just my school experience from where I live. I don't want to trigger people.
And I definitely did try out for multiple sports but many of the people were just unfriendly and the players would talk shit on their friends that played the sport. And honestly is that working as a team?
I mean that's why I don't play school sports at my HS. But I definitely wanted to play with other kids around my town but it cost $$$$, which we don't have.
Really, Without either one of those, you feel as if you are nothing. Even when I had 'Friends' at the time. They didn't notice me drifting apart, me being upset, none of them. Unless they didn't care, or wanted that.
And when I finally said something to them, they told me I didn't put effort. Bitch I texted you all saying we should plan shit and they never texted back or showed.
And anyways, we all never had anything in common. Like I had some good memories with them but god damn.
And some of you might be thinking, " Why don't you just change schools? Districts?" I wouldddd but the other schools are too far, and the closest ones are where the "snooty" and "rich" people go. I'm sure every High school has that one rival that always fights. Plus my brother is a freshman this year and I don't want to do that to him.
And my mom doesn't want me to do online because she's afraid I won't get into college. And I mean she's a stubborn woman so anything I say, she will and or yell at me.
So I'm kinda stuck here. Like what do I do? My dad ain't shit either. I don't even want to go off about him😶
What the hell am I going to do?
Then I'm forced to be the one to stand out from all the others! Grades and all. I mean shit, I'm taking AP classes/honors just so I cant just impress Colleges but also my own Grandmother/ Family. Idk if I can even handle AP! Plus I'm taking two sciences! Like come on!
I'm a junior this year. This is supposed to be the 'hardest' year and they want me to get my license and a job on top of this. 😕
I'm just gonna have to confront her, tell her if these past weeks aren't good, I want to switch to online school.
I mean, it would have much of a flexible schedule and I could graduate early if I wanted! I would be able to communicate and WRITE MORE!
Guys idk what I'm gonna do but idk...
I might sleep in today but Ik I have also to get something done today as well.
Hopefully I'll be able to post.
I'm gonna try.
No imma do it.
I need to, I mean at least.
SORRY FOR THE RANT❤️