A week.
I had been here a whole week. I hated myself for it. I felt as though I was betraying myself. My thoughts. I just didn't know what to think anymore. We all kept to ourselves. The boys went on about their days. Mr. Phoenix went to work. I had went with him the whole week. I wasn't comfortable staying with the boys alone. So I would just sit in his office while he did his work. ten in the morning until nine that night. Sometimes earlier. Sometimes later. Reading one of the many books he had on a shelf. I wasn't really comfortable with Mr. Phoenix but he was familiar. I had been around him the most.
We'd return to his home and I'd immediately flee to the room I shared with Rylie. We kept out of each others way. He only really came in to sleep or to get things he needed. Cameron was almost always out of the house. He seemed to always have something to do. He had a summer job at some basketball camp. Carter drummed most of the day. He often went out at night and staggered in at awful times in the morning. He was light on his feet. Like, he's done it thousands of time. Still, I would hear him nonetheless.
They were just all so ... ordinary. And somehow that was odd. It was strange. It didn't make sense. There was always some dirty secret. Something off. The Ramones were drug dealers. The Marshalls beat the shit out of me. The Jacksons' college junior son raped me. I could go on and on. I was numb to it. I had seen and been through it all. Yet, the Phoenix's were nothing. Average. Mundane. There were no looks. No hidden touching. No nasty comments.
They let me be. I couldn't understand it. Frankly, I didn't want to. I was savoring it. Holding onto it until the impending storm. There always was one. Expect the worse before anything else. It was something I lived by. Something that had been ingrained in me over the passing years. I was once naïve. Innocent. Fantasizing about the day a nice family would come and get me. But those were pipe dreams. Fantasies. They don't come true.
"Hey, you ready?"
I'm pulled out of my thoughts by the voice of Mr. Phoenix. I had been just staring out the balcony window. I turn around, Mr. Phoenix was adorned in a white button down rolled to his elbows and a skinny black tie matching his black slacks. That strange patient but weary look was always in his eyes.
I send him a nod and follow behind him as he makes his way down stairs grabbing his suit jacket along the way. The boys were sprawled out around the living room and kitchen. Cameron was making himself a sandwich, stuffing his mouth with chips along the way. Carter was writing in a journal I've often saw him with these past few days and Rylie was watching some animé cartoon on the television.
"Hey, we're leaving. We'll be back by nine and no, I'm not getting take out. If I can leave the office by eight I'll make us all a late dinner."
"I'll be waiting," Cameron gives his father a playful look before chomping into his sandwich.
"Of course you will. Alright bye, I love you all," Mr. Phoenix hollers out before stepping into the elevator.
"Love you too and also; bye, new sister who hates us," Cameron shouts back as the doors dings closed. Mr. Phoenix let's out a sigh.
"I apologize on his behalf. Cameron's always been the talkative and more playful one of the trio. He means well."
"I don't hate them."
"I know. You're just uncomfortable, right?"
I nod and he sends me a weak smile in return. Once we're in the parking lot of the complex Mr. Phoenix let's me know we have to make a stop first. Apparently we had to go see my case worker; Regina. He wanted to have it on paper that he was fostering me because laws and all that. I wanted to tell him it was a waste of time. Regina hated her job and that was definitely projected onto the kids on her roster. I, and others had been put into horrible homes and taken out of decent ones because she never actually filed her paperwork or sent it to whomever it was supposed to get to.
We were driving down the road in a comfortable silence. Mr. Phoenix leans over once we stop at a red light to put his cell in the glove compartment and for once I didn't flinch. Still, I tensed. I wouldn't say I was comfortable around the man but I didn't feel weary. Mr. Phoenix was very conscious of my silent plea for distance and non touching. He wordlessly understood that I wasn't much of talker. He didn't pressure me to be around him or his family. He didn't make me feel bad for wanting my space from them all.
We make it to the office building in an hour. Pop playing on the radio dying out. He Always switched it to the hits station when he started the car. It was a small building. But more spacious on the inside. When we enter the building he goes to the receptionist and signs in. Chairs lined the wall and most of them were filled. This was like an all in services center. They specialized in foster care, welfare, and other things I never looked into.
We both sit in the two chairs by the window. His forearms rest on his knees. He scratches the stubble on his chin. The women in the room give him fleeting glances. Mr. Phoenix was attractive. I couldn't help but wonder why he never seemed to even cast his gaze on other women. They definitely looked. I pick at the dead skin on my fingers before biting the already made nubs on my fingers.
"You shouldn't do that," Mr. Phoenix mumbles to me. I immediately stop and purse lips, "It's just ... It's a very bad habit. A nasty one at that, so many germs you're putting into your mouth and then touching things with the same hand spreading them more."
I bite the inside of my cheek, placing my hands under my thighs to sit on them so I wouldn't be as tempted. He had a point. I remember Holly saying something similar and also that it wasn't Lady like.
"Phoenix and Hendrix?"
The other, other receptionists that sits in the back where the social workers are calls are names. Mr. Phoenix stands, dusting invisible dirt off himself and straightens his tie. I get up as well and follow behind them as we head towards the back. Regina Knight presided in the second door on the right. Her office always smelled of cigarettes. I was positive it was Illegal to smoke indoors.
Mr. Phoenix notices the stale nicotine filled air and crinkles his nose before his face contorts into it's charming smile upon seeing the social worker. Regina was in her usual pant suit. Cocoa skin always looked moisturized. Her hair was a short and kinky fro cropped close to her head. Her usual maroon lip sick adorning her lips. She wasn't ugly. She was beautiful really. In her early fifties, she still looked relatively young. She just had a horrible attitude and obvious disdain for the people she was supposed to make sure were being taken care of.
She gives a toothy smile back to Mr. Phoenix before her eyes cut to me. They weren't warm. They were cold. Laced with annoyance, "Hello, I'm Regina Knight, Aaron's social worker," she shakes Mr. Phoenix's hand.
"Derrick Phoenix."
"I've heard of you."
We sit in front of her desk. Me on the left. Mr. Phoenix to my right. Stacks of un-filed paperwork sits on the left corner of her desk shielding our gazes away from each other. I fight the urge to bite my nails in nervousness.
"What can I do for you?"
"I'd like to foster Miss Hendrix. Officially."
"Really?" Her tone was relaxed but the surprise in her voice was evident. She glances at me. Eyes emotionless. We never really got along. I was the "problem" kid. The one that had been in more homes and group homes than most.
"Yes."
She starts typing on her computer. No doubt pulling up my file, "Mr. Phoenix, I know you've only mostly fostered males and you have two sons, correct? All of same age?"
"Three. Two are around her age the other is twelve."
"My apologies. Well, it's not often we place girls with such families. It's precaution I assure you. Being as it is just you and them. There are no other women in your home, correct?"
I notice the way his jaw locks. His voice comes out deeper than it usually sounds, "Correct."
"I see. Miss Hendrix, while she might be a lovely girl," she says through gritted teeth, "She's has a past with being in homes with male counterparts and it's not very pleasant."
I feel his lawn eyes on the side of my face. I squeeze my hands between my thighs. My lower lip being gnawed on between my teeth.
"Can I ask what you mean, Ms. Knight?"
"Certainly," Her fingers clack on the key board. She takes a sip of whatever's in her mug, "She was recently removed from the home of a very nice and affluent couple after the wife," she clears her throat. Almost as if she was uncomfortable, "found her husband and Aaron in a very compromising position."
I feel my mouth go dry. I squeeze my legs together feeling the pressure on my hands. I felt nauseous. Like, I could throw up right there. You can only block out things for so long. Not thinking about it. No talking about it. Yet, someone just has to bring it up one time and everything comes crashing back down.
"Compromising?"
"You have three children Mr. Phoenix. I'm sure I don't have to spell it out for you."
A dark look flashes over Mr. Phoenix's facial features. A muscle in his jaw ticks. He catches my stare and a look of pity flashes through his eyes. Sympathy. I didn't want either emotion from him. I wanted to leave.
"Is that all?"
"There has been other allegations from the other people she's stayed with."
"Were they looked into? Did the police get involved?"
"They were just allegations, Mr. Phoenix. She was out the homes before any investigations could happen."
Allegations. She calls my pleas and sobs allegations. My nightmares. They called them lies. Fabricated stories I conjured up from my own sick and demented mind. A means for me to take money from them. I was destroying the futures of their sons. Ruining the reputation of their tight knit family. A homewrecker.
"I'm sure you understand that children whom grow up this way hardly have a moral compass," she continues, "Very active and sometimes deranged imaginations they have. Some girls and boys alike make such claims as Aaron's for money and more often than not out of spite. Jealousy. While we don't take these claims lightly we also have to take them with a grain of salt. These families--you--open up your home only to have it demolished by such a disgusting fable.
Miss Hendrix, has never wanted to report her claims to the police and she's also never had a rape kit performed after any of her claims. She either runs away or the family puts her out adamant on the innocence of their loved ones whom she's accusing. So, there is no evidence nor any proof to anything she has said and it's really he say, she say."
"I see," Thats all Mr. Phoenix says. Nothing more. Nothing less. The cool response doesn't make my anxiety ease. I feel all too vulnerable.
"I'd suggest you think about this very thoroughly and maybe discuss it with your family before making anything official."
Mr. Phoenix nods his head in agreement. I felt physically sick. My hands were shaking and the sting of tears was prominent. She never believed a word I said. Told me no one else would either. That's why the police weren't involved. The process of a rape kit is humiliating. Having to recount the events adds more salt to the wound. It's a dirty and grimy secret you keep to yourself.
I shouldn't have let it happen anyway. I could have screamed or fought them off harder. I could have said 'no' louder. I could have done something. I should have. Instead I let them. I let them humiliate me. Degrade me. Make me feel like dirt. They say I liked it. Maybe I did. It's happened more times I can count on my fingers and I've done nothing. But leave. Get kicked out. Just to be thrown right back in.
Maybe I was making all of it up. How could I know? Foster kids are some of the most fucked up. Maybe I was one of them. Mentally ill people usually don't know they're mentally ill. Maybe my nightmares were just that. Fabricated. Dreams I had been conjuring up from my own imagination and deranged mind. It could be jealousy. Me, seeing these families. The bond. The love. Me, Hating it. Wanting to ruin it. Wreck it. Destroy the futures of their children so they can see what it's like to have nothing. Take their money out of spite. Take everything they have.
And why not? Everything was taken from me.