ASHLEY POV
I had always thought that if I had children they'd bury my first and I would be old as hell, wrinkly in fact and lost all my beauty. But today I was burying my child. There wasn't much to speak about, no one talked.
My daughter had a crystal glass case and was in a dress. A white one with frills, bows and silk sashes. I had asked for pink roses to be adorned on her stretching headband. She was precious.
She had on Ruby slippers as well. Virginia was peaceful.
I wouldn't let me children come to the funeral just my father, Lana, Eliza, Salome and I. I couldn't bring myself to drop roses on my daughter's casket. I had just sat there as the pain within me bought out a trillion tears at once.
There couldn't be a God. No God would've done this to me, no God would have let me suffer this much after having my wife being kidnapped and we both being raped. There was no way a fate could be so merciless.
I wanted her back inside me, I wanted her too tiny body to keep growing. I don't care about the pain! I'd go through it again to have her alive.
I was slumped over her casket after I had fallen ; not being able to have much control and weak legged. My face was to hers. "Vir- Virginia please!" I was banging on the casket in hopes that my child had just been playing peek a boo with me. "come back! You can not leave me here! Do something! You all must bring her back to me!" I looked up at my family. The people with sad and compassionate eyes. Yelling at them.
I was sobbing, an ugly and blubbering mess. I am hideous. Crying over the glass when it should have been me! Why couldn't it have been me? I've experienced everything in life. She didn't experience how to breathe, she didn't hear my voice. "take me with you!"
"That's it!" Eliza rose her voice. She pulls me back up from my baby but I grab for the casket. Then again Eliza is to strong and her hold is keeping me from going to her. "there is nothing we can do Ashley! NOTHING!"
But that wasn't true. "all the fucking money you have and you're saying you can't bring our daughter back to life?!" but then again but even all the money can buy love or bring someone back to life. I was fucked.
She didn't answer because she knew I know that she knows there isn't shit we can do for Virginia. But I don't stop trying to reach for her. I kick, scratch and bite Eliza out of pure anger.
"Bury her!" my father demands. "now!"
"No!" I am a screaming. Any moment to lose my voice. Eliza covers my eyes with one hand and has her arm around my waist to keep me restrained.
In a calm voice which I didn't care for too much she tells her ; "we've done it all, you have to be strong enough for Wolfgang and Dallas? You're not being a very good mother. I know you're in mourning, I am too. I wanted her in this world just as much as you did not we have to let go."
Let go? Let go! Let go?! I growled "you don't know anything now get your hands from my eyes!" I wanted to see. I knew I was irrational and that my family wanted me to only get better. They saw me falling.
I was being turned around and my feet were scraping across the gravel. "I'm so sorry," she apologized. Only thing I wanted now more than anything was pain! I wanted to feel more pain, real abusing pain. I needed someone to give me that pain and I could only rely on her for this.
"You're not a good person at all Eliza, you're a horrible person." but I couldn't judge. I was cheating on my fiancee. with two different people. That's probably why I lost my own child. Being a whore and whatnot.
Soon enough we make it home, the babies aren't home however. Vera, Joss and Alan had them for the whole night. Not that I needed the alone time, I loved them all, I didn't need to be alone. I needed the childish cries inside my ears and then the pain.
I unlock the door and hung up my jacket while putting the keys in the key bowl. I hadn't talked to her the whole ride. I take my clothes off as I walk throughout the house towards the playroom upstairs. "what are you doing?"
"What does it look like? I'm going to the play room." I snapped.
"Ashley you aren't fully healed, you are stressed beyond what I can comprehend. You lost our daughter! You aren't thinking rationally! The last thing you need is to go in that room!" Eliza grabs my wrist.
I go inside the room after walking up the stairs already. I blush when I hear her heels clonking up the stairs, knowing she's coming for me. Knowing she'll touch me and punish me! "I want you." I'm back inside our grey play room. It's been forever since I was in this room! I looked around taking many punishment objects.
A few clothes pins, a whip, a flogger, a paddle, genital clamps and a blindfold. She's now entering the room. "do not abuse my lifestyle Ashley, you are not in control of yourself even!"
I turn towards her as we're only a few feet away from one another. "punish me." I demand.
"No," she whispers, breathless.
"Why not? I scratched you, kicked you, slapped you, bit you, told you I hated you and cursed at you, why not?!" I shout at her.
She sighs before answering. "because you are distressed but I will not hesitate to take you to the hospital if you are going to hurt yourself." I didn't want to go back to the hospital or the loony bin. She threatened me.
"Please just one lash, just set me free."
"I promised to you that I'd never hurt you."
I get down on my knees. "please Mistress please, I'm begging you!" my eyes are hurting from the amount of tears I've spilled today. I landed kisses on her legs and upward now grabbing her legs, she gave me now mercy. When I came to look up she was struggling to be firm. I sent kisses to her lifeless hand, it dropped but was curled.
She got onto her knees with me looking into my sore eyes. "you need help Ashley."
That wasn't what we needed to hear. I didn't need to hear that I needed help. I needed to feel the pain I was feeling. "no, no, no!"
She nodded. "Ashley do you think it's good to cause shit to all these readers and the writer that you have so many damn problems?! Get your shirt together!"
(DID YOU GUYS SEE WHAT I DID THERE? LOL BUT BACK TO REAL LIFE)
She nodded. "Ashley we're getting married next week." what was she saying? What's going on?
I was having a panic attack right here... Right now. "what're you talking about?" I asked.
Eliza was smiling in front of me, calm as ever with my face between her palms. "you need a new schedule. We need a new schedule to go about life, we need a balance Ashley and we are going to change everything."
She was right. We needed change, I had to move on. I could see that, why she needs to move it up when it was supposed to be next month. "tell me what to do please." I begged more.
"You are going to keep yourself calm and be at your best behavior with me, I need you to try to be yourself well your best self. When we get married I will promise you that everyday for the rest of your life that your heart will heal. This isn't the end, it's only the start."
I could hear from afar that there were people coming in. I was shaking hard again. "hey!" she grabbed my attention. "hey, it's just Alan and his team okay? Keep your eyes focused on your Mistress! Only on me so no matter what is happening it's only me, you are my Slave? No?"
"I am." I answer. I focus my eyes on her very hard with determination.
"They are going to take everything that is sharp from this house- Our home. They are going to take off the doors and the locks, and they are going to switch the key from this playroom and they are going to take your phone. "
I had no choice, I could hear that. They were going to strip me of every right I had but through her I was bound to listen. "but--"
"Didn't you sign a paper that you would never disobey me? Never hesitate and question me? Am I in anyway abusing my rights to you?" I had to listen. I could only object if she was abusing her authority and therefore nothing was hurting me. Or my mental well being right now. I was only being defiant and stubborn, feel uncomfortable even. I nodded and looked down at my hands, "no, my eyes are not there, they are up here--" I look back at her. "nothing they nor I am doing right now is hurting you in any form now we are going to go outside, take a walk and you are going to talk no matter how much it hurts to talk while they get rid of the things in this house."
Eliza was very firm. I don't say a word but I get up and see that men around our home are unscrewing wall hooks, doors, hinges, taking most of the kitchen ware, taking long sashes of fabric, bolting a metal wall over the balcony and even the razors. I felt like I had to object about the razors. "but I need to sha--"
"Your pubic hairs do not bother me neither do hairy legs or underarms," Eliza advised. They got rid of the straightening and curling irons, pick combs, bobby pins, scissors, her pins, needles, sewing machine.... Just about anything and everything that had potential to be dangerous. The house was baby proofed or... Ashley proofed. "just until we're back home from our honey moon."
Alan handed me Gia. "your dog has my whole team scared, we've never seen such a vicious dog in our lives."
"How?" I ask.
"Turns out your dog only likes women." He says before leaving with his men.
We leave the house and is now walking out the building while walking the dog. "we're going to talk about it." Eliza told me.
We walk across the street to the park. It began to rain but the lightest rain ever. "I only knew the pain of losing our daughter. The doctor took his hand up me once I had Wolfgang and Dallas, I thought he was going for the placenta but he was pulling her out and it was so painful but then my parents wouldn't let me see her until I demanded that I do instead. She was too small, she hadn't developed all the way.
She was yellowish and blue, she was dead. The doctors told me she died while I was first in labor and in between three hours of being in labor she died or perhaps while I was pushing. Now losing her is like the greatest pain ever, as if the sun was eating me but forever instead of just swallowing me whole.
A forever pain that goes on and on...I thought I was dead too when I looked at her lifeless body. I wanted to be, I wanted to be gone. I didn't care about you or anyone else when I saw her I just knew that I wanted her to be alive." I explained.
She held my hand. "we can try again in a few years."
"I was weak Eliza. Why couldn't my body carry her too?"
"Ashley you are a very small person, you're almost a model too if you wanted to be, it's a miracle that your body survived Dallas and Wolfgang but you are anything but weak, you're the strongest person I know. You could have died on that operating table."
"No one will forgive me though." I whimpered.
"She will. I will. Your father will. Both of your mothers will-- Hell, you buried your child along side next to your first mother. Sara would have been proud! She's probably taking care of Virginia now!" Eliza assures me.
"I'm not even sure there is a God."
Thunder strikes in the air and it rains harder. "Ashley there is, or so I believe and our child is gone because you couldn't handle what was already given to you, you are hear and that is the best gift anyone could ask for!"
"Do you love me Eliza?" I ask looking her into the eyes once more.
"Are you kidding? Yes! Since I could remember. I love you..." this time she said it slower. In realization. "yes, yes I love you. I love you so much, more than myself and anyone in this world, I love our children all the same though but I love you so much and no one will be able to tell me different."
"Good."
"Grand."
Comments about Ashley's break down? The funeral? What do you think Virginia might have been like if she was alive? Do you think she still could have anything to do with the on going series in the future although she is dead? Anything I should improve upon? I am taking agreeable request for the story.
Also what do you think about Alan and his company taking the objects and things from their house? Was it to extra for Ashley's problems or was it reasonable to take away those things seeing as she's in bad shape? Let me know!