Felicity's POV.
I pace back and forth in my room alone, Kendrick just left and I can still feel the flush in my cheeks. I finally did it! I am finally able to touch my mate. I am so proud of myself for pushing through my fear and making all my hopes come true. It wasn't easy and I was so scared but I knew it was now or never. I felt so good waking up this morning, I felt stronger. As I was inching my hand closer to touch him I could hear the words of Kendrick, Lana, Warren and Dan in my head, encouraging and telling me I could do it. They have been so supportive of me and I couldn't have hoped for a better group of friends.
That's what I have, that's what we are: friends. This warmth builds in my chest and tears spring to my eyes, I haven't had friends in a very long time. Growing up it was always too dangerous and too risky for me to have friends with my father around, I couldn't let anyone get hurt again. No, never again. Now, I have no reason to fear anymore, he can't hurt me. I press the heals of my hands to my face, trying to stop the flow of tears from falling. I remember the last friend I had, poor Adrian. To think the last friend I had was when I was just a young girl and my father killed him. He was a sick, twisted man! He didn't care about anyone but himself.
These thoughts then remind me of my mother, the woman I loved so much, and he took her from me. He put the blame for her death on me but it was all him, I never have and ever will blame myself for that, it is the one thing I know was never my fault. Mother would be so happy for me right now, that I have friends and I have found my mate. She was always my biggest cheerleader. I'm so happy I learned how to play piano and used it to keep my memory of her alive.
Oh my gosh! I just realized, I haven't played the piano in months, at least that's how it feels. It's just that, with everything that's happened I haven't been able to go to school, Mr. Vanderhuff must be so worried as to where I am. I have never missed so many classes, I need to let him know.
That's it, I need to get my life back on track, I'm almost done school and the recital is almost here...oh no! The recital! I completely forgot about it. Thankfully Warren brought me my phone from m- no, the house, so I have it back with me. I quickly run to the side table by the bed and grab my phone to check the date. It's next week! I've barely had time to practice. I think on my progress, I'm more comfortable with myself and my surroundings, I need to get back to school. I just have to be careful with other people around me, maybe I can talk to Warren about it later. I stop and smile to myself, Kendrick can finally hear me play, I can't even remember if I ever mentioned it to him. The first time I saw him there was one music piece that came to my mind as my eyes connected with his. I've played it many times before so I only need to practice a few times before the recital.
My Kendrick. I lift my fingers to my lips and rub them softly against them. I smile at the thought of almost having kissed him after I finally touched him. I never thought being so close and touching him would have such an impact on me. I want kiss him so much but I know I'm not ready for it. Looking down at him as his eyes gazed up at me I could see the desire he felt, and of course the second he noticed how nervous I was, he backed away. Although I was slightly disappointed, I am thankful he stopped whatever was growing so quickly between us. I'm not sure how I would have handled it. We can take baby steps from here on out, now that we've held hands I want to do it again. I'll be patient with myself and slowly embrace the feeling of skin on skin contact I want it so badly with Kendrick. I sit down on my bed and try to relax but with each thought that flickers through my mind I get even more tense.
He told me he loved me, I almost missed it. I can't believe after all that's happened he loves me. I felt like I was floating up in the sky, heck I still do, and I don't not know when I'm going to flutter back down. I don't know when it started to happen but something in me started growing too. The sweet emotions I feel for him, how I like him more than I ever thought was possible, everything is starting to change.
I can't put my finger on what it is I feel. I've never been I love, I don't actually know what love is. I thought I loved Warren but now seeing how happy he is with Lana; making comparisons of Warren's feelings and now my own feelings for Kendrick, I don't think I ever was. I definitely liked Warren a lot, loved him being there for me when I needed it, well what the truth of it all is...it's all very confusing.
What is love? How can you know that what you're feeling is love and not just a temporary feeling. Is what I think is love absolutely real, or just a figment of my imagination that will just fade away with time? Can I even truly fall in love? Am I capable of that? Is it really possible for someone so damaged like me to be able to fall in love? These are the questions that spring from somewhere deep inside my heart drawn out by fear.
The first tear falls down my cheek, I don't wipe it away as more just keep falling down my face. How could he possibly love someone like me? I'm disgusting, a washed up whore. I have nothing to give and I'm not worth it. Can he really be in love with me? It's happening all to quickly for my liking. Its been almost a month, how can someone fall in love so quickly. It's just not possible, it's irrational. The tears just keep falling and soon enough I'm hyperventilating, I hear feet from downstairs, someone running in quick succession and I already know their making their way to me. He opens the door and looks at me, he comes with his arms open tp give comfort but I cringe away in my own self disgust.
He lows him arms and instead falls to his knees before me and the worried look he has in his eyes break my heart that for a few minutes I have to look away. If I look into his eyes it will just give me hope to believe the words he said could possibly be true. "My Love, please tell me what's wrong. Don't cry, it pains me to know you're crying and I can't hold you to try and fix it. Talk to me before I go insane," he says it so quietly. I stop to take a deep breath and the ache in my chest eases. "Why? How can you- why?" He stares as me with those deep penetrating eyes, "what are you talking about? I don't understand." I can barely get two words out so I just keep asking why through my tightening throat and just point at my chest hoping it gets the point across.
"Are- are you asking why I love you? Do you doubt my words or do you find it incomprehensible that I could love you?" I just nod my head knowing he'll understand. "Well I love you because no matter what, you are mine, mine to hold, to cherish, to care for. You have gone through so much that didn't deserve to experience and you deserve love. Your father should have been the one to teach you what love is and yet he only gave you pain. What he did to you- I could never do that to you Felicity, when you're hurt I hurt."
"I- I don't know if I can love you. I- I dont know what love is. I feel something for you, so much, but I don't know what it is!" I pull slightly on my hair out of frustration, why can't this just be easy! I feel warm fingers touch mine, I flinch at the unexpected contact and yet still lean into it. His fingers slowly wrap around mine, "don't pull your hair out please, don't hurt yourself. If you don't know how to love or you're not sure if you love me, that's okay. Let me teach you what love is and maybe one day you will realize that's what you feel. If it ever gets to that. Love doesn't just happen automatically, it needs to grow and mature. It changes over time and never looks the same no matter how many times you look at it. But I will promise you, you will never feel unloved again because I am yours, even more than you are mine. You are my greatest gift and I don't care what's happened to you in the past, I will always want you no matter what."
I stand up abruptly and release his hold on my hands "but I'm horrible, I'm ugly! How could you want this?! My own father raped me and yet you say you still want me anyway? Don't I disgust you? How can you desire me when I have been defiled and used in the worst way!?" I walk away from him and move to the other side of the room, I push myself against the wall and turn away, I can't look at him anymore. The self disdain I hold for myself too strong. "He did that to you Felicity, you never wanted that.
It doesn't make you sick, it makes him sick. Don't blame yourself when none of it was your fault. No matter how many horrible things you say about yourself, I will always find you to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I will always desire you. You are my Luna, the future Luna to my pack and one day you will grow strong and rule by my side just as you were always meant to. I believe in you." His hands rest softly against my shoulders, since the first time we touched I am embracing the feeling of his touch, the craving for his comfort growing.
He turns me around to look at him, "try for me Felicity, don't give up on us. It's okay to be scared and unsure. I will show you, we can learn this together. You are not along this time and you will have me with you every step of the way. You couldn't get rid of me even if you tried. I will not make the mistake of walking away from you ever again." I nod my head at his words, the truth in them finally sinking in, "you're right, I can do this." I look up into his eyes and don't turn away, "I can do this, for you, for us. Show me what it means to love and I will do my hardest, I want to love you so much." He smiles hugely at me and draws me a little bit closer to him but without us touching completely, I breathe in his scent and as I blow the air from my lungs out, I finally calm down. Hope builds up again and slowly starts to push the doubt away.
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Hello, my lovelies.
I hope you are with me in how much I love this chapter. It's a bittersweet moment. One filled with so much pain and yet so much truth. Recovering from tragedy doesn't happen alone, it's when you have those around you there to support and love you. When the person struggling finally recognizes the lies they were believing and pushes them away. That is the beauty of recovery, you never had to do it alone and in there you find your strength.
So next time you see someone struggling, be that person for them. The one who stands by their side and knows that without a doubt they can lean on you. Be their stronghold.
On another note, you really need to read these fantastic books! They are a trilogy. The first book is She Runs with Wolves, they lead couple is so strong and amazing! The second He Came From the Wild, which is my favourite of the trilogy, I read it first and the couple in it is my favourite couple of all time! The third is Raised by Wolves which is another fantastic book. All of them written by ellarose12 go check them out! You will not regret it. If you've seen my reading list you know I am an extensive reader of anything werewolf so these three stories will not disappoint!
-Viorra