129:Rafe
I woke with a start, breathing heavy, having had a dream. I sat up, and held my head. I'd been in the temple, in the baptismal area, and my dad was there—and my brother, Danny. He was there, in the temple, all dressed in white, and his eyes were so accepting, so happy. He was nodding to me, with this super great smile. I scrubbed my palms into my eyes and felt the tears.
"Rafe?"
"I saw Danny, in my dream."
"Your brother?" her voice was muffled, sleepy, trying to comprehend.
"Yeah."
"Oh, Rafe!"
"I know."
"That's so cool."
"I know." I lay back down. My breathing was returning to normal, but I felt cool. Aubrey pulled the blanket up and then scooted her back side closer. I turned on my side and put my arm around her. She laced our fingers.
"This is hard." I said to her, sighing.
"Sleeping together?"
"Without making love, yeah. It's harder every day." I wiggled my thumb against that soft weight. She stopped the thumb. I kissed her back, licked her, and finally tongue kissed her skin, sucking on it tenderly. In true Aubrey fashion, she arched, and then settled into it, loving the new experience, trusting me to take her no higher than we could both handle.
"I can't go back to sleep." I blew on her new hickey, and felt very happy that she would wear it today in Guadalajara.
"I'll get up with you. What time is it? Four?"
"Four-thirty."
"We can get up and go for a walk."
"I think I need some time." I said softly, "To think about my sins, and what we are doing today. You still fasting?"
She had started her fast last night. I couldn't do it before a concert that size. I'd pass out on stage without hydration and nourishment. There was no way to keep up that energy level for two straight hours.
"Um hm."
"I'll fast this morning with you."
"It's a concert day. Maybe better not. You can fast tomorrow."
"I can fast this morning." I said and slid off the bunk. I could hear music coming from Jeremy's bunk, and snoring from Levi's.
I put on my sweats and hoodie over my t-shirt and opened the bus door softly, hoping not to disturb anyone. The night air was refreshing, smelled of the nearby fresh water lake, and the heat off the jungle and forest. I'd been to Guadalajara before. Not to concert, but just as a tourist. I was excited to show Aubrey a few things.
I walked softly, hoping the crunch of my flip flops wasn't too telling. We were not at the venue, which I knew was downtown, in this more modern city, the second largest in Mexico. Tonight we would be staying at a hotel closer to the venue--- tonight and tomorrow night.
I put my head down to the soft interior lake breeze. A bird cried out lonesome, maybe in warning. My fears were clouded by the noise of the silence, and the generators. Where were we?
Outside town somewhere. I could see the lights in the clouds. It glowed, like LA.
I had some serious things to ask myself. The way me and Aubrey were going over controversial subjects, that was the way I needed to ask myself these questions. I understood what the Bishop had said. It was better if you could answer every recommend question perfectly, and believe that you lived by their precepts, but they gave those same questions to twelve year olds, whose experience of life was very limited, and whose journeys were only barely begun. I vaguely recalled my first temple trip when I was twelve. I'd been about four times I thought, and each time I'd answered all the questions perfectly. Do you believe in God?
Yes. Yes. I stared up into the heavens just beginning to lighten for the day. The sky revealed stars and the moon, fading softly, making way for the beauty the sun revealed. I made the connection. The Son. Jesus Christ, the one who revealed it all. Did I believe that he knew me?
These last few days I believed I'd felt him hanging around me. Not when I was with Aubrey, which was when I'd felt the spirit telling me there was danger. I couldn't deny that experience.
But just the last few days, in the peace and quiet of travel, the darkest recesses of thought--- making decisions that affected my band. I'd felt this silent interest turned my direction. It had hit me again when I was on stage last night. I felt His eyes on me. I knew he realized I'd changed the words to songs that were inappropriate. He was aware of my subtle efforts to correct things that weren't right. I knew they weren't right--- even from a personal non-religious stand point, the way made more sense, trying to appeal to a brighter and more honest side of life. Less cussing and appeasing the gods of fanaticism---
I thought about my differences with the church. Had people really hurt Dan? My mother and sister believed they had. I don't know. Aubrey was right--- Lance thinking he was shunned--- I don't think it was intentional, I doubt anyone even knew his sexual preferences. He didn't broadcast. The Bishop would not have disclosed them. Only Lance may have told someone. People were more curious than anything.
Aubrey had indicated that people were just human. Things may have happened, and Lance may have been hyper aware too.
And why had I left? Daniel's death was a good excuse, but wasn't the band taking up all my time? And hadn't someone, one of the myriad producers and managers we'd tried out before we'd just gone it on our own, hadn't one of them said we needed to be more nervy? Using topics and words others didn't. Not afraid to tackle controversial and fantastic subjects that no one else wanted. We did. I learned to sing with high falsetto notes in places no one would have expected them, bridges that changed a song drastically, and didn't go with it, riffs and drums that were unexpected. And words--- I'd used words and situations like stalking, and break ups, and getting shit faced drunk and abusive. Things people knew about but didn't address. Hadn't those decisions been the real reason we'd left the church?
Did I sustain the prophet and other guys?
I wasn't sure. Their policy still seemed harsh, but having it explained to me, I could see where it might also be protecting. I would have to go with that. I knew the church was true. It was the only place I'd ever felt the spirit warning me about anything, and now the dream with my dad and Dan. It was the only time I'd ever felt any of that.
Do I live the law of chastity? I was celibate right now. I hadn't been in the past. But I wasn't even slightly celibate in my mind. I thought about sex all day and all night. I wanted it, I wanted it with Aubrey. I wanted it all day and night with her. If that kept me out of the temple today, then I would deal with that.
Family. I'm cool. I love my family. But I did need to call my dad. I knew that.
Affiliate with groups that tore down--- other people's beliefs or religions? I had. But I'd canceled my membership, my subscriptions and publically--- at least as publically as I could on tour—I had my agent notify them not to use my name, and expect any more contributions. I'd already put my money into another group--- an LDS group that sought to give support to those with gender conflict of any kind and any level. Simple. I put some money into research too.
Do I do my duty in church? Well no. I barely went to church. Three weeks in a row. That's it. And I paid my tithing. I tried to be honest. I think I'm honest.
I believe that Jesus Christ restored the actual church that he'd started in Jerusalem all those years ago. I think it makes sense that he would bring it back when the time was right. I believed in the Book of Mormon. Pretty much hadn't had a problem with anything we'd read.
Do I live the Word of Wisdom? I shrugged and screwed up my lips. I had an issue with it a little bit, I guessed. Did I know that it was better to go without substances that altered the brain. Yep. I did. But I also thought that some substances, if not overdone, could help people relax. What was the difference between smoking weed and popping valium? Valium was worse. Cigarettes were worse.
And--- I will admit--- now---
Exercise and sex are better for relaxation. Being with those you love and knowing you are right --- with--- God.
I sighed, held my head. That was it. That was all I had to offer now.
Maybe later I could offer more for the chance at continuing my temple experience. But one had to start somewhere. After today, as far as the temple went, Aubrey and I would be on exactly the same plane. We'd have the same experience of it. I shook myself. It wasn't a competition. She had given far more to this relationship so far than I had. If it was a competition then she won. Her compromises were far greater. She was a doctor--- she'd agreed to go on tour, setting her career aside, thirteen years of school and work. For me. To know if I was the right man for her. She'd stayed with me--- when her religion and everybody she knew cautioned her to keep her distance--- to do it all by a different more tried and true formula. And the biggest compromise that even I knew was causing conflict for us already--- she allowed me to sleep with her in the same bed every night. It was not the right move. It was increasingly difficult.
She was everything I wanted in a woman. She was beautiful and athletic. She was spiritual and intellectual. She wasn't arrogant, she was caring of others, and easily stepped up when she needed to. She loved music. She loved me.
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