I felt the little heart stop. I massaged, tried to think what else was possible. Noise around me had subsided, everyone including the machines held their breaths. Please, Junior, please. Oh please!
I laid his little body back down and took off my gloves.
"You have to declare, Doctor. "
I swallowed hard. "Time of death ten-forty-two." It had been an eight hour surgery. I was dead on my feet. Someone touched my back as they passed. I stood there, my fingers on his little leg. I closed my eyes and prayed for him, for his parents, for Doctor Goodwin--- for myself--- for Rafe. I just stayed there, feeling Junior's little spirit circling in the room, looking for his mommy.
Tears leaked out, and another hand patted my shoulder awkwardly.
The Chief came in then, probably summoned by my cohorts. I felt his eyes on me. "Aubrey, it was a long shot anyway."
"Don't." I said.
He waited. "I'll tell the parents if you want."
"I'll tell them. Just give me a moment." I knew others were waiting outside the door, giving me space, but they wouldn't be happy to wait too long. They liked to hurry and clean it all up. All the evidence. I sucked in my breath--- the tainted air of his tiny life and death.
I felt the rage cover me. It usually did about now. I felt such incredible rage. Futility---- indescribable pain.
And then, I hushed it. I could feel my Savior. His hand was on my shoulder. He didn't blame me. He had made me, and Junior.... He would sustain us and give us peace. His peace.
I turned and walked out of the room.
****
I wasn't just tired. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I didn't want to see anybody, but a part of me knew I needed to see Rafe, talk to him. Not about my experience, but about his. If his best friend had died Thursday, it was likely the funeral would be Monday, today.
No lights were on in his windows. I went into my own house and changed into comfortable jeans and a blouse I liked, and went out onto the patio. The beach was soothing. But I didn't stop there, I went directly over to his house.
The blinds were pulled and no lights could be seen here either.
Maybe he really wasn't there.
I went home. I could call him.
No, actually. I couldn't. I didn't have his number and he didn't have mine.
I laid around, fell asleep, woke to bright sunlight and went to my room to change. It was past ten. I had to be at Cedar Sinai at eleven. There was no time to get him flowers or a gift. I taped a note to his window with my phone number and then left.
I worked out of Cedar's quite a bit. I knew everyone and they knew me. It was familiar and comforting. The nursery was full and several babies had issues. We had a department meeting first and then I was assigned some surgeries. Two pediatric that I had been working with, and two new babies.
It proved to be two too many. I ended this day past midnight, and was beyond dead on my feet, with three living patients, and one deceased. A child I'd been working with for two years had been brought in with complications. Surgery was scheduled for later that day.
This is when days start to blur together. I caught a few hours of sleep in an on call room and then performed the surgery that saved Jamie Heindrick's life. Another baby came after him. I caught another few winks, and then an emergency surgery on an eleven year old car crash victim was necessary. I wasn't the only surgeon.
In between, I checked my phone. I had missed several calls from my mom and dad, and sisters. None from Rafe--- or even an unknown number. They would all understand if I didn't return calls right away. They were used to it.
I approached the open door of a special little patient I'd been working with. Putting on my not-sleepy face I went in and greeted Hannah and her parents and grandparents and four year old brother. Hannah was recovering from a respiratory infection as she waited for a kidney transplant--- her little brother was the donor. Hannah was six.
I checked her records, listened patiently as the nurses reported and then talked with Annie and Michael about the upcoming surgery. I talked to little Rory, and smiled as I told him that everything would be okay.
In the end it was okay. But there were surgical complications, and moments of nerve wracking scrambling. But in the end it was okay.
Honestly--- you should know. This is how my weeks went. Almost always. This is what I did. I'd been doing it for over a year. I was still doing it.
It would be Friday before I even sat down to take a break. And then I would discover it was Friday of a week I hadn't started yet.
And one day that all ended.
*****
I was on my way home. I was once again exhausted, but looking forward to a tae kwon do workout, maybe hoping Rafe was home. I'd had very little time to think about him--- and was ashamed and frustrated with myself.
I think I'd met him in March. I heard his songs on the radio. I listened in rapt attention when somebody talked about him as a talent searcher or producer on TV--- that I couldn't watch.
And now it was May.
My mind spun dizzily. I felt like I lived in a hospital.
I pulled into my garage, recalling the time Rafe had come in there humming and be-bopping and looking for his cat. That had been a good weekend. That had been such a wonderful interlude.
I hadn't even processed it. And it was May.
My phone buzzed and I looked at it. It was Julie, my sister-in-law. She rarely called, but when she did, it meant a good long chat. I shook with exhaustion. Surely she could forgive me for needing to sleep.
I went in--- changed, made a relaxing tea, took it out on the patio--- it was warm out there, and laid down. I don't remember much till Doctor Miles Belizum was standing over me the next day.
*****
I woke with a start, dreaming I think--- maybe, I don't remember now. Miles was standing there, a manila envelope in his hands, his best doctor's outfit in place.
"What is it? Did I miss something?" Right then I wasn't even sure what day it was. All my current patient's files ran through my head, trying to make sense of why Miles was standing there.
He held my phone out to me. It had fallen on the ground. I took it in the dim morning light and scanned recent calls. All were from the same two phones. City of Hope Helford in Duarte, and Julie Crandall my sister-in -law. I looked up at Miles blearily.
"There's been an accident. You're needed."
I swallowed, sitting up fully awake and reached for the envelope.
"Can we go inside?"
"Of course." I mumbled and wrapped my loose fitting robe around me tighter. Inside I flipped the lights and lifted the chest x-rays to the fluorescents above me. Miles just stood there. I knew him to be a very good doctor, a general surgeon that worked mainly out at Helford. I had worked with him a number of times, but not recently.
"A child, blunt trauma--- stomach or bowel has herniated. Might be constricted. Have you checked for a diaphragmatic rupture?"
"Yes, but they are very hard to diagnose. I felt I needed your opinion. The patient is stable at the moment, having undergone surgery already for bleeding in the brain."
I glanced at him. "Car accident?"
"Bike riding."
I cocked a shoulder. "No helmet?"
"She wore a helmet, we had to pry it out of her with pliers."
I gulped. I was frankly surprised she was alive.
"There's something else."
I knew I would need to shower, but time was actually of the essence. "Can you tell me on the way there? I've got to shower."
"This can't wait." He said stiltedly and I paused on the stairs, already planning in my mind what I would do to ascertain diagnosis and possible surgery.
"You are the best at this kind of surgery in the southland, Aubrey and that's why I'm here. Because you are the best and I've convinced Chief Getter that you are the only one who can perform this type of surgery at this time, but he was very reluctant and still wants me to caution you to back out."
"Back out? Why?" My heart froze. There was only one reason why I might be asked to back out. Only one and Julie's repeated phone calls attested to that reason. I sank to the carpeting on the stairs.
"The patient's name is Angelee Crandall."
I put my head in my hands feeling light headed. Miles came forward quickly and patted my shoulder, asking me pertinent questions that I couldn't hear over the ringing in my ears.
"He's right." I said woodenly, as I sat up and rose unsteadily to my feet. "He's right to think I should be banned, but I will never forgive myself if I don't try. She's my niece, Miles. That baby is my own niece."
I turned and ran up the stairs. I was dialing Julie's cell as I went, stumbling into the bathroom.
"Aubrey! Finally! Where have you been? We've been trying to reach you!"
"I know! I know! I'm on my way, Julie. I'm on my way."