chapter 12 already...geez....this IS one of my favs. I absolutely adore it. so read on(and yes, all definitions are real)
playlist: is in the external link section
song: Won't Go Home Without You by Maroon 5
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Chapter 12
Flowers
Monday was the first day I found flowers. I was walking to my locker, April trailing behind chattering about homework, when I heard her gasp. "What?" I asked, whirling around too fast.
She jumped at my speed. "Aerie! You have to quit doing that!" she exclaimed startled.
"Sorry," I mumbled. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Just look at your locker! Someone left you flowers!" she cheered and towed me to the bouquet. She pulled them out of the vent of the locker and thrust them to me, excited. "Who are they from?"
"I can only guess," I muttered, knowing.
"There's a piece of paper tied to it! Read it!" she bounced up and down, excited.
The flowers were fuchsias and I knew who sent them. I didn't need to read a card to know that. I read the paper anyways.
In a neat, proper, English man's son's script, there were the words:
Fuchsia-Amiability. You give me happiness. Don't push me away.
My eyes filled with tears. I shoved them away and willed myself to be angry. Angry. I had to be angry. He was pushing me over the edge. Did he want me to go insane and try to kill him again? It had only been a week. I wasn't sure if I was able to control myself with him trying so hard yet. I was already beating myself up enough on my own as it was. I didn't need his help too.
"So-o-o, who are they from?" April asked extending the short word.
"Ben," I muttered and opened my locker.
"Ben?" she asked suddenly confused. "Didn't you guys break-up? Or stop whatever you had going?" she amended when she saw me go ridged.
"Yes."
"Then why is he still sending you flowers like you're his girlfriend?" I watched her study me in peripheral vision as I traded texts books.
I hesitated before I answered. "Because he wants me back," I thrust the bouquet at her so she could read the card.
I let her have her privacy as she read it and didn't pay attention to what I could have seen out of the corner of my eye. And then she was hugging me. Her hands were rubbing my hair, back, and cheeks. "Hey, whatever he's done to make you break-up with him, you never told me, and I'm asking you too, it has to be bad. Don't cry." I didn't actually realize I was until she said anything. I then attempt to wipe my eyes. She leaned back a little but still kept her eyes on my face, her hands on my upper arms.
I laughed a tired, embarrassed chuckle and choked, "God, look at me! I'm balling like a baby. Don't let my tears get your day down."
"Don't worry. You're not. Cheer up, Sweetie. It can't get much worse."
I didn't say anything, but I knew that that short five word sentence was oh, so untrue. It could get worse. It could get a whole hell of a lot worse. And it would, I just hadn't realized it yet.
"Excuse me," Ben's voice murmured. I closed my eyes, trying to put him out of my mind. It didn't work in the least.
"Yes?" April growled, repositioning herself so I was partially behind her. If I had been in a better mood, I would have laughed at her possessiveness.
"I'd like to speak to Aerie. Alone," he added when she didn't move.
"Make me," she breathed, her voice icy. I had never realized she cared this much. But her words sent my mind into a frenzy. My eyes snapped open and I glared at Ben with a deadly stare, almost daring him to obey her order.
"I'd rather not," he was watching me and answering the two of us.
"Then when I open my eyes I don't want to see you again, Ben." She had taken on a semi-sarcastic tone. His eyes turned soft, pleading. He had something he needed to tell me, but he wasn't going to get the chance. I had to be mad. I had to be angry. It would make it all easier.
I couldn't do it. "It's alright, April," I said, my voice polite, my eyes, still black and trained on Ben's.
"But, Aerie, I don't think-"
I looked to her with a weak smile as I cut her off. "I'll be fine. Don't worry. I need to speak to him anyways."
"Are you sure?" her eyes were searching and worried.
"Yeah. Positive."
She sighed, kissed my cheek, then turned to scrutinize Ben one last time. Seemingly unhappy with what she saw, I could tell she was contemplating sitting on his feet. Instead, she stalked off to Film Appreciation, in an apparent huff.
"Hey," I was short.
"Hey."
"What is it you want?"
"Do you like the flowers?" he was hopeful.
"Sure."
"Be serious, please Aerie."
"Why? Why, Ben? Why? What is my motivation? So you shower me with flowers? I'm serious when I'm saying stay away." I then followed April's example and stormed off.
He grabbed my arm. "Wait!"
"Don't. Touch. Me."
He sighed and let go. "Wait."
"For what? For you to turn into a vampire? I have nothing to wait for but the chance to be free," I said simply, turning to give him a look of despair and hatred.
His eyes fell shocked and I turned away.
He sat next to me in English. I gritted my teeth when he did, got up, and moved to sit on the other side of April, in a seat with no empty ones by it. I heard him sigh as Mr. Iltnew began preaching about section five of the Times Standard's review.
April passed me a pen once he was absorbed in his lecture. I stared at it blankly, not know why she was giving me an unneeded utensil. I glanced at her, puzzled. She picked up her pen and twisted the tip until it popped off. She turned it upside down and dumped the ink tube on the table. She then motioned to the pen she had given me.
I followed her unclear instructions to find a little piece of paper wrapped around the ink. Mentally I laughed. It was discreet version of passing notes. The message read:
Gosh, I'm soo sorry, Ariel.
He's being quite the jerk.
Is there anything I can do?
I quickly scribbled my own message and replaced the parts.
Besides pushing him off a
cliff, I don't know.
I knew he could read it from where he sat, that's partially why I wrote it.
Do you want to do something
tonight to try to cheer you up?
Sure, what?
Uhh, movie, pizza, shopping,
beach, river, anything!
Movie and pizza, my treat.
Sounds great, but I'll do the pizza.
Corvallis.
Yeah.
The plans didn't fall through, and I actually had a good time. True I still couldn't get Ben off my mind, but I was able to laugh anyways.
Tuesday fell and there was another gift on my locker door. It was a single red carnation.
Red Carnation-Admiration. You are like a carnation to me. Don't make me admire you from afar.
I took a deep breath and shoved the flower into my locker. I made a silent prayer that when I came back after third period the flower would be a mere nightmare of my morning. However, it wasn't.
And neither was the daffodil I found the next day with the note:
Daffodil-Emblem of regard and unrequited love. I regard you with a love as unbreakable as the skin of those you regard with hate. Don't want that to change.
Or the jonquil.
Jonquil-Violent sympathy and desire, love me, affection returned. I sympathize with all of my being, yet I can't stop the desire. I know it caused you the pain but I all I can do, is ask you to love me. I know you do and I return the affection. Truly.
Or even the orange rose.
Orange Rose-Enthusiasm. I look at you with an enthusiastic heart. Don't feel as if it's wrong.
He just wouldn't give up! And after three days of silence I finally spoke to him, and it was just that that I told him.
"You just won't give up will you?" It was lunch and I had dragged him behind the colossal trashcans by his wrist. My mood was foul and I wanted to go to sleep; the day was far too long for the head and heart ache he was giving me.
"Nope," he grinned, all of his teeth showing. I shuddered at the menace in the expression and he laughed slightly. "I'm not going to hurt you."
I turned solemn. "You're right. I'm going to hurt you. I always do." And with that I left him.
That night I cried myself to sleep, my soul heavy with loss. I didn't even kill a vampire quickly that day. It had taken me nearly a half an hour to catch and obliterate her. I was a little down in the dumps.
* * *
"Who sent you flowers?" My mother was frying eggs. The smell was revolting and heaving in a trashcan sounded pleasant.
In a croaky and nervous voice I asked, "How do you know they are for me?"
"I don't have anyone to send them to me. Which one of those guy friends of yours likes you? Do you like him?" She pushed the small bouquet of four striped carnations towards me. I sighed and forced myself to the end of the counter to fetch it. I wasn't sure I wanted to read the card I knew would be attached.
Striped Carnation-No, sorry, I cannot be without you.
Four-Home and a need for persistence.
I can't keep going on without you. I need a home and I have one. You are it. I will persistently try you until I can get it back.
"So? What does it say? Who is it from?"
I bit my quivering lip, disquietude sending me into silent yet poignant hysterics. "It says," I chocked, trying to hold back my pain, "That I am particularly liked by one...boy...." The forced word came out a little too loudly, "and that he wants to see me sometime. He needs to know I'm not...dating right now." With deep breaths I turned to face her, to show that I wasn't lying.
"Are you alright?" she asked, putting down the spatula to mollycoddle me.
"Yeah, perfectly fine. Why do you ask?" I patted her back to show her I appreciated her attempts.
"You're crying and using contractions and sad. What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I swear to you, it's nothing of any importance anymore." I hope.
"Anymore?"
"Mom, I want to take a shower. Love you." With that I fled the kitchen, clutching the flowers close to my chest.
* * *
I got up at six and camped out on the lawn. If Ben was going to play delivery boy at the crack of dawn I was going to intercept the package. With my iPod, heating blanket, and slippers I crouched in a lawn chair next to the door, a waterproof extension cord running across the yard from the garage. Around six-forty I broke into hysterics again so I put on Mozart's Concerto for Flute and Harp. Within moments, still nowhere near complete relaxation, I surrendered to sleep.
It was nearly eight when I awoke, the sun breaking the trees a golden halo of radiance upon the malachite crown of Gaia's angel. The song had replayed during the hour and fifteen minutes I had slept and had come to a passionately irenic section of melody. I thought the muffled sound of the birds chirping completed the scene, but when I raised my head to get a better look, I realized I was ever so wrong.
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Favorite part here! ahhhh!
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A man birthed right from the womb of Aphrodite herself stood, palms out at his sides, legs just less then shoulder length apart, in front of me. His eyes were shut and his back was to the forest, his pearl white skin translucent in the sun, every one of his millions of veins prominent and easily espied from where I sat, twelve feet away. Despite the distance, he looked colossal, a giant of a man, towering over me like an elongated cherub.
And yet, I could see in every inch of his motionless body fear and damnation. My angel of a lover was one of Satan; the days of his star-crossed soul numbered. And when the time did come that he no longer felt pity for humans but mere denigration and bloodlust, I knew his frozen blood, iced and reflective veins, would be no more than a gesture to their archetype, his heart, destined to love nothing more than himself and the inebriate high of the kill. He knew the inevitable truth of this matter and lived his moments anticipating its arrival.
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hope you guys liked it! Its my little poem deal
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Feeling came back to me and my eyes looked down. On my lap was a single purple lilac. Silently, I read the card.
Mauve Lilac-Do you still love me?
One-Positivity and new beginnings.
I still love you. Whether you love me back I can only guess with positive nature. I want to start over. Don't hate me for what I am.
I stroked the flower and then looked up to find him staring down at me with a perplexing gleam in his eyes. They steadily watched my every move, as if he was counting my breaths.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked after a few uncomfortable minutes.
"Why did you give up?" His voice was like a heating blanket for the soul. If I was to die, I wanted it to be in his arms, knowing he was there with me.
"You're not answering me."
He walked over to me, stopping three feet away. "Yes I am. That's my answer. I'm doing it to probe you to remember me. I don't want to be alone and I've never wanted someone to be with me as much as you. I've been living in the homes of beautiful girls just like you for five years now. This is the first time I haven't been housing with a slayer. You've probably wondered what went on in that time. I'm going to be honest, I've thought things about those slayers and done things with them, but nothing felt like this does. There's a million flowers in the meadow and I've come to know quite a few in intimate ways, picked them from their stems and indulged in smelling the sweet aroma they put off, but only one species has caught my fancy enough that I'd have it in every room of my home all year long if it wasn't seasonal. But that season came and went and I'm trying to remind you that I'm willing plant it in a pot and grow it on my own if you will give me the seed. I'm not saying it would be easy, there's a lot of work that flower would require to be grown year round, but what I am saying is that I'm willing to go to end of the universe and back if you want soil there. Please, Ariel," he dropped to his knees and folded his hands at his collar as if in a bedside prayer, "lend me your hand in allowance, one package is all I desire. Enough to give warmth to my heart and home."
What do you say to that? There are a few different situations in which all sense of coherency is lost. One is where someone whom you really don't want to associate with requests that you participate with them in a particularly personal activity, such as Thai asking you out. Another is when you realize you've hurt someone you love and you find them terrified of you. Every time I spoke to my mother I wound up in that situation. And then while there are others, others that were less applicable to my life, there was one I found myself in now. That was one in which someone you really care about proposes their love for you in way that allows you to see the deepest depths of their heart, and all the wonders in it, and you find yourself knowing that you have to turn them down, but every iota of your being wants to take them up on their offer. And you know that when you do tell them no, it will literally obliterate you up from the inside out.
What was I supposed to tell Ben? There were millions of words in the English language and none of them seemed to cover what I felt. All I could do was be honest and attempt to make sense of myself. But how?
"I-I don't know what to tell you," I murmured. It was a start.
"Say yes," he rocked back on his haunches. His redwood brown eyes were pleading, pained. They sparkled in the light reflecting off the living room window, pools of reddish brown paint, half mixed and crystallizing. I remembered a line from some comedy strip years ago, "Clear as mud, Teacher, clear as mud." Suddenly it made sense to me. Not in the way the man who said it had meant it, but in a way all its own. Ben's eyes were crystal clear pools, yet they held true to the color of mud. Warm, beautiful mud on a hot day, drying from some past rain.
"I'd like to. You know I would, I just...can't." I felt the tears budding in my eyes, the fire igniting in my chest.
"You can't. But yet I knew that. I knew. I know. I always know." He seemed to be whispering more to himself than to me. His eyes were on the ground, the sockets shadowed, his face dark. What was the point of life, living, and love if you only spend the moments hurting?
I sat up slowly, my body aching. "Like you told me a while back. Remember."
His eyes met mine carefully, measuring my actions. "Yeah," he laughed, his ego, hopes, and dreams wounded, "Remember."
I let pity and love slip through my mask of an even stare but then I looked down, screwing my face into a near puzzled expression. "Hold still," his whispered, moving towards me.
Terrified of what he may be doing, I locked up, ready to stop anything. But Ben only lifted the flower from my lap and slid it into my ponytail, placing the note into my hand. He never touched my skin and I wondered to that. What did it mean? Did I want to know?
When I looked up he was on the edge of the lawn looking back at me. "I'll remember if you will," was all he said, and then he was gone. My mother came out looking for me three minutes later. She had just woken up.
* * *
Wordless greetings and conversations were held that week. Eyes said it all, all which was to be said at least. I realized he was trying, trying with all of his being. It was hard for him though. He wasn't used to looking back, clinging to anything of the past. His personal nature was to push away and hide from unpleasantness, always on the run for something more. Ben looking back and remembering what was real to him was an achievement beyond his norm. Perseverance wasn't an issue, he was always trying for a goal, but perseverance to find something he had had once, not wished he would have, was.
I received five more deposits of flowers, one each day. Everyone I put somewhere on me, in my ponytail, behind my ear, pinned to my shirt, where, it didn't matter. All Ben wanted a something to show that I still cared.
Monday brought:
Yellow Rose-Remember. Remember me now. You want me to remember you but I'm not going to settle an open ended deal. Remember me too and I'll remember you.
Tuesday:
Pink Rose-Love and please believe me. I love you. Please, I am begging you with everything in me, believe me when I say that. There is nothing in this world I look forward to see when I wake up as much as you. Love me too.
Wednesday:
White Rose-Secrecy and silence. You can keep your secrets to yourself, I'm not asking for you to open your heart to me, just to let me have a piece of it, but don't give me silence. I want to hear your voice and know it's speaking to me. Don't keep your secrets in if they keep me out. Share a little, not a lot, just something.
And Thursday:
Wormwood-the torment and separation of love. I live each day tormented by the thought of our separation but I live each night knowing it's for love. I mean not to torment you or to separate us by anything I do, only to love you. I know I do, but do you?
At last Friday came, bringing with it a feeling of strange freedom. As if the present was young and the past was old, I felt my sanity release and my credibility fall loose. Life was an adventure and I was ready to scour the days for everything it was worth. I kept asking myself all morning, what's the point in living if you can't have fun doing it?
Even though I knew fun living was never a good thing, for slayers anyway, I kept wondering about it. What would it be like?
That's why I wore white leather pants with a soft silk belt and big white belt buckle. The top I chose was a white corset type top, not one that actually fitted tightly, with two inch straps and eighteenth century square neckline. There were no ties, but a zipper on the side instead. My boots were white and I left my hair down, wavy from braids worn in bed; a wide white alligator skin head band was placed in my hair, two inches back from my forehead. A white gold chain bracelet with tiny crosses hung from my left wrist, a matching necklace loose on my neck.
"You look beautiful," my mother whispered in awe as she handed me my cell phone; I'd left it in the living room.
"Thanks," I blushed.
"You have a missed call and a few texts," her voice was prudently assuming and she was looking down, her face odd. What was she getting at?
I flipped it open to review the names of those who had attempted to contact me. The missed call was from Sillyte, that much I knew (she had called the house afterwards), but the texts were both from Ben, and it clearly stated that at the top of the screen; I had it set so an arriving text opened automatically, no technicalities to get to it.
The first:
Im watchng the sun set ovr
the flwrs & thnkng of u. Wish
u were here. <33333333333
The second:
U want me 2 move on. Ive
ben thnkn bout that. I dont
thnk itll work w/ me. :-)
No wonder she was in a weird mood. What did she think was going on? "Hmmm," I tried to sound casual.
She ignored me and bustled around, doing as she did every morning. "Coffee?" her voice still off.
"Mmmmm. No, thanks."
"As you wish." She poured a cup for herself and I scoured the fridge for something that caught my eye. I decided a cup of milk and sugar cookie would work, a strange white obsession falling over me. "Soooo," she said, obviously trying to be subtle. "Who's Ben?"
"Someone who wants something I can't," I had my answer planned so it came out easily.
"Can't?" My mother cocked an eyebrow.
"I can't want it or it'll ruin my life. I have everything going as I want it at this point."
"So there's nothing going on?" she was a little worried, not wanting to be too abrasive, but also not wanting to let this slide.
"Not anything you should be worried about. He's definitely not getting what he wants." Poor Ben.
"And that is?" Oh God. I sorta asked for that one. How stupid.
"Simply holding my hand and having the pleasure of calling me something more than a friend. But don't worry. He's not getting either." And neither was I.
"Alright, then," and she hurried to pack her things.
In the car she brought it up again. "Might this Ben person be Ben Arrient?"
I sighed. Why couldn't she just let it go? "He might."
There was silence for nearly half a minute. "He seems like a nice enough boy."
My teeth clamped down on the left side of my lip, my eyes trained themselves on the yellow line. "He is."
"Hard feelings?"
"Something like that." But at last, she was done.
* * *
I parked the car smoothly in the parking lot, my eyes and mind elsewhere. I was searching the grounds for Ben's car. It wasn't here, so my mother could just get on with her life. She bid me goodbye with a small smile, I her with an upwards nod.
As expected, there was a bouquet on my locker door. It was a bundle of dainty white flowers, all very beautiful.
Snowdrop-hope and consolation. I hope that this can be a new beginning for us and that I can give you the comfort you deserve through all of this pain I know you are feeling. It is the least I can do. I hope you take consolation in that.
It was a nice message that near made me cry. But instead, I just smiled warmly, feeling Ben's love running through my veins. The sun was similar to my mood, warm, bright, and free.
"Oh. My. God," April's voice said, stunned.
"Hmmm?" I asked, twirling slowly.
Her silvery eyes were big, her mouth slack. "You look beautiful." That same awe coated her voice that had my mother's earlier.
"Thanks," I whispered uncomfortably. Was everyone going to do this?
"Not that you usually don't," she groveled, "just you seem to go for hot...more often," she smiled, warmly. "You feeling better?"
"Yeah. I think I'm done with the tears. Here," I handed her the flowers, "Help my put them in my hair."
"You sure?"
I honestly considered the consequences, but I just kept remembering Ben standing in front of me, an epiphany triggering sparking image of perfection: beautiful, kind, living, and still flawed.
"Yeah, I'm sure," I said it with a confident smile, and helped her. "Just wind them in so that you can see the flowers and not the stems, but at different levels, not all of them at the top."
She laughed. "You have this planned."
"I do. I want it perfect. Everything works when it's perfect."
She laughed again and we did the job.
* * *
Ben arrived a few minutes before school started and April let to find Sillyte, a knowing smile on her lips. I set off to class walking slowly, wanting him to come over.
"You look beautiful." No awe. He thought it every day.
"Thank you." I didn't look at him, just ahead at the warm sun.
"What do you say we go for a little walk?" he asked, gesturing to the track.
"I really should be in class," but my voice said very well I didn't mean it.
"We'll make it in time. There's still five minutes."
"As you wish."
"I do."
We walked in silence for the next minute, but a quarter of the way around the track he stopped and turned to me. "I want to make our relationship a little less broken. I don't mean anything by that in the sense I know you're thinking of, I just want to see you smile like this a little more." His fingers brushed my cheek and I let them.
"Is that possible? I mean are we able to come to a place where I feel I can handle all of this and you feel that I am smiling? I don't want to put anything else between us, but I don't want to start something that won't work. But you're right. What we have right now can't go on." And the good part is I was happy the whole time I said it. A smile wasn't on my lips, but it was in my heart and I knew Ben knew it was there.
"I believe we can. Just smile a little more and I'll make you cry a little less."
"You've never made me cry. Your letters, maybe, but most of the crying I've done I caused."
"I'm not going to argue with you even though I want to, but alright." His smile was crooked.
"Then we have an agreement."
"And we will have a tardy if we don't run." And we ran together.
* * *
Every day for the next two weeks I found flowers. And with every flower was a note. Not was word was ever said on the flowers, but I made sure I smiled every day. On the weekends I found the flowers on the outside of the window sill and I smiled every time. He knew my mother's reaction somehow, and was sparing me.
Only one day, did the flowers stop.
I left him a note underneath his windshield wiper that read:
Ben,
I love the flowers and they warm my day, but don't deplete your garden. You said two weeks ago that I was your flower. Well, keep the flowers and lay them next to you when go to sleep. Pretend they're me and let them warm your home and I'll still smile at you to warm your heart. I bid my heart you and goodbye. Just remember.