Wahoo! We made it to part 2 people! congrats!
Anyways, this IS one of my favorite chapters. You get a lot of talking and you get an semi-not-really Anne Rice-like my history spiel.
Playlist: is in the external link section
Song: Money Honey by State of Shock
this is Kelsey, Jordin's friend that had the laptop. Remember?
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Part 2
Chapter 8
Ben Who?
My heart skidded to a halt and I was in complete silence for a few seconds. My mind stopped thinking and my muscles stopped working. For a moment in time, I knew what it was like to be a vampire. The world around me was full of noise, so it wasn't like sleep. It was like becoming my prey. I was quieter than feather falling from the sky, stiller than rock on the ground and stuck in world full of the loudness and blinding lights.
In aching slowness, my eyes opened, my heart started, and breathing resumed. What now? What was there left in my world?
Ben, the man I thought I loved was a vampire. Jackie, Fairy, Taylor, and Aliyyah, the slayers I thought were my friends hated me. What was still there for me?
It was just me and the world.
That's how it always had been. Even when I was still humaner I never had the mental confidence to confide my deepest secrets to anyone. I was always closed and reserved. People thought I was open and easy to read, and maybe I was, but I never told anyone the really important stuff. Perhaps they could guess it, but I never told them.
So acting like the clam shell I was, I pushed the real problems to the back of my mind, preserving them for some other time. Right now, I was going to tell Ben.
I had sat next to him all day and put on an okay show, in my opinion, but I couldn't take it anymore. I was in a full and busy cafeteria with too much on my mind for any one person to handle. He was going to know that I knew. And I could tell that I wasn't going to be nice about it either, even though I wished I could.
"Ben," I said clearing my throat. He looked up from the food he wasn't eating. He had torn the pizza into dozens of little pieces, but hadn't put any in his mouth. I wondered where his appetite had gone. If it was any other time I might have asked.
"Yeah?" he asked, his voice, nervous and weak. He was such a cheery fellow, why was he down in the dumps?
My pert politeness faded as I slowly recalled the confusing pain. "What are you?" I demanded, ignoring the dozens of people around us.
"What do you mean?" he asked, glancing around.
"Exactly. What?" I snapped.
"There is a time and place for everything. But frankly," he glanced at his watch, "this isn't the time, nor is it the place for this conversation," he made a spiral with his pointer finger as a gesture to our surroundings.
"You don't like to discuss these things in public?" I asked, leaning forward. No one looked to be listening, but there was never any way to be sure. "Then you will answer my questions outright."
He sighed, but otherwise had no comment on my demand.
"You know what I am. So that prompts my first question, for how long have you known?"
"About you and your reputation, or that Ariel Millon was the person I knew about?" he asked, a little on the testy side.
"About my reputation, for starters."
He looked at his plate. "I have known about your reputation for...five months maybe? I haven't kept track. And I have known that Ariel Millon was who I was looking for since Saturday, sorta. I got here that day and went looking after I fixed things up at my house, then found you at the lake. That silly vampire in the bathroom knew very little. I had to give him a few prompts."
My jaw dropped and I simply stared at his brown hair until he looked up. When he did, he was grinning. There was a wicked gleam in his eyes and I knew that depression folly was over.
"You...you..." I gasped.
"Yes. Me! Me! I was there and I told him to tell you. I followed your scent around town until I found the most recent trail, and then tracked it to the truck. I climbed in the back and listened to your conversations until I found out where you were going. That didn't take very long. Sillyte was chatty, for her. Then I hopped out and took a short cut there, over the mountains.
"As soon as I found him in the only real bathroom, nowhere near the people, the fool, I told him who I was and he freaked out. It seems that word doesn't spread too fast around here. Most knew I was there, or coming. That idiot didn't.
"He was waiting for the shadows to hit, and I lured him out when they did. He ran right towards the trees when I unblocked his path. I tripped him as he passed through the little sunny patch and pinned him to the ground until he was weak. Then I sent him into the bathroom again.
"I had to confirm my suspicions and when you walked up I thought I had. Unfortunately, I got distracted by a girl about drowning in the lake and took off to pull her out. When I came back, you were gone and there was a small line by the bathrooms, the first of the day. The vampire was dead, but there was no way to prove that it was your kill; which I found slightly annoying.
"The next day, I followed some vampires in Cascadia and Monroe for a while, trying to find out what they knew. I lounged in bars in disguise, just listening. That worked until the waitress said that if I didn't have a drink I had to beat it. Mostly she was appalled by a vampire that turned down a Salem Sporty," he grinned wider, all his teeth visible. It was slightly menacing.
"A Salem Sporty?" I asked.
"If you don't already know, you don't want to." I accepted that.
"Anyways, I had confirmed that a slayer was in the area. I then made sure there were vampires for her to cross paths with. In Monroe, I saw a fellow attacking a young gentleman. I pulled him off and made myself scarce. He didn't see me, and he didn't get his kill. I grabbed the man and took off, you came around the far corner of the alley as I went around the near. I could hear your footsteps, but I never saw you. And after depositing the human on someone's door step and ringing the bell, I kicked myself for not glancing back to assure your identity. By the time I found his ashes, you were gone.
"Frustrated, I followed the slayer scent to Cascadia. I made a trail of blood that the silly blonde followed. She had stamina, but no wits. This time I was drawn away by an old man falling out of a window. It doesn't help a mission to have a guilty conscience. I gave up after that, and headed home.
"The next day I when I started my watch at the high school, a place that had the slayer's scent all over it, I got distracted. There was a pretty little girl all decked out in pink and black leather. She moved with untimely grace and her wide wondering eyes never stayed in the same place for long. She seemed to be nervous about something; noises made her jump and her heart beat soar. She was quiet, conservative, and lacking appetite. When lunch came around, she oddly turned down food.
"When I came back to my senses, I searched for the slayer. I could smell her scent everywhere, but nothing from today. I hid in a closet and smelled everyone who walked by, no one smelling exactly right. That was a little unnerving: the fact that I couldn't find a specific smell. So, grumpily, I sorta gave up. I was still on the alert for the smell, but it wasn't my number one priority.
"I went back to watching that girl. I knew you looked and sounded familiar, I just couldn't figure out where. Then, when you went to sit by the red head in third period, I remembered. You were the girl from the lake. I remembered the conversations you had in the car and realized that I remembered more than I should for someone who just wanted to know where you were headed. I remembered all of your exact phrases, a lot of your movements, and even your average number of heart beats.
"I listened to you, and thought, she was a bit spunkier on Saturday, where did that go? I paid more attention than I should have. I couldn't figure out why you seemed upset and why I seemed so intrigued by your every move.
"During P.E. I remembered why I was watching you in the first place: I thought you were the legendary Vampire's Most Wanted Slayer, the number two Vampire's Most Wanted on the list concerning every species. You were unusually talented and layered in crosses, but that's not proof. I guess you might ask, how many people dress the way you do?
"Well, not all slayers dress that way. Most slayers dress unusually, but some even dress very normally. Normal for a human that is. It is in the makeup of a slayer's genes to dress out of the ordinary for humans. You are a culture, a people, and a race all your own. You should attend a Slayer's Convention sometime. It would be inspirational for you.
"You left on your motorcycle and I followed, staying in the trees the whole time. I commented that you drove fast and let you lead the way to your house. The drive is beautiful. Have I told you that? The whole way I was thinking to myself, she doesn't seem like the kind of girl for a tiny little town like this. I wonder why she's here and not in a town like New York City. Ironically, that's where you got your look. By the way, I like the clothing line your group of slayers has come up with. I thought the sixties thirties look that the girls in a New Guinea had come up with was the best, but yours beats theirs by...a million.
"A better topic, you didn't really do anything from there. You sat around for a while and did your homework. I decided I was nuts to think you were the world's greatest slayer and gave myself a good scolding for thinking so lowly of you. I watched as you hurried around the house making dinner for your mom and how you turned the radio up really loud like there were thoughts you didn't want to think about. You wrote something in a notebook while the food cooked, and that made me wonder what was in it. At last you pulled the food out of the oven, wrapped it up and went back out to your bike. My eyes followed you as you rode away, but my mind went back to that book.
"Feeling a little guilty for spying and snooping, but really needing to know who and what you were, I snuck in and found the book beneath your bed. It was a neat brown covered book, not really all that matching to your apparel. I flipped through the book and realized it was a compilation of drawings of vampires. I know I should have taken that as a confirmation that my suspicions were correct, but I denied it. I simply told myself, 'Ben, anyone could draw pictures of vampires. That doesn't make them a slayer.'
"I put it back and took off, trying to find you. When I saw you at the school bringing dinner to your mom, I sighed, feeling very guilty, and went home to work some more. That night, you were in every one of my dreams. I had dozens, and you were the star of every. You and me, together.
"So the next day at school I made sure I pulled up next to you and asked you to show me around. It wasn't like our hand shake would do anything though. The only way to read me is through an unpleasant ceremony that I have tried only once for that reason. So you didn't know what I was. I followed you to every class sitting by you every time, using mental force or sheer coincidence, and allowed myself to become more and more attached to you. By the end of the day I never wanted to leave your side. You were so pretty, so smart, so bright, and yet, you had slayer, and stay away, written across your forehead. But you didn't smell it and I couldn't figure out why. You smelled...aromaless. I don't know.
"And when you took me to your house, I went to look at the pictures. There you were, a normal looking child, and that coupled with all else that I had noted the days before, confirmed my suspicions. I knew that if you knew what I was you probably would have objections, so I told you that I liked you, loved you. You would never have even considered anything if you didn't think you loved me too. And, five days or five years, when a vampire sees something it likes, it's cemented into the vampires heart, mind, nose, eyes, mouth-whatever it appeals to. It was like you were burned into everything, not just the heart. And I happened to know that slayers are like vampires in that way; they can look at someone and never look away, like love beat lust to the punch. I don't know.
"I considered the consequences of it all and made sure that it was set up for you to have a chance at not being mad. Obviously you are: which isn't what I want. Some slayers accepted me, can't you? Can you put aside what I am and accept the person inside of me, the little piece of human in my soul. I have one you know. It's a special trait of mine. I'm not a vampire in the sense that...the ones you kill every day are. I have the blood in me and the cravings, but I have restraint and commonsense they don't possess. I'm a living vampire. Alive-heartbeat and all," he took my hand before I had a chance to restart the part of my brain that told me to pull away. He pressed it against his chest, right over his heart. Sure enough, there was the telltale thump, thump, thump.
"You really are a living vampire," I whispered.
He nodded and said, "And I really am going to be late for class, as are you." He tilted the hand holding mine, showing me his watch.
"Oh," I gasped, jerking out of his hold. "One more question, why do I feel as if I know from sometime before?"
"A little over a week ago I met you at a sushi restaurant in Waldport. We danced and I started to fall in love with you. It was the very beginning of it all. But you must have had something citrusy because I didn't recognize the scent as a slayer scent." He looked down, guilty all of a sudden. "And to hide my path I erased me out of your memory. Let me just say I haven't done it sense and I will never do it again. I am fully ashamed for doing it then." Filled with disgust, I was on my feet and out of the door before he even looked up.
That vampire followed me around like a Pomeranian. The boy was pretty much glued to my side. The only thing that kept me from screaming at him to get the hell away from me before I staked his undead-living-whatever butt was the dozen other people around me. After a horrible game of basketball which included me fouling when ever Ben had the ball, a bunch of free throws made by him, and few too many feet in every jump either of us made as a competitive-air broke through the surface of our relationship that wasn't there yesterday, I stormed to my locker, still in a shocked huff.
When he tried to talk to me while I was getting my books I just slammed the metal door and ran to my bike, not ready to speak to him. If I was going to talk to him, it was going to be screaming. He followed me home, as expected. That was alright though. I need to say what I need to say and then storm off and home was the perfect place.
As I rode, the wind tugging at my unzipped jacket, and I thought about what he had said. For sure I was mad. It wasn't in my nature or in slayer's, no doubt, to accept being watched well-our way of life was too secretive for that. But I wanted to accept it. I wanted to say, "I'm okay with that, just don't do it again." But I couldn't. Little bits and pieces of me told me I couldn't.
He was right about so much though. The whole thing about when something changes it doesn't change back, that was right. I was never going to forget Ben or anything about him, smell, sight, taste, whatever, even if I wasn't going to be with him. But that was the one difference between vampires and slayers in that whole change sense: if a vampire chose to be with someone in one instance, no matter what, they always would, except in the case that the other died or the emotion was replaced by something better€. A slayer, though, would still have free will to make the choice of who she was with. She could love someone with everything in her, but still be able to walk away. And it was in the slayer nature to walk away from love that wouldn't work out.
I had already fought that nature so much. I had stayed with my mom even though I knew she probably get hurt at some point. I had fought it with every ounce of strength in me for her; I didn't have any will left to fight it for Ben.
But what did it feel like to be him? I still wondered that. What would I feel if I were to be allowed into his head? He said it was possible through an unpleasant ceremony. Was I willing to go that last mile to do that last thing I felt as if I needed to do with him? What was the cost and could I, would I pay it?
* * *
"You lying, two-faced, blood sucking vampire!" I snapped as soon as he was out of the car. "You knew what I am! Did you even take that into consideration?"
The boy swallowed hard, his face unreadable. "Yes. Yes I did. I asked myself, do I love her enough to break the will of the world? Do I love her enough to put aside what I am for her? And I said yes. I loved you enough. The question was then, did you love me? I didn't know the answer to that one, but I hoped and put aside my brooding and decided to let you figure out what I am instead of me telling you. I believed that would be right," his walk evenly composed, his voice steady and strong, left me confused as he strutted to the door, and held it open for me.
Shaking off that, I stormed past him and into the house. After dropping my stuff on my bed I marched back down to yell at him some more. "What is this ceremony you spoke of?" I demanded.
His expression turned shocked and his jaw literally dropped. "Wha-?" he gasped.
I nodded, my eyebrows up as high as they would go. "Proceed," was the ingenious prompt I came up with.
"No way! You have no idea how dangerous it is!" he sputtered desperately.
"You said you have done it before," I reminded him, crossing my arms, voice calm.
"And I about killed her!" he shouted.
"How so?" I asked, keeping my voice and face composed, my insides lurching.
He threw his head back and laughed humorously. In the shadow that he stood, in, he almost looked evil. "You seem to think I'm immune to temptations of human and or slayer blood." Lowering his head so it was inches from mine, he added in a whisper, his head shaking slightly, "Guess what, I'm not."
Fear and determination battled inside of me as he pulled back with a deep sigh. He stepped into the sunlight that entered the room from a window on my left, although not quite reaching me. "I can put on a brave face and stand by someone's side in the emergency room while they have brain surgery. I can bandage someone's bloodied finger and kiss it all better. I can dive into a pool to pull out a heavily bleeding baby who happened to fall on a butcher knife and slip into the water. But none of that gives justification for not being torn to pieces inside over the fiery urge to loose myself! And the worse thing is, the only time, other than when I want to, that I produce pheromones is when I'm tempted!"
He took my hand and stared deep into my eyes. The voice he now used, almost a seductive mocking. "My blood temperature drops a few degrees, the room fills with an aroma that lures people to me, my pupils enlarge till they cover the brown in my eye, and my veins shine just a little. All that happens, and I all I want is to suck the life out everyone around me."
He licked his lips slightly, and I swear, as his said each thing, it happened. He spoke of his temperature dropping and I felt his hand rush cold. He mentioned the pheromones and I wanted to do no other than step forwards into his arms. He said that his pupils enlarged and I could no longer see his redwood brown irises, only huge black dots on white. He told me his veins shone and the sunlight pouring in from the window not only made his pale skin translucent, but reflected off of his blood vessels too; showing me a quick glimpse of my own petrified fear.
It was like he was turning evil in my hand.
I knew he wasn't, I knew he was just trying to show me that he can be evil, but it was scary enough to make my pulse thunder.
"See?" he whispered, his voice dark and ominous. The sun was on his back not his face, so it was still dark. "I'm not some super vampire who is no more blood thirsty than you. I do crave blood. I do have to be careful when I kiss you. I do have to hold my glass a little looser than I might want to. That doesn't mean I don't make by easily enough. I do. I don't have to struggle like a real vampire might, but I do have to try. I can't be careless, but I don't have to be on guard."
"You're just trying to scare me," I whispered, my voice barely audible.
He dropped my hand and stepped back into the dark. "Yes I am," he said bluntly, a little exasperated. "I am trying to scare you and it is working."
I glared and stepped back too, putting, easily, three feet between us. "Yes. It is working. Are you happy? I am scared, not of you, but what you are saying. Now tell me, what happens in this ceremony you are so avoiding?" He growled under his breath.
"You know," I snapped, "You used to be so positive. What happened to that?"
"I met you."
"Well don't I feel honored." The contraction was unavoidable for what I wanted to say.
"You should."
"I am patting myself on the back. Really, I am." My voice was dead.
He rolled his eyes, something that seemed very out of place on his face, and said, "If you really want to know, why don't you sit down first. It's not a jumping up and down, frolicking in the meadows sort of story." The sarcastic edge to his tone hurt.
"You know how to tell any other kind?" I asked, miming his tone to perfection, but walked into the living room to slide onto the left side of the couch.
"Actually, yes. I know very, very well." He said with a sour grin and plopped onto the other side.
"Alright, what happens first?"
"This was years ago when I tried it. I had put a lot of research into figuring out how to open my mind to a slayer, mostly just to know who I really was myself, but the slayer I was working with at the time was very interested. She devoted as much, if not more time to the cause of finding out how. At one point she stayed up for three days straight, holding my hand, just trying to get something. She slept for six afterwards. The little thing was so stubborn. But you all are, aren't you? Part of your genetic makeup?" he grinned slyly.
I frowned and pulled my knees to my chest. "Continue," I heard myself hiss in the meanest voice I'd ever experienced emitting sound from my lips.
With a small smile, he followed the given order. "After nearly five months of determined searching, I hypothesized a solution. The only time I ever was vampirey was when I had blood. So, why couldn't she read me while I drank the one drink truly forbidden to me? I relayed my thoughts to her and she too quickly agreed. We had a huge fight; I wouldn't speak to her for a week. I didn't decide against it though, I only decided that she had to think about the consequences for longer. That's why we ended up trying.
"The big question then, what blood will I drink? Both of us were against sacrifices, and were disgusted that the thought even came to our minds. She eventually offered her blood. I wasn't too keen on it, but animal blood didn't do what we wanted to happen, so we created the ritual. A big circle of crosses was made around us, stakes point up everywhere. We lit a small ring of fire outside the crosses and she put dozens of knives within her reach. I burned with the fear of having to go through the state of mind where I felt uncontrollable once again and the likely possibility that I would kill her in the process. She feared for her life and for mine, but not enough for hers.
"I can't make other vampires, Aerie. Unlike real vampires, I don't have that power. I have venom and that can cause people pain, but a blood transfusion doesn't change the state of anyone's body. That's why I can donate blood without creating a web of vampires throughout the world, and a whole lot of scientific hubbub too.
"So I bit my lip and held my breath as she cut her upper shoulder. There are no major veins there and it giving the person being attacked perfect aim to the heart from the back. She offered me the blood on the knife in her hand. I wiped it off with my finger and stared at it hard. It hurt worse than anything to sit there and look at my end. Someone's blood will literally be the end of me, Aerie.
"There will come a time, soon, a few years or so while I'm still in the prime of my life, in which I will loose control and kill someone. It's not like it hasn't happened before, but my body will have stored up enough venom over time that when it happens, I will change. I will become that vampire I never want to be. I don't want blood red eyes and snowy skin. I don't want to not have a soul. I don't want to be evil, but I have no choice. I didn't do that to me, someone else did, seventeen years ago.
"Anyways, she held the knife at ready and whispered, 'Time to go vampy,' as I tasted the blood. And that was it. I snapped. I don't even remember what happen after that." His voice was almost dismissive. "The next thing I knew I was lying on the ground, a knife in my stomach, blood all over me and the sweetest taste ever in my mouth. She was huddled in the fetal positions, rocking back and forth, crying. She was pale and shriveled from blood loss and shaking. I yanked the knife out of my stomach and stuffed a shred of shirt into the cut to stop the bleeding. I asked, 'Did it work?'
"She burst into another round of sobs and hugged me. 'You poor tortured boy!' she cried. I was thirteen at the time and she was nineteen, so I was pretty much just a boy to her. She cried for a while longer, sobbing about how she couldn't understand how I slept through the nights. At last we had to go to the hospital to get bandaged and blood transfusions.
"I mentioned the bit about how I can donate blood because through it all she ended up getting a considerable amount of my blood in her cut and mouth. If I had been able to turn people, she would have changed; she had the needed venom in her veins, alright. I didn't bite her but the venom wells uncontrollably in my mouth when I'm like that so any mouth to blood stream contact is enough. But she is still a slayer and I am still a living vampire." He sighed deeply and asked gently, "Is that story enough for you?"
I thought about it for a while. It was one hell of a story alright. But I still needed to know. There was still that twisted part of me that felt like he knew more about me than I knew about him. In truth, he was just a pretty fellow who tagged along behind me.
"I need to know who you are," I whispered.
"It's out of the question," his voice was firm. I needed new tactics.
With a grudging internal sigh, I crawled over to him. Leaning back on my haunches, knees touching his leg lightly, I asked in my most pathetic voice, "How against it are you?"
He squared his jaw, and stared hard into my eyes for a long moment. But, just as I had hoped, the set look melted and he moped. "I'm not. I honestly think you deserve to know. I just wish there was an easier way. You don't seem to keen on learning who I am through the extended process though. Correct me if I'm wrong," the words were almost a plea, "But you think this in the one and only way to truly know me."
"Yes," I whispered. Why did he doubt me? I was asking him to put my life on the line.
He sighed for what seemed like the millionth time today and ordered lightly, "Find a tarp."
"Thank you," I cried as I got up. And just for him, no, probably more for me, I kissed him lightly, for what I was sure would be the last time.
"I may be a vampire, but I still love you," he said as I ran from the room.
"And I may not be happy about, but I think I love you too," I whispered beneath my breath. He probably heard it. He always seemed to hear the quiet things, just most of the time he pretended he didn't.
I returned with a tarp and he had set his jacket, shirt, and shoes on the ground in a heap. "There is no need to streak," I snapped as I handed him the tarp, trying my best not to look at his evenly-muscled chest.
"You have no idea how much my blood stains," he laughed as he took the tarp. "A lot more so than human or slayer."
I frowned and deliberated. "What do I need to get now?"
"Knives. Lots and lots of knives. It was a nice though last time, but stakes, crosses, and fire still don't work, even when I'm vampy." He grimaced and added, "Change out of anything you don't want permanently bloody."
"Thanks," I whispered as I headed up the stairs. After changing into an already blood-stained light pink camisole and a torn pair of leather pants, I collected all of the daggers in my weapons collection then went down stairs for the kitchen knives that were little used. "Towels?" I offered as I walked into the living room once again.
"Perfect," he whispered under his breath, still appearing unhappy about this whole thing. Cheerful Ben was being a Negative Nancy and anti-vampire-to-the-core Aerie was begging for a vampire to suck her blood. What twisted world was this?
"One last thing," he said as we sat down on either sides of the blue tarp, the white rug pushed into the corner of the living room. "What blood type are you?"
"Uhhh. Whatever all slayers are. I doubt it is actually a type though; I never bothered to be checked. I do not strike down easily."
He frowned and nodded. "Just wondering. There is so much different about you than other slayers I had to ask."
"I am not that different," I snapped, slightly offended.
"Right." He rolled his eyes and frowned. "If anything happens you have to stab me. I don't care if you don't want to or if it hurts to move, you have to, or you will die." He stared me hard in the eyes, harder than he had ever before.
Involuntary chills tortured my back and my teeth punctured my lip. It was weak in a pretty petty girl way, but I couldn't help it; there was just something about his voice that sent my slayer senses into a frenzy. I forced a nod and he handed me a knife. My teeth deepened and felt the skin break a little. "I'm sorry I'm making you do this," I whispered, not really caring about the contractions.
"I came here without invitation and imposed my problems on you. The least I can do for you is let you know who I really am. This will all turn out alright," the statement was positive, but his face was visibly terrified. He hated this with about all of the passion in him. He hated 'losing control' as he put it. He hated feeling like a vampire and he hated having another part of him come out and take over, a part so evil, it forced him to do things he would rather die than do. A part so evil, he ran around like superman in his more humane state of mind trying to make up for what his other half is. If anyone was evil, it was me for making him do this. And if I died, then he would think it was his fault.
Well then I just won't die, okay? Asked the slayer half of my being. I am already doing something so unbelievably stupid I might just get the both of me killed, but I won't because I have me and I am strong enough for the two of me, bless me.
I literally rolled my eyes at myself then internally yelled back, Yeah, well, knowing me, there will be a dead vampire on my floor in a few minutes and I really don't want that, now do I?
Not at all, not at all. However, the sarcasm was too thick for believability.
"You say that now," I whispered and drove the blade into my shoulder. It hurt. That was an understatement. When one gets hurt in an accident it seems to hurt less than when it is personally inflicted. For some reason, the mental trip you get from knowing it's going to happen drives you nuts from anticipation. Hmm. I'm sorta human in that way, right?
What really scared me was the hungry look in his eyes as the sharp edge broke skin. His pupils covered his irises, he skin whitened, and I swore his veins seemed to shine a little. Perfect. Just perfect. Too vampy, too soon.
I handed him the blade as that slayer years ago had done. His hand brushing mine was quite too cold for human prospects, he took it just as he said he had done and looked deep into my eyes. "Have another ready," he ordered and tossed me one of my hunting knives. I held it tightly but tucked the point beneath my calf and thigh so no one would get hurt from me jerking it at the wrong time.
"Time to go vampy?" I offered weakly.
"Time indeed," and he licked the blood from the blunt edge of the blade.
Snapped was the best word I could come up with and it wasn't even original. I was pretty sure he had said it in his story, but the uncalled for fear had my mind trailing behind actual events. The sunlight had moved into just the right position to give me a flash of my fear. His pupils retracted back to their natural place like lightening bolts. However, what they revealed wasn't redwood brown, but the same red color that regular vampires have over their complete eyes. They weren't flat; they were endless pools of blood that I felt as if I was drowning in. There was a strange essence about how he positioned his mouth that screamed evil. His skin was whiter than ever before, and I found myself actually terrified of him. Not much scared me to the point of wishing I was dead, but this did, easily.
He lurched forwards, not quite at vampire speed, but too fast for me to feel safe. His icy hands seized my shoulders, his mouth going straight for the cut. I know that there was venom in my system, but I was too distracted to feel. I would have to save that delightful experience for another time.
Instead, I was lost in horrifying, but incoherent pictures in my mind. There were flashes that appeared to be blood splatters, sun on mirror veins, bloody reds eyes glowing in the darkness, the glint of light on metal, and torn human flesh. There was also dark brunette hair in Alsea like sunsets, black leather in the high afternoon, a double yellow line speeding by or maybe vice versa, and big eyes flashing from amber to green. The emotions were that of unbelievable pain, fear, hate, horror, guilt, admiration, love, and regret. I heard screams of all different pitches, tones, and levels. So many. The coldness yanked my mind into paralysis then the warmness melted it. There was a nasty feeling of uncontrollability and unwanted desire.
So this was what it was like to be Ben. It was scared beyond coherency, but the sudden searing pain in my shoulder brought me slightly back to earth. It didn't want to stab him and I wasn't going to, even though he had to me to. Instead, I grated the blade along his hands so he reflexively pulled back, gasping at his bloody hand. At the one moment of weakness I dove at him, pushing the vampire to the ground. He thrashed, but the way I had him pinned, he would be staying down for a while, super strength or not.
Quite some times passed with a very apparent power struggle flaring, but at last, he eased back into humanity. His eye color toned down a little and skin warmed under my touch. When I could no longer see my face in the last rays of sunlight that reflected off of his frozen veins, I asked, "Might you want something to drink?"
Ben's faced contorted into a confused frown then he chuckled a little. Through quiet he hoots he exclaimed, "No. I think I had enough for a while. But thanks for the offer. My shirt might be nice though. I'm feeling a little chilly."
I pulled off of him, scrambling backwards, still scared out of my mind, literally. I sat in a little pile in the corner made by the couch and the table while he put his shirt, shoes, and jacket back on. At last he walked over to me and asked, "Did you get enough of my past for now?"
I nodded, not sure that I wanted the vampire, who's memories so clearly displayed his heavy feasting in the past, so close to me. It gave me chills and the sense that I had to stake him. I needed him to explain it all to me though. Then I would do as my friends said to do and cut him out of my life.
"What did it all mean?" I croaked.
"That I possess a history that I look upon in shame and sad remembrance." He seemed a little incredulous. As if he didn't understand how I couldn't understand.
"But how is it that you are so...goodish...now and so not goodish then?"
He frowned. "I have spent a lot of time training myself to fight what I am."
"But how can you live with yourself?" I asked bluntly. "Not to be rude. But I doubt I could."
"Would you believe me if I told you I live my days in fear and hatred of what I am, what I will be, what I originate from?" his voice was exasperated. He was struggling to keep calm.
"I don't know," I muttered, there was no use in trying to keep my perfect English intact any more. I didn't care.
"You should have seen that! Felt it! I let you into my mind! I let you know me, really know me! Only one other slayer's had that happen! You felt it. Now believe it.
"My parents are both vampires. And being a slayer you know that vampires can't reproduce. My existence makes no scientific sense. My parents were traveling across the barren lands of Ukraine about eighteen years ago. They came across an old vampire deprived of blood being attacked by a slayer. He wasn't reborn yet, so he salvageable. They killed the slayer and saved the vampire. In exchange for what they had done, he agreed to give them one wish.
"The idea of a wish giving vampire seems insane, I know. But if a vampire is lucky enough to live for a hundred thousand years, then he is granted a gift, and this vampire was given wish giving.
"My parents thought about it for quite some time, and finally decided they wanted to have a child. A vampire child that would be born, live, and grow. The vampire granted their wish, and nine months later, I was born.
"It's been strange, knowing I have a heartbeat, mortality, and a soul. There are so many advantages to being a living vampire over a dead one. I can walk in the sun without acting like a mirror. My skin is translucent, you have seen that, but it shows only my normal, blood holding veins. I have eyes. Human eyes. I love them so much. To be able to look in a mirror and see my soul through the doors that are called irises is so wonderful. Humans take that ability for granted.
"But I do have a soul. I can't kill a human without paining for it later. Trust me on that. I choose not to kill because I can feel pity for humans and the wrongness of slaughtering them. It helps that I am weaker than real vampires; I don't have as much raw strength to keep me from having a soul. I am weak enough that my body can't keep it out.
"I don't want to be a vampire. If I had the option to be human I would take it faster than you could ever imagine. I want to be able to live like a normal person so much, but it's impossible. I am doomed to be this forever." His voice got really low and he closed his eyes. His human looking teeth that lacked the pointed canines cut into his lip and his hands clenched into fists. When he spoke again, his voice was shaking.
"I want to be human so I can get away from the horror. I can't keep trying over and over again to keep from killing. I know I will lose at some point, no matter what. But it hurts so badly. I want to be human so I don't have to worry about keeping cool and staying at a human speed. I want to be human so I don't have to hold my breath when someone cuts themselves and run from the room. I want to be human so I don't have to worry about breaking everything I touch. I want to be human so I can have reason enough to hate my parents for what they are. I want to be human so I don't have to be here, having this conversation with you, trying to convince you that I would never do anything to hurt you or anyone else in this world. I want to be human so I can be with you, but I can't. I'm not human and I know you won't have me any other way.
"You won't. I know you won't regardless of my choice to not drink blood. I hate myself for what I am. I hate my parents for creating me. I hate that vampire for being in trouble at that time. I hate it that I know I will never be able to make up for all the bad that I have done and still have the possibility of doing." His eyes opened suddenly. His voice got harsh and made me coil backward slightly.
"I don't care if you want to stake me. It would take away my pain. But I warn you now, fire consumes me like it does a human, crosses burn my skin no more than they do yours, and a stake will cut my skin and make me bleed, but my heart already pumps. Use a knife if you want to kill me." His tone dropped again. This time it was no more than a whisper. "I will understand..." he trailed off and I wanted to die.
We sat there for an hour, the sun setting gradually behind me. The carpet of the living room floor got harder and colder and Ben sitting two feet away seemed to grow more and more unfamiliar. I felt like I had no clue who he was. I wanted to kill him, but I never would be able to. I loved him and that would never change. What had happened today had only made that love real, not just the stupid teenage crush it probably had been.
I would let him live but I could never stay with him. No matter how much it hurt me, I had to let go. He wouldn't have to worry about me staking him that way, and I wouldn't have to worry about him slipping up and forcing me to kill him.
"I'm not going to kill you..." I mumbled to words at last. "I'm not going to kill you because you don't deserve it. If you can keep from killing, that's all I need to know to keep from killing you. Also, I love you. You know that better than anyone else. But I can't do this. I can keep from killing you, but I can't be your friend or anything more. I will be your peer and I will past look you when I hunt. But I'm sorry. I just can't..."
"Don't cry," he mumbled, sliding over to me. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and wiped the tears from my eyes. I tried to avoid the thought of the pain I was putting him through, but it hit me over and over like a battering ram.
He was probably as hurt as me, maybe worse! I didn't know. Why was he comforting me? I was breaking up with him, or stopping whatever relationship we had.
I couldn't feel comfort in his arms, only betrayal and being unable to accept. I loved him, I had before, I did now, and I always would, but I had to put that aside. I pained enough already. I pushed away from his arms in an attempt to stop us.
"I'm sorry," I sobbed.
He nodded and got up, pulling me with him. He embraced me one last time, then lowered his face to my short, shoeless level and pressed his lips lightly once against mine. "Don't be. I'm the one who is eternally damned."
He was whispering. I couldn't do this. I pushed away again then ran to my room; sure he would let himself out.