Nadia
After Hannah finished her session with the police (she came out white as a ghost, which kind of worried us all) we decided to chill back at my place.
Mom was cool with it, she even offered to make us dinner but I told her it was fine and to just relax, she's been working her butt off and needed a break.
The mention of work made me think of Sam, since he had been covering for me at my job at the pool. I hadn't even thought of that, I'd have to call the manager in the morning and talk to him about it. Maybe he'll be willing to give me my spot back.
But for right now all I wanted to do was forget my troubles and just be with the people I love the most, wishing Sam could be here too. It hurts to do things without him, but it felt the same way when Dad first passed, it takes time to adjust.
"What's the difference?" I hear Jack ask as I walk into the family room, sporting four medium sized bags of barbecue chips.
"Pepsi is sweeter," Hannah tells him.
"Coke tastes more sugary to me though," Gilinsky adds, grabbing a bag from my arms as I sit down on the floor across from him.
"I'm team Pepsi all the way," I say, throwing a bag to Hannah and Jack, keeping one for myself.
"I knew there was something I liked about you." Gilinsky winks. I roll my eyes at him but can't hide the smile that finds itself tugging at the corner of my lips. He makes me happy, and I'm thankful that he puts up with my shit.
I can't believe I was almost stupid enough to shut him out after what happened to Sam. If anything, that's when I needed him the most. It's not his fault Justin and Nate are literally the spawns of satan.
Thinking of what happened between us last night in his jeep, I feel my face grow hot. I should not be replaying that in my mind right now, especially since Hannah and Jack are here.
"How is everyone?" I blurt, dying to change the subject in my head.
A silence fills the room as everyone stops nibbling on their chips and debating Pepsi vs Coke. Was that the wrong question to ask? Probably, but I needed to say something, and that was the first thing that came to mine.
"Honestly?" Hannah puts in. "Quite shitty."
There's a murmur of agreements, and I find myself wanting to get more into the subject. We haven't all really sat together and talked about what was going on, and I think it's time we did. Maybe that's the kind of closure we all needed.
"I'm quite shitty too," I confess, placing my bag of chips beside me. I'm not really craving a snack anymore.
"I third that," Jack says.
We all turn to Gilinsky, who has his head hung low. I scooch over to him, laying an arm over his shoulders. I hadn't really though about how Gilinsky was feeling, I just brushed it off because I figured since he didn't know Sam, he wouldn't have an opinion on the matter.
That makes me sound like the worst girlfriend ever. All this time I was worrying about Hannah, Jack, and myself, and I didn't bother checking up on Gilinsky. What the hell is wrong with me?
"What's up?" I ask, concern laced within my voice.
"Can I tell you guys something?" He cautions, lifting his head up.
"Of course, man," Jack says, moving closer to us. Hannah follows suit so that we're enclosed in a tight circle.
Gilinsky sighs, letting his eyes close. I figure it's easier for him to open up if he doesn't have to look at us. He's not one to talk about his feelings or anything really that's going on in his life, keeping them mainly to himself. It's taken me forever to even get little bits and pieces out of him, so this is going to be a huge step.
"I lived in New York by myself for a while before Johnson came," he starts. I have no idea where this is going and I can't tell if I should be intrigued or nervous. "I was in a lot of deep shit involving Justin, and I'm sorry for ever putting him in your lives in the first place."
"Wait a minute, G, I -" Jack tries to interrupt.
"Let me finish," Gilinsky pleads.
Jack huffs, but reluctantly agrees.
"I'm sorry for putting you guys through this. I shouldn't have let Johnson come stay with me in New York. That was my first mistake. But the thing is...I was lonely. My dad - uh. He's in jail. And my mom has issues of her own that she's trying to take care of. My sisters have their own lives that don't include me in it. So for a while I was alone, and when Johnson expressed to me that he wanted to live with me for a while, I acted selfishly."
I open my mouth to speak, to tell him...well, I don't really know what I was going to tell him, but I just felt like I need to say something. Hannah places a hand on my arm, silently telling me to keep quiet. I roll my lips together, staring at my boyfriend, wondering how much there is to him that I don't even know. That I want to know.
His eyes are still closed as he continues, "I just wanted someone to talk to, really. I know it sounds stupid, but that's how I think. Anyway, I just..." He drifts off.
"It's okay," I tell him. "Keep going."
"When we were at the station earlier I got to thinking. About Sam, about me, about everyone and everything. He didn't get to live a full life. The kid was only what, nineteen? I'm nineteen - Johnson is nineteen. That's too young to die, ya'know? He didn't even get to graduate from college...he won't get married or have kids. Or see what he could've been...I don't want to end up like that."
Tears fall mercilessly down my cheeks as I lean into Gilinsky. I have no idea where all of this was coming from, and as much as it hurts, he's saying what we're all thinking. What we're all afraid to say out loud.
"That's why, uh. I don't know. I was thinking about maybe going to college. And Johnson, I know you were at college before you came to New York, so I was thinking you could go back? And Nadia, Hannah. You guys just graduated from high school. We all have these incredible lives we can lead, and I figured since Sam can't do that for himself, we should do it for him. I don't know if that makes sense..."
My stomach clenches at his words. I'm now holding back a sob. God, I miss Sam so much, and having Gilinsky relay all of this to us makes it even more real. Sure, I thought about all this when he first passed, but I never really dwelled on it, not wanting to work myself up.
"I'm sorry if I said something wrong...that's just how I feel and I really needed to get it off my chest," Gilinsky finishes, finally opening his eyes.
He looks around the room and clenches his jaw. I follow his gaze, seeing that both Johnson and Hannah have tears in their eyes. This kid really got to us. For some reason, instead of releasing the sob I was holding back, I laugh.
All eyes turn to me, and I laugh even louder. I unwrap my arm from Gilinsky's shoulder and place a hand over my mouth, attempting to control myself, but it's no use. "I'm sorry!" I gasp, digging my forehead into Gilinsky's arm.
That's when more laughing starts, not just from me, but from everyone else too. We're all laying on the family room floor laughing our asses off, and I have no idea why, but it feels good. It feels good to have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard instead of tears in my eyes from crying so hard.
"I love you," Gilinsky chuckles, pressing his lips to mine. I giggle into the kiss, wrapping my arms around him.
"Hey!" My brother protests. His laughing dwindles down. I break apart from the boy I love and let one last laugh out before being done.
"Don't be jealous," I tell him, grinning from ear to ear. Gilinsky just said he loves me!
"Yeah, too bad you fucked up, because if not you could be kissing me right now," Hannah teases.
"I'll kiss you anyway," Jack challenges, tilting toward my best friend.
"Ew!" She squeals, pushing him away. "I hate you," she jokes, shaking her head.
Jack shrugs, a smirk on his face. Things almost feel back to normal. I can't remember the last time I was actually able to say that.
"So. College," I hint, getting up from the floor. "It's research time."
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:))) hey guys! thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed that. sorry for the short chapter, but I didn't want to keep rambling on and on when I had everything that I wanted already written.
It's getting close to the end of the book, I'm not sure how many chapters are left but only a few, so get prepared haha.
feel free to comment and vote if you'd like, I always appreciate feedback,
chapter 61 coming soon!!
- gilinskyshigh