Chapter Sixty One - Why Do You Love Me?
- Madeline's POV -
"Mads, I love you."
My eyes jerk away from the view outside and immediately go over to Martin. My mouth parts open slightly and I feel my breath being taken away. Simultaneously, I feel a lump forming in my throat and I blink a few times, trying to grasp what he had just said.
Is this real? I have never been been shocked many times in my life, but this, has taken all of my words from me. I'm shocked still in my seat, my eyes roaming over Martin desperately trying to read him. He licks his lips, his expression emotionless.
My emotions have stirred back up and none of my previously 'shocked' moments have been to this extent. Deep down, I feel myself squealing, happiness taking over my body, but even deeper, resides the resentment I have towards him. I know I can't forgive him as easily as I want to, but I slowly feel myself being unravelled by him.
My mouth closes and I glance away from him for a second, closing my eyes, trying to rest my mind.
A hear the slightest noise of laughter ever, "You gonna say anything?" I can tell Martin is trying to be humorous, but I know it's killing him I haven't said anything.
"I don't know what to say," I respond quickly, having to clear my dry throat. When I look back over to him, a pained look comes across in his eyes. I know I love him too, I just cannot say it right now. I feel like it's too early. "Why?" I ask, my voice cracking.
His eyebrows furrow deeply, confusion settling across his flaw-free features, "Why what?" he asks and I feel my nerves heighten up. I feel as nervous as I was the first time he kissed me. The only thing is, I don't know why.
"Why do you love me?" I ask, not being able to get ahold of his words. It just seems unreal that he would say that. Do not get me wrong, I feel so giddy and happy, but it doesn't seem like Martin.
His face softens and he smirks slightly, glancing down at the table, "Beats the shit out of me," he chuckles a little, "But I do," his eyes meet mine and they're back to how they normally are; glimmering and playful. There's the Martin I know and love.
"Well, I definitely wasn't expecting this today," I say, running a hand through my hair, giving him the slightest smile. I know it's bothering him that I haven't told him what he wants to hear. I can't give in that easily though.
"I just had to get that off of my chest," he says, sitting back in his chair, "I couldn't leave without saying that first," he says whilst shaking his head a little.
"You're leaving?" I ask, my face dropping and going slightly pale. My tone comes off more panicked than I wanted to, but I can't change that now.
"Not yet, I still have a few more days here," he says and exhale deeply, feeling myself loosen up. I thought he was going to leave me again. "I'd just assumed you'd want me out of here sooner than later," he adds, our gaze intense.
I shake my head desperately, "No," I say quickly, wishing I had thought my process over more. Great, I probably sound like a crazy person.
I watch as his adam's-apple bobs up and down, his brows furrowing just the slightest. "Why haven't you said it back?" his tone is slow and hesitant, as if he is scared of my answer. I should have know he would have mentioned this.
I look down at my lap, intertwining my hands together, "I need some time," I breathe out, my own voice hesitant and unsure. I look fully back to him, giving him a small smile, "Besides, I still have a few days, don't know?" I say, trying to lighten the mood in between us.
Martin smiles with a short laugh, "Yeah.. I guess," he mutters underneath his breath, "Well, I don't want to keep you from doing school things so I should go," he adds, coughing uncomfortably.
"Wait, are you sure?" I stop him, trying to ignore the thought that I have either a) saddened him or b) angered him. Mostly likely the second choice. "I don't have anything else planned for the day," I say, wanting to ask him to go somewhere with me, but I don't know if I should.
"No, it's okay," he shakes his head, "I'll see you around, okay?" he raises his eyebrows to me before he starts to scoot out his chair.
"Okay," I breathe out, nodding with a short smile, "Bye," I smile a little wider, feeling my heart breaking slightly. Is he leaving because of me? I don't want him to be mad at me.
He gives me a short, smug smile before he leaves the small table off the cafe. Trying to hold onto whatever sanity I have, I turn around in my seat quickly, calling out his name.
"Wait," I say quickly, biting my lip hesitantly. Martin looks confused but he raises his eyebrows, waiting for me to say something. "Do you really mean that?" I ask, referring to his three-word statement.
I see his eyes narrow before he chuckles some, "Every damn word," he smirks.
"Can I at least get your phone number?" I ask quickly before he can get the chance to walk away.
He smirks again, licking his lips, "You should have it," he says simply before turning away, continuing to leave.
I give him a confused look. What the hell does that mean? He is bullshitting me even though I told him I'm done with his bullshit. Bastard.
I rest back in my seat, trying so hard to fight the smile growing on my face. I love Martin. I love him with every fiber of myself and I haven't stopped, even after he left me. Like I said, it's hard for the in-control part of me to forgive him. He didn't really explain the situation, he just stated out much he was hurt and the revelations he had. After hearing him, I know he did what he thought was best for me, it still hurt me though.
I feel like all of this could have been avoided if he had not had freaked out in the first place. He never let me speak or anything. There was a part of me that was holding onto the anger and resentment I had against him. That had built over the past month over him leaving me. My anger though was slowly being replaced with sadness, along with some forgiveness.
I forgive him for being misguided. I forgive him for trying to get his shit together. And I'm trying forgive him for leaving me. I mean, goodness, he remembered when I would be in England and he came here to find me, to tell me he loved me. If that doesn't deserve some credit and forgiveness, then I don't know what will.
Martin is a broken person. I may have not have known him for years, but I have known him enough to understand him. Sure, he has done some things that I don't agree with, but I've always seen the best of him. It's not fair to me to judge him when I am in love with him; he gets judged enough.
There is honestly no one, besides my parents, that I love more than Martin. I'm not sure about him, but at least I know he does love me. The thought of Martin telling someone else that he loves them, churns my stomach.
The thought of Martin being with another girl in the time we were apart, makes me sick to my stomach. I would think he wouldn't do that to me, especially when he said he could not stop thinking about me. I know he doesn't trust me as much as he used to and I don't trust him as much as I used too. That's the main thing that I need from him to make this work; trust.
*
Somehow, Catherine convinced me to go to a late dinner with her and Chase. Me being me, I said yes because it's so hard for me to say no. I know I practically volunteered to be the third wheel, but I wasn't feeling staying in my hotel all night long.
After my talk with Martin earlier today, his words were like a broken record on repeat in my head. I love you. I concluded going out with Catherine for awhile would get my mind off of him. I hadn't spoken or communicated with him since, but like I told him, I need time.
Once I get to the place Catherine texted me to go to, I know I have to shake Martin out of my head. So that's what I do. It's a pizza place just down from our hotels. I Googled reviews about it and a lot of people have said it was good, so I'm pretty excited. When I enter this restaurant, it smells of strong basil and tomatoes. My mouth waters instantly. I haven't eaten anything since this morning.
I glance around the restaurant quickly, smiling at the workers who have greeted me. Suddenly, I spot a dark head of hair and a tall man, knowing who it is immediately. I walk over to their table and Catherine smiles widely when she sees me.
"Hey," she says as I sit down, giving me the shortest side hug.
"Hi," I tell her, turning to Chase, "Hey Chase," I smile to him and I can see why Catherine likes him so much. He's gorgeous to say the least. Plus, he has the most clear accent out of everyone we have met so far.
He smiles to me in return, "How are you feeling after the other night?" he asks me, his eyebrows furrowing.
I nod slowly, grabbing a menu that sits in the middle of the table, "Much better, thank you," I tell him genuinely, even though I was lying about me 'not feeling well'. My lying skills have improved so much it even amazes me.
"Oh Mads, before we leave, I have to take you to that place I ate at for lunch today," Catherine smiles, raising her eyebrows at me, "Maybe we can finally talk about our daddy situations," she laughs slightly and I join in with her.
"I'm down for that one-hundred percent," I laugh again, glancing back down to the menu. I have never met anyone outside of my town who is also a preacher's daughter. I finally feel like I have someone to talk to who understands what I have had to go through my whole life.
"Whoa what? Daddy situations?" Chase asks with wide eyes. I can't hold back my loud laugh and I cover my mouth in embarrassment.
"God you idiot," Catherine rolls her eyes, giggling to herself, "Both of ours dad's are preachers," she explains and a look of Chase's own embarrassment flashes across his face.
"Well I'm fucking stupid," he mutters, shaking his head slightly, "Wait, you're a preacher's daughter?" he asks Catherine, his eyes glance to me for a split second.
"Yup," Catherine answers simply, giving him a playful smile.
"But," he pauses, leaning over towards Catherine more, "You were so fucking good in bed-"
"Okay," I interrupt them a little too loudly and Catherine chuckles loudly, shaking her head a little as she pushes Chase away from her. He smirks widely to her before looking back to me. "I think we should order now," I suggest, not wanting to hear about their sex-capades.
They both agree with me and we end up getting two pizzas; one cheese and one with all sorts of vegetable toppings. We all begin to talk about random things, from Oxford to Chase wanting to know more about America. Believe it or not, he has never been there and he is almost twenty-two. He also tells us more information about Landon and his friends. The one thing that stuck to me is that when they get drunk, they get drunk.
"I'm gonna use the restroom before our food comes," he smiles, taking one last swig of his beer. Catherine and I nod with small smiles, sending him off.
"I like him, he's nice," I turn to her and she has a smile on her face that you can tell is pure happiness.
"I'm going to marry him," she says, glancing over to me. I laugh to myself, licking my lips. Suddenly, her smile begins to fall before she looks down at the table for a moment, "So.. how was lunch with Martin?" she then asks which takes me by surprise for a second.
"W-what are you talking about?" I ask, not meaning to stutter over my words. She rolls her eyes before slightly huffing to herself.
"Come on Mads, I know you went to lunch with him," she smirks, "Who else would you have gone with?" she says raising her brows and I groan to myself, knowing she is right.
"It was.." I pause, trying to find the right word. Good? Depressing? "Interesting," I finally answer. Yeah, that's what it was.
"What did you guys talk about?" she asks curiously, biting her straw a little.
I glance away from her, taking in a deep breath, "You know, random things," I make something up quickly and she gives me a pointed look. She scoots her drink away from her, setting her arms on the table.
"Oh come on Mads," she says with a slight attitude, "You're telling me, that you're former flame came all the way here from Amsterdam to find you and you talked about 'random things'?" she says and now I know she didn't believe a word I said.
"I mean, it's complicated okay," I shrug my shoulders, feeling slightly guilty that he told me he loved me and now here I sit, trying to say it was 'random things'. God, Catherine is smart.
"You have to give him some credit for coming here to find you," she says, licking her lips quickly.
"Yeah, I guess I do," I mutter, stirring my drink with my straw aimlessly, "He basically told me he was sorry, for what happened to us," I sum up, minus the declaration of love, but I can leave that out for now.
"He seems nice too," says leaning on her elbows more, "Maybe you should give him another shot?" she suggests and I give her a smug smile. Before I can say anything else, Chase comes back and soon after, our food arrives looking as delicious as ever. I feel like Martin would like this place.
I start with only one piece, even though I know I will probably end up eating around three. All of us begin to start chatting again and I have a feeling that Catherine still isn't finished talking about Martin with me. She's definitely curious about our 'relationship', that's for damn sure.
"So, Landon texted me a few minutes ago," Chase starts, finishing his first piece of pizza.
"You text with your dick out in the bathroom?" Catherine says with a disgusted tone and my mouth falls open, a short chuckle emitting from my lips and I bite my lip trying to hold it in.
"Yes, Catherine, I do," he says bluntly and I notice him trying to fight a laugh. "Anyways.. he reminded me about this fancy get together thing they do every year for the new students," he says and I listen in closely.
"What is it, exactly?" I ask with curiosity, wiping the sides of my mouth, feeling like their was pizza sauce there.
He shrugs lazily, "It's something the head council holds, mainly for everyone new to get to know each other," he explains and I nod, looking at Catherine.
"Sounds boring," she says bluntly before looking down at her pizza, shoving it into her mouth.
"I've only been to one before and it was pretty boring," Chase exhales heavily, "But it's not going to be since you're going to go with me," he raises his eyebrows at her and I smile to myself. They are so into each other, it's unbelievable.
Catherine looks up from her food, fighting a smile, "I mean, if I have to," she says sarcastically.
"Well that was a quick change of mood," I comment, giggling at her full mouth of pizza.
"Maybe I can get laid again," she shrugs continuing to chew her food. Chase and I look at each other simultaneously, rolling our eyes.
"Looks like you've got your hands full for now," I tell him and he runs a hand through his hair.
"No shit," his eyes turn back to her, them lighting up in admiration. I watch as they glimmer with happiness and I don't think I have ever been looked at like that before.
I look away from them, thinking back to Martin. I love you. I have so much going on, I can barely keep up. I know I have to tell him sooner than later because he'll go away again. And deep down, I know I do not want that again.
"Now Mads just needs a date," Chase interrupts my reverie and my face contorts in slight pain when I suddenly feel a foot being stomped on my, under the table. I glare at Catherine and she just smiles to me. I know exactly what she is thinking.
"When is it?" I ask, trying to ignore the devilish smile coming from my left.
"Friday," he answers simply. Okay, so two days from now. Doesn't sound too bad considering I missed out on the last time.
"I'll go," I tell him, still sensing Catherine's intense brown eyes on me. "I'll manage to find a date, don't worry," I turn back to Catherine, giving her an equally brutish smile.
"Oh and uh, it's fancy too, so don't forget to wear heels," Chase smirks slightly as he takes a swig of his new beer. I know that was meant towards Catherine, but her eyes are glued on me, making me slightly uncomfortable.
"Oh she won't," she smirks to me before looking back to Chase with a smile. I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes out of my head. Damn you Catherine and damn you Martin for putting me in this situation. Now I know for a fact she is not going to let me ask anyone else. But hey, I guess it does give me time? Right?
*
I spend the rest of the night debating whether or not I should ask Martin to come to that party with me. Deep down, I know he would probably appreciate it and we could spend time together without being completely alone. I feel frustrated from where I don't know what to do.
I don't want to sound too desperate and immediately invite him somewhere when I told him I needed time - which I really do. I know I love him, but I need his trust to go on, if that is what he wants. I know that I'll have to give him an answer sooner or later.
My mind argues with itself at what to do. I guess taking him to the party, us having a couple of drinks, would help release the tension between us two. One thing I know for sure is, I love him with every part of me, but I'm not sure if I can trust him anymore. He has to prove it to me. He has to prove that he wants it just as bad as I do.
As I flip through random TV channels on the television, I faintly hear the ringing of my phone. I scramble off of the comfortable bed and find it laying on the one chair that sits in the room. When I see the caller ID, I don't hesitate to answer in seconds.
"Dad!" I say with smile, completely forgetting we had spoken earlier today.
"Hey sweetie," he says from the other line. It's almost eleven here, so he probably just got finished eating dinner. "How was your day?" he asks and I yawn widely before opening my mouth to answer him.
"It was good, a long day though.." I trail off, biting my lip nervously, "So.. how's mom doing?" I ask hesitantly. Have you ever been in the situation where you want to know how something is going, but at the same you don't because you don't know if you can handle it?
I hear my father take in a deep breath, "Her surgery went well," he says and I let out a sigh of relief, "She has to stay at the hospital tonight for them to manage her vitals, but she should definitely be home before you come back," he adds and I silently thank God.
"Oh thank God," I say, "Tell her I said hey, whenever you can," I say with a small smile. I feel so much relief come over my body and I thank God again for having one less thing to worry about on my mind. Now, the only other thing that lingers in my mind is that devil with green eyes.
For the next fifteen minutes or so, my father and I talk about random things. He says he misses me and he even apologized again for acting the way he did about me coming here. I miss him too, but it's not like a longing miss. I don't miss being there, bored out of my mind. I don't miss being told what to do every second of the damn day. And I don't miss my father bearing down my back, but I still love him and miss him to an extent.
"Hey, um I think I'm going to try and go to bed, it's getting late over here," I say, glancing at the clock which now reads 11:28 P.M.
"Okay Madeline," he says, sounding content, "I'll try and call you again tomorrow. I'll see if mom can talk to you as well," he says and I smile a little, hugging one of my pillows, getting comfortable.
"Thanks dad, love you," I say quickly and I hear him say it back before I hang up the phone. I rest it on an open spot near my head and let out another yawn.
I stare at my phone for a second, fighting the urge not to just throw it across the room from my thoughts. You should have it. Ugh, Martin what does that mean?! Betraying myself, I reach my hands up and grab my phone again. I open it and go to my contacts, scrolling down. I feel my breathing hitch when I see the simple name; Martin G.
I stare at my phone wide-eyed. Okay, what in the actual hell Martin? I vividly remember never getting his number and him offering me his number? I guess there is only one way to find out.. my subconscious says evilly.
My fingernails tap on the back at a rapid pace, unsure if I should text the number or not. What do I say though? I debate in my mind for what seems like minutes before I finally feel my eyes starting to close from my exhaustion.
Hurry up dimwit, my bitch of a subconscious says and I roll my eyes, going to my messages. I type in his name before my thumbs hover over the keyboard, trying to think of something to say.
Madeline: If this really is Martin, I have to ask you something.
I type the first thing that comes into my head lazily. I press send and shut my eyes, closing my phone off. That probably sounded so idiotic, but I can't change it now.
You are an idiot, she scolds me, shaking her head at me.
"And you are a bitch," I mutter into my pillow before all I see is the blackness of sleep.
______
A/N Hey guys! Yay for quick updates :)) The next chapter is almost done, so that should be coming soon and also, so far it's going to be very long. And something is going to happen that you all have been waiting a long time for haha. Anyways, what did you guys think about this chapter? It's kind of a filler, but it's decent lol. What do you think Mads should do about the situation? She is very confused if you can't tell. And Martin.. tell me your thoughts on him :) So, this is all for today and it's Christmas Eve Eve Eve :)) Thanks for reading <3
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P.S A few of you said you were excited for my new book, but I'm only going to tell you the title.. My new book is called Haunted! But it's not coming anytime soon haha ;)