Chapter Fifty Five - What is Her Name?
- Martin's POV -
My eyes flutter open at the brightness of the sun and from the sweet smell coming from another room. I groan as the light clashes with my open eyes, causing a short headache to emerge. I rub my temples slightly, my vision focussing more clearly.
It's the fifth night I've stay with Nora. Her extra bedroom has become more of a home to me than my actual one. A bitter taste resides in my mouth and I know exactly what it's from. I'm more than exhausted and even all of the alcohol can't numb what I'm feeling mentally.
I manage to sit up and look through my phone, although nothing or nobody has amused me enough to want to respond to them. I force myself to get up from the bed and I don't bother to put on a shirt as I walk out of the room.
From the hallway, I can see Nora is cooking breakfast. My mouth waters, but I'm not sure if my stomach could handle everything she seems to be cooking.
Her blonde hair is thrown up and her eyes catch mine immediately when I walk completely into sight, "Good morning," she smiles slightly, hesitation in her tone.
"Morning," I reply lazily, my voice unsteady and weak. I take a seat at one of her barstools and continue to watch her cook. Suddenly, she slides me over a glass of water and I take it graciously.
"Did you sleep okay?" she then asks, her eyes guilty of worry. I haven't said one word about what happened. And I really don't want to anytime soon... or anytime. I need to forget.
"Mhm," I mutter, now having to push thoughts of her out of my mind. Every time I close my eyes, I see her deep brown ones staring back into mine. However, they aren't warm and inviting; to me, the look cold and all I see is betrayal.
"You hungry?" she asks as she clicks off the stove. I can sense that she is uncomfortable and is forcing her happiness, but I try to ignore it. I know she is worried, but I don't feel like talking about it.
"Yeah," I say, trying to lighten up my mood, so she thinks I'm not feeling as shitty as I really am. Nora grabs two plates and prepares them with her favorite food; pancakes. She's loved them for as long as I can remember. I've been around her when she has made pancakes for dinner before.
In her normal Nora fashion, she makes them look pretty with fresh fruit on them. She hands me the plate over the counter and I thank her quickly. She carries her plate around the small kitchen and sits beside of me on the other barstool.
I eat the delicious food quietly and I can sense her eyes on me. Nora has that natural 'mother instinct'. She can always tell when something is wrong. Especially when I've been acting strange ever since I got back from that hellhole.
"Martijn," she says in a calm voice. Naturally, I look at her, but I don't say anything. "What's going on with you?" she asks, her brows furrowing in confusion.
I glance away from her, taking in a deep breath, "Nothing, "I shrug, "I'm fine," I mutter, taking another bite of my food. From the corners of my eyes, I see her own eyes roll.
"Stop lying Martijn," she says quickly, "I know you and you haven't acted like this since that damn accident," she adds, almost in an angry tone.
I give her a cold look, a little anger now building inside of me, "I told you, I'm fine," I say again, turning completely away from her.
"I don't understand why you're acting like this," she says, "You and I both know that keeping your mouth shut isn't going to help whatever you're going through," she says rapidly and my jaw clenches a little.
"What I'm going through," I give her a short glance, "Isn't your damn business," I spit, not feeling so easy on my stomach anymore.
"It is too my damn business when you're staying in my apartment," her voice raises slightly and I feel frustrated because I know she is right. The fact that I haven't been up so long also puts me in a bad mood.
"I don't want to talk about it," I mutter in a more so calm tone, looking straight ahead aimlessly.
"Just because you don't want to, doesn't mean you shouldn't," she retorts and I have to keep myself from groaning. Nora is one of those people who believes talking about situations make them better. I say that's bullshit.
I roll my eyes, grunting underneath my breath, "Easy for you to say," I mumble, chew on the inside of my cheek.
"Martijn," she says harshly, catching my attention, "I don't feel comfortable with you staying in my house, drinking, and knowing something is wrong with you," she stops, her tone unsteady. My brows furrow and I can tell she is worried more than ever. It makes me feel guilty. "I mean, it's almost been a week," she adds and I feel my throat drying up.
I take in a deep breath, staring down at my cracked knuckles, which have only now started to heal from a few days ago. I clear my throat, trying to think of something to say, "It's stupid okay," I shake my head, "I shouldn't be letting it bothering me as much as it is," I say, not bothering to look at Nora.
"I just don't understand," she starts, "You're usually a dense rock that no one can get through," she says and I crack the tiniest smile ever. I never figured out who was more stubborn, me or her.
"That's what I've thought too," I say, letting out an exhausted sigh. I grab the glass of water, feeling slightly sick to my stomach again. Damn tequila.
"Martijn please just tell me," she begs, "It'll be good for you and I'll give you some advice," she smiles a little and I return it, tempted by her offer. She does give good advice - I just don't know if I want to listen to her this time.
I sit in silence, thinking this through. Sure, Nora may tell me some good advice, but it won't fix what she did to me. Just the image of her face makes me nauseated. I don't think I have ever been betrayed like that. I don't care if we weren't in a relationship - it felt like shit when I heard the words come out of her mouth. Goddammit, I can't help but think that Nora is right though. It worked last time with the accident, who says it won't work now.
I open my mouth reluctantly, "Remember the last time I was here, you asked me if I had met someone?" I say in a low tone, turning my head to her.
Her eyes widen slightly and her mouth turns into a devilish grin, "I knew it," her eyes narrow and I can't help but chuckle at her a little.
"Well," I start, unsure of where I should begin, "This.. girl was like no other girl I've known, she reminded me of you a lot because you two are so selfless," I say and Nora is already so deep into what I'm saying.
"What is her name?" she asks curiously, not paying anymore attention to her food.
"Madeline," I answer quietly, "But everyone called her Mads," I shrug, trying to push her image out of my thoughts. I take in a deep breath, trying to steady myself because if I don't, her and that fucker Jayce come to mind.
"She sounds like a harmless person," Nora's eyebrows furrow and she chews her bottom lip nervously.
I glance away from her, shrugging my shoulders lazily, "We had a few fights and I'll admit I was an ass to her multiple times," I say, still unsure of where I'm going with this story. "She always listened to me though.. she cared about me and only fuck knows why, but I cared about her too," I let out a deep breath, licking my dry lips.
"Did you tell her about the accident?" she asks, her blue eyes staring deep into mine.
I nod my head slowly, "I've told her everything I've told you," my mouth purses into a line.
"Damn," Nora says under her breath and I smile a little. "You're obviously not telling me where this went wrong," she says overtly.
My smile fades and I shake my head a little, "I trusted her with everything and then, I had told her a few things and she threw it all back in my face," my jaw clenches when I think about it. Fuck.
"What did she do?" her tone is low and inquisitive.
"She made a mistake," I answer simply, not wanting to relive anymore details, "It doesn't make up for the fact that she betrayed me like that," I add quickly.
"What did you do after that?" Nora clears her throat and I can sense that she is a little confused, but she is ignoring it.
"I told her I never wanted to see her again," I say bluntly, my own voice unsure and unsteady. She tilts her head to the side, her eyebrows furrowing again. She stays silent for a moment or two before she opens her mouth.
"Are you sure you meant that?" she asks and I give her an odd expression, kind of taken aback that she would have asked that. That's the last thing I expected her to ask me.
My face is blank and I swallow trying to coat my dry throat, "Honestly, no," I shake my head, "But I don't know if I can look at her ever again," I comment.
"Did she apologize?" Nora sounds more curious than ever, but I don't know how to be completely honest with her about this situation. Since it doesn't involve her, my mind doesn't want to completely give in to her yet.
"Yeah," I say dryly, remembering the desperate tone of Mads's voice. It sends chills down my spine, but I shove her away, once again.
Nora doesn't say anything immediately. Instead, she sits there, her eyes boring into my own. She purses her lips, licking them in the process as if she is thinking hard about something. She takes in a deep breath, a sigh leaving her lips.
"I may sound crazy when I say this but," she clears her throat, "You said you cared about her and she seemed to care a lot about you as well," her eyebrows furrow slightly and my eyes narrow, wondering where she is going with this.
"What are you on about?" I reply quickly, my tone dripping in confusion.
"All I'm saying is, if she managed to help with your mistakes, I don't understand why you couldn't do the same to her," her voice is quiet but questionable.
"It's not that easy Nora," I spat to her rapidly. I'm sick of people telling me things that are easier said than done; it's driving me nuts.
"You're the only person making it hard," she says rhetorically, sounding confident with her words, "The way you described her, I highly doubt that she doesn't care about you anymore," her attitude calms down, but her seriousness is still there.
"I don't give a shit about that," I spit quickly, feeling slightly irritated that I'm letting her get under my skin like this. "I sound like a fucking prude, but she hurt me," the words slip from my mouth without me even thinking.
I turn my head away from her when I see a suspicious look grow on her face. I find that Nora can be comforting, but damn can she be annoying and nosy.
"Martijn," she speaks softly, "People make mistakes. You've made mistakes, I've made mistakes, but that doesn't mean you throw someone away over them," from the corner of my eye, I see her head shaking and I find it odd that she is defending Mads, even though they don't know each other. Or maybe I'm overthinking it.
"So what do you want me to do now?" I fire back, anger settling in when I take her words - that are of course, right. Maybe I shouldn't have been such an asshole to her about it, goddammit. "There's nothing I can do anymore, she's gone," I say defeatedly, a now distance presence in my tone.
A small smile forms on her face, "Don't get pissed when I say this but," she starts which gets my full attention again, "It sounds like your in love with this girl," she says and I feel my face turn a slightly pale as it drops.
There is that word again; love. I close my eyes for a second, thinking back to when those three words came from Mads's mouth. It was the most amazing, yet terrifying thing I've ever heard her tell me. Admit it, you're a coward who is running from the truth, my subconscious spits at me and my jaw clenches.
Love. I don't even know exactly what love means to me, but I do have an idea with what I'm looking for. But like I said, she's gone. I've never been the relationship type, more so a one-night stand type of guy. No feelings involved with that.
"I can't do anything else now Nora," I shrug, ignoring her previous statement because personally, I need to situate myself on that subject before I speak about it, especially to Nora.
"You can listen, just like she did with you," she suggests with a small shrug, a smile present in her tone. I give her an odd look before the slightest smirk ever appears on my face.
"I think need more time," I answer simply, my mind trying to immediately conjure up ways the be able to see her again.
"No one said you had to rush," she smiles before she slides herself off of the barstool, grabbing mine and her plates in the process. My eyes follow her as she walks to the other side into the kitchen. "Just think about it," she adds before she starts to clean up around the area.
"I will," I say more so to myself than to her. If anything, this conversation has taught me that I should definitely think before I speak; especially when I'm pissed. Nora is right. I should have listened to her, just like she listened to me all those times. After all, I was a total asshole to her multiple times, maybe that was my karma.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think the one thing Nora is correct on completely, is that the possibility of me being in love with Mads, is very high. I guess it took more than Mads saying it herself for me to realize it. I know that have to at least fix some of the mess I made, but I still need some time.
Time for myself. If there is one thing I need to fix most, it's my fucking self.
*
It's almost 6 P.M., and of course, my mother wanted me home. Trust me, I've wanted to go home too, I just haven't found the mental strength in me to face my father. My hatred for him is at a level I don't think anyone could reach.
I try my best to ignore thoughts of him and focus on my sister and mother. There needs to be more kind and gentle people like them in this damn world. They're simple and I'm a person who likes simplicity; even though it may not seem that way, I do.
I feel like that's one quality that drew me into Mads. She was simple and full of genuineness. I guess she reminded me of the very few good people I have in my life. Fuck up, my subconscious spits.
Fuck off, I spit back mentally. Before I realize it, Nora has pulled into my childhood neighborhood. Even though I know my father will be home, I find myself hoping he won't be. I have always had the urge to move out, I just never have because I don't want to leave my mother and sister there alone with him.
Nora parks her car and we get out at the same time. When we reach the door, I only have to knock once before I see my sister's face staring up at me.
"Hi," she smiles a little, her tone slightly shaky. I furrow my eyebrows, noticing something seems off about her. Nora greets her before I do and I let her walk in first. When I came back, I stayed here for one night and I couldn't take it, so that's why I went to Nora's.
I smell food and her dishes cluttering together in the kitchen, signaling my mother is working hard on dinner. The first thing I notice when I walk through the living room, is that my father is nowhere in sight. Nora and Laura sit down on the couch and begin to talk about stuff I probably don't care about. So, I find my way to the kitchen, still no sight of my father.
My mother sees me from the corner's of her eyes and she smiles widely.
"Martijn," she steps away from the stove and walks over to me, wrapping her arms around me. I return her hug graciously, also noticing something different in her tone.
"Hey Ma," I smile when she steps away from me to retreat back to her food, "Where's Pa?" I ask the most obvious question every and I watch as my mother's movements stop short.
She glances up for a second before looking back down at the pot, taking in a deep breath, "He went out," she answers in a quiet tone, not bothering to make eye contact.
"Oh," I mumble confusingly, wondering why he would go 'out' at this time. Especially when it's almost time for dinner and it's a Monday.
"Is Nora here?" she asks in a more normal tone of hers and I nod quickly.
"Yeah," I say, watching her every move. Something is wrong, I can tell just by instinct.
"Go watch the television or something, dinner is almost ready," she shoos me away with the same shakiness Laura had to her voice. I don't question her, but I do give her an odd look, but I don't think she noticed.
I make my way back into my living room, finding Laura and Nora talking in shushed voices. I sit down on one of the other chairs in the living room, barely able to hear the both of them. Feeling too suspicious about their behavior, I turn to Laura who's eyes meet mine instantly. From the way her eyes look, she knows I suspect something,
"Where's Pa?" I ask her quietly, not wanting our mother to hear us from the kitchen.
A whitewashed looked comes across her face and I glance at Nora, wondering if Laura has told her anything.
"We haven't seen him since last Friday, after you left," she says, her voice dry and monotonous.
"What are you talking about?" I spit back quickly, trying to comprehend if I heard her right. The look on Nora's face gives away Laura has already told her, but she still seems in shock herself. "Are you saying he fucking left you two here by yourself?" I ask as everything sinks in, anger boiling underneath my skin.
"Please don't say anything, it'll upset Ma," she says in a whispered tone, her light green eyes, like mine, have a pleading look to them.
"Are you crazy?!" I say in a loud whisper, "This is fucking bullshit!" my tone raises dramatically and I stand up from the chair.
"Martijn," Nora speaks now but I ignore her as I walk back into the kitchen, now furious over this whole situation.
Why the hell would he do that? He is just a goddamn coward. And he says I'm the disgrace and disrespectful one? I think he should look in the mirror.
"What the hell happened with you and that prick?" I say immediately as I make contact with her in the kitchen. My mother jumps in her place whatever was in her hands hits the floor with a loud crash. She looks up at me wide eyed and I now see more clearly that her eyes are sunken in, darkness rimming the edges.
"Martijn!" she scolds in a harsh tone as she picks up what she dropped, "What is wrong with you?" she asks turning away from me. I notice her hands shaking a little.
"Why did he leave you and Laura here by yourself?!" I yell, feeling so angry with my fuckup of a father, I could kill someone. My mother swallows nervously before she turns to me slowly, her eyes carrying worry and stress.
"Martijn it's not anything you need to worry about-"
"The hell it is!" I interrupt her, "You're my mother, of course I'm going to worry! What the fuck did he do to you?" I bellow, my face going red from raising my voice. I don't care that I'm yelling either, my mother should be angry too - not sitting here like nothing is wrong.
She closes her eyes for a moment, taking in a shaky breath, "He.. got angry when you left," she says quietly, "I tried to calm him down but he was too relentless... and he left, Martijn seriously, it's okay-"
"Listen to yourself Ma!" I retort, "Have you called him?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows.
My mother rubs her head as if it's hurting before she lets out a deep sigh, "He hasn't answered any calls. Just let this blow over, it's going to be okay," she says in a reassuring tone but I know it is to reassure herself, not me.
"That fucker is going to get it," I mutter, completely ignoring her statements, before turning on my heels.
"Martijn, stop!" my mother's voice raises but I don't do as she says. I walk into the living room and see Laura and Nora both staring at me with worried looks.
Nora stands up from the couch and quickly walks over to me, "Martijn, she said stop. Just let them deal with it-"
"Give me your keys," I interrupt her, my jaw clenching angrily. Nora rolls her eyes at me before shaking her head.
"No, you need to stay here," she says trying to stay as calm as possible.
"I don't need to listen to you, give me, your fucking keys Nora," I say through my gritted teeth, trying not to lose my patience on her. Her small frame compared to mine doesn't seem too intimidated, but I can tell she is nervous. From what she has heard this morning to now, her day has probably not been ideal.
"Don't do anything stupid," she mumbles with a pointed glare and she hands me the keys to her car. I don't bother to say thank you as I push past her, going out through the front door.
I cannot believe my fucking father. He has to be the biggest idiot I have ever known in my whole life. He left his own wife and daughter without a damn reason. He better hope to whoever that I do not find him because if I do, I don't know if I can do as Nora said and not do anything stupid.
______
A/N Hi everyone! Firstly, I wanted to say this is later than I wanted it to be, but I didn't want an awkward update in the middle of the week to throw off my schedule. Did you guys miss Martin and his charm? Ahh, I cannot wait for the upcoming chapters, they're going to be so good haha. Tell me everything you feel about this chapter because there is a lot going on... Also, thanks for the lovely comments on the last chapter! Okay, this is very long so I'm going to stop, but I hope everyone has a lovely weekend :) xx
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