I was still at work and it was late in the night, I was drained and tired but in a work kind of way. I wasn't drained from being alone in my loft, thinking of everything I'm going through. I grabbed my coat and bag and got on the elevator, and soon as the doors closed the memory of the day I first seen Josh her came back to the front of my mind.
"I'm sure, it's unexpected I didn't have this anywhere on your agenda." She said looking through her planner. I looked through my phone to see if I had anything scheduled, but I didn't. As soon as the elevator doors opened, I looked straight ahead and noticed a set of familiar deep dark brown eyes that aligned with mine. A thousand memories all rushed their way through my mind all at once.-
"Are you okay?" One of the building security guards asked me, I didn't even realize the doors were open cause I was so deep in thought. "You were so spaced out, the doors were open for at least a minute or so."
"I'm fine, thanks. Sorry if I scared you." I said walking off and down the long hallway to the stairs in the front entrance. I don't know why I have those random outbursts of Josh, I guess it's just reminders that he's still on my mind, no matter what I do. I stepped outside and surprisingly not many people were walking, Kim didn't give me the chance to take my car so I had to walk.
"Do you want a ride?" I heard a voice yell out from the back seat of a grey truck, and I noticed it was Ryan.
"I guess so." I said getting inside. The truck was made just like Josh's old truck except his was grey. "Why are you always popping up out of no where?"
"Why are you always where I pop up?" He said sarcastically, shaking his head and laughing. "Can't answer that?"
"Cause this is the city and I live around here, fuck you want me to do? Take alternate routes to ignore you? I'm not wasting my time and gas." I laughed and said back at him, everytime we seen eachother something sarcastic had to be said.
"Alright, alright you win. How was work?"
"It was okay. I kept myself pretty busy so it was fine, I'm still tired though. I've been working off of energy drinks all day."
"Welcome to my life."
"Eh, your life isn't as hectic as mine right now. It probably still isn't on a good day."
"I agree." He said stretching and laying his head down on my lap. I put my hand over my face and leaned my head back, it was driving me crazy because usually, Josh does this. Usually, Josh annoys me. And usually, Josh is there at every corner I turned.
"You should get up."
"Why? I'm tired and you're the closest thing to a pillow right now." I sighed and looked down at him and his light brown eyes, and smiled and ran my fingers through his hair, not saying anything. "Are you good?"
"Yeah I am, why?"
"Cause you're being nice for once, and you're looking at me like you just seen the best looking guy in your life."
"Don't get cocky, just don't." I said pulling on his hair and pushing his head from off my lap.
"You dated one of the most cockiest guys on the NFL and you're telling me not to get cocky?" I looked over at him and held in my words, I know he could tell from my experession on my face that he changed the mood.
"I know that, I don't need you to be an ass and tell me. I dated Josh in college, we weren't dating before he got in the accident. He was always like that, if that's who I loved don't bother me about it. There's more to him than just the name they gave him, but of course people like you don't think so."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get you riled up. You're right, everyone has a side to them no one knows." He said trying to save his ass but I wasn't having it. I know I usually talk shit about Josh but that's cause I can, I know him. That doesn't mean I'm going to sit while other people say what they want about him.
"I didn't mean too either, he's just a sensitive topic right now. A good chunk of me is still not moving on from Josh no matter what anyone says."
"I understand that cause he's like your first real love, sometimes it might take a while for you to get over it but you never know what could be right in front of your face." He said staring at me and I could feel he wanted to say something else. "From the moment I finally got to meet you in person, I just thought you were the most beautiful girl I ever seen, attitude and all." I paused, rolling my eyes and laughed a little shaking my head, and I turned to look out the window as he kept going.
"I knew I wouldn't of had the chance, and I'm not trying to take the oppurtunity now, cause I respect where your heart is. But I do wanna be there for you, at least just as somebody else you can trust or tell things too. I'd never make you do anything you didn't want too." I looked over at him once he got silent, but I didn't know the right words to say, and before I could get anything out, the car stopped.
"Here's your building." The driver said and I smiled at Ryan and didn't make any reply to what he said, I felt but but at the sametime I felt relieved I was saved by the driver. I got out and walked inside, and I felt comfused because I didn't know what to do with Ryan, the more we spoke and the more he showed how much he understood and cared the more I- I don't know, the more I wanted him around.
I got up to my floor and seen someone sitting against the door of my loft. It was a woman and I couldn't tell who it was at first, but the closer I got, the more I seen that it was Sabrina.
"Look, I'm sorry you lost the baby. I don't want any drama so if you could, just move away from my door." She had tears running down her face, mascara running, and her face was bright red. I don't think her ex would've been stupid enough to actually tell her we slept together, cause if so he's about to get the ass kicking of his life. "Girl what is wrong? And why did you come to me of all people?"
"I just don't have anyone anymore, and you're the only person I know that knows Josh inside out. I don't know how you do this, how you be alone all day and everyone shoving cameras in your face. I'm known as the girl who had the affair with Josh Sanders, soon as I checked out the hospital that's all people were saying."
"Well, are they wrong?" I said unlocking the door and walking inside. I heard her get up and stand in the doorway. "Just talk to me from right there, I don't need you in my house cause we aren't friends." I said taking out my container of food. I sat at the kitchen counter and listened to her.
"No but, it was more than just an affair. I was in love with two guys."
"Maybe that's why you and Josh got along so well, being in love with countless people must be a thing for you two." I said sarcastically, stuffing my face with mac and cheese.
"I never even knew you were in the picture."
"I wasn't until he made me. I got away from Josh years ago, he put himself back onto me. It would've happened eventually, I had Lily and he would've found out."
"Why did you even hide it from him? Who does that?"
"He was in love with someone else, wrapped up in her evil ass, she was supposedly pregnant, that's what he wanted. I don't know how well you know Josh but obviously not too well. It's an ongoing pattern, and if you plan on staying on the roller coaster of Josh, buckle the fuck up cause if he wakes up, it'll keep on going. First it was Naomi and me, then you came around, then he found me again so trust me, it's not over. As long as I'm still around and breathing, it'll never be over, believe what I tell you."
"Do you ever think you'll be able to move on? I tried fixing things with my ex but he's a loose canon now, sleeping with everyone. And I'll never know if Josh would want to be with me, ever since you came back he just barely even bothered with me."
"Yeah your husband is something else." I said rolling my eyes and still eating, not saying anything about the other night, I needed no more extra drama in my life. " And I don't know, there's always an if. Josh is the type of person that would wake up at his own funeral, I still look over my shoulder and make sure he's not there sometimes."
"He never made me feel that way-"
"Cause truth is he wasn't in love with you, you were just someone to be there in my absence. Don't take it personal. I'm just saying what he would've told you eventually. Or what he was too scared to just come out and say anyways." I said shrugging my shoulders and kept on eating, checking my messages. I looked over at her and she was just standing there, crying still but after a few minutes she disappeared, I didn't even notice.
I shut my door and got in bed, and as usual thought about Lily and Josh, and my day. I thought about what Ryan said and maybe I should give him that chance of just being a friend. But what if this never ending ride with Josh was coming to an end, what if everything that happened up to this point was for a reason, what if this is how it's supposed to be? I didn't wanna force myself to find out but maybe I'll have too.