AN: I just wanted to say sorry. Sorry for my terrible writing, sorry for some plot holes (i feel like there are a lot), sorry for the late updates, sorry just sorry.
Also, I had this idea for a destiel AU last night and I am planning to write this one soon.
Do you think you would read that? It might be painful ... a lot :))) but apparently I love pain and I am sorry that you gotta have to suffer from that.
Okay, so yeah here is the new chapter ...
++++
Before I realised what I had done, Jensen squeezed my hand in response and smiled at me cautiously. The warmth of his hand and the tingling sensation of his skin on mine sent chills up my thighs. I swallowed hard.
That was the alcohol messing with me. Messing with my feelings. I kept telling me to let go of his hand and to go inside and dance with Vicki, but I couldn't. Damn alcohol, I thought bitterly.
That's when I remembered that Jensen's head was still resting in my lap, close to my crotch. Too close. I looked down at him. His eyes were closed and a small smile played around his lips. His chest was heaving in a slow, calm pace.
"You're staring," he said, suddenly.
I snapped my eyes back to his face, only to look at him for a second and then to the sky. It was beautiful. No clouds covered the view. You could see every star. I started counting them.
One, two, three, ...
"I like it when you do that," he breathed, still holding my hand tightly.
Twelve, thirteen, fourt- oh no I already had this one. Right, haven't had this one yet. Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, ...
"Your eyes," he trailed off and sighed. "You are a really beautiful man, Misha."
Forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two, ...
"This is probably the alcohol talking." He laughed tiredly and let go of my hand. Seconds later, I felt his hand cupping my chin. "I enjoy our kisses," he murmured.
Eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ...
"I wish you'd say something. You are always good in talking. Why not now? Make me stop. I'm getting myself in trouble, Mish." His body tensed a bit, but I still wouldn't dare to say a word. I knew I would make this situation worse and I didn't knew if I would be able to deal with the consequences.
"Say something," he said, commandingly. "Misha please!"
I finally looked at him. "Hundred."
He tilted his head, looking at me very confused.
"Um, I was counting the stars. They are pure and beautiful. It bothers me that I will never be able to see them from up close." I sighed and looked back at the stars. "They're so beautiful, Jensen. Just like ... you."
Jensen opened his mouth, about to say something, but he was interrupted by a weird noise. The door opened and Jared stepped outside, trying to focus his eyes and find us. The both of us startled and sat up straight. He grabbed the doorframe to support his body.
"Jensen? Misha?"
I wanted to say something, but Jensen covered my mouth with his hand and shook his head, mouthing me a don't. Surprised, I dropped my hands.
"Okay," Jared said followed by a hiccup. "I hope you're using a condom! I will keep your wives distracted!" He laughed and went back inside, closing the door behind his back.
Jensen still had his hand on my mouth, pressing hard. Even if I would have tried to talk, it wouldn't have worked. Also, there was a possibility that he'd left my lips bruised a d swollen if I wouldn't do anything in the next few seconds. It started hurting.
I looked into his eyes, pleading. He smirked and let go, pushing himself back a bit so there was a small distance between us. "Thank you," I growled.
He shrugged his shoulders and crossed his legs on the bench, leaning his head back. Now I had a good view of his neck. The skin there looked soft and a little flushed - probably from the alcohol.
Alcohol makes smart people do stupid things.
And right now, I was about to do a really, really bad thing. I knew that I would regret it in the morning. But that didn't changed my desire.
I needed to-
"You're staring again." Jensen grinned.
I snapped out of my thoughts and would have loved to slap myself.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Suddenly, Jensen was closer to me again. "I don't mind you staring, Mish."
Those green eyes were looking right into mine, glowing with affection and something I couldn't put my finger on. His gaze slipped down to my mouth and I could see his tongue darting out a tiny bit, wetting his lips. He took my hands and stroked the back of them with his thumbs, giving me a reassuring smile.
I leaned in, not the man of the situation anymore, totally under a spell of his intense stare.
His face was only a few inches away from me now, his breath dangerously hot on my skin. My pulse tripled and I swallowed around a dry throat.
Jensen closed his eyes and suddenly I could breathe again.
The cold air filled my lungs and made me think clearly again. I pushed him away. "You're drunk, Jensen," I said, calmly.
His eyes flew open, shocked. "It's okay, Misha. I want this." He grabbed my waist. "And I know for a fact that you want this as well."
"No, you are wrong. Please stop." I squirmed, trying to push him away again, but he was holding me tight. Too tight. I couldn't breathe, feeling a panic attack crawling up its way to burst free. I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat.
This wasn't happening, was it?
His finger dug into my skin even more and I stopped fighting. "Kiss me," he pleaded. "I need to make sure."
Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried my hardest to hold them back. "Jensen, don't." My voice was shaky.
"Why are you crying. Am I that disgusting?" He let go of me and I already missed his touch. Even tho it had hurt and almost caused me a panic attack, I had enjoyed him being this close to me. After all, it were our wives that made me rethink everything.
I loved Vicki.
Jensen loved Danneel.
This was fucked up.
I shook my head, mentally slapping me for crying. "No, of course not!"
He looked away, finding the plant in front of him really interesting. In the dim light of the moon, I could see his jaw was clenched. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before he would speak up eventually. "The. why won't you kiss me?"
"Because ..." What were I supposed to say now? I didn't knew it myself. Of course, there were our wives, but they would never find out.
"See, you don't know yourself." Something like sadness swung in his voice, leaving me breathless. Suddenly, I wasn't so sure anymore that it was the alcohol that had made him do it.
"We should go back inside." I got up. "Wanna come with me or stay here for a while?"
He turned his head away from me, but not fast enough. I had already seen the tears falling down his cheeks.
It is the right thing to do, I kept on telling myself. Just leave!
"Okay, see you inside."
~
It was already past three in the morning and people -some I knew, some I haven't even seen before - were still dancing and drinking and laughing and definitely not caring that the reason why they were actually celebrating wasn't in the same room as them.
Even two hours after I had left him outside, Jensen was still nowhere to be seen. Not even Danneel could tell me if he had come inside at one point.
Some random woman with long blonde hair and a red dress that was flattering her body, tripped and spilled her drink all over me. "Dammit," I cursed. She moved fast and got some tissues to dry my shirt.
"I- I am so s-sorry. D-didn't mean to d-do that," she stuttered, face deep red and full of shame.
I waved her off. "It's okay."
She nodded and almost ran off.
"What was that about?" Vicki wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her head on my shoulders.
"Nothing. I gotta get this cleaned."
I shook her off and left, feeling sorry immediately and turned around to give her a warm smile. She returned it, brushing a strand behind her ear.
I opened the door to the small guest room and startled. Jensen sat on the ground, head hanging over the toilet. He looked up and smiled weakly. "Guess I drank too much after you left."
Great, now he was making me feel even more shittier about all this. I stepped back and wanted to close the door but he grabbed my ankle. "Don't leave ... again."
My body tensed, torn between leaving or sitting down next to him and hugging him. "I can't do this," I breathed.
"Please."
I bit the inside of my cheeks, tasting blood. "Okay."
Quickly, I closed the door behind me and sat down next to him, rubbing my hand over his back. He looked at me apologetically before he bend over the toilet again and puked. The sound alone almost made me throw up again, so I was glad when Jensen operated the flushing before I could smell what came out of him. I kept on rubbing his back, knowing that it would make him throw up again. He needed to let it all out, get his stomach empty.
"Do you want some water," I asked after he hadn't thrown up in ten minutes. He just nodded. "Okay be right back." He nodded again, head resting on the toilet.
I casually walked into the kitchen, took a glass and filled it with water. The hard part was getting through the people without spilling the water.
For god sake, why were they still dancing? It was nearly four o'clock now.
I made it back to the bathroom without heavy losses of water. "Here," I said and put the glass to his lips. He swallowed eagerly, wrapping his hand around my wrist.
"Thank you." He flashed me a tired smile and leaned back against the tiled wall, pulling his legs to his body and wrapped his arms around them. "Sorry about earlier today. I don't know what that was. I shouldn't have-"
"It's fine, Jensen. Nothing happened anyway. Don't worry."
We sat there for another hour until Jensen felt good enough to walk. I let Jared and Danneel know that Jensen would stay here for the night because he had drunk too much and didn't feel like going home. They both had nodded, concern matching their faces. I had heard Jared telling Danneel that she was welcomed to stay as well, but I hadn't heard her response, because I was supporting Jensen as we walked up the stairs.
I opened the first door, but closed it right away. The kids were sleeping in there. Jensen opened his mouth and I had to shush him.
It took me quite a bit until I found a room for Jensen.
"Help undress me? I'm still not under control of my motor abilities." He huffed a laugh.
We were standing in a quite big room. There was a comfortable bed standing close to the window, which had heavy curtains hanging in front of it, and there was a wardrobe opposite the bed. A lot of painting and plants decorated the room and made it look more comfy and cozy. The furniture was dark brown while the walls were painted in light beige. All in all, it looked really nice and the soft, fluffy carpet would probably feel super nice as well under your bare feet in the morning.
"Sure," I finally answered.
As fast ad I could, I undressed him - except for his boxer briefs. I tried not to look at his body for longer than I should, but failed miserably.
"Misha," Jensen cried. "You're doing it again." He shifted under my gaze.
"S-sorry."
I put him to bed and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Well, at least I tried. Again, I failed miserably. The kiss lasted longer than I've actually planned and his skin felt warmer and softer than I remembered from set.
Even though it just was his cheek, I enjoyed it. He groaned into the touch and I snapped back.
Dangerous, I told myself. You are taking it too far!
"Goodnight," I said firmly and left the room.
Fast, I went downstairs and searched for Vicki. When I found her, I grabbed her wrist and pulled her behind me. "We need to leave," I said between clenched teeth, angry about myself.
She quickly waved goodbye to- well I don't know who it was because I didn't cared.
"Drive," I commanded, throwing the keys in her direction.
~
Waking up after a three hours sleep was a pain in the ass, but I had to get up and go to work. I didn't want to, but I had to.
Slowly, I took a shower, trying not to think about the events from last night. I succeeded. Kind of.
A glance at the clock told me that I had thirty more minutes until I had to be at the set.
Who in hell would throw a party when you had to work the next day? Yes, of course, Jared Padalecki.
I got dressed as fast as possible and grabbed a bottle of water on my way out to the car. In one sip, I emptied the bottle and threw it on the passenger seat.
~
"Fuck," I hissed. My coat got stuck in the closed door of the Impala while we filmed a scene.
"That's not your line," Jared said, a smug grin on his lips because I've messed up again and looked more frustrated than ever.
"Shut your face, Padalecki."
"CUT!" The director finally called.
Jensen came around the car and looked at what happened, trying to hold his laughter back. "Need a helping hand," he asked, grinning.
I rolled my eyes and nodded.
He leaned forward, slightly brushing my hip with his hand and pulled the door open. "You're welcome," he whispered into my ear.
"Are you ready?"
The three of us nodded.
The engine was roaring stimulating, sending chills down Dean's spine as he drove down the road.
It was dark outside, probably really cold which wouldn't bother the two hunters and one angel in the car, because they had the heater on. Old classic rock - of course, what else? - filled the inside of the Impala.
Castiel felt strange. A cold shiver ran down his back, leaving goosebumps all over his body. He was sitting right behind Dean, breathing in his scent. He shouldn't do, he knew it, but he couldn't stop. Now that he had him (even though Dean wouldn't allow him to tell anyone), he couldn't risk losing him.
But wouldn't he lose him anyway?
If he kept living like that, he would. And there was only one thing that would make him feel better.
"I," he started but was interrupted by a heavy cough attack.
Sam turned around and looked at the angel, concerned. "Are you okay?"
He couldn't reply, coughing like crazy. Something warm filled his mouth and came out with ever new cough. He looked at his hand. Blood.
"No," he breathed.
Dean slowed down. "What did he say? Cas? Are you okay?"
He straightened up, wiped his mouth clean and smiled. "Yeah, I am fine." His voice was weak, nothing more than a whisper. Shit, he thought. "I just gotta leave. Be right back. Something's happening up there."
Dean looked into the rearview mirror, watching Castiel pointing his finger to the sky. Before he could say anything, he was gone.
"Castiel! Don't you dare- Ugh, stupid angels," he huffed.
"We can do this on our own anyway, Dean." Sam gave his brother a reassuring smile.
They drove in silence. One hour. Three hours. Six hours. Then they finally arrived their destination. Still no Cas.
"Come on, we got work to do."
Sam sighed. "Castiel said it is dangerous. I don't think we should get the first blade."
The eldest Winchester laughed bitterly. "And Crowley said it is the only thing that would kill Abaddon. And we both want her dead, right?"
The hunter nodded and got out of the car to get guns and several other weapons from the trunk.
~
Up in heaven, Castiel looked for his brothers. He kept calling for them but they wouldn't show up.
"Thank you," he muttered.
A sweet, womanly voice suddenly appeared next to him. "Castiel," she asked.
He turned around and looked into light blue eyes. "Indriel." He embraced her. "Haven't seen you in a while. Where have you been?"
Her blonde hair bopped up and down as she giggled in his arms. "Was on a heavenly mission."
"I see."
She smiled at him widely, showing her white perfect teeth. Whatever made her laugh so hard, but her throwing her head back and exposing her throat, made him feel sick. He would lose himself. He would attack her and steal some of her grace and she would tell everyone.
Gabe? Balthazar?, he prayed, inwardly.
They still didn't showed up. He needed their grace, now!
Indriel tensed, taking a few steps back. "Castiel. What is wrong? You're bleeding!" She panicked which made Castiel panic. In one step he was in front of her and grabbed her tight. "Oh my god," she breathed. "You are ... I heard about that ... No!"
She screamed as Castiel dragged her into a room, but he didn't care. He wouldn't even listen to what she was babbling. It might have been important, but who knows?
In one go, he had his angel blade in his hand and cut her throat, grinning at the leaking grace hungrily. He lowered his lips on the cut and started swallowing. It wasn't necessary really, but he wanted to feel how she squirmed beneath him, wanted to feel her angst.
Her fight against him slowed down until she was only praying for him to let go. That was when he could taste blood only. Her grace was inside of him, but he still felt ... Was it hunger?
Castiel let go of her, rose his angel blade and stabbed her heart. She didn't even screamed. He clapped his hands and went outside, running into someone. "Hannah?"
"Castiel! What happened? I heard Indriel praying. Where is she?"
"I wish you would have never looked for her." He smirked, smugly.
"What-"
The angel dragged her into the room he just left.
Oh shit, things were getting nasty.
~
Down on earth, the Winchesters were running through a wood, followed by demons and their hell hounds.
"Crowley," Dean called. "Make them leave us alone!"
Sam who was a few steps ahead of him looked back, questioning.
"What? It's worth a try."
He was right. In that second the demons and hell hounds were gone. The brothers gasped, completely out of air. No matter how much they would train, age always pays its price in the end. Dean was nearly fourth anyway. "I'm too old for this shit." He laughed.
Before Sam could answer, a British accent interrupted him. "Hello, boys!"
They turned and looked right into the smirking face of Crowley.
~
Castiel looked at the bodies. Bloody and dead. He killed them. For what? To be with a human? To not die? He started sobbing, falling to his knees.
Indriel. He had fought with her, side by side. She had saved his life a couple of times. And what did he do? He killed her. Not only that, but also took her grace.
And Hanna. They both had been on missions together, saved people, other angels. He knew her since he can remember. Castiel took her hand. Tears fell down his cheeks.
What had he done?
The door opened and he knew in that second that his life was over. He had gone too far.
But ...
He could still lie. Telling the other angels that they've been attacked and Castiel was the only one who had survived.
No, he couldn't live with another lie.
Maybe he could just kill these angels as well, before they would kill him.
He grabbed his angel blade and turned around.
"Oh shit, that looks bad, Cassie."
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Okay sooooo yeah that's it. That's the chapter. What do you think?
Also, Misha will go to purgatory convention in Germany next year and I WILL GO AS WELL AND I AM FREAKING OUT AND OMFG I WILL MEET HIM ... AGAIN!!!
Please tell me if you liked the chapter or not. i know it wasnt the best :/
lotsa love, your author
THE GAY IS REAL!